NOSTRADAMUS VALIDATED — NEW QUATRAIN RELEASED !!!

Nostradamus’ “Sports Picks” predicts the outcome of another NFFA game this weekend.

NOSTRADAMUS VALIDATED — NEW QUATRAIN RELEASED !!!

By Bill O’Really, FAUX News

Spurred on by news that their translation of Quatrain 220 was spot on, scholars at La Sorbonne in Paris have released a new quatrain from the recently discovered book of sports predictions (entitled "Le Prophecies de Sporte") authored by famed 16th century seer Nostradamus.

Pierre LePieu, chancellor of La Sorbonne, announced the release at a press conference held this morning in Paris. “When we learned zat Quatrain 220 correctly predicted le triumphe of ze Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs over ze West Nashville Beelzebubbas, we felt compelled to focus on quatrains which might predict other NFFA games, as Nostradamus was clearly interested in zat league,” said LePieu. “Ze new quatrain we are releasing today appears to fall into zat category.”

He ended the press conference with a personal note, “If I may say so, zat game zis past weekend was fantastique! Ze Sea Hogs kicked le merde out of ze Beelzebubbas. I offer my congratulations to Monsieur Bobbere.”

The new four-line poem, numbered 69 by Nostradamus, reads as follows:

Neither vegetable nor mineral, the pretender lays in wait
hoping to repeat his past triumph,
but he is no match for the tusked fish
that will tear him a new one.

Scholars believe that Quatrain 69 refers to Season 6, Week 9, and have dubbed the new quatrain “The Animal.” They believe that it predicts another victory for the Sea Hogs, this time against the Cambridge Animals who play the Sea Hogs this weekend. The last time the two teams met, the Animals pulled off an upset beating the Sea Hogs 192.5 to 182.5 in Week 2, the only loss by the Sea Hogs this season.

News of Quatrain 69 was greeted happily on Fidalgo Island where natives broke into spontaneous street celebrations. In Cambridge, a sense of doom hangs over the town. In Nashvegas, bookmakers were flooded with calls from bettors hoping to place a wager on the Sea Hogs before news of the prediction affected the betting line. A record amount of betting is expected this week based on the Nostradamus tip.

In a related matter, LB Channing Crowder, a member of the Animals’ scout team, says he didn't know until Tuesday that people in Paris speak French. "I couldn’t find Paris on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries," he said. "I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know Paris Hilton. We went clubbin’ together, so I know her. That’s the closest thing I know to Paris. She’s an All-American girl, so I’m sure she’s not from Paris. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name."

MCMAHON: 'I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'

East Nashville coach Jim McMahon surveys the scorched remains of the Cherry Bomb Café.


MCMAHON: 'I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'
Black Dogs coach visits site of Cherry Bomb fire

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Upon his return to Nashvegas from Alamo yesterday, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon rushed to the site where his beloved Cherry Bomb Café had stood only hours earlier.

Standing in the burned out rubble, the visibly distraught McMahon said over and over again, "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it," according to Black Dogs PR director Lola Flackmeister. McMahon, who was accompanied by team GM Buddy Ryan, spent about twenty minutes at the site.

The coach issued the following statement this morning:

"Words cannot describe the loss I am feeling at this moment. The thought that I may never enjoy another Touchdown Taser™ is almost more than I can bear. Of course, I'm also concerned about GQ and Devin and Marvin. Later this morning, a group of Black Dogs players and I will travel to Howenwald to survey the situation and find out if there is anything we can do to help with the search for them. Our thoughts and prayers go out to their families."

Speaking by cell phone on his way to Howenwald, McMahon said he had planned to inform Denney when he returned from Alamo that he was going to forget the $20 million bet that Denney lost to him. "At this point, I'd give $20 million to have Q back, safe and sound," the coach said, his voice cracking. After collecting himself, McMahon added, "I still can't believe it."

CHERRY BOMB, HOHENWALD LAB BURNS!

The main laboratory at GQ Denney's Hohenwald farm burns early Tuesday.

CHERRY BOMB, HOHENWALD LAB BURNS!

By D. David Halberstam, BYG Times

In a bewildering development, popular nightspot Cherry Bomb Cafe and owner GQ Denney's main quarters at his Hohenwald, Tenn. farm have burned to the ground early Tuesday morning. Early reports indicate that Denney himself, and two NFFA players — Black Dogs WR Devin Hester and the suspended Marvin Harrison, may have perished in the Hohenwald blaze. The causes of the two fires are under investigation with ATF and FBI investigators both being called in.

Fear is mounting that the three missing men were in the Hohenwald building when it caught fire. Witnesses have placed the three together there around 4 a.m. Tuesday morning. They were also seen together at the Cherry Bomb Cafe as late as 11 p.m. Monday night. Denney is the beloved and notorious owner of the winless 12th Avenue Bakers franchise. The three men were in the company of new head coach Pacman Jones and a party of six unknown ladies at Denney's favorite table Monday night following the Bakers loss to the Midtown Mojo.

"I think those cats headed down to the country after I split," said Jones. "Then, damn!, I got a call on my cell phone from Snoop saying the club was on fire. He was crying and saying that GQ had been talkin' crazy that morning about sparkin' up a big one. But you know ... we damn sure didn't think he meant the Cherry Bomb. I don't know nothin' bout the farm. He said he'd take me down there soon and show me around but I'm not that crazy about farms and shit. I'm a city boy. And I heard he keeps — you know — dead people, zombie girls and things down there. Pac just says no!"

