MIDTERM REPORT CARD Parity hits the NFFA

Atlanta Smack Daddies RB David Johnson is the first-half offensive MVP.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

This may be the easiest AWP midterm report card ever. That could be because it’s the closest race ever for the Dead Lombardi trophy at the halfway point. Only two games separate all eight teams.

There is one team with five wins, two teams with four wins, and five teams with three teams — and the three-win teams are all tied (in terms of their record) for the final playoff berth. As far as the grades are concerned, that’s as easy as A-B-C. Well, not quite. Here are the 2016 midterm grades and superlatives:

A- East Nashville Black Dogs (5-2): The Black Dogs have the best record, but have been far from dominant. They’re only fifth in points scored, but have been helped by having the third-fewest points scored against them. Still, this is a team that lost it’s coach and GM in the offseason, and were poised for a big fall, in the opinion of media observers and league insiders. While they may not be running through a “muthafucka’s face,” new GM/coach Marshawn Lynch has the team poised to win their eleventh Jorge division title in thirteen seasons.

B+ Downtown Corsairs (4-3): After starting 0-2, the Corsairs fired their head coach (Megatron) and have won four out of five since naming rock star Jack White as their new coach. White clearly has a lot of time on his hands since announcing he was taking a break from touring. Under White’s direction, they have surged to the top of the Linardo division behind an offense that has scored the second-most points.

B- Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (4-3): With four wins, the Sea Hogs have already surpassed their win total for each of the last two seasons, when they won only three games, so it looks like the insanity may be back. Although they’ve scored the second-fewest points, they also have had the fewest points scored against them, and roll into the second half of the season on a two-game winning streak. Only time will tell if the insanity has truly returned.

C+ Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4): Lex Dominica’s Smack Daddies team has scored the most points, but also has had the second-most scored against them — which seems to be their situation every year. At least one longtime NFFA insider claims it’s because of the curse of the Dominicas. Even so, if the playoffs started today, the Daddies would claim the second wild-card berth.

C West Nashville Beelzebubbas (3-4): Speaking of curses, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal claimed prior to the season to have put the “mother of all curses” on the Beelzebubbas. After a 3-2 start, franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger went down in week six during their game against the Bakers, a game they lost by a tenth of a point. Then they had go with backup QB Derek Carr in their pivotal matchup last weekend with the Black Dogs, and the result was the Bubbas hit the turn on a two-game losing skid and not knowing exactly when Roethlisberger will return. Word on the street is the Bubbas are working on the “grandmother of all curses” for the Animals, bringing in practitioners of Santeria, the Afro-Caribbean religion that involves animal sacrifice.

C London Bakers (3-4): The Bakers are another of the league’s accursed teams, the victim of "the curse of Tom Brady" put on them by DTA at the beginning of last season, just the latest in a long line of curses DTA has directed at the Bakers. But so far in 2016, it was the curse of not having Brady that was the primary cause of their 1-3 start; that and having more points scored against them than any other team. Since Brady returned from his four-game suspension, the Bakes have won two out of the last three, to the delight of their new UK fanbase, particularly new Baker superfan Adele.

C Cambridge Animals (3-4): As reigning champions, the Animals, of course, are enduring a curse of their own: the curse of the champion. In the fourteen-year history of the league, not only has no reigning champion ever repeated, no reigning champion has ever made it back to the title game. Since DTA is the king of casting curses, there is a certain justice to him having to endure a curse of his own. Last season, Animals GM Wilder the Animal looked like a genius in leading the franchise to its second title game and first ring. This season, not so much. Maybe its the curse; or maybe, as one owner suggested, WTA “got a little too big for his britches.” Or maybe it’s because he’s making all his moves at school while he’s in freshman English class. Whatever, WTA has been on the wrong-way rollercoaster with the team’s two franchise QBs — Drew Brees and Philip Rivers — prompting DTA to demand that Brees be the permanent starter, according to a source close to the team. Despite the familial friction, WTA has guided the team to a two-game winning streak to avert a disaster.

C The Village Green (3-4): After a 3-1 start, the Green slid into the halfway mark on a three-game losing jag, the result of “rigged” games according to team owner Donald Trump, who went on a Twitter rampage after losing to the Corsairs. “Mojo D is a total loser,” he tweeted. The Donald already is tweeting about the rematch with his hated rivals, vowing on social media to “grab the Corsairs by the pussy.” The Green started 3-1 with Carson Palmer under center, but after Palmer missed week five with an injury, Coach Stuart Smalley has gone with Dak Prescott and Tyrod Taylor at QB, and the result has been three-straight losses to finish the first half of the season. Some league insiders think Trump ordered Smalley to bench Palmer after learning the California native is a registered Democrat. Others say if Trump weren’t distracted by his presidential campaign, Smalley would have lost his job already. That may change after November 8. 

Superlatives

First-Half Offensive MVP: David Johnson, RB, Atlanta Smack Daddies: Johnson is on pace to score more than 290 points and could break 300 points, something no player other than quarterbacks has accomplished.

First-Half Defensive MVP: Landon Collins, S, Downtown Corsairs: Collins is on pace to score more than 170 points, with an outside shot at 200.

