BUBBAS ‘BOUT THAT RING! West Nashville claims second NFFA crown

After becoming head coach in week 4 following the team's 0-3 start, Barry Switzer led West Nashville to 12-1 finish and their second NFFA title.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Back in 2002, the West Nashville franchise won the very first NFFA title. That year, there was no championship game, no playoffs, just one long, 17-week season at the end of which the Beelzebubbas had the league’s best record. That was a long time ago, so long ago that London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif likes to jokingly ask, “Are they still leaning on that?”

Now Sharif is one to be talking, considering he is only one of two current owners without a championship and the only founding owner without one. But still, he has a point: It has been quite a while since the ’Bubbas won a title, and despite making four trips to the title game between 2004, when the league went to a playoff system, and 2017, the ’Bubbas have not been able to get that second championship ring. Until Monday night, that is, when they raised the Dead Lombardi trophy following their 128.5-121.7 win over the Downtown Corsairs.

The ’Bubbas were the NFFA’s best team in this the league’s 16th year, winning their first Jorge division title with a 10-4 regular season mark that was two games better than the next-best record, but they won the title with less than their best performance. You have to go all the way back to their three-game losing streak to start the season to find a score lower than the one they posted in the title game. Speaking of that losing streak, it prompted GM Jorge Linardo to bring in legendary coach Barry Switzer to right the ’Bubbas’ ship. And right it Switzer did, piloting the team to an 12-1 record from week 4 forward, their only slip-up coming in week 8 against The Village Green. After that, they reeled off eight straight wins.

“Of all the titles I've won in college and the NFL, to win an NFFA championship is the sweetest of all,” Switzer said after the game. “And not just because Saddam said it means I get to live one more year.”

While great coaching powered the Beelzebubbas to the 2017 NFFA crown, the runner-up Corsairs were left to wonder about some of the lineup moves of head coach Jack White, specifically his decision to start QB Case Keenum in the title game. If White had given the nod to any one of the other three QBs (Matt Ryan, Jared Goff, Alex Smith) on his roster, the Corsairs would be wearing the crown. Considering team owner Mojo D’s volatile impatience when it comes to head coaches, one has to wonder if Coach White will be getting the axe — literally.

The Beelzebubbas became the fifth franchise to have multiple titles, joining the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and Downtown Corsairs with two rings apiece. The East Nashville Black Dogs and the Atlanta Smack Daddies are tied for the most championships with four each. This marks the third year in a row the championship has been won by a team from the Jorge division. The Cambridge Animals won the title in 2015 and the Black Dogs claimed the crown a year ago.

On another note, The Green won the consolation playoffs with victories over the Sea Hogs and Animals, giving the franchise with the first pick in the 2018 draft some momentum going into the offseason.

GREEN DOMINATE CORSAIRS Run rival's losing skid to six games

Roy Moore riding his horse, "Lolita."

By Kellyanne Conway
White House News Service

“We bet on the cum and it paid off,” tweeted Trump early Monday morning.  

In a stunning reveal, Village Green owner and President of the United States Donald Trump tweeted, “That's right. We harvested sperm from my boy Roy Moore's horse and injected 6 oz of it into Dak Prescott during halftime.” 

The President continued, “Roy Moore has the balls to represent Alabama and so does his horse. Did you see how Dak Prescott exploded in the fouth quarter?”

Mojo D, reeling badly from a six-game losing streak, was unavailable for comment.

BEELZEBUBBAS CLINCH JORGE First division title for West Nashville

RB Le'Veon Bell celebrates the 'Bubbas first division crown after last night's finale.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

With their win over the London Bakers last weekend, their fifth straight victory, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas ran their record to 9-4 and claimed the 2017 Jorge division title, the first division crown in the founding franchise's storied 16-year history.

"When we started 0-3, it looked like our season might be done before we even started division play," said 'Bubbas owner Mos' Ded. "Coach (Barry) Switzer has done a great job since he came on board in Week 4. We've still got a lot of work to do, but right now, we're going to pause and celebrate that all of our guys made it through Bacchanal Week without getting arrested or disappearing into another space-time dimension."