Snoop Dogg is the former Bakers head coach, who was relieved of his duties last week for medical reasons. Rumors have surfaced that Denney had shot him in the back, only to rush to his fallen coach's aid immediately.

"No comment on the gizzle man, for rizzle," said Snoop Dogg from his South Nashville home. "I'm just worried about him. He's been under a lot of pressure lately. I think he may have my wallet. I always worry when he goes down to that dizzam farm. Nothin good happens down there ... all those chemicals and shit. Nothin good."

The Bakers front office has postponed a scheduled press conference until more information is known. Furious George, longtime Denney friend and French cousin of deceased Bakers mascot Mr. TD is flying to Nashville from Paris tonight.

MCMAHON GRACIOUS IN VICTORY

Late Monday evening, Coach Jim McMahon returned to Fat Bubba
Dog's Gentlemen's Club, the scene of his arrest two nights earlier.


MCMAHON GRACIOUS IN VICTORY
Black Dogs coach returns to club after overtime win

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

ALAMO, TEXAS — In a gesture of good will following East Nashville's come-from-behind, overtime victory against the hometown Alamo Scouts, coach Jim McMahon returned late Monday evening to Fat Bubba Dog's Gentlemen's Club where he had been arrested 48 hours earlier and bought several rounds of drinks for everyone in the house, the AWP has learned.

According to Black Dogs cheerleader Bambi Chester (who spoke only on the condition that her name appear in this story), McMahon arrived at Fat Bubba Dog's a little before midnight with an entourage that included several undercover East Nashville police officers. Although his appearance caused a stir in the club initially, Chester said he soon put everyone at ease by announcing loudly, "I come in peace, and bearing a platinum card. Drinks for everyone on me."

McMahon and his party were at the club for approximately two hours and stayed mostly to themselves, although several Scouts fans approached their table to offer congratulations on the Black Dogs win, the cheerleader said.

Reached on his cell phone this morning prior to the team's flight back to East Nashville, McMahon confirmed Chester's account of his visit to Fat Bubba Dog's and also expressed concern for Thurman Murrman. "When I looked across the field at Thurman after Favre threw the touchdown bomb to rally us to victory in overtime, he looked physically ill. I'm afraid he's going to have a nervous breakdown or something. Poor guy, can you imagine going 0 and 9 against someone. Four [expletive] years of defeat. And that on top of the church burnings."

Murrman could not be reached for comment prior to publication of this story.

MCMAHON ARRESTED IN ALAMO

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon leaving Alamo
police headquarters at 4:30 a.m. this morning.


MCMAHON ARRESTED IN ALAMO
Coach booked on weapons charge after insulting Scouts fans

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Apparently, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon forgot he wasn't at the Cherry Bomb Café when he flashed a handgun last night at Fat Bubba Dog's Gentlemen's Club, one of the most popular nightspots in Alamo. Failed memory or not, McMahon was booked on a weapons charge and spent several hours early this morning in a holding cell at Alamo police headquarters before being bailed out by Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan.

According to Dewayne Van Zandt, head bartender at Fat Bubba Dog's, McMahon and his party, which included two assistant coaches and three Black Dogs cheerleaders, arrived at the club at approximately 10 p.m. Almost immediately, McMahon caused a ruckus when he was informed that they did not serve Touchdown Tasers™ at Fat Bubba Dog's, but things calmed down when Van Zandt sent over a round of Grey Goose gimlets on the house.

Around 11 o'clock, McMahon left his table, went to the bar and started talking to some Scouts fans. Everything was friendly for awhile, as McMahon entertained the fans with some of his witticisms. He asked them if they had seen the story about "Nostra-dumbass" predicting a victory for Fidalgo Island against West Nashville this weekend in the "16th [expletive] century?" That got a laugh with some saying they had seen the story and a fan named Shorty asking, "[Triki] Bobber's criminally insane right?" McMahon grinned and nodded yes. Then the Black Dogs coach asked them what they thought of "Hojo D's recent rant?" The same Scouts fan said, "He seems insane, too." McMahon nodded in agreement and said, "No, [expletive]."

It was about that time, according to Van Zandt, that the situation turned ugly. McMahon asked the fans if they knew that Thurman Murrman and the Scouts are the Dogs' "McBitch?" Shorty, who is a 6'4", 240-pound construction worker, told the coach he "oughtta shut his mother-[expletive] McMouth."

McMahon laughed and said, "That's a good one, genius" then reached in the pocket of his jacket and produced a 44-Magnum. Shorty and the other fans quickly retreated from the bar as the coach slowly backed away, returned to his table and continued drinking Grey Goose gimlets as if nothing had happened.

Shortly before midnight, three uniformed Alamo police officers arrived at the club and approached the bar. After a few words were exchanged with Van Zandt, he pointed to McMahon and his party at the corner table. The officers then approached McMahon and — according to Black Dogs cheerleader Bambi — asked the coach for his handgun, which he calmly gave them. Then they cuffed McMahon and escorted him out of the club.

As he was being led away, McMahon turned and yelled in the direction of Shorty and his friends, "Yo, Einstein, we own your asses. 9 and 0 —that will be our all-time record against you bitches after this weekend."

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS SEA HOGS VICTORY!!!

Quatrain 220: In the eighth week of the sixth season, the Hogs of the Sea shall rout the Brothers of the Devil and send them scurrying back to the fiery depths from whence they come.
NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS SEA HOGS VICTORY!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Scholars at La Sorbonne (the University of Paris in Paris, France) have recently discovered a new book of quatrains believed to be authored by Michel De Nostradame, commonly known as Nostradamus, the 16th century seer known for his prophecies of major world events. Entitled "Le Prophecies de Sporte" (roughly translated, "Sports Predictions") the new book contains numerous 4-line poems thought to predict the outcome of future sporting events.

