Saturday, October 27, 2007

MCMAHON ARRESTED IN ALAMO

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon leaving Alamo
police headquarters at 4:30 a.m. this morning.


MCMAHON ARRESTED IN ALAMO

Coach booked on weapons charge after insulting Scouts fans

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Apparently, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon forgot he wasn't at the Cherry Bomb Café when he flashed a handgun last night at Fat Bubba Dog's Gentlemen's Club, one of the most popular nightspots in Alamo. Failed memory or not, McMahon was booked on a weapons charge and spent several hours early this morning in a holding cell at Alamo police headquarters before being bailed out by Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan.

According to Dewayne Van Zandt, head bartender at Fat Bubba Dog's, McMahon and his party, which included two assistant coaches and three Black Dogs cheerleaders, arrived at the club at approximately 10 p.m. Almost immediately, McMahon caused a ruckus when he was informed that they did not serve Touchdown Tasers™ at Fat Bubba Dog's, but things calmed down when Van Zandt sent over a round of Grey Goose gimlets on the house.

Around 11 o'clock, McMahon left his table, went to the bar and started talking to some Scouts fans. Everything was friendly for awhile, as McMahon entertained the fans with some of his witticisms. He asked them if they had seen the story about "Nostra-dumbass" predicting a victory for Fidalgo Island against West Nashville this weekend in the "16th [expletive] century?" That got a laugh with some saying they had seen the story and a fan named Shorty asking, "[Triki] Bobber's criminally insane right?" McMahon grinned and nodded yes. Then the Black Dogs coach asked them what they thought of "Hojo D's recent rant?" The same Scouts fan said, "He seems insane, too." McMahon nodded in agreement and said, "No, [expletive]."

It was about that time, according to Van Zandt, that the situation turned ugly. McMahon asked the fans if they knew that Thurman Murrman and the Scouts are the Dogs' "McBitch?" Shorty, who is a 6'4", 240-pound construction worker, told the coach he "oughtta shut his mother-[expletive] McMouth."

McMahon laughed and said, "That's a good one, genius" then reached in the pocket of his jacket and produced a 44-Magnum. Shorty and the other fans quickly retreated from the bar as the coach slowly backed away, returned to his table and continued drinking Grey Goose gimlets as if nothing had happened.

Shortly before midnight, three uniformed Alamo police officers arrived at the club and approached the bar. After a few words were exchanged with Van Zandt, he pointed to McMahon and his party at the corner table. The officers then approached McMahon and — according to Black Dogs cheerleader Bambi — asked the coach for his handgun, which he calmly gave them. Then they cuffed McMahon and escorted him out of the club.

As he was being led away, McMahon turned and yelled in the direction of Shorty and his friends, "Yo, Einstein, we own your asses. 9 and 0 —that will be our all-time record against you bitches after this weekend."

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS SEA HOGS VICTORY!!!

Quatrain 220: In the eighth week of the sixth season, the Hogs of the Sea shall rout the Brothers of the Devil and send them scurrying back to the fiery depths from whence they come.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS SEA HOGS VICTORY!!!


By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Scholars at La Sorbonne (the University of Paris in Paris, France) have recently discovered a new book of quatrains believed to be authored by Michel De Nostradame, commonly known as Nostradamus, the 16th century seer known for his prophecies of major world events. Entitled "Le Prophecies de Sporte" (roughly translated, "Sports Predictions") the new book contains numerous 4-line poems thought to predict the outcome of future sporting events.

Nostradamus scholars and devotees from around the world, as well as bookmakers from Nashvegas, have descended on Paris in hopes of putting their own spin on the translations. The Chancellor of La Sorbonne, Pierre LePieu, expressed frustration with the clamoring throng, "These arrivistes are so annoying, especially those gamblers. They smell like merde."

One of the first quatrains to be translated is the cryptic Quatrain 220, which, according to the acedemics at La Sorbonne, reads:

"In the eighth week of the sixth season,
the Hogs of the Sea shall rout the Brothers of the Devil
and send them scurrying back
to the fiery depths from whence they come."

Nashvegas bookmakers believe Quatrain 220 refers to the upcoming NFFA Week 8 game between the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. According to the odds-makers, Nostradamus has predicted that the Sea Hogs will defeat the Beelzebubbas in a rout. When news of the quatrain broke, the betting line for the game quickly moved 15 points.

Asked about the effect of the Nostradamus prediction on the players, Sea Hogs team captain Elvis Dumervil (DL) said, "It means a lot to us, and especially me. I've always been a Nostradamus fan. Nostradamus has always been important to football. After all, they named Notre Dame after him, didn't they?"