If the Beelzebubbas close out the season with a win over the 8-5 East Nashville Black Dogs at home this weekend, they will secure the No. 1 seed in the playoffs. The 8-5 Downtown Corsairs, who clinched the Linardo division title two weeks ago, would be the No. 2 seed. After starting the season 8-0, the Corsairs are reeling from five straight losses. A loss by the 'Bubbas and an unlikely win by Corsairs on the final weekend would leave the two teams with the same record, and the top two seeds would be determined by tiebreakers, which at this point, favor the Corsairs.

The 11-time Jorge champion Black Dogs clinched a wild-card playoff berth with their win over the Cambridge Animals, their fourth in a row, and will have the No. 3 seed.

The final wild-card spot will go to the winner of the game in Cambridge this weekend between the Animals and Bakers, who are both 6-7. The 6-7 Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are one of the league's hottest teams and could tie the winner of the Animals-Bakers game with a 7-7 record, but would lose the wild-card tiebreakers to either team.

On another note, with their loss to the Sea Hogs, The Village Green (4-9) clinched the first overall pick in the 2018 draft. The 5-8 Atlanta Smack Daddies will have the second pick in next year's draft.

WTA, WTF? Boston media's love affair with Wilder the Animal on the rocks after blown wins

Animals GM and former wunderkind Wilder the Animal has left the team's fans wondering what he's smoking with some of his recent lineup moves.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Like father, like son? After being the golden boy of the NFFA, the league's GM of the year in 2015, Cambridge Animals GM Wilder the Animal appears to have lost his magic touch this year, making lineup gaffes reminiscent of legendarily bad moves made by his father, Dave the Animal, that cost the team victories in seasons past.

Over the past month, WTA has fielded three lineups that included injured/inactive players, and in two of those instances, it cost the Animals a win — in week 9 against the Atlanta Smack Daddies and this past weekend against the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. In each case, had WTA played Randall Cobb at wide receiver rather than Kelvin Benjamin, Cambridge would have won the game and would now be tied with the Downtown Corsairs for the best record in the league at 8-4.

"I don't understand why Wilder hates me," Cobb said. "I lace them up and bring it for this team every week."

When he learned the Animals only had 12 active players in their lineup last weekend, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said, "I think Wilder was showboating, which he likes to do. Curlbaby likes to showboat, too. That's why I never let him coach." Sharif paused, then added, "I'll never forget when Wilder tried to big-dog Bill Money and me two summers ago. That's one thing I forgot to forget to hate."

Zuma the Animal

Media outlets in the greater Boston area normally deferential to the Animals young GM have found their spines in recent days and have been hammering his roster decisions relentlessly, referring to him as "Milder the Animal" and "blunderkind." Boston sports talk radio has been blowing up with speculation suggesting there will be a shake-up in the Animals power structure, with DTA's youngest son, Zuma the Animal, taking over as GM. "Some fans are understandably anxious about putting ZTA in charge, since he's only 7 years old," said retired Boston sports columnist Bob Ryan during a segment on ESPN's Around the Horn devoted to the Animals' woes. "On the other hand, they do have a wunderkind tradition, and it can't be much worse than how it is going now."

Neither WTA, nor DTA, could be reached as this story went to press. The person answering the phone in the Animals' media relations department declined to comment.

"MOST DEPRESSING CELEBRATION EVER"Corsairs lose 3rd straight but clinch Linardo title

Jack White leads the Leonard Four-nette while Mojo D (not pictured since he was curled up in the fetal position behind the amps) intones Ferlinghetti

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

The venue fit the mood Monday night as media, Corsairs front office and faithful fans gathered at The Blue Room at Third Man Records, home of Corsairs coach Jack White. The crowd anticipated epic, celebratory debauchery for the Corsairs' fifth playoff berth in a row; but after a blistering 8-0 start, the Corsairs have dropped three straight games, and the Corsairs boss was not happy.

The room was heavy with languor and nerves, as a visibly distressed and intoxicated GM Mojo D addressed the 450 friends, fans and media gathered at the Pie Town club that has become HQ for the Downtown Corsairs: “we ran the table in the first half of the season and swept the Black Dogs - two things we take great pride in. But I fear we started believing the media, which has bit us in the ass - a 3-game skid mark is unacceptable. We clinched the Linardo (Division), but only because the other three teams suck - two weeks in a row for a Jorge sweep? That’s unheard-of, but it means we’re going to the playoffs again, and for that, I’m grateful.”