Nostradamus scholars and devotees from around the world, as well as bookmakers from Nashvegas, have descended on Paris in hopes of putting their own spin on the translations. The Chancellor of La Sorbonne, Pierre LePieu, expressed frustration with the clamoring throng, "These arrivistes are so annoying, especially those gamblers. They smell like merde."

One of the first quatrains to be translated is the cryptic Quatrain 220, which, according to the acedemics at La Sorbonne, reads:

"In the eighth week of the sixth season,
the Hogs of the Sea shall rout the Brothers of the Devil
and send them scurrying back
to the fiery depths from whence they come."

Nashvegas bookmakers believe Quatrain 220 refers to the upcoming NFFA Week 8 game between the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. According to the odds-makers, Nostradamus has predicted that the Sea Hogs will defeat the Beelzebubbas in a rout. When news of the quatrain broke, the betting line for the game quickly moved 15 points.

Asked about the effect of the Nostradamus prediction on the players, Sea Hogs team captain Elvis Dumervil (DL) said, "It means a lot to us, and especially me. I've always been a Nostradamus fan. Nostradamus has always been important to football. After all, they named Notre Dame after him, didn't they?"

MOJO D BREAKS SILENCE

Midtown owner Mojo D lets his finger do the talking.


MOJO D BREAKS SILENCE

By Kimon Iwannalayya, FANTASY SPORTS NETWORK

In a brief tirade broadcast over the Midtown Satellite Network, Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D lashed out at the NFFA, Commissioner Money and other coaches for their "outrageous disrespect of this once great game."

His outburst was spurred by the dissolution of the 200 Club. "For that Money bitch to call me an arriviste shows that her time on the Love Boat dulled not only her baggy coochie but her common-sense. I helped build this league in 1987, and some people seem to have forgotten that I knew Jorge, I worked with Jorge, I took his pure game to other lands, and that this group of paranoid megalomaniacs has shat upon his great legacy."

He continued his disjointed rant with "I even have some sympathy for [expletive] Triki Bobber, but as the Bedouins say 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend,' and that criminally insane SOB is definitely my friend and enemy." The rant escalated to threats when he warned: "those (expletive) Moneys better pray their bunker can withstand the blunt-force trauma of the Midtown rabble and a surgical strike from the Tin-Hat Brigade, because the people are ready to throw off the tyranny of the NFFA regime and return the game to its roots. Plus, Biggs is really pissing me off with his jingo posturing -- my own satellite imagery shows that his forces are pinned down in a valley in Bakazistan by heavily armed shepherds."

"I was looking forward to celebrating my entry to the 200 Club with a Touchdown Taser™ at the Cherry Bomb, but now I just want to burn the mother-[expletive] down — the only thing keeping us from doing it is that I believe GQ Denney could be the last guy in this league with a shred of honor. Instead, we'll just step up our incursions into Biggs' turf — while he's away, West Nashville is completely vulnerable, including his family, whose movements we are monitoring on an hourly basis ..."

Before he could continue, GM Rosetta Stone stepped in to cut him off, and the visibly distressed owner (see photo) was led off by a cadre of his trusted Tin-Hat Brigadiers.

MONEY TO DISBAND 200-POINT CLUB

Co-Deputy Commissioner Cash Money has persuaded
her father to disband the 200-Point Club. FILE/AWP


MONEY TO DISBAND 200-POINT CLUB
Will set more exclusive standard to exclude ‘arrivistes’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

Days after East Nashville Coach Jim McMahon boasted of the possibility of a 400-point game between the Black Dogs and West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the two organizations that made up the NFFA’s “200-Point Club” were joined by two new members, the Midtown Mojo and Fidalgo Island Seahogs.

FSN learned early Wednesday that, in response, Co-Deputy Commissioner Cash Money plans to disband the 200-Point Club. Simultaneously, the league’s office will announce the establishment of a 220-Point Club, which will be the NFFA’s only “officially sanctioned organization for team point totals at this time.” The announcement, expected to be made by Commissioner William D. Money, could come as early as Thursday.

The new club would retain the Black Dogs and Beelzebubbas as its only members. The Bubbas set a new NFFA record earlier this season with 233.5 points in Week Two, eclipsing the mark of 231 set by the Black Dogs in 2006. The 220 threshold would also exclude the Mojo and Seahogs, who scored only 218.5 and 205, respectively, last week.

“It’s a blatant slap in the face, and we won’t stand for it,” said Homo Dodo, president of the Midtown Condominium Owners Association. “The peasants will march to the NFFA Tower with torches and pitchforks if we have to.”

Neither Commissioner Money nor his daughter Cash were available for comment on Wednesday morning. However, one source inside the NFFA offices said the impending move reflected differing agendas. “I think it’s safe to say that the commissioner believes the fact that the Seahogs and Mojo broke the 200-point barrier inherently debases the standard. He sees them as arrogant arrivistes,” said the source, who requested anonymity.

“I think, with Cash, it’s just a matter of hosing Bobber. Don’t forget, he enslaved her and her sister on his Love Boat.”

SMACK DADDIES ADD COACH, ACQUIRE CRUMPLER

Smack Daddies GM Tony Soprano takes a question at today's press conference as team
owner Lex Dominica, making his first appearance this season, looks on approvingly.

