Breaking news DOGS DEAL RIVERS TO HOGS

So long to the East Nasty — the Black Dogs traded beleaguered
quarterback Philip Rivers to the Sea Hogs this afternoon.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY—After pulling off one of the biggest trades in NFFA history earlier today, East Nashville Black Dogs GM Buddy has made another big deal on the final day of trading, sending quarterback Philip Rivers to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs for kicker David Akers and defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul.

In a press release announcing the trade, Ryan said, "Rivers just didn't want to be a Black Dog. I personally think all those years playing for the [West Nashville] Beelzebubbas poisoned his mind against us. Hopefully, he likes to eat Swinofish."

Rivers became expendable after Ryan traded for 12th Avenue Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford early this morning.

BAKERS GET MORE 'NATTY DREAD' Sharif pulls trigger on blockbuster deal

(L to R) Larry Fitzgerald, Matthew Stafford and Steven Jackson were involved
earlier today in one of the biggest trades in the history of the NFFA.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

BAKERVILLE—In a move just hours before the NFFA trade deadline, the 12th Avenue Bakers and the East Nashville Black Dogs have made a trade that ranks as one of the most — if not the most — high-profile swap of players in the 10-year history of the league.

Early this morning, the league approved the trade which sends Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford to the Black Dogs in exchange for wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and running back Steven Jackson, who was a member of the Bakers from 2008-2010.

According to 12th Avenue PR maven Faith Popcorn, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif huddled with Coach Snoop Dogg at the Cherry Bomb Cafe late into the night, as the two team honchos had what Popcorn described as an "intense discussion" about the merits of the trade offered by East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan.

Reached for comment this morning prior to the team's practice, Coach Dogg said, "I knew if we didn't get more natty dread, we were [expletive]," an apparent reference to the fact that Fitzgerald and Jackson are two of the most prominent NFL players sporting dreadlocks.

The AWP caught up with Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at the team's practice facility and he was grinning from ear to ear. "Do I need to say that the Dogs have a new starting quarterback?" he asked with a hearty laugh. "But seriously, I want to welcome Matthew to the team and ask that he please put fitty on the [Cambridge] Animals this weekend."

The trade appears to benefit both teams. Jackson is averaging 11.5 points per game, which is better than all the Bakers running backs except Michael Turner. Fitzgerald is scoring 10.9 points per game, which is more than any of the Bakers wide receivers except Devin Hester. For East Nashville, Stafford (39 points per game), brings stability to a position that has cost the Black Dogs two or three wins because of poor play.

CORSAIRS CLINCH PLAYOFFS In sole possession of lead in Linardo

GM Mojo D and Cee-Lo Green look on as Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham
team up to put an 80-burger on the suddenly hapless Sea Hogs.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

In a season where everything has fallen into place for the Corsairs, the pieces came together in Week 12 for what Coach Cee-Lo Green called “the perfecta of goodness.” The team’s 161-105.5 victory over their Linardo nemesis, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, moved them to 9-3 and ensured the team’s first post-season visit since 2007, and gave them sole possession of first place atop the division on the heroic performance of the Drew Brees-Jimmy Graham battery. A jubilant GM Mojo D held forth with Cee-Lo for select media in a victory celebration at the uber-exclusive Sky Casino atop the NFFA Corsair.

Mojo D could barely contain his joy: “I don’t remember a week where every single NFFA game turned out the way I wanted. I’m so glad for my brother QCurl to have broken DTA’s curse, and for the Animals to beat the Bubbas: DTA knows why I know that is particularly special for him. Lex’s boys coming through to spank Goody’s candy ass was a huge boost for us; and of course to make the Sea Hogs our bitch this year is just the Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on the Corsair Triple Smoke Whiskey Sundae*, available at all the bars on the ship.”

One reporter asked Cee-Lo about the Corsairs’ poor statistical performance – 6th in scoring (by virtue of a scant 1-point differential with the new 7th place scorer Beelzebubbas), 7th in coaching efficiency, and over 50 points on the bench in week 12. DJ Shikoku Tikaka scratched a beat and Cee-Lo stepped to the mic: “You know the statistic I look at? The W’s, bitch — and there’s 9 of them in there for the good guys!! This one’s for you” and the band launched into his multi-platinum hit “F*ck You.”

