penthouse apartment above The Cherry Bomb Cafe.
Editor's note: The following is the first in a series of articles which revisit past NFFA Newswire coverage of significant events in the history of the league. In the opener, we go back to the 2004 season and look at the brief period when 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif — then known as G. Q. Denney — illegally exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi and gave him a fat contract to coach the Bakers.
Better Off Dead
BAKERS DUMP NAMELESS COACH, HIRE DEAD LOMBARDI
By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
9/29/2004 5:21:00 p.m.
In an expected move, Bakers' owner G.Q. Denney fired the nameless hooker from the Republican Convention who was serving as his head coach and exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi, signing him to a big fat contract in an effort to turn things around.
"This is the biggest move we've busted since the release of the Linardo Papers," said an ecstatic Denney. "Even in death Vince represents everything the Bakers stand for ... alcoholism aside. Actually, I don't know if you can be an alcoholic when you're dead.'
Rumors had circulated for weeks, energized by sightings of Bakers' officials in Lombardi's cemetery with shovels and flashlights. It has been reported that the injured Charles Garner was used to replace the body, but that story has not been substantiated.
When pressed, the owner replied: "The Bakers would never bury a former player alive ... we just don't operate like that. Our team policy has always drawn the line at unlicensed medical experimentation ... we would never go beyond that."
Lombardi has yet to appear at a press conference, but has reportedly spoken through his agent, Larry Tate. The two were seen together at last night's gay rights benefit, The Greco-Roman Ball, held at the home of Boyd X. Biggs.
DENNEY CLEARED OF CHARGES BY LEAGUE OFFICE
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/2/2004 12:29:00 p.m.
The AWP has learned that 12th Avenue owner G.Q. Denney has been cleared of charges of misconduct on draft night.
Speaking only on condition of anonymity, a source within the commissioner's office confirmed the investigation of Denney has been dropped.
"Bottom line is this," the source said. "Commisioner Money doesn't want to mess with the Bakers now that they have a zombie as their coach.
"Vince Zombardi was scary when he was alive," the source continued. "Now that he's dead, he's downright frightening."
The source went on to say that the Hell's Angels will be providing additional security at all Bakers games for the rest of the season. "You just never know when a zombie will up and try to kill someone."
Lombardi dead after all these years
DEAD COACH CLAIMS DEATH BEHIND LOSS
By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/12/2004 6:33:00 p.m.
Seems a couple of coaching moves by new Bakers head coach Vince Lombardi cost him a victory in his return to the sideline — or lack of moves. With his starting QB on a bye week and one of his WRs on the same, Lombardi had little hope.
"Yeah we looked bad this weekend," he sighed. "But did you see what our bench did to his bench. We kicked some major rump. Our bench even destroyed our starting lineup. It gives us something to strive for.'"
As for the rumor that owner G.Q. Denney laid money out against the Bakers, in collusion with Boyd X. Biggs, Lombardi became enraged. "If that's true I'll show him the business end of a dead man's wrath. I wasn't exhumed to become embroiled in a gambling and sex-change scandal ... uh, did I say sex change ... this interview is over. ..."
DEAD LOMBARDI KILLED IN BIZARRE FARM ACCIDENT
By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/19/2004 12:04:00 p.m.
SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Vince Lombardi was found dead again Monday morning, the apparent victim of a tractor rollover. Depressed over the worst start in Bakers' history, Lombardi had sought solitude at The Farm, made famous in past decades by Stephen Gaskin.
"I spoke last with Vince Sunday night," said an obviously distraught owner G.Q. Denney. "He said Stephen could use some help bringing in the sheaves ... and he thought it would take his mind off the team's current woes. Our team is devastated by this and our doctors say there are no salvageable parts of him that could be used to create another coach."
Beelzebubbas' enforcer Jorge Linardo was seen entering the Lombardi home late Monday with a covered dish.
"There is a soft side to Jorge," Denney said. "Vince love El Jefe. They say the undead bond with the first person they see when restored to life ... he loved him so much you might have thought it was Linardo on the end of the switch."