SMACK DADDIES ADD COACH, ACQUIRE CRUMPLER

By Rico Suavé, Associated Web Press

ATLANTIC CITY — Flanked by General Manager Tony Soprano and attorneys representing exiled coach Ron Mexico, Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica made his first public appearance of the 2007 season. Resplendent in his blood red suit, the visibly relieved owner announced two moves that he hopes will buoy his floundering team.

“On the advice of General Manager Tony Soprano I have retained the services of Joe Torre as our new acting coach in Ron’s absence,” Dominica said. When asked by a reporter what Torre knew about football, an agitated Soprano grabbed the microphone and said “Who gives a [expletive] — the man has won four world championships; and besides that, I don’t think Ron will be getting back here any time soon. Plus, Joe looks good in a jogging suit.”

Soprano said Torre would be on the sideline this weekend. The Daddies GM also said he expected a marked improvement in his team this week after the motivational speech he gave before practice on Tuesday. He said contrary to rumors there was no connection to the ambulance and waiving of split end Marques Colston.

Dominica concluded the press conference with the announcement that long-time Smack Daddies fan favorite Alge Crumpler had been brought back to the team in a move that he hopes will stir fan excitement.

“As most of you know, Alge has gone to great lengths to inspire our female fan base to his many charitable causes,” Dominica said. “Alge and the Touchdown Club seemed to be the lightning rod for all charitable donations.”

Dominica added that while Crumpler was rehabbing an ailing knee, the all-star tight-end had asked permission to take a personal, hands-on approach to the rehabilitation of troubled starlet Lindsey Lohan. He said Crumpler “planned to get on that girl right away to make sure she stayed on the straight and narrow.”

Three female reporters had to be helped out of the room at the conclusion of the press conference.

SEA HOGS NFFA'S BEST AT HALFWAY POINT

Can Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, shown here exiting the NFFA Tower with team GM Tony Soprano, turn the season around for the defending champs?


SEA HOGS NFFA'S BEST AT HALFWAY POINT
Hogs, Mojo Crash 200-point party

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Looking in the rearview mirror at the first half of the NFFA season while wondering whatever happened to Joe Biddle's brain.

Not surprising — The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs lead the Linardo division with a league-best 6-1 record. The East Nashville Black Dogs (5-2) are in their customary spot atop the Jorge division.

Somewhat surprising — Nipping at the Sea Hogs heels (or whatever a Sea Hog has) are the Midtown Mojo. Rookie owner/coach Mojo D has brought the smackulation and backed it up with a 5-2 record at the halfway mark. In the Jorge division, West Nashville has been shut out of the postseason since the league switched to a playoff format in 2004, but the Beelzebubbas are one game back of the Black Dogs at 4-3. Plus, after edging the Dogs by one point last weekend, the 'Bubbas are 3-0 in the division and record within the division is one of the playoff tiebreakers. Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon believes West Nashville owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs has a Highlander thing going on where the more terrorists Biggs kills, the stronger the 'Bubbas get. The 4-3 Cambridge Animals are also one game back of the Black Dogs, which is slightly surprising when you consider head coach Joe Namath was in rehab for the first three games, all victories for the team. Since Namath's return, the Animals are 1-3.

Definitely surprising — The defending champions Atlanta Smack Daddies are mired in the cellar of the Linardo Division with a 1-6 record and a power ranking of 6 (the Sea Hogs lead the league with a power ranking of 23). There has been some speculation on Atlanta talk radio that owner/coach Lex Dominica has been spending too much time on his duties as chairman of the NFFA competition committee.

Beyond surprising — The 12th Avenue Bakers were darlings of the media in the preseason, even picked by Nashvegas oddsmakers to dethrone the Black Dogs as Jorge division champs. At the halfway point, the Bakers season is in shambles, a power ranking of 3, the first team ever to be winless after seven weeks. Owner GQ Denney has been roundly criticized by members of the Baker nation, who seem to no longer be willing to accept Denney's excuses and promises. Denney has $20 million riding on a bet with McMahon that the Bakers can win seven straight and finish with a .500 record.

Hit Submit — At 3-4, the Alamo Scouts are still positioned to make a second-half run to the playoffs. No telling what the team's record might be if owner/coach Thurman Murrman could remember to "submit" his lineup changes.

Club not so exclusive anymore — After predictions of 400-points in last weekend's Beelzebubbas-Black Dogs match-up, neither team broke 150, the Dogs and 'Bubbas had their exclusive party crashed. The Midtown and Fidalgo Island franchises earned membership in the so-called "200-Point Club" when the Mojo whacked the Scouts 218.5-152 and the Sea Hogs smacked the Daddies 205-105. The Mojo total was the third-highest score ever, while the Sea Hogs' mark was seventh-best ever. Meanwhile, the Scouts had 200-plus points put on them for the third time, as did the Smack Daddies — the Daddies for the third time this season. When asked for comment, Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan said, "I bet the little monkey is so [expletive] high today, he can hardly stand it. And it's good to see Bobber finally graduate from the One-Short Club. Now we'll see if he has what it takes to join the 'Bubbas and us in the 220-Point Club."

The "200-Point Club"
1. Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Smack Daddies)
2. Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Scouts)
3. Mojo, 218.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Scouts)
4. Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Scouts)
4. Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Animals)
6. Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Smack Daddies)
7. Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Smack Daddies)
8. Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. Bakers)

BOBBER STRIKES AGAIN!

Screen captures made last Tuesday show Triki
Bobber's impossible coaching efficiency rating.


BOBBER STRIKES AGAIN!
Sets own coaching efficiency rank at 111 percent as Cuban vows to press ‘War on Error’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

When the week six NFFA coaching efficiency rankings were initially released last Tuesday, league officials and media observers were startled to learn that one coach had taken perfection to a higher level — by 11 percentage points, to be precise.