After a brief set, Mojo D picked up where Cee-Lo left off: “ The win is everything in the NFFA — it doesn’t matter how you get there. William D Money is one crazy muthaf*cker, but he got one thing right: score more points than your opponent. I would add to that: I’d rather be lucky than good any day.”

Around the Linardo, Week 13 looms large — Corsairs face the Village Green, who have been at or near the top of the division since week 5, and according to Mojo D: “on my back like a pesky kid brother — it’s the one team we have not beaten this season, and we look forward to adding that scalp to our belt.” The Sea Hogs hope to end their skid against the Smack Daddies, who could still win out and make the playoffs.

In the Jorge Division, it appears only the winner will advance to the playoffs, so the Animals and Bakers look to continue their spoiler role, as the whole league looks at the Week 14 Curse Bowl and the Black Dogs-Beelzebubbas tilt for all the Jorge marbles. Regarding the Curse, Cee-Lo said "this [curse] shit and Shiva really freaks me out — I don't like messing with deities, so I'm glad that's all going down in the Jorge, man."

*Corsair Triple Smoke Sundae:

1.5 oz. Corsair triple Smoke Whiskey

2 oz. Eggnog

1 splooge whipped cream

1 Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on top

Analysis WHO'S HOT AND WHO'S NOT NFFA postseason picture comes into focus

QCurl Sharif (shown at left with Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon) will face off with DTA (right) on the final weekend of the season in "The Curse Bowl."


By R.E. Porter
Associate Web Press

NASHVEGAS—Seven weeks ago, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas were 0-4 and their playoffs prospects looked dim, their chances for a Jorge division championship even dimmer. The Village Green were doing a little better than the Beelzebubbas with a 2-2 mark, but they already were two games behind the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and the Corsairs in the race for the Linardo division crown.

But since then, the 'Bubbas and The Green have been the two hottest teams in the NFFA, each winning six of their last seven games and now tied for the lead in their respective division. The 'Bubbas (6-5) are tied with the East Nashville Black Dogs (6-5), another hot team. The Black Dogs have won five games in that same stretch and currently hold the head-to-head tiebreaker over the 'Bubbas. The Green (8-3) are tied with the Corsairs (8-3), who have gone 3-3 since a 5-0 start. The Green hold the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Jorge division
As the league finishes the regular season with three weeks of intradivision play, the division races and the wild-card picture have come into focus. In the Jorge division, either the Black Dogs or Beelzebubbas will win the division, as the Cambridge Animals (3-8) and the 12th Avenue Bakers (1-9) have already been eliminated from not only the race for the division title, but also from the chase for one of the two wild-card playoff berths. The division winner likely will not be decided until the final weekend when the 'Bubbas visit the Dogs in the East Nasty.

Linardo division
In the Linardo division, the picture is a little fuzzier. Despite losing four of their last seven games, the Sea Hogs (7-4) trail The Green and the Corsairs by only one game. The Atlanta Smack Daddies (5-6), the defending NFFA champs, have been eliminated from the division race after losing five of the last seven, but still are mathematically in the hunt for a wild card berth. In the midst of all the furor over Dave the Animal's curse on the 12th Avenue Bakers, the "curse" of the champion has been overlooked — no NFFA champion has been able to repeat, and most have not even made the playoffs to defend their crown. But even if they don't make the playoffs, the Smack Daddies could spoil the postseason plans of one or more of their division rivals.

The Curse Bowl
Speaking of DTA's curse on the Bakers, the teams from Cambridge and 12th Avenue may not be headed to the playoffs, but it seems they're going "bowling." The Animals travel to play the Bakers on the final weekend of the regular season in what has been dubbed "The Curse Bowl."

Success of rookie owners
"Goody" Goodridge, owner of The Village Green, is poised to continue the success new owners have enjoyed in their first year in the NFFA. Every rookie owner has made the playoffs since the league split into two divisions in 2004.

Key upcoming head-to-head contests
Week 12: Sea Hogs @ Corsairs; The Green @ Smack Daddies.
Week 13: Corsairs @ The Green; Smack Daddies @ Sea Hogs.
Week 14: Beelzebubbas @ Black Dogs; Sea Hogs @ The Green; Smack Daddies @ Corsairs; The Curse Bowl — Animals @ Bakers.