Mojo D screeched "happy f*cking Thanksgiving, motherf*ckers!", signaled the bartenders to start pouring blue Solo cups of Playoff Punch-You-in-the-Mouth for the assembled masses, and brought coach Jack White to the stage. The mercurial musical and coaching genius [Corsairs lead the NFFA in Power Rank, Efficiency and All-Play percentage] led his newest art-rock quartet, “The Leonard Four-nette,” in a dissonant, feedback-filled, 60-minute improvisational opus backing Mojo D’s reading of Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s A Coney Island of the Mind, his voice processed through an increasingly disturbing series of distortions. By the closing chords, only a dozen or so people were left in the Blue Room, but Mojo D did not see the crowd leave, as he was laying behind the amps, rocking himself and sobbing silently. 

LYNCHED Cube fired midgame, RB Lynch named player coach, inspires victory

Marshawn Lynch, who led the Black Dogs to the 2016 NFFA title, was named player-coach of the team midgame this past weekend to inspire the team to their sixth win.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Prior to the finale of the East Nashville-Fidalgo Island game last night, Black Dogs owner and U.S. Senate candidate Bill Money reasserted his control of the Black Dogs franchise and ordered the firing of head coach Ice Cube, the AWP has learned. It is the first time in league history a coach has been fired midgame. Former Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch agreed to be player-coach for the remainder of the game — and season. The man who led the East Nashville franchise to its fourth NFFA title a year ago spurred the Dogs to an improbable victory with an impassioned pregame speech.

According to a source within the Money for U.S. Senate campaign, Money was following Sunday afternoon's action from a hotel in Dyersburg, Tennessee, where he had a speaking engagement that evening at the local AME church. When Money realized longtime starting wide receiver Keenan Allen, who was having a career day, had been benched by Coach Ice Cube, he went ballistic. "When Bill realized Allen was not in the starting lineup, he let loose a string of profanity that would have made the devil blush," the source, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, said. "He was like, 'Goddamn mother[expletive], goddamn mother[expletive]! What the [expletive] was Cube thinking? That's it. He's [expletive] history. He's next-to-last in coaching efficiency and our [expletive] record shows it.'

"Later that evening, Bill got [daughters] Mo and Cash on a conference call and told them Cube had to go before the Monday night finish," the source continued. "He went on to tell them he wanted Marshawn to be player-coach."

Lynch agreed to become player-coach late Sunday evening, and awoke yesterday morning to find himself under twitter attack from President Donald Trump, owner of The Village Green.

Lynch said Trump's tweet made him "mad enough to run through a mother[expletive]'s face." By midday, his mother, Delisa Lynch, had jumped into the fray, calling on the league to suspend Trump for the remainder of the season. Earlier this year, the running back was photographed wearing a T-shirt that read, "Everybody vs. Trump."

Still steaming about Trump in the lead-up to last night's finale, Lynch gave his team a pregame speech for the ages — it was probably the most words the closemouthed coach has ever uttered in one sitting. At one point, Lynch was in tight end Jimmy Graham's face, telling him to make that "little punkass bitch Sea Hogs quarterback give you the damn ball, boss." At another point in the speech, he implored kick returner Tyler Lockett to "run through every mother[expletive]'s face when you get the rock." Stellar performances by Graham and Lockett sealed the victory, especially Lockett, who had 19.7 points in kick return yardage that provided the team's winning margin.

Apparently, Ice Cube wasn't too upset over his firing, as he was seen in the owner's box at The Dawg House last night, laughing and toasting champagne with the Money sisters as the team jumped out to what seemed like an insurmountable lead by halftime, but which turned out to be just barely enough to edge the visiting Sea Hogs. 

When asked to comment on the victory afterwards, Lynch would only say, "London's calling, and now it's about that ring, boss."