The rankings showed that Sea Hogs owner/coach Triki Bobber had finished the week at an astonishing 111 percent — a mark that literally was too good to be true.

“We first suspected some kind of computer glitch,” said NFFA co-deputy commissioner Mo Money, who was appointed to the position over the weekend by her father. “Then, given the owner involved, we began delving further and found the system had been hacked. Only someone who is criminally insane could have pulled this off.”

The bogus coaching efficiency statistics were quickly corrected by the NFFA’s IT department by Tuesday afternoon. Meanwhile, Mo’s sister, Cash Money, who also became a co-deputy commissioner late Sunday, told FSN that the league would probably fine Bobber “somewhere in the low nine” figures. “And if we ever catch up to him in person,” Mo Money added, “we will cut out his pancreas with a pair of dull scissors.”

The harsh stance by the sisters, said NFFA officials who asked that their names not be used, reflects a new get-tough attitude by the league. “Dad’s hiding in the bunker like Dick Cheney on 9/12,” said one staffer. “Somebody’s got to take charge around here.”

The sisters have been so ruthless, another official added, that some in the NFFA Tower have begun referring to them as Uday and Qusay — an apparent reference to the sons of Saddam Hussein.

Reached at the Sea Hogs’ offices, ticket manager Fen Wei Park suggested that Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs had been responsible for the computer hack in an “obsessive and criminally insane effort” to implicate Bobber. She cited Biggs’ own claims that he had penetrated the NFFA’s computers at the beginning of the season.

Even before Biggs, who was last reported in the mountains of North Waziristan, could be reached for comment, Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan offered his own opinion about Park’s allegation.

“That’s horse [expletive],” Ryan said. “I spit coffee all over my secretary when I heard that [expletive]. First off, everybody knows Biggs can barely even use a computer, much less hack into a mainframe. I don’t care what he claimed. Only someone even dumber than Biggs would have believed it. Biggs’ idea of hacking into anything involves using a shotgun or a sack of hand grenades.

“Second off,” continued the outspoken East Nashville ex-coach, “everybody knows Bobber has a permanent hard-on to be the top coach in the league. It just fries his gizzard that he beat the Black Dogs but can’t win a championship or top Biggs in coaching efficiency. So he comes up with some computer fantasy [expletive] like this.”

When FSN reached the Beelzebubbas’ training camp via satellite phone, Biggs was said to be attending the ritual beheading of two Pashtun tribal elders and was unavailable for comment. However, this reporter spoke to Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks who is serving as special consultant to the Bubbas.

“This has Bobber written all over it in giant neon letters dripping with blood,” Cuban said of the ratings glitch. “It’s one more reason we have to continue the War on Error as well as the war on terror. If we let up for one nanosecond, Bobber wins.”

DENNEY VOWS COMEBACK

GQ Denney, shown relaxing at the bar of the Cherry Bomb Café, believes
the Bakers can still achieve a franchise-first, non-losing season.


DENNEY VOWS COMEBACK
$20 million rides on return to .500

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

With a loss this weekend to the Cambridge Animals, the 12th Avenue Bakers could make NFFA history, as the first team to start a season 0-7. But if that happens, owner GQ Denney also plans to make history again by becoming the first 0-7 team to finish the season at 7-7.

A Bakers’ rally of such magnitude is not unprecedented. In fact, Denney is already “calling down the echoes,” as he put it in an interview Tuesday, of 2004’s “November to Remember,” when the Bakes ran off six straight wins and nearly earned a playoff spot. Coach Randy Warhol and the members of that 2004 team are enshrined in bronze in a small museum behind the main bar of Denney’s Cherry Bomb Café. (Warhol took over midway through the season after interim coach Dead Lombardi — who succeeded a coach whose name was never known and was fired after three games — was killed in a freak tractor accident at Denney’s Hohenwald farm.) The museum has been padlocked for the past two years.

Complicating the story, FSN has learned that injuries and bad luck were not the only factors behind the Bakers’ abysmal start.

In an exclusive interview, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon revealed that Denney was confused by a passing remark about a spoof fantasy league, sponsored by The Onion, in which teams attempt to score the fewest possible points. Denney apparently believed that McMahon instead was briefing him on rule changes under the new Fanstar system. During a long weekend involving substances ranging from Maui Zowie to “medicinal LSD,” Denney’s misimpressions about new scoring rules were confirmed during his “conversations” with portraits of Vince Lombardi and John Coltrane that hang on one wall of Denney’s penthouse residence.

“After that,” said Devlin Redd, head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café, Q said he was ‘going nil, like in Spades.’ He even called a team meeting and told his quarterbacks, Philip Rivers and Drew Brees, to ‘lose one for the Gipper — every week.’”

Redd claims that McMahon took extra advantage of Denney’s misunderstanding by betting him $10 million that the Bakers could not make it through the entire season scoring fewer points than every other team every week. McMahon had just received his entire $12 million salary for 2008 in advance, Redd said.

Denney, according to several sources, accepted the bet. The Bakers cruised successfully behind everyone for the first four weeks before “being set” in Week Five, when they were under-scored by the Atlanta Smack Daddies. Fanstar league reports show that the Bakers’ record would be 1-41 through Week Six had they played every team every week.

How Denney learned that the actual Fanstar rules involve attempting to outscore opponents is unclear. In any event, it was too late to save the $10 million he had wagered with McMahon. “We were wonderfully bad, but I guess we weren’t quite bad enough to be perfect,” Denney admitted wistfully in an interview.