A TROJAN MONKEY? Animals’ officials perplexed, troubled by mysterious gift of Senegal bushbaby

"George W. Bushbaby" (above), who arrived at Methlon yesterday wearing silver dog tags with "W" inscribed on them (inset), was at first viewed with suspicion, but has now been embraced by DTA.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Officials at Methlon Sports’ home offices in Cambridge were, by turns, alarmed and charmed early this morning by what apparently was a gift in tribute to owner Dave the Animal’s coaching genius.

Employees arrived this morning to find a larger-than-life, papier-maché figure of DTA in front of the gates of Methlon’s offices. Pinned to the figure was a card inscribed, “Congrats on being a cover boy and on your new Broadway musical, from a Fantasy NFFA Admirer.” The language was a reference to DTA’s recent appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated and on the opening of a new musical tribute to methamphetamines, entitled A Little Night Monkey, which was cowritten by DTA.

After hearing noises coming from inside the figure, employees called Cambridge police, who cleared people from the area surrounding the Methlon Building while a bomb squad investigated. The detected no explosive, but upon opening the papier-maché found inside a small, highly agitated monkey. The monkey, which calmed down quickly after receiving one of DTA’s new “Horse pills” (now in Phase 3 clinical trials), was identified by Methlon’s staff zoologist as a Senegal bushbaby, and was wearing sterling silver dog tags inscribed “W” and a gold bracelet inscribed “George.”

According to unnamed sources, the Animals’ team team kabbalist advised DTA to turn the animal over to the Boston Zoo, cautioning that involvement with monkeys had brought nothing but ill fortune to at least three other NFFA franchises and even suggesting that the sudden and mysterious gift might be part of a sinister effort by the 12th Avenue Bakers to “reverse the curse” that DTA had placed upon that team. However, the sources said, DTA had grown fond of the monkey, which he had dubbed “George W. Bushbaby,” and was already teaching it to count cards at casino games.

FSN will report further details of this story as they emerge.

CLUB GITMO NEAR BANKRUPTCY DTA's curse leads to ‘overwhelming’ losses at nightclub's sports book

Bettors with money on Nancy high five one another at Club Gitmo Sports Book Monday evening when it was apparent that the Bakers — and Shiva — would lose.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

“The Curse,” as it has become known, apparently has claimed another victim in the NFFA — this time, the sports book operation at West Nashville’s Club Gitmo and Casino.

Early Thursday, FSN learned legal representatives for Club Gitmo were drawing up papers for a potential filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. The papers, one source said, could be filed as early as Friday “if things don’t work out between El Jefé and (Treasury Secretary Timothy) Geithner.”

Apparently, this bizarre and startling turn of events was set in motion by the curse placed on the 12th Avenue Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal. Last week, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif announced that he had enlisted the aid of Shiva, who pronounced that the curse had been lifted, setting up a weekend showdown between DTA and the Destroyer of Worlds. Alone among U.S. sports books, Club Gitmo set up a betting line, installing Shiva as a 4½-point favorite over Nancy, DTA’s supercomputer and the alleged source of the Animals’ self-proclaimed “awesome awesomeness.”

“Dr. Linardo was so confident in Shiva that he instructed us to take everybody’s action,” said a former Club Gitmo employee, who resigned on Tuesday morning and wished to remain nameless. “Then it seemed like everybody was taking Nancy and the points. By Sunday morning, even el Jefé was putting a million dollars on Nancy just to make sure he was covered.”

When the Bakers fell to the Corsairs on Monday night, signaling that the curse had not been broken, payouts from the sports book quickly overtook the Club’s available cash and credit, threatening the organization with insolvency.

In response, sources said Linardo met Wednesday morning with Treasury Secretary Geithner, an occasional visitor to Club Gitmo (and rumored to have been a participant in one of the zombie hunts at the now infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald), to seek a federal bailout of Club Gitmo.

“It makes sense,” said Rock O’Kane, managing partner of Powder River Capital, a West Nashville investment fund manager. “Club Gitmo functions like a bank for the under-served West Nashville area, and if it goes under the whole regional economy could collapse. Like GM and Goldman, they are literally too big to fail, and I think for the Feds this is truly something they can’t refuse.”

FSN will have more details as they emerge.