BAKERS RECLAIM 12 SOUTH SOVEREIGNTY Triumphant return to ‘The Goose’ erupts in cheers, violence

After his team's stunning victory, superfan Bill Cheatham led a group of Baker Backers in removing the tarp that the state legislature had ordered to be placed over the statue of Mr. TD.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

When President Donald J. Trump moved The Village Green’s home game against the London Bakers to the Bakers’ old home field, and then purchased the rights to rechristen it for one week as Trump 12 South Stadium, he intended to intimidate and embarrass the team that he has come to hate more than any other except his most bitter rival, the Downtown Corsairs.

Instead, in a raucous, sometimes violent weekend that reminded many observers of the rough-and-tumble early days of the NFFA, the Bakers not only throttled Trump’s team, but restored a degree of both physical and moral sovereignty in the city they once called home.

The weekend began with Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and an entourage of 500 Baker fans from London being turned away unceremoniously from the gates of the game venue, formerly known as Grey Goose Stadium. It ended with a sustained melee in the stands, a hurried evacuation of Vice President Mike Pence, and nude dancing that spilled out from spontaneous celebrations in The Cherry Bomb Café onto Avenue Q.

“It feels like the ending of Return of the Jedi!” exulted 12 South activist Roz Tefarian, who had stood alongside a phalanx of the hastily reorganized Fedayeen Bakers to protect one of the team’s sacred shrines, the Satan Tree in Sevier Park, from hard-core evangelical Trumpites, led by Rep. Marsha Blackburn, who threatened to chop the tree into pieces and build a bonfire. 

Similarly, Trump and his supporters had demanded that the NashVegas Metro Council remove the statue of beloved Baker mascot and Sharif confidante Mr. TD from the plaza outside the football stadium. Since the Bakers moved to London, the statue had become a pilgrimage site for fans who often left flowers or hoped to receive a blessing from the statue, which was rumored to have healing properties after a young girl saw real tears streaming from Mr. TD’s bronze eyes in 2016. The council had not acted on Trump’s demand, but the Republican-dominated Tennessee General Assembly ordered that a black drape be placed over the statue in the meantime.

After Sharif was denied entrance to Trump 12 South Stadium, he and the 500 fans who had made the trip from London walked to the Cherry Bomb Café, site of some of Sharif’s greatest triumphs as a campaigner for global peace through medical marijuana, and crowded inside to watch the game. 

The historic Cherry Bomb, which badly suffered from neglect after the Bakers left the US ahead of the Trump tidal wave, was unprepared at first for the large crowd, but quickly roared to life and regained its old form. Master Bartender Devlin Redd, on loan for the day from Club Gitmo to man his old spot at The Bomb, created a special drink for the occasion that he called the Knee Down in honor of a practice begun by Bakers and Bubbas fans this year to kneel during “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Redd said his concoction — a mixture involving Nehi Grape Soda, Johnnie Walker Double Black and a tincture of battery acid — was also a tribute to old-time residents of 12 South who had taught him how to mix a similar libation before gentrification drove them out of the neighborhood. A Metro fire marshal, alerted to code violations created by the throng of fans inside, was last seen heading upstairs to Sharif’s old quarters with a Knee High in one hand and a Touchdown Taser® in the other.

Throughout Sunday afternoon, when it became apparent that the Bakers were going to defeat Trump’s Village Green, roughly 3,000 Baker fans in one corner of the stadium began taunting Green supporters with chants of “You’ve been Goosed” — a victory cheer going back to the venue’s years as Grey Goose Stadium. The chants quickly escalated into fistfights as Baker fans began snatching Make America Green Again caps from the heads of Village boosters.

“It was a [bleep]ing outrage,” said Baker superfan Bill Cheatham, who was briefly taken into custody after being identified from cellphone video as an instigator of the brawl. 

As Cheatham was being led away, Baker coach Snoop Dogg ran into the stands and began to yell at police officers: “What do they mean ‘green again?’ The Bakers made this place totally green years ago, if you know what I’m saying. Bitch, we don’t let an insult like that just pass. Maybe in London, but not at the Goose.” As fans surrounded the police, blocking their exit, the officers let Cheatham go.

Cheatham then led hundreds of Baker fans outside the stadium, where they removed the tarp covering the Mr. TD statue and cut it into shreds.