Now, however, McMahon has agreed to a double-or-nothing bet that the Bakers won’t be able to reach the .500 mark by season’s end. In fact, says Redd, it was McMahon who proposed the bet by reminding Denney of the heartwarming “2004 High” story and leading him on a tour of the closed museum in the Cherry Bomb.

The Bakers would have to go 7-1 the rest of the way to avoid a losing season.

Denney is staking another $10 million that it can be done. As an extra incentive for the team, he has promised each of them an ownership stake in the Sodbakers Grass Care business if they reach their goal. But even if he loses, he will remain philosophical. “Satan giveth,” he said, “and Satan taketh away.”

MCMAHON: ‘400 POINTS AIN’T IMPOSSIBLE’

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon answers a question during his weekly press
conference, which is broadcast live on Sirius satellite radio.

MCMAHON: ‘400 POINTS AIN’T IMPOSSIBLE’
Dogs, ‘Bubbas in high-scoring, week seven match-up

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Holding court Wednesday at the Cherry Bomb Café during his weekly media circus, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon opened by saying, “I was talking with [West Nashville coach Boyd X.] Biggs and he agreed that 400 points ain’t impossible this weekend.”

McMahon explained that he had spoken with the Beelzebubbas coach, who is in Pakistan fighting “the terrorists,” via the Cherry Bomb’s satellite phone several times this week. “We were mainly talking about the fact that this is the first match-up of the NFFA’s 200-Point Club,” the Black Dogs coach said of this weekend's game pitting East Nashville versus West. “You know the Black Dogs and Beelzebubbas are the only two franchises to score 200 or more points. The ‘Bubbas have the record with 233.5 points and after last weekend, the Black Dogs have scored more than 200 points five times.

“So, it stands to reason, between the two teams, we could score more than 400 points this weekend.”

When Joe Biddle of The Tennessean pointed out that the Alamo Scouts, the Atlanta Smack Daddies and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs all scored 199 points last season, McMahon quickly responded. “Yeah, Biggs and I call them the One-Short Club, “ he said and laughed.

East Nashville’s 215 points last weekend against the slumping Cambridge Animals was the third highest total in NFFA history, equaling the team’s output against the Scouts in week three of the 2005 season. Since McMahon took over as coach in 2005, the Black Dogs have posted more than half of the league’s 15 highest point totals ever, scoring 190 or more points eight times.

When asked what he thought the Black Dogs chances were against the Beelzebubbas, McMahon said, “The ‘Bubbas scare me. Since Biggs went to Pakistan to change his team’s luck by killing terrorists, they’re on a two-game winning streak. I’m wondering if Biggs has got some kind of Highlander thing going on where the more terrorists he kills, the more powerful the Beelzebubbas become.“

Near the end of the press conference, McMahon changed subjects and asked the gathered media if they had seen the latest issue of Money magazine? Since it was a room full of sportswriters, no one had seen it except bartender Devlin Redd, who said he showed it to McMahon. “Well,” the coach said, “I just want to congratulate Mojo D on the fact that Money magazine has identified Midtown as one of the 35 best places to retire. I know he can relate. After the schoolin’ Bobber put on him last weekend — and that was with Peyton on the bench and Brady scoring 65 points — Mojo Gaye may be thinking about retirement himself.”

Then, as always, McMahon signaled the end of the press conference by leaving the stage, walking to the bar and ordering a Touchdown Taser™ for himself. For the third week in a row, the Black Dogs coach ordered two Touchdown Tasers™ — in keeping with his vow to drink one for himself and one for Biggs as long as the West Nashville coach remains in Pakistan. McMahon said it was one small way he could contribute to the war on terror.

CUBAN, BIGGS JOIN FORCES

Beelzebubbas owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs is
fighting the good fight in North Waziristan.


CUBAN, BIGGS JOIN FORCES
Audit gives 'Bubbas W over Hogs

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a move that threatens to upset the current standings in the NFFA, FSN has learned that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has performed an audit of uncredited special teams points and found that the West Nashville Beelzebubbas deserve at least one more victory.

Cuban, who met Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs at a “Craps for Cancer” charity event in Las Vegas last year, has flown to Pakistan to join Biggs’ Taliban safari hunt. “He said he was inspired by Biggs’ example,” said a Mavericks team official who requested anonymity. "And he already knew how Jorge Linardo had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. I think he thought there was something to be learned from the Beelzebubbas organization. Plus, Mark has a passion for firing any weapons of 50 caliber or above.”

But FSN also has learned that Cuban has performed a detailed computer analysis of the NFFA’s points system, similar to the breakdowns of referees’ calls he applied to NBA games. Biggs had requested the analysis after Sea Hogs’ owner Triki Bobber had complained that points were not being awarded for tackles on special teams and turnovers, and that the omissions could affect the outcomes of games.

According to a source who saw Cuban’s presentation at Biggs’ command center in North Waziristan, Cuban determined that, in Week One, the Bubbas should have been credited with 32 additional special teams points, which would give them a 1-point victory over the Sea Hogs. The same audit found that the Sea Hogs deserved zero additional points.

Cuban’s analysis of Week Two determined that the Atlanta Smack Daddies should have received 15 additional points — all for special teams tackles and forced fumbles — while the Beelzebubbas should have been awarded nine extra points. The outcome of the game, won by more than 110 by the 'Bubbas, would not have changed.

Analyses of Weeks three and four, in which the Beelzebubbas lost two games by a combined total of five points, were incomplete as of late Monday.

“It is very possible that our team should be undefeated right now had Commissioner Money stuck with the old Sandbox system,” said Beelzebubbas spokesperson Maryjane Livingood.

