SHOCKING DTA AUDIO: ‘NO STRAIGHTIES IN MY HOUSE’ Dennis Rodman leaks tape of Cambridge owner; team sponsors react

Dennis Rodman allegedly leaked to the media the sensational audio recording of Cambridge owner Dave the Animal's now-famous heterophobic diatribe.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
 

A shocking audio tape, with a voice purported to be that of NFFA franchise owner Dave the Animal denouncing heterosexual fans and players, caused a sensation across the league and the country on Tuesday as it went viral.

On the tape, a voice that sounds like DTA’s can be heard telling former NBA star and “friend of the Animals” Dennis Rodman that he does not want straight people playing for his team or attending their games.

The tape was provided to FSN by Rodman, who said that he was “shocked” by the Cambridge owner’s “deep animus toward persons of hetero,” and others. “This experience has opened my eyes,” added Rodman, who had been a regular guest in the owner’s box at Animals games, was frequently seen at DTA’s private parties for employees of Methlon Enterprises and has been a model for Methlon’s new line of designer men’s handbags.

By Rodman’s account, the recorded conversation began when Rodman showed DTA Instagram photos of himself with former Animal Jay Cutler, Matt Damon, Maya Angelou, Village Green coach Stuart Smalley and Green owner Dave Goodrow. In the audio, DTA admonishes Rodman: “The world will think certain things if you’re seen with straighties, so you should not be seen with them in public, don’t have your picture taken with them, and don’t bring them to Animals games.”

Rodman replies: “I don’t see your views.”

DTA: “Well, then, don’t come to my games. Don’t bring vagina bandits, and don’t come.”

Rodman: “Do you know that you have thousands of fans who are straight, and some who play for you?”

DTA: “Do I know? I support them and give them food and clothes and cars and houses and meth. Who gives it to them? Does someone else give it to them? Who makes the game? Do I make the game, or do they make the game?”

Rodman: “Honey, if it makes you happy, I will remove all the straight people from my Instagram.”

DTA: “Will you, or did you?”

Rodman: “I DID remove them – all except for Stuart and Goodrow.”

DTA:  “Why?”

Rodman:  “I thought they were mixed, just like me, so they’re OK. Goodrow performs with the Village People!”

DTA:  “You think I’m a straightophobe.”

When reached for comment, Animals media relations director Sterling Donald said they believe the tape is a fake, speculating that Rodman produced it after Dave the Animal refused to grant his request for a lifetime supply of meth for himself and North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un.

Elsewhere, reaction was swift and severe. Several sponsors, including Old Spice, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and the U.S. Marine Corps, announced that they were pulling advertising and sponsorship deals with the Animals.

Others called for the NFFA to strip DTA, one of the league’s original team owners, of his beloved Animals franchise. “I hope it isn’t true,” said NFFA Commissioner Lorena “Mee-Maw” Murmann. “I’m going to have to have a long talk with that boy.”

A few commentators, however, were willing to defend DTA publicly. “I’m guessing everybody has forgot that DTA isn’t like us,” said ESPN’s Steven A. Smith. “He travels backward through time. He knows that in the future everyone will be gay, and he is trying to prepare the world for that reality. I’m not saying this just because he’s a personal friend of mine, but he’s a personal friend of mine, and I’m not gay — yet.”

CLUB GITMO STARTS COLLECTION AGENCY Mojo D first target of Chigur Revenue Cycle Solutions, ZLC

Mojo D, shown above left with Corsairs coach Ray Lewis, owes over $1 million to Club Gitmo Sports Book and is the target of their in-house collection agency.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In response to mounting bad debt at its lavish sports book, Club Gitmo announced yesterday the creation of its own in-house collection agency, Chigur Revenue Cycle Solutions, ZLC.

The new firm, a subsidiary of the Club and headed by team executive Anton Chigur, will focus on resolving unpaid debts resulting from gambling losses by bettors at the Sports Book.

In organizing the new company, Club Gitmo took advantage of a brand new law, passed by the Tennessee Legislature at the urging of Dr. Jorgé Linardo, establishing a ZLC, or Zero Liability Corporation.

While Saddam Hussein, the manager of the Sports Book, refused to discuss the amount of bad debt his operation has incurred, or name any of those targeted for collection services, two team officials disclosed privately that Downtown Corsairs owner Mojo D lost “a considerable sum that has not been repaid.”

“All told, he’s into us for about $1.2 million,” said one official who asked that his name not be published. “On 2 November he put 1,000 Linardos on the Corsairs to win it all. One thousand Linardos equal $100,000. With compounded interest, that’s $1.2 million.”

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif also owed $1.2 million, following a bet on his own team, recorded on September 14, against the Village Green. However, sources said that Black Dogs owner Bill Money stepped up and covered Sharif’s debt.

Less clear, according to inside sources, was how the Club Gitmo Sports Book handled two large debts incurred by the Bakers’ then-coach Snoop Lion. One source suggested that the team’s PR maven, Faith Popcorn, somehow persuaded Hussein to write off the debt. In any event, the sources agreed, the club no longer shows a debt from Lion on its books.

That leaves Mojo D and the Corsairs as the primary focus for Chigur.

“We rely on a variety of instruments — financial, legal, and other,” said the source. “We’ll collect. Let me put it this way. Anton always gets paid.”