Afterward, a visibly moved Sharif, who had a number of well publicized differences with Cheatham over the years, announced that the man he called “our number one fan” would be one of the speakers at the Bakers’ annual Integrity Dinner later this month in Nashville.

As the melee unfolded, Baker fans pointed to the VIP suite occupied by Vice President Mike Pence, attending the game while President Trump was in Asia, and began chanting, “Hu-man Pa-ra-quat!” over and over. According to eyewitnesses, a number of Village Green fans also joined in the chant. Secret Service agents quickly evacuated Pence via the escape tunnel designed into the stadium years earlier by Sharif.

The Green’s minority owner, Dave Goodrow, apparently was not in the luxury suite with the vice president. Hours after the disturbance, several fans noticed him emerge from a private coach in the parking lot, visibly intoxicated, asking passersby what time the game was supposed to start.

Early Monday morning, as the party shifted from The Cherry Bomb to Sharif’s lavish West End Tree House, reporters were invited to mingle with the guests, who included former president Barack Obama and former British prime minister Tony Blair. 

“Donald Trump has tried to tear down all the great institutions of this country,” Sharif told members of the media who had asked him about the significance of the Bakers’ victory. “We all know he tried to buy a team in this league once before. We managed to hold him and all his new money at bay back then, but once he got his nose under the tent it was a different kind of fight. This league is one of the institutions that binds us together and reminds us of our common humanity. And today our team stood up for that institution and echoed the words of Mr. TD’s grandfather at Verdun in 1916: ‘They shall not pass!’”

As Sharif concluded his remarks, a misty-eyed Joe Biden told a reporter standing near him, “If I could speak like that, I’d be president right now.”

Blair, who had crossed the Atlantic with the team’s boosters, remembered remarks that Sharif had made early in the afternoon, as the Londoners had begun to gather outside The Cherry Bomb. “He reminded us that it was Veterans Day weekend,” Blair said, “and he told us that we were all veterans of this struggle against fascism in football and everywhere else. 

“He stood on that balcony of The Cherry Bomb, where he had given speeches to huge crowds before, and spoke just to our group that seemed so small at the time. We all know he’s been battling depression and psychosis, and who can blame him, but he put that all aside and roused himself as in the old days. He said that, after we achieved victory today, no Veterans Day would go by ‘from now until the ending of the world but we in it shall be remembered — we few, we happy few, we band of brothers. Gentlemen in England, now a-bed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks that fought with us on Veterans Day.’

“And then everybody began cheering as one,” Blair said, “After that speech, we not only knew we would win but that this day would be celebrated for as long as there is an England and an NFFA.”

BAKER RESURGENCE BELIED BY SHARIF'S PARANOIA

A photo from the war room at the One-Eyed Pig as QCurl Sharif organized a national anthem protest earlier this year. Recent reports cite Sharif's "full-blown paranoia."  

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—As the Russian probe into the Trump administration began to unfold Monday with the indictments and arrests of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, and a guilty plea offered from aide George Papdopoulos, the London Bakers were in the process of nailing down a second straight win and doing their part to throw the NFFA's Jorge Division into a four-way tie.

While many in the Baker front office were celebrating that win over Atlanta in the states, owner QCurl Sharif was reportedly hunkered down and three days drunk in the infamous war room at the One Eyed-Pig in London. Reports have it that Sharif has become increasingly agitated over the past several weeks due to the Bakers' inconsistent play, and what some are calling 'full-blown paranoia' over the Trump investigation.

"He's really depressed," an unnamed source in the Baker organization said of the scene Monday night. "He's starting to think Poroshenko is glowing. Not that he's dirty, by any means, but all things considered with Sharif's well-known passion in Ukraine -- his heroism actually on the battlefield -- and his personal knowledge that politics are not always what they seem in that part of the world. There's been a shit-ton of money floating around there for some time now."

Reports of Sharif's erratic behavior in recent weeks have some in the front office on edge. In an alternately raging, tearful, postgame locker-room plea to his head coach and team following the tough loss to the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in Week Six, Sharif declared "don't fuck this thing into the ground!"

It was an unusually tense and candid scene according to one player, who described Sharif as "wild-eyed and naked" during the rant.