The source in Waziristan who had seen the analysis said that, if the NFFA commissioner refuses to factor special teams tackles into the official league scores, Cuban might sponsor an alternate website of “fantasy” fantasy football scores to reflect what the Mavs’ owner called “justice for all in the NFFA.”

“Is it plausible to believe,” Cuban posted on a new blog entitled Fantasy Fairness, “that Money and Bobber, who have been friends longer than any other owners in the league, just happen to have the top two teams in the standings? We submit that it is not.”

Money, who has not been seen in public for more than a month, was unavailable for comment. At the Sea Hogs offices on Fidalgo Island, a person who identified herself as Fen Hue Park, the team ticket manager, said cryptically that the Sea Hogs would “take a wide stance” on the issue.

MONEY BRUSHES OFF BOBBER, REST OF NFFA

This hallway leads to Commissioner Money's state-of-the-art, underground
security bunker deep beneath the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas.

MONEY BRUSHES OFF BOBBER, REST OF NFFA
‘Le decider, c’est moi,’ commissioner says

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a move that threatens the delicate imbalance of the league, Commissioner William D. Money not only has rebuffed fellow owner Triki Bobber’s concerns about the NFFA’s point-scoring system but suggested that he alone will determine this year’s champion.

According to three separate sources who have seen and spoken with Money in the NFFA’s underground command center in downtown Nashville, the commissioner plans to impose an unprecedented $10 billion fine on Bobber for questioning his judgment and authority. “If I’m not right, then the terrorists win,” Money was overheard to say.

On Wednesday, after receiving a formal petition from Bobber to add points for tackles by offensive players — along with a threat from the Sea Hogs to sue the NFFA — Money rejected Bobber’s claim that scoring under the new Fanstar system would preserve all of the features of Bobber’s beloved Sandbox system used in previous years. On Thursday, Bobber produced evidence that Money had poured bleach on the contract to obscure the written guarantee.

Money, who has not been seen in public in three weeks, was overheard to say that the guarantee was irrelevant. “My opinion has changed,” Money told aides, who requested anonymity for fear of their personal safety. “The facts on the ground have changed. As a wartime commissioner, I have the power to overrule rules that are not in our best interest. I have to make lots of decisions every week.”

According to the aides, when he learned of Bobber’s concern that the uncounted points could tip the outcome of close games or even the NFFA Championship, Money said, ominously, “Looks like he’s under the delusion that points alone will decide the championship.”

Then, apparently paraphrasing France’s Louis XIV, he turned to two of his team’s black dog mascots, Cerberus and Muerte, and added, “Le Decider, c’est moi.”

Meanwhile, Money’s retreat to the underground command center has created speculation around Nashville. 12 South activist and professional psychic Roz Tefarian has set up a booth outside the NFFA Tower offering predictions for when “Commissioner Groundhog” will emerge. “If he sees his shadow, she warned, “the world will end in fire.”

Others took a more entrepreneurial approach. At the sports book on the mezzanine level of the Cherry Bomb Café, oddsmakers were offering opportunities to wager on when Money would reappear and which team would benefit most from the commissioner’s edicts. “I won’t claim to have inside information,” said head bartender Devlin Redd, “but I just put $100 on the Bakers.”

BIGGS HEADS TO PAKISTAN

West Nashville's Boyd X. Biggs only joined the war on terror a few days ago, but
he has already contributed to the war's lexicon. The three dead Taliban fighters
shown here were declared officially "X-ed" by Biggs and his band of commandos.

BIGGS HEADS TO PAKISTAN
Beelzebubbas owner joins war on terror, ‘Cheap publicity stunt,’ says Mojo D


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

Saying he was going to do his part on the war on terror until the team won again, West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner and coach Boyd X. Biggs abruptly left Nashville Tuesday morning and flew to Pakistan.

Accompanied by team consultant Chip Linardo, media relations director Wiley Peyote, marketing director Chuck Barris and 200 Blackwater security personnel, Biggs boarded a chartered C-130 for Lahore, Pakistan.

Wide receiver Andre Johnson, currently on injured reserve, was named interim player/coach.

Via satellite phone from Lahore, Biggs said that his group would operate from North Waziristan, a Taliban stronghold where Osama bin Laden is rumored to be hiding. Biggs vowed to remain there and to kill 100 Taliban each day until his team won again.

After setting an NFFA record for points scored in week 2, the Bubbas have dropped two straight games by a total of 3.5 points.

“We’re getting back to our roots,” Biggs said. “We’re looking on this as a management retreat.”

Asked how they would identify Taliban fighters, Biggs said that all members of his group would wear shirts inscribed in Arabic with the words “Muhammad sucks donkey dicks.” Anyone who reacted negatively to the shirts, Biggs said, would be recognized as Taliban and shot.

In addition, he said, the group planned to “put a dent in the poppy crop.”

According to unconfirmed reports, Biggs was operating under the auspices of General George Washington Leonard, who has led Special Forces teams in Afghanistan. Beelzebubbas’ acting media liaison Maryjane Livingood said that Raytheon Corp., which manufactures the Patriot missile, had underwritten the expenses of the venture in return for being named Official Corporate Sponsor of the “Rolling Thunder 2007 Tour.”

Some NFFA owners, notably GQ Denney, were supportive of Biggs. “I know the past two weeks have been frustrating for X,” Denney said Wednesday. “Plus, he sort of made a deal with Beelzebub to win the championship that first season, and he’s been paying for it ever since. You’d think the naming rights would’ve been enough, but the Dark Lord works in mysterious ways. I think Biggs feels like killing a few hundred terrorists will change his luck and put him right with God. That ain’t how the Bakers roll, but good luck to him.”