Yesterday in the NFFA THE RELIFE AND REDEATH OF COACH VINCE LOMBARDI

The portrait of Vince Lombardi that hangs in QCurl Sharif's
penthouse apartment above The Cherry Bomb Cafe.

Editor's note: The following is the first in a series of articles which revisit past NFFA Newswire coverage of significant events in the history of the league. In the opener, we go back to the 2004 season and look at the brief period when 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif — then known as G. Q. Denney — illegally exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi and gave him a fat contract to coach the Bakers.

Better Off Dead
BAKERS DUMP NAMELESS COACH, HIRE DEAD LOMBARDI

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
9/29/2004 5:21:00 p.m.

In an expected move, Bakers' owner G.Q. Denney fired the nameless hooker from the Republican Convention who was serving as his head coach and exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi, signing him to a big fat contract in an effort to turn things around.

"This is the biggest move we've busted since the release of the Linardo Papers," said an ecstatic Denney. "Even in death Vince represents everything the Bakers stand for ... alcoholism aside. Actually, I don't know if you can be an alcoholic when you're dead.'

Rumors had circulated for weeks, energized by sightings of Bakers' officials in Lombardi's cemetery with shovels and flashlights. It has been reported that the injured Charles Garner was used to replace the body, but that story has not been substantiated.

When pressed, the owner replied: "The Bakers would never bury a former player alive ... we just don't operate like that. Our team policy has always drawn the line at unlicensed medical experimentation ... we would never go beyond that."

Lombardi has yet to appear at a press conference, but has reportedly spoken through his agent, Larry Tate. The two were seen together at last night's gay rights benefit, The Greco-Roman Ball, held at the home of Boyd X. Biggs.

DENNEY CLEARED OF CHARGES BY LEAGUE OFFICE

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/2/2004 12:29:00 p.m.

The AWP has learned that 12th Avenue owner G.Q. Denney has been cleared of charges of misconduct on draft night.

Speaking only on condition of anonymity, a source within the commissioner's office confirmed the investigation of Denney has been dropped.

"Bottom line is this," the source said. "Commisioner Money doesn't want to mess with the Bakers now that they have a zombie as their coach.

"Vince Zombardi was scary when he was alive," the source continued. "Now that he's dead, he's downright frightening."

The source went on to say that the Hell's Angels will be providing additional security at all Bakers games for the rest of the season. "You just never know when a zombie will up and try to kill someone."

Lombardi dead after all these years
DEAD COACH CLAIMS DEATH BEHIND LOSS

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/12/2004 6:33:00 p.m.

Seems a couple of coaching moves by new Bakers head coach Vince Lombardi cost him a victory in his return to the sideline — or lack of moves. With his starting QB on a bye week and one of his WRs on the same, Lombardi had little hope.

"Yeah we looked bad this weekend," he sighed. "But did you see what our bench did to his bench. We kicked some major rump. Our bench even destroyed our starting lineup. It gives us something to strive for.'"

As for the rumor that owner G.Q. Denney laid money out against the Bakers, in collusion with Boyd X. Biggs, Lombardi became enraged. "If that's true I'll show him the business end of a dead man's wrath. I wasn't exhumed to become embroiled in a gambling and sex-change scandal ... uh, did I say sex change ... this interview is over. ..."

DEAD LOMBARDI KILLED IN BIZARRE FARM ACCIDENT

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/19/2004 12:04:00 p.m.

SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Vince Lombardi was found dead again Monday morning, the apparent victim of a tractor rollover. Depressed over the worst start in Bakers' history, Lombardi had sought solitude at The Farm, made famous in past decades by Stephen Gaskin.

"I spoke last with Vince Sunday night," said an obviously distraught owner G.Q. Denney. "He said Stephen could use some help bringing in the sheaves ... and he thought it would take his mind off the team's current woes. Our team is devastated by this and our doctors say there are no salvageable parts of him that could be used to create another coach."

Beelzebubbas' enforcer Jorge Linardo was seen entering the Lombardi home late Monday with a covered dish.

"There is a soft side to Jorge," Denney said. "Vince love El Jefe. They say the undead bond with the first person they see when restored to life ... he loved him so much you might have thought it was Linardo on the end of the switch."

The tractor apparently flipped on Lombardi as he attempted to cross a ditch and retrieve a wagon loaded with freshly harvested 'sheaves. One of Linardo's two sons, Manuel "Short Eyes" Linardo, was the first to find the body. The wagon in question had been removed by the time authorities had arrived.