SHARIF LIVES, SAYS ATTORNEY

A cell phone photo shows an unidentified chimp driving a car in Kiev, Ukraine, 
which allegedly was carrying QCurl Sharif and Faith Popcorn.

by Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope
 

NASHVILLE — "QCurl Sharif is not dead," lawyer Mandrake Kirby said Friday in a small press conference held on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Café. Kirby represents Mr. Sharif and the 12th Avenue Bakers organization, which Sharif owns.

Kirby felt compelled to speak following the news that Baker superfan Bill Cheatham was seeking to have the owner declared dead. It is Cheatham's contention that Sharif has been killed in the restive Ukraine. Kirby revealed that Sharif's absence has been the topic of much discussion within the Baker offices, but that "those truly in the know" are aware of Sharif's whereabouts and movements.  New coach Rob Bironas and former coach Snoop Lion attended the press conference, but did not speak. Kirby alluded to witness reports from Kiev in his statement.

"Mr. Sharif, Ms. Popcorn, and an unidentified 'pet or animal' have been seen in a Soviet-era 1980 Lada driving the streets of Kiev," Kirby said. "I have seen photographs that support the claims, although the 'pet or animal' appears to be driving and Mr. Sharif appears to be topless in each shot.

"Ms. Popcorn looks to be fully clothed ... for a change."

Cheatham's attempt to have Sharif declared dead comes from the superfan's desire — and the desire of others — to wipe the slate clean for the star-crossed organization, and to rid itself of Russian stakeholders. Nashville's Ukrainian ex-pat community supports Cheatham's actions.

According to Kirby, Sharif was asked to travel to the vulnerable country on the behalf of President Obama, a longtime friend. The White House has refused to comment, but acknowledges that Sharif and Obama have spoken in recent months.

"To declare Mr. Sharif dead without any proof, and to ignore eyewitness reports, is a ludicrous proposition," Kirby said. "I'm not worried about his lack of communication — I mean we've gone for weeks without hearing from him before, only to find out he was in The Treehouse, or that he literally could not speak. I must say, that after seeing these photographs — which are extremely confidential at this point — I am beginning to suspect the latter scenario.

"And, to speak to those names that have surfaced in regards to interest in potential ownership — well, I'll just say that Mr. Sharif has slept with each one on that list, and in one instance, two of the three at once. If, in fact, he were dead, it would be an insult to his memory for the Bakers to be owned by someone he paid to assault. And, in another instance, by someone he had paid to choke themselves while wearing a genuine Louis XIV wig. I've seen those photos, too."

SHARIF TO BE DECLARED DEAD? ‘Time to move forward,’ Cheatham says

(L-R) Little Jimmie Dickens, Lindsay Lohan and Donald Trump are all rumored to be interested in becoming the new owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a bizarre twist to an already odd story, Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham filed a motion in a Nashville district court Monday to have the team’s owner, QCurl Sharif declared legally dead.

Sharif, along with PR maven Faith Popcorn, has been missing ever since they were seen, along with an unidentified chimpanzee, boarding a private jet bound for Kiev, Ukraine, in early March. Sharif reportedly intended to broker a peace deal between the governments of Ukraine and Russia.

In Popcorn’s absence, sources say, the Bakers’ organization has seemed rudderless. Meanwhile, Sharif’s West End Treehouse has remained dark, and business at the legendary Cherry Bomb Café has dwindled. To compound the Bakers’ woes, members of Nashville’s expatriate Ukrainian community have held protest marches near the team’s offices on Avenue Q, calling for the organization to divest itself of the shadowy Russian investors who reportedly now own 45 percent of the franchise.

“The whole place has gone to pot, and not in a good way,” said former Bakers coach Snoop Lion when a reporter caught up with him at the Nashville Film Festival.

The turmoil, Cheatham said, led him to file his motion with the court. “For us fans, this is our opportunity,” he told FSN. “The sooner Sharif is legally dead, the sooner this organization can try to get on its feet. We need to bury the past in a deep, deep hole.”

In the wake of Sharif’s disappearance, Cheatham and a fan group known as Bakerbackers have appealed separately to NFFA Commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murmann to revoke QCurl’s franchise and award it to a new owner.

Murmann told FSN she was “seriously considering” the request and would make an announcement in early May. Sources close to the commissioner say Murmann has long been troubled by “the questionable people Sharif hangs out with, like Joe Biden.” Why, Murmann once wondered aloud, “can’t he be like that nice boy Mojo D?”

Several names have already surfaced as replacement owners if Murmann revokes the Bakers franchise — including Donald Trump and Lindsey Lohan. In addition, a Music Row consortium fronted by journalist/songwriter Peter Cooper has privately expressed interest in taking over the Bakers and renaming them the 12th Avenue Pickers.

“There are a number of good candidates to be the Bakers’ new owners,” Cheatham said. “I hear (former Alamo Scouts owner) ThurMurr wants to get back in the game. Little Jimmy Dickens wants it bad. (Bakers coach Rob) Bironas could be the first owner/player/coach in history. And (former NashVegas mayor) Bill Boner supposedly has a group of investors. We hope the courts or the commissioner will make this happen.

“This club has been basically dead ever since they let (former coach) Stumpy (Legg) get out the window. It’s time to move forward.”