 |
| In an emotional speech that brought tears to the eyes of some players, new RB coach O.J. Simpson thanked the Bubbas giving him the game ball following the team's first win of the 2017 season. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In his press briefing on Tuesday, Saddam Hussein made an announcement within an announcement: The Beelzebubbas had dedicated the game ball from their first victory of the season to running backs coach O.J. Simpson.
Based on the startled reactions from reporters, several of whom inadvertently did spit-takes with their complementary margaritas, no one in the media had been aware that Simpson had joined the team’s staff.
Peppered by a barrage of questions, Hussein explained that the team had worked out an arrangement with officials in Florida, who had sought to prevent Simpson from taking up residence in their state, whereby “The Juice” would live at Club Gitmo and be employed by the Bubbas.
“He’s a great mentor to our stable of young running backs,” said Saddam, who noted that it was no coincidence that LeVeon Bell and Ezekiel Elliott turned in their best performances this year in the first game that Simpson was on the sidelines. “Everybody wanted him to have the game ball.
“He’s just a great teacher,” Hussein said. “Our backs are already a lot better at slashing and cutting just from listening to him.
“Besides that, the guy is fun to be around. I used to watch him on TV back in Iraq. I never dreamed he’d be a colleague. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think that [Commissioner Jim] McMahon and I are sitting next to O.J. Simpson sipping Glenlivet at the McMahonistan Bar. This is why I love America!”
Hussein said that team owner Mos Ded had been intrigued by an offer from Simpson to show his gratitude for hiring him. After the season ends, Saddam explained, O.J. promised to work to find the real killer of Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo, the murdered son of NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo. “Our team is getting a huge public figure and a private dick,” Hussein said. “We call that ‘win-win.’”
Hussein promised reporters a special treat at next Tuesday’s briefing. They would be able to sample a new concoction that Master Mixologist Devlin Redd was developing in Simpson’s honor. Though he declined to disclose the ingredients, Hussein said the new beverage had a name: The Juice.
“It is killer,” he said with a smile. Then he yelled “¡Adios, borachos! And out he went.