BUBBAS TO LEAGUE: 'ASK DAD' Team denies collusion in Cam injury

Bubbas' VP Chuck Barris outside Wendell Smith's restaurant Wednesday morning.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Responding to allegations made yesterday by the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas denied they were involved in any “improper collusion” surrounding the injury of the Daddies’ QB Cam Newton in last weekend’s game.

“Collusion is no stranger to this league,” said Bubbas’ VP Chuck Barris in the opening statement of a rambling press conference Wednesday morning outside Wendell Smith’s restaurant on Charlotte Avenue. “In fact, you might say this league runs on collusion. If hate is the fuel for the engine, collusion is in the NFFA’s oil tank. 

“So we take it as a tribute to our fidelity to this league’s founding principles to be accused of collusion. I wish we could say we deserved it in this case, but we just cannot honestly claim it here.”

According to Barris, communication did occur between the parties. Newton’s father, Reverend Cecil Newton, arrived at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo offices last week and asked for a meeting with team chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo. “It was very spiritual,” Barris said. “He said he had been praying all week, and that is what led him to us. He invited us all to his church on Sunday, and he said he believed we would receive a very special blessing if we made a contribution of $100,000 or more to his ministry, You can ask Dad.”

Barris confirmed that a delegation from the team, led by Dr. Linardo, was on the front pew for Sunday morning worship services at the elder Newton’s church. He also confirmed that he placed a sealed envelope in the collection plate but refused to describe its contents.

Later that afternoon, Cam Newton left the game, under the league’s concussion protocols, after he inexplicably stopped running as he was about to cross the goal line for a touchdown and allowed himself to take a blow from an opposing defensive back. Newton appeared to look toward the right corner of the end zone just before he reached the goal. Grainy video footage showed someone who resembles Barris standing next to the wall beyond that corner of the end zone, but no positive identification has been possible so far.

Yesterday, the Smack Daddies filed a formal complaint alleging collusion with NFFA Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano, the daughter of the Daddies’ late president and GM, Tony Soprano.

“We were invited to church, and we went,” Barris said. “As Americans, we exercised our God-given freedom of religion. I can’t believe I’m having to defend that. Even the Cambridge Animals believe in freedom of religion.

“And this whole incident raises some fundamental questions about who we are. As I already stated, we were not involved in any collusion to our knowledge. But what if we were? The Daddies’ accusation treats collusion as if it were a bad thing. It makes you wonder what this league is coming to.

“I can’t believe my friend Lex Dominica would make this charge. I bet if you ask him tomorrow, he’ll say he was just yanking your media chains to amuse himself. This is obviously a simple misunderstanding.”

SMACK DADDIES CALL FOR INVESTIGATION

Smack Daddies QB Cam Newton sporting his fashion-forward Harry Potter look.

By Burman Fisher
FSN Sports

ATLANTA—Roger Ailes, the newly appointed Grand Master of Communications for the Atlanta Smack Daddies, has raised what he termed “a blatant and ill-conceived attempt” by the NFFA, Rupert Murdoch and  the West Nashville Beelezbubbas to fix the outcome of this week’s showdown.

“It’s just evil” Ailes snorted. “Even Dick Cheney told me this was over the top.”

According to Ailes, Smack Daddies’ stud quarterback Cam Newton was escorted off the field early in the 4th quarter by game officials after passing for a touchdown and running for a two-point conversion in the Panthers stunning 48-33 loss to the Atlanta Falcons. It was announced to the pressbox that Newton was being entered into the league’s concussion protocol.

 “The simple fact that Newton was allegedly entered into the NFL’s concussion protocol is a farce,” the rotund, right-wing media savant said to the gathered crowd in the Smack Daddies locker room after the game.

“It’s simple. There’s nothing there to concuss.” he said. “Anybody with half a brain would know that. It’s been clearly documented. All you have to do is talk to his teachers at Blinn Junior College or watch his time at John Gruden’s quarterback school,’ he added. “There’s nobody home.” 

Cam Newton at Gruden QB School

When asked how Newton was able to stay eligible and lead Auburn to a mythical national championship and the Carolina Panthers to the Super Bowl, Ailes said anything was possible. He asserted that people very rarely want to peek behind the curtain. 

“Just look at Donald Trump. I’ve only been assisting this orangutan on his campaign for less than a month and he’s moved within single digits of that cow, Hillary Clinton,” Ailes said. “Only half-wits and those swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool haven’t figured out that Trump is using this election to hold the Clintons hostage in broad daylight. There’s a big payoff coming,” he said. 

When asked if he thought the Smack Daddies quarterback had suffered any injury during the game, Ailes merely rolled his eyes and offered his opinion.

“The only thing Cam’s injured is the nation’s fashion sense. Have you seen any of his outfits for his postgame press conferences?” Ailes sighed. “Hell, one time he came out dressed like a black Harry Potter, and another time he looked like Professor Hill in The Music Man. When he came out with a fake foxtail attached to his pants, I thought Ron (Rivera) was gonna shit,” Ailes said. 

“This is one jacked up league.”

UPDATE:

FSN Sports has learned the Smack Daddies have filed a formal complaint with deputy commissioner Meadow Soprano.