BALLERS CLAIM ANIMALS HACKED WEEK 3 LINEUP

Did DTA's super-computer Nancy hack Mojo D's Zoltar Speaks fortune-telling machine?

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

In a brief, rambling Skype call with media, Pie Town Baller-in-Chief Mojo D claimed that Nancy, Dave the Animal's super-computer, hacked his lineup in Week 3. The Ballers fell to 2-1 with a 11.6-point loss to the Animals in Cambridge.

"How else would I have started Lamar Jackson over Matt Ryan? That violates the cardinal rule of NFFA: 'ride your studs.' And the cast of over-performers riding the pine last week? That's absurd. Then Elias swipes five points too?" Asked about his process for selecting the lineup each week, Mojo D said only: "Zoltar speaks." The call then ended abruptly.

A Pie Town insider - who spoke on condition of anonymity - said that in the days leading up to the game, Mojo D spent hours in a darkened space at the Third Man Blue Room consulting the Zoltar Speaks Fortune-Telling Machine. On Tuesday, the insider reported that Mojo D showed up with an axe and smashed the machine, screaming "f*cking Nancy! F*cking Nancy!!"
More on this story as it develops.

GOOD ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, AND DOGGONE IT, HE'S RICH ENOUGH, TOO Group led by Stuart Smalley ousts Trump from Green ownership

Village Green coach Stuart Smalley has ousted owner Donald Trump.

By Heywood Jablome

United Web Press International

Following the commanding win over the Beelzabubbas, a consortium of Village Green supporters led by Coach Smalley have announced that the team is under a new ownership structure.  

“We are thrilled to get out from under the narcissistic rule of Mr. Trump" said Smalley. “My friends and I believe in positive reinforcement and that proved itself Sunday with the players I sent out on the field. We had a mindfulness retreat this weekend and both Mr. Prescott and Henry showed tremendous focus.”

Insiders say that the failed purchase of Greenland and the disastrous Taliban discussions pale in comparison to the disappointment Trump will feel over the soul-crushing sale of the 2018 NFFA championship team. When the news broke that ownership of the team had been wrested from the president, Trump tweeted, “The announcement that I am no longer the principal owner of the Village Green is total FAKE NEWS!!! Stuart Smalley is delusional. So sad!”

At the Goodrow A Go Go this afternoon, NFFA followers speculated over who the leader of the new ownership group would be.

More on this breaking story as it develops.