"It's not unusual in the sense that Sharif often comes in and showers with the team," the player, who also wished to remain anonymous, said. "What was unusual were the crazy mood swings and the fact that he menacingly presented himself around the room. I mean, some of our guys are men of faith, and the looks on their faces were so twisted, like they were watching the devil himself, dancing and screaming.

"When QCurl finally chilled down and went to the shower, most players just put on their clothes and headed for the bus. Like post haste. I did see Khalil Mack, and I think Brady and Snoop, go in there with him. When I left, they were back there singing old Gaelic fighting songs and QCurl just sounded really smashed at that point."

The Bakers stateside skid, which included losses to East Nashville, Downtown Corsairs, and the Bubbas, apparently left the fragile owner in shock. Sharif was unabashed in his taunting references to his own defense, while defending himself against the charges of increasingly erratic behavior. He spoke to reporters following the Black Dog loss.

"I've heard some of the reports of that locker room scene, and they couldn't be more inaccurate," Sharif said then, as sounds from The Band's The Last Waltz drifted through the fabled rumpus room at the One-Eyed Pig. "With the lone exception being my extreme drunkeness. And, if that offends, I can do nothing about it. I'm either drunk or high before, during and after every game. It's the Baker Way. I mean that Bubbas' loss was a culminating, crushing loss, and I was sharing heartbreak with my brothers.

"I want to live among men — walk with my head up among them — and these guys haven't resembled anything close, except in some aberrant physical characteristics. Our defense, once the fearsome banner under which the Bakers fought, is in tatters. And Keuchly — what a crybaby. I haven't seen that many tears since the Chocolate King pulled the candy-coated hookers out of Sepp Blatter's birthday party.

"It's not alright for our guys to walk around the streets of London in a genderless way. If I have to take this all back to Baker basics -- Baker bootcamp -- I will. Snoop remembers those days and no one wants to go there. I remember Bironas saying one day after practice back then, he felt like he'd been dry-humped by the whole team. And, actually, he had. He was just delirious. It's one of our drills."

But according to the unnamed source at The Pig Monday night, Sharif paid little attention to the game. Rather, he sat in an intense conversation with two unidentified men during Marcus Peters' brilliant night. The conversation reportedly lasted over three hours, with Sharif standing at one point and relieving himself into an empty silver bowl on a nearby table.

"We're all pretty worried right now," the source said. "We want to feel good about what's happening on the field, but wondering if there's any validity to Sharif's distraction. We've seen him strung out before, but this is different. Those guys he was sitting with seemed like they were holding some cards. Looked pretty medieval. Of course, could always be drugs. That's why we're sort of letting things play out. Could be nothing."

NFFA Roundup BAKERS TO RETURN TO ‘THE GOOSE’ Trump leases 12 South landmark for week 10 game

Kellyanne Conway announced this week The Village Green will host the London Bakers at the Bakers' old field, formerly known as Grey Goose Stadium.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Through media spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, The Village Green announced Tuesday that the team’s upcoming game against the London Bakers will be played in the Bakers’ old Nashville home, formerly known as Grey Goose Stadium.

According to Conway, the Nashville Sports Council and Mayor Megan Barry agreed to a one-weekend, “special event” lease that will permit the two teams to use the stadium, which the Bakers sold to the city after their relocation to the U.K. The terms of the lease, Conway said, also permit the Trump organization to use the name Trump 12 South Stadium for the venue that weekend.

“We think this will make for an even more exciting event for our fans and all NFFA fans,” Conway said. Echoing that thought, President Trump tweeted Tuesday morning: “Can’t wait to WELCOME the failing drug dealers and traitors from London back to their old digs for a beating!”

The rest of the league seemed surprised and disturbed by this development. “Trump has his own stadium in town, though I can see why he wouldn’t want to play in that dump of a dome,” said Commissioner Jim McMahon.

Bubbas VP of Fan Success Saddam Hussein, who was sitting next to McMahon at the Club Gitmo Sports Book Sandwich Shop, chimed in: “This is clearly an act of psychological warfare, not to mention a desecration of a space that many of us hold sacred. It was on [Baker owner QCurl] Sharif’s property, after all, that I watched my own execution on TV back in the day.”