"We're going to miss him," said a tearful Denney. "He had the unmistakable odor of winning about him. I felt it wouldn't be long before the whole squad had the same odor. Now I find out from Gaskin one of the best gatherer of sheaves he had ever had ... it's really a small world. I didn't even know that Jorge had family on the farm down there."

RYAN HOLDS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR LOMBARDI

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/20/2004 11:31:00 a.m.

SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Marrowbone Creek Black Dogs coach/GM Buddy Ryan led a candlelight vigil last night at The Farm in Summertown, Tenn. in memory of 12th Bakers coach Vince Lombardi, who died there Monday in a tragic accident.

The vigil, which was held on the very spot where Lombardi died for a second time, was marked by heartfelt euologies delivered by Ryan, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and several Black Dogs players, including QB Jake Plummer, RBs Emmitt Smith and Clinton Portis, and WR Roy Williams, who attended the service with the commissioner's daughters, Mo and Cash Money.

In a rare display of sentimentality, Ryan called Lombardi "an inspiration," as he fought back tears.

"Vince Lombardi was an [expletive] inspiration to me in life and in death, then in zombified life and now again in death," the Black Dogs coach said.

Commissioner Money praised Lombardi in his remarks. "It was a blessing, no matter how brief, when Vince returned to coaching in the NFFA," Money said. "He told me last weekend before the Bakers game with the Cambridge Animals that even though things had not gone as well as he had hoped with the team, he had no regrets that G.Q. Denney had dug him up and turned him into a zombie. He loved coaching football that much."

With Mo and Cash Money silently weeping by his side, Williams said, "Even though he died the first time before I was even born, I learned a lot about Coach Lombardi from watching countless hours of ESPN Classic. He taught me one of football's most important lessons: Run to daylight or else get your bell rung."

The vigil, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning, ended with Ryan and the others holding hands and singing the old Negro spiritual, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

No word out of Bakers' headquarters as to who might be a possible replacement.

Final Note: Somehow four years later, Lombardi was reanimated especially for a Roman chariot race in the newly opened Nashville Hippodrome during the Bacchanal to the Future only to be rekilled when his chariot overturned in the fourth lap, after being sideswiped by Mojo D. Next week, we will trace the early history of the annual Bacchanal event which returns in three weeks.

MOURNERS FLOCK TO AVENUE Q Thousands react to news of CurlBaby's demise

Baker fans and more gathered on Avenue Q Tuesday evening to hold
a candlelight vigil for the gone-but-not-forgotten CurlBaby.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

BAKERVILLE—As word spread early yesterday evening of the death of Curlbaby, the infant child of Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, crowds gathered near the team’s Ave. Q headquarters last night in a spontaneous outpouring of sympathy for the beleaguered — and now, apparently, accursed — franchise.

Mourners from across the city stretched for two blocks in either direction from the Cherry Bomb Café, maintaining a candlelight vigil that continued into the early hours of Wednesday morning. Among the crowd, reporters spotted a tearful Jim McMahon — who once had helped create a 20-foot-wide crater on 12th Avenue as a prank using a homemade explosive. “There are no words for this,” sobbed McMahon, who said he hoped to be able to see his old friend Sharif later in the evening. “We are all Bakers tonight.”

Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn announced Curlbaby’s death yesterday, via a statement explaining that the child had been eaten by Shiva as the Destroyer of Worlds attempted to restore energy after an apparently unsuccessful battle to end the curse imposed on the Bakers by Dave the Animal and his computer/consort Nancy. “Curlbaby was our hope for the future and now he has borne this dreadful curse for all of us,” said Nashville developer Jack May, a longtime Bakers season-ticket holder. “Please, please, please, make it stop.”

Early Wednesday, a local TV crew spotted league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo approaching the service entrance of the Cherry Bomb, carrying what appeared to be a green bean casserole. Linardo, who ordinarily eschews media attention, stopped for a moment and told the crew, “I know what it’s like to lose a son” — a reference to the death of Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo in one of Nashville’s most high-profile unsolved murders — “and then I lost Biggs, who was like the son I wished I never had.” Then he added with misty eyes, lapsing into his native Spanish, “Estoy aqui por Qlito in este momento de dolor.”

