DTA CELEBRATES TITLE REPEAT Congratulates also-rans for trying hard

Dave the Animal speaking at NFFA Media Days.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN News

Starting Day Two of NFFA Media Days with a jolt, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal announced that a celebration was underway on what he called “Animal Planet” after his team repeated as champions in 2021. “I should have given you a spoiler alert,” he told reporters, “but the season we’re about to begin was too exciting to keep the results to ourselves.

“No team in the history of this league has done what we’ve just done, but we already knew the result because I learned of it on my journey here from the future. To all the haters and doubters still out there, I would say, ‘Since you’re all going to die sooner or later, why waste precious time hating and doubting? Why not just surrender to the Animals’ awesome awesomeness and enjoy the ride?’”

When reporter Woody Larry asked why the NFFA should bother holding a season if the Animals had already won, DTA quickly replied: “Before I go any further, let me congratulate my fellow owners — aka ‘the losers’ — on another hard-fought campaign. By golly they tried. I know it may seem anticlimactic to reveal the result now, but could anyone truthfully say they were surprised? Also, I think it will be important for them to go through each week of the season, even knowing in advance how it ends, because losing can be a great teacher, and why should they be deprived of such a learning experience on their way toward ultimate acceptance?”

With that, DTA devoted the rest of his session to what he called “the breakthrough of our age,” announcing that Methlon was seeking FDA approval for a new Covid vaccine that would provide lifetime protection against the virus. According to DTA, the development of the vaccine came about through face-to-face negotiations with Covid-19 over a period of months. “As you may recall,” he said, “when I was on President Trump’s Covid task force I recommended that we talk to the virus to find out what it wanted. Though some scoffers scoffed, I continued those talks after I left the administration. 

“As it turns out, Covid likes meth. And, as it also turns out, who is better positioned to meet Covid’s demands than Methlon, Inc.? So our entire science team has been focused on creating this new meth-based vaccine, which contains just enough time-released methamphetamine to keep Covid satisfied but not enough to make any recipients’ teeth fall out or cause any side effects other than addiction to a life-saving medication.”

As DTA subsequently explained, the vaccine’s other major breakthrough is that the initial dose, injected intravenously, contains a microchip that allows Methlon to track the recipient’s location. That capability is crucial, he said, so that the company can reliably deliver its hybrid formula, which will be marketed under the trade name Crystal Blue Persuasion (CBP), to the population. One of the compelling features of the drug, he added, is that the meth delivery platform will dramatically increase adoption among rural populations that so far have resisted receiving other vaccines.

“There’s an awful lot of misinformation out there,” DTA said. “Fauci has been telling people that nobody is going to put microchips in them — that nobody could do it even if they tried — and that’s just not true. Based on our clinical trials, we think the market isn’t going to be hard to ‘persuade,’ especially once they find out that CBP is covered by their insurance.”

After DTA’s appearance, two unscheduled guests strode to the podium — the Curse of the Champion, accompanied by a haggard-looking Curse of Brady. “Last year was a tough one for curses, and for me personally,” Curse of Brady began. “Covid hit me, and I was on a ventilator for weeks, but I don’t offer that as an excuse. The Animals shouldn’t have been able to win a title with Tom Brady, and I feel like I let everyone down. That’s why this year I’m adding a side-curse to my workload against the owner who brought Covid over here: Mojo D.”

Before reporters could ask any questions, Curse of the Champion took over the microphone. “I didn’t let anybody down last year,” he said, “and I’m gettin’ it done in 2021. Let’s get that straight. It may be true that DTA has seen the future, but what he forgot to mention is that he was hallucinating on peyote when he saw it. In 20 years, I’m still undefeated. The one and only. I told him in the hall just now that if he wants to change that, he will have to offer his son Zuma to me as a sacrifice.

“He said, ‘Would you take Wilder instead?’” and I said, ‘The curse don’t negotiate.’ So he said he’d think about it, but for now the road to the championship still runs through me. I’m out.”

And with that, the Curses left.

Scheduled for Day Three: Village Green and the Displaced Ballers.

ELON MUSK JOINS DADDIES OWNERSHIP Team moving from Atlanta to Texas

An architectural rendering of the Desert Flower, the new stadium and space complex in Boca Chica, Texas, where the Daddies will play this season.

By Woody Larry 
FSN Sports 

There is shocking news on the first morning of NFFA media days. In a Zoom call from a sparse team headquarters in Buckhead, Georgia, SmackDaddies Community Outreach Director Alge Crumpler, resplendent in a black and red velour warm-up suit with gold piping, announced that Lex Dominica had sold 49.999999% of the team stock to entrepreneur and billionaire business magnate Elon Musk. 

“After the bullshit that went down in last year’s playoffs, Mr. Dominica has decided to get real,” Crumpler said. “He (Dominica) knows the league title was his for the taking last year, but something sketchy happened on the way to his 5^th league title. And if there’s anyone who knows sketchy, it’s Lex.”

Sitting next to Crumpler, Atlanta attorney Lin Wood grabbed the microphone and announced that he has been hired by Dominica to represent the franchise in all legal matters. He said the theft of the league title is merely the tip of the iceberg.

“We are here to fight the evil that surrounds us all, Wood said. “We know that the scoring system was hacked, totals were changed, and the SmackDaddies actually won last year by thousands of points. But this is not just about one stolen championship. This about the tyranny. Everybody on this call is waiting for the day Lex Dominica steps out in front of the cameras and say to the masses 'We won,'" Wood told the crowd, before adding: "I'm a little different.