The tractor apparently flipped on Lombardi as he attempted to cross a ditch and retrieve a wagon loaded with freshly harvested 'sheaves. One of Linardo's two sons, Manuel "Short Eyes" Linardo, was the first to find the body. The wagon in question had been removed by the time authorities had arrived.
"We're going to miss him," said a tearful Denney. "He had the unmistakable odor of winning about him. I felt it wouldn't be long before the whole squad had the same odor. Now I find out from Gaskin one of the best gatherer of sheaves he had ever had ... it's really a small world. I didn't even know that Jorge had family on the farm down there."
RYAN HOLDS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR LOMBARDI
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/20/2004 11:31:00 a.m.
SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Marrowbone Creek Black Dogs coach/GM Buddy Ryan led a candlelight vigil last night at The Farm in Summertown, Tenn. in memory of 12th Bakers coach Vince Lombardi, who died there Monday in a tragic accident.
The vigil, which was held on the very spot where Lombardi died for a second time, was marked by heartfelt euologies delivered by Ryan, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and several Black Dogs players, including QB Jake Plummer, RBs Emmitt Smith and Clinton Portis, and WR Roy Williams, who attended the service with the commissioner's daughters, Mo and Cash Money.
In a rare display of sentimentality, Ryan called Lombardi "an inspiration," as he fought back tears.
"Vince Lombardi was an [expletive] inspiration to me in life and in death, then in zombified life and now again in death," the Black Dogs coach said.
Commissioner Money praised Lombardi in his remarks. "It was a blessing, no matter how brief, when Vince returned to coaching in the NFFA," Money said. "He told me last weekend before the Bakers game with the Cambridge Animals that even though things had not gone as well as he had hoped with the team, he had no regrets that G.Q. Denney had dug him up and turned him into a zombie. He loved coaching football that much."
With Mo and Cash Money silently weeping by his side, Williams said, "Even though he died the first time before I was even born, I learned a lot about Coach Lombardi from watching countless hours of ESPN Classic. He taught me one of football's most important lessons: Run to daylight or else get your bell rung."
The vigil, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning, ended with Ryan and the others holding hands and singing the old Negro spiritual, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."
No word out of Bakers' headquarters as to who might be a possible replacement.
Final Note: Somehow four years later, Lombardi was reanimated especially for a Roman chariot race in the newly opened Nashville Hippodrome during the Bacchanal to the Future only to be rekilled when his chariot overturned in the fourth lap, after being sideswiped by Mojo D. Next week, we will trace the early history of the annual Bacchanal event which returns in three weeks.
"This is the biggest move we've busted since the release of the Linardo Papers," said an ecstatic Denney. "Even in death Vince represents everything the Bakers stand for ... alcoholism aside. Actually, I don't know if you can be an alcoholic when you're dead.'
Rumors had circulated for weeks, energized by sightings of Bakers' officials in Lombardi's cemetery with shovels and flashlights. It has been reported that the injured Charles Garner was used to replace the body, but that story has not been substantiated.
When pressed, the owner replied: "The Bakers would never bury a former player alive ... we just don't operate like that. Our team policy has always drawn the line at unlicensed medical experimentation ... we would never go beyond that."
Lombardi has yet to appear at a press conference, but has reportedly spoken through his agent, Larry Tate. The two were seen together at last night's gay rights benefit, The Greco-Roman Ball, held at the home of Boyd X. Biggs.
DENNEY CLEARED OF CHARGES BY LEAGUE OFFICE
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/2/2004 12:29:00 p.m.
The AWP has learned that 12th Avenue owner G.Q. Denney has been cleared of charges of misconduct on draft night.
Speaking only on condition of anonymity, a source within the commissioner's office confirmed the investigation of Denney has been dropped.
"Bottom line is this," the source said. "Commisioner Money doesn't want to mess with the Bakers now that they have a zombie as their coach.
"Vince Zombardi was scary when he was alive," the source continued. "Now that he's dead, he's downright frightening."
The source went on to say that the Hell's Angels will be providing additional security at all Bakers games for the rest of the season. "You just never know when a zombie will up and try to kill someone."
Lombardi dead after all these years
DEAD COACH CLAIMS DEATH BEHIND LOSS
By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/12/2004 6:33:00 p.m.
