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| Coach Ditka faces the press. |
In a rare joint press conference on Tuesday, Bronko Nagurski, owner and general manager of the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees,
and Mike Ditka, current coach of the Cherokees, responded to rumors that Ditka’s job had been on the line before the first-year coach steered his team into the playoffs. In Ditka’s first year on the job, the Cherokees had fought to a draw over the first four games, beating the East Nashville Black Dogs and the London Bakers but losing to the Cambridge Animals and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. But Monday night, Ditka’s team finished off the The Village Green to qualify for the Championship. Reporters asked the two about the team’s fortunes this season.
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| GM Nagurski |
“I could understand losing to the Animals in week two,” Nagurski said to the gathered scribes. “After all, I was told that Linardo had all the best teams but that the Animals at least might be able to compete – so long as Dave the Animal, for whom I have nothing but respect, didn’t screw the pooch like a racoon drunk on fermented berries. But to lose to the Beelzebubs? I heard their coach uses the I Ching to set his lineups.”
“But Mr. Nagurski got happier,” said Ditka, “when we destroyed our divisional rivals the Ballers and Village Green in back to back games. Absolutely kicked the sh*t out of them, ringing up the pie guys for 211 and the village people for 172, average margin of victory 65. I heard Goodrow sought counseling and Mojito kicked his dog.”
Nagurski advised Ditka to watch his language before commenting: “But then we lost back to back games to a couple of Jorge Division doormats, the Atlanta Slap Daddies, a team coasting on the shirttails of over-achieving Patrick Mahomes, and the Black Dogs, a team with more QBs on IR than we bothered to have on our roster: losing one QB is a tragedy; losing a second is just careless.”
“Yeah,” said Ditka. “After losing to Money’s curs, we had dropped back to even, but the following week we got revenge on the Animals – they lucked out a seven-point win the first time and we clobbered ‘em by 60 this time. But I can’t believe we lost the next one.”
Ditka then launched into an expletive filled tirade about losing a game to perennial bottom-dwellers the London Bakers. Ditka expressed the opinion that anyone who carries four defensive lineman is so clueless that he probably calls his coach during the game to recommend the hidden ball trick. Asked if he would speak that way to QCurl Sharif’s face, Ditka scoffed: “I’ve got chunks of guys like that in my stool!”
With this remark Nagurski cut off Ditka’s mic and advised him to wipe the foam off his mouth.
“It was the back to back losses to Pie Town and Village Green in weeks twelve and thirteen that almost cost Mike his job,” said Nagurski. “I mean, Mojo D is so besotted with his own playoff record that the first thing he kisses in the morning is a mirror, and Dave Goodrow is so mild mannered he takes his milk with more milk. But we still controlled our own destiny, and I figured we’d beat the Atlanta Smack Daddies this time because Lex Dominica would probably screw up by, I don’t know, starting Kamara against the SF defense or something. But that was do or die for Mike. Fortunately, he got it done.”
Reporters asked Ditka how he had felt going into the playoffs for the first time against the top seeded Village Green, a team that had throttled him only two weeks before.
Ditka noted that he had not been particularly concerned: he had plans to raise volcanic goats in Italy should he get knocked out of the playoffs in the first round and lose his job. “Besides, it was pretty easy to get into Goodrow’s head before the game. I told him that by the end of the game he’d feel like a rawhide chew toy after it’s been shat out on his mother’s favorite carpet, and that was pretty much that. Didn’t really need another double century to send him packing.”
Asked about his chances against the Pie Town Ballers for the championship, Ditka responded: “Look, I’ve got nothing against Mojito D. I just want to say that we are going to humiliate him so thoroughly that his children will no longer respect him and his wife will no longer be intimate with him.”
Asked the same question, Nagurski said: “Actually, I do have a personal motive. I was new to the league and didn’t know much about how the draft works, and Mojo D recommended that if I didn’t use the first pick of the draft for a QB, like Matt Ryan, I should pick up Arizona RB David Johnson. That worked out great, of course. Ryan wouldn’t have been much better, it turns out. But I found a backup QB in the fifth round. How you like Jameis now?”
With this Nagurski slapped a bratwurst out of Ditka’s mouth and ended the press conference.