"You're waiting for that day, I'm waiting for this day: The day where Lex walks on stage in front of the masses and looks at you and says 'I am still the champion.' Because he didn't let go, Lex Dominica will never let go,” Wood loudly exclaimed. “The fraudsters – and they know who they are – are about to get bitten by an angry Gila monster.”

Wood then appeared to write out the letter "Q" with his finger while repeating the line "he’s still the champion."

An obviously annoyed Crumpler arm-barred Wood away from the microphone and turned on a monitor on the table to reveal new minority owner Elon Musk.

A bemused Musk, standing on what appeared to be a launch pad at his headquarters in Boca Chica, Texas, said he welcomed the challenge on taking on the next frontier, the NFFA.

“Any billionaire these days can go to space,” Musk said. “But to be one of the owners in the greatest fantasy sports league of all time, well, I can honestly say that’s my dream come true. Let Bezos go to Mars for all I care. Lex Dominica and I will be conquering the final frontier that really matters — the NFFA.

“I welcome the opportunity to officially join forces with Lex,” Musk added. “He’s a winner. Like myself, Lex Dominica is worried about the future of the NFFA. It’s very important for all life on Earth. This supersedes political parties, race, creed, religion, it doesn’t matter. If we do not solve this conspiracy, we’re all damned!” Musk said.

Musk announced that Dominica had agreed to move all operations, except medical research that will remain in Sochi, Russia, to Boca Chica. He said his headquarters had its own solar-powered energy grid and didn’t have to rely on, as he put it, “the single-wattage brain-power of Rick Perry or that of, as Musk put it,  that two-wheeled semiconductor also known as Greg Abbott.

“One other thing: With the full resources of SpaceX available to this franchise, we are serving notice that Italian military satellites, Jewish space lasers and whatever else may be out there had better watch out. Our team has an ally in the heavens that will protect the integrity of this great league.”

And in an announcement that cemented his view of a new frontier, Musk made this earth-shattering announcement.

“Our franchise will no longer be known as the Atlanta SmackDaddies. From this day forward, we will be known as our binary name: 

01010011|01100011|011000011|01101011|01000100|01100001|01100100|01100100|01101001|01100101|01110011|00001101. 

"Or as people around here call us, the Boca Chica Daddies."

Musk also said Dominica had been the one to embrace this change. He then turned and had the camera span to an easel to revel the new logo of the storied franchise:

Musk then announced he and his creative technology team had created the world’s largest fleet of 3-d printers, and as its most sophisticated project to date, had been constructing the new home for the franchise. He said all indications were that the new stadium and space complex would be completed by opening day. He then showed a rendering how the space/sports complex will look when completed.

According to Musk, architecture firm Soprano Design Group was demanded by Dominica and responsible for the Musk Desert Flower, a floral-inspired complex that will serve as the world’s first multifunctional sports/space center. The center will feature a variety of sporting facilities and host a 14.000 seat stadium. To minimize the building's environmental impact, the architects topped the structures with 430,000 square feet of solar panels.

 And, according to Musk, the 3-D printers have used what the Soprano spokesman said was “their own” recyclable materials in the construction process.

When asked if they had sold naming rights to the stadium, the visual  returned back to Crumpler at the deserted SmackDaddies complex, where he had a highly agitated Wood in a secure headlock.

“Naming rights?” Crumpler huffed. “We don’t need some hokey name,” said Crumpler . “We got all the money we need. Our new stadium will simply be known as “Come and get you some, Bitches.”

And with that, the screen went dark.

BUENA VISTA NEIGHBORS DEMAND BALLERS' NAME CHANGE Cite "unsavory elements" attracted by team

Ballers GM/Coach Mojo D explains the team's latest name change is a result of pressure from neighborhood activists in North Nashvegas.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

What a difference a year makes - Mojo D escaped to the North Nashvegas neighborhood of Buena Vista in February 2020, and helped the neighbors re-build after a March tornado. But over the weekend, an angry  coalition of neighborhood groups descended on the Ballers' Monroe Street HQ, demanding the team drop "Buena Vista" from its official NFFA name.

"Ever since they showed up, the neighborhood's gone down the sh*tter," resident Darius X, president of Buena Vista United, said flatly. "We were already being run over with the 'tall & skinnies,' and now we have an uncontrolled hipster infestation and Chinese real-estate speculators lurking around everywhere, taking pictures. This wasn't happening before the tornado and Covid, so it's the Ballers' influence - they have welcomed unsavory elements here, and we have had enough of this colonialism. We demand you take our name out yo' damn mouth, Mojo D!"

After meeting with the coalition's leaders, a chastened Mojo D responded "this hurts - I love and respect Buena Vista and the proud people who live here. I was hopeful our economic and community development projects would lift up everyone, but clearly, the unintended consequences outweigh what seemed like progress a few months ago. So, effective immediately, the team will be called simply the 'Ballers'. We intend to play at John Lewis Stadium and keep our HQ here, but we will honor the wishes of the neighborhood as far as naming."

Questioned about the NFFA policy on changing names - a team must alert the league office by June of a name change - Mojo D smirked and said "Money can just f*cking fine me. Crypto is booming, and he's got more pressing sh*t to deal with, like pushing his cockamamie 15-game regular season."

The team has a long history of "re-branding:" starting from the Midtown Mojo to the Corsairs and now to the Ballers - and each of those had at least one location change during its "brand era." Unlike most of those name changes, this one appears to have at least some rationale behind it. 

More information to come on this developing story.