Seems a couple of coaching moves by new Bakers head coach Vince Lombardi cost him a victory in his return to the sideline — or lack of moves. With his starting QB on a bye week and one of his WRs on the same, Lombardi had little hope.
"Yeah we looked bad this weekend," he sighed. "But did you see what our bench did to his bench. We kicked some major rump. Our bench even destroyed our starting lineup. It gives us something to strive for.'"
As for the rumor that owner G.Q. Denney laid money out against the Bakers, in collusion with Boyd X. Biggs, Lombardi became enraged. "If that's true I'll show him the business end of a dead man's wrath. I wasn't exhumed to become embroiled in a gambling and sex-change scandal ... uh, did I say sex change ... this interview is over. ..."
DEAD LOMBARDI KILLED IN BIZARRE FARM ACCIDENT
By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/19/2004 12:04:00 p.m.
SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Vince Lombardi was found dead again Monday morning, the apparent victim of a tractor rollover. Depressed over the worst start in Bakers' history, Lombardi had sought solitude at The Farm, made famous in past decades by Stephen Gaskin.
"I spoke last with Vince Sunday night," said an obviously distraught owner G.Q. Denney. "He said Stephen could use some help bringing in the sheaves ... and he thought it would take his mind off the team's current woes. Our team is devastated by this and our doctors say there are no salvageable parts of him that could be used to create another coach."
Beelzebubbas' enforcer Jorge Linardo was seen entering the Lombardi home late Monday with a covered dish.
"There is a soft side to Jorge," Denney said. "Vince love El Jefe. They say the undead bond with the first person they see when restored to life ... he loved him so much you might have thought it was Linardo on the end of the switch."
The tractor apparently flipped on Lombardi as he attempted to cross a ditch and retrieve a wagon loaded with freshly harvested 'sheaves. One of Linardo's two sons, Manuel "Short Eyes" Linardo, was the first to find the body. The wagon in question had been removed by the time authorities had arrived.
"We're going to miss him," said a tearful Denney. "He had the unmistakable odor of winning about him. I felt it wouldn't be long before the whole squad had the same odor. Now I find out from Gaskin one of the best gatherer of sheaves he had ever had ... it's really a small world. I didn't even know that Jorge had family on the farm down there."
RYAN HOLDS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR LOMBARDI
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/20/2004 11:31:00 a.m.
SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Marrowbone Creek Black Dogs coach/GM Buddy Ryan led a candlelight vigil last night at The Farm in Summertown, Tenn. in memory of 12th Bakers coach Vince Lombardi, who died there Monday in a tragic accident.
The vigil, which was held on the very spot where Lombardi died for a second time, was marked by heartfelt euologies delivered by Ryan, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and several Black Dogs players, including QB Jake Plummer, RBs Emmitt Smith and Clinton Portis, and WR Roy Williams, who attended the service with the commissioner's daughters, Mo and Cash Money.
In a rare display of sentimentality, Ryan called Lombardi "an inspiration," as he fought back tears.
"Vince Lombardi was an [expletive] inspiration to me in life and in death, then in zombified life and now again in death," the Black Dogs coach said.
Commissioner Money praised Lombardi in his remarks. "It was a blessing, no matter how brief, when Vince returned to coaching in the NFFA," Money said. "He told me last weekend before the Bakers game with the Cambridge Animals that even though things had not gone as well as he had hoped with the team, he had no regrets that G.Q. Denney had dug him up and turned him into a zombie. He loved coaching football that much."
With Mo and Cash Money silently weeping by his side, Williams said, "Even though he died the first time before I was even born, I learned a lot about Coach Lombardi from watching countless hours of ESPN Classic. He taught me one of football's most important lessons: Run to daylight or else get your bell rung."
The vigil, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning, ended with Ryan and the others holding hands and singing the old Negro spiritual, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."
No word out of Bakers' headquarters as to who might be a possible replacement.
Final Note: Somehow four years later, Lombardi was reanimated especially for a Roman chariot race in the newly opened Nashville Hippodrome during the Bacchanal to the Future only to be rekilled when his chariot overturned in the fourth lap, after being sideswiped by Mojo D. Next week, we will trace the early history of the annual Bacchanal event which returns in three weeks.