Trump’s move isn’t the only recent indignity the Bakers have suffered in the city. When the team returned to Nashville earlier in October for a game against the Black Dogs, the pregame show featured a troupe of 20 “Megging Barry” impersonators – an apparent dig at Bakers’ QB Tom Brady – who danced lewdly to a “God Save the Queens” parody version of the English national anthem. The act created a diplomatic incident with the British government, which demanded a formal apology from the United States.

Gore Urges Black Dogs to Victory in Week 8

After his Beelzebubbas team scored a rare victory at The Dawg House Monday, RB Frank Gore and Bubbas Coach Barry Switzer paid a surprise visit to the East Nashville locker room, FSN has learned.

They offered words of encouragement that were especially meaningful to Gore, a member of the 2008 Black Dogs, the only championship team in league history to finish with a perfect 16-0 record. 

Frank Gore

“This was a great game tonight,” said Gore to the defending league champions. “Now, on behalf of all the 2008 Black Dogs, we want y’all to go tear up that Corsair ass next weekend.” As no one needed to remind the players, the Corsairs have run through the first half of the season with an unblemished 7-0 record.

“We knew all along we couldn’t count on Goodrow,” said Gore, referring to the Village Green’s unexpectedly close bid for an upset win over the Corsairs. “It’s up to y’all. Make it rough on those Jack White boys.”

Speaking to reporters afterward, Switzer said, “It’s just a great privilege to finally get the opportunity to coach in this league, and to come in after the team started off 0-3 and now be tied for first place. Tonight we had the kind of old-school, slobberknocker game between two traditional powers that scored nearly 400 points between them. It was like Ali-Frazier, Cowboys-Redskins, OU-Nebraska, not like this low-scoring 3-D chess [expletive] since the league got all Trumpified. 

“I’m not the only one saying that, either. Mr. Linardo called me tonight. He knows you don’t just pull out your dick at The Dawg House and expect to win. He said, ‘Balance has been restored to the Force.’ I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but I know what he meant.”

Condolence Call Causes Kerfuffle

What was intended as a condolence call from the President of the United States to the public face of the Atlanta Smack Daddies last week has turned into another off-field controversy for the NFFA.

Alge Crumpler

Hours after the Daddies’ QB Carson Palmer left the game with a broken arm, Donald Trump placed a call to the Alge Crumpler, who serves in a consulting and community relations capacity for the team. White House Spokeskank Sarah Huckabee Slanders said Trump meant to commiserate with Smack Daddies’ owner Lex Dominica, whose team has been decimated by injuries this season. As Slanders pointed out, Trump’s own team, The Village Green, lost QB and top draft pick Aaron Rodgers to injury a week earlier — and has not won since.

Crumpler, however, took a different view of the call. “He (Trump) kept babbling about ‘Your guy knew what he was getting into, but I guess it still hurts,’ ” said the former All-NFFA tight end. “He didn’t even know ‘our guy’s’ name. It’s CARSON, bitch! And he totally disrespected the fact that our team is under the Dominica curse. People here are hurting, and he’s just running that punkass mouth. And Sarah Slanders? Don’t get me started on that thing. That’s Baghdad Bob in a toesack dress.”

Despite repeated attempts, Smack Daddies owner Dominica could not be reached for comment.

BREAKING: MOJO D WON'T DENY RODGERS BOUNTY REPORTS

This 2015 photo from South Carolina went viral after Mojo D's phone was hacked
by "pathetically sloppy Russians under the direct supervision of Donald Trump"

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

Amid allegations by Pres. Donald Trump that he sanctioned a season-ending hit on Village Green QB Aaron Rodgers, Corsairs' GM Mojo D replied "I will hit back soon, and it will be ugly." FSN caught up to Mojo D and Coach Jack White in Amsterdam's Schiphol airport. D added "T-Rump is still pissed about my 50-State Flip-Off Tour, and I am happy to get under that Cheetoh-colored skin any chance I get. But doesn't he have like 600 position to fill and a nuclear war to start? Get a grip, Donald."

When pressing Mojo D on the Rodgers allegations, Jack White stepped into the FSN reporter's space, rammed an index finger into the reporter's chest and snarled: "this is a rough game designed for big boys, and if some pussy-ass sissies can't handle that, they should scurry off to some f*cking ESPN bullsh*t league."