Other owners, however, were skeptical. Mojo D of the Midtown Mojo, for one, denounced the trip as a “cheap publicity stunt” to drive up TV ratings. “He’s going to come back and say this makes him America’s Team,” Mojo D said, “and we’re not buying it.”

“There’s plenty of people that need killing over here,” said Dave the Animal, whose Cambridge team will face the Beelzebubbas this week. “I question his need to go over there. We think he’s trying to duck us.”

“Hell, I could have slept on top of a billboard until we won if I was just looking to pull a publicity stunt,” Biggs responded. “We wanted to give back to the community.”

From his underground command center beneath the NFFA Tower, Commissioner William D. Money ordered all league teams to observe a moment of silence before kickoff on Sunday for the success of Biggs’ expedition and his group’s safe return.

BLEACH OF CONTRACT ???

Gonzales explains how Commissioner Money destroyed his contract with Bobber

BLEACH OF CONTRACT ???
By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to destroy the reputation of Commissioner Willie D. Money and the integrity of the NFFA, Alberto Gonzales, former Attorney General of the United States, confirmed rumors that he had been hired by Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber to investigate alleged irregularities in NFFA scorekeeping. At a hastily convened press conference in Nashvegas, Gonzales informed league representatives and the public of the results of his intensive investigation.

Surrounded by men in black suits and others in white lab coats, Gonzales announced his findings that the NFFA's new league scorekeeper, FanStar Sports, LLC, had indeed failed to count the score correctly for several league games despite Commissioner Money's pre-season promises to team owners that FanStar would score league games the same way that SandBox had for the past two seasons. To the astonishment of reporters and onlookers alike, Gonzales further revealed that he had counseled Bobber to file suit against Money for, among other things, "bleach of contract."

Gonzales told the assembled multitude that Bobber had been assured "in writing" by Commissioner Money that scoring would remain the same under FanStar, but that the ink on the written contract had been erased through an elaborate scheme hatched by Money which involved sending Bobber a bleach-laced letter to destroy the ink on the original contract. According to Gonzales, Money was aware of Bobber's propensity to keep things organized (like most evil geniuses), and knew that Bobber would file Money's bleach-laced follow-up letter alongside the scoring contract, thereby allowing the bleach to perform its insidious task. Tests by CSI labs, whose lab technicians were in attendance, confirmed that traces of bleach were found on Money's letter which also bore his fingerprints.

According to Gonzales, FanStar is unable to keep up with points for tackles made by offensive players after a change of possession, tackles made by special teams players, touchbacks by kickers, and touchdowns scored by defensive players while playing an offensive position (and vice versa), all of which were routinely scored by SandBox for the past two seasons. Gonzales said Bobber was deprived of points in recent games for tackles made by Josh Cribbs on special teams and for a tackle made by WR Wes Welker after an interception in last week's game. Gonzales pointed out that, "With some NFFA games being so close, like the Beelzebubbas-Scouts game and the Animals-Mojo game last weekend, a point or two can make the difference in the outcome of a game and perhaps the league championship."

Gonzales told reporters that Bobber contacted Money to report these scoring discrepancies, as well as FanStar's failure to give the Atlanta SmackDaddies points for the touchdown reception made by LB Mike Vrabel while playing on offense, but Money gave him the brush-off. When Bobber went to his files to retrieve the Commissioner's written contract assuring that FanStar scoring would remain the same as SandBox scoring, Bobber discovered that the ink on the contract was gone.

Gonzales opined that FanStar's failure to count points for players like Vrabel and Welker (who make both offensive and defensive plays) violates the Equal Rights Act in that it discriminates unfairly against players who "go both ways." Gonzales said attempts to contact FanStar were unsuccessful as the company had recently moved its corporate headquarters to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates in order to avoid U.S. laws. Whether Commissioner Money might somehow be liable for this as well was not addressed by Gonzales.

According to Gonzales, he implored Bobber to file suit immediately by stating, "If this had happened to my former client, George Bush, he would have declared war and invaded, regardless of whether the offender possessed large oil reserves."

Bobber did not return phone calls before press time. He is believed to be assembling an armada that is heading down the west coast toward the Panama Canal.

BOBBER MAY SUE NFFA OVER ONE POINT

Triki Bobber (inset) wants Wes Welker (83) to be credited
a point for the tackle he made Monday night on this play.

BOBBER MAY SUE NFFA OVER ONE POINT
Man crush on Welker 'out of control'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Triki Bobber, criminally insane owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, is considering bringing a lawsuit againt the NFFA to force the league to add one point to his team's week four score, the AWP has learned.

According to a source within Commissioner William D. Money's office who spoke only on the condition of anonymity, Bobber bombarded the commissioner with phone calls and emails yesterday, insisting that Sea Hogs WR Wes Welker be credited with a point for a tackle he made Monday night following an interception. Also on Monday night, Atlanta Smack Daddies LB Mike Vrabel scored an offensive touchdown that went uncredited. The commissioner awarded the Smack Daddies an additional six points for Vrabel's TD.

Bobber was "obsessing" about it, the source said, insisting that if Vrabel got his points, Welker should get his. Although the commissioner was unavailable for comment on the matter, the source said Money considered it a non-issue and attributed it to Bobber's "out-of-control man crush on Welker."

According to a confidential source at Sea Hogs headquarters, Bobber was also unavailable for comment because he was huddled on his yacht with new adviser Alberto Gonzales discussing the team's legal options, which include "suing the NFFA back to the Stone age."