Team handlers then hustled the coach and GM into the Emerald Club. More on this breaking story as it develops.

MOJO D BEHIND RODGERS HIT? Trump lashes out, accuses rival owner of conspiracy

President Trump fires back at reporter Woody Larry during Monday's press conference with Sen. Mitch McConnell.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

During his press conference Monday with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, President Donald Trump accused rival NFFA owner Mojo D of paying a player to injure his team’s All-Star QB, Aaron Rodgers.

“I know he did it,” Trump said of D. “We have it all on tape. It’s all right there, and it’s huge.”

On Sunday, Rodgers suffered a season-ending collarbone injury following a hit by LB Anthony Barr. The injury arguably cost Trump’s Village Green the game last weekend, because Rodgers departed early after scoring just 1.8 points – more than 36 points below his average up to that point in the season. Moreover, the injury means that the Green must face Mojo D’s undefeated Corsair squad this weekend without their most reliable performer.

According to Trump, who had been in the process of answering a reporter’s question about Republican plans for a tax cut, Mojo D promised $1 million in bitcoin to Barr if he could “find a way to get Rodgers out of the game.” 

Asked about his evidence for such a serious accusation, Trump replied that D’s entire conversation with Barr was caught on tape.

“Are you using the government to secretly record the conversations of other NFFA owners?” asked reporter Woody Larry.

“I didn’t say that,” Trump shot back. “I never said that. And to say anymore about it would expose sources and methods. Let’s just say we have great ears. We have the best, most tremendous ears.

“And if you’re suggesting there was something sinister going on here, you want to know what’s sinister?” Trump, now on a roll, continued. “Paying a player who’s not even on your team to injure our star. You know, this is a rough-and-tumble league, and I’m a big man. I know that players in this league sometimes get paid extra for going above and beyond when it comes to certain things. But to pay someone not on your team? That’s morally wrong. 

“That’s just wrong, right, Mitch?” continued Trump, turning toward McConnell.”

“Sad, Mr. President. Profoundly sad,” replied McConnell, shaking his head.

Asked what his next step would be, Trump said, “We’re going to have a big announcement soon, maybe next week. You’ll see.”

Pressed for specifics, the president said, “As you know, our football team has the best president in the league, except for me — Dave Goodrow. By the way, he has told me what a tremendous job I’ve been doing since I came into the NFFA, probably the best ever. I said, ‘Goodrow, what do you think we should do?’ And he said, ‘I want to crush Mojo D.’ That’s where I will leave it. I said, ‘Goodrow, from your lips to God’s ear.’ ”

BAKERS MAY SUE LEAGUE — AGAIN!

The London Bakers are disputing Reshad Jones 38-yard fumble return for a touchdown and are considering legal action to disallow the play.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

The AWP has learned the London Bakers are considering bringing a lawsuit against the NFFA to overturn the results of the team's 9.7-point loss last weekend to the East Nashville Black Dogs. 

According to the AWP's source inside the Bakers organization, the suit would center around what team owner QCurl Sharif is calling the "great gridiron robbery" that occurred in Miami on Sunday when officials blew a call that resulted in 12.8 points for the Black Dogs and cost the Bakers the win. On the play in question, East Nashville safety Reshad Jones picked up what looked like an incomplete pass and ran it 38 yards into the end zone. A stunned Sharif looked on in disbelief when the officiating crew ruled it a fumble and a touchdown. "You don't fumble the [expletive] ball 15 yards in the air down the field," Sharif said after the game.

The source went on to say if the Bakers decide to sue the league, they would file the lawsuit in the court of federal judge Naomi Morningstar, a close personal friend of Sharif. While their friendship — which might be more accurately characterized as intimate — would seem to favor the Bakers, since the team's move to London last season, Morningstar has been seen in the company of Black Dogs owner and U.S. Senate candidate Bill Money, including at a number of recent campaign events. This reporter overheard Money's daughter and Dogs GM Mo Money refer to the judge as her "future stepmom."

If they go forward with the lawsuit, it will not be the first time the Bakers have sued the league. In 2014, they brought a lawsuit to annul the entire season.

More on this story as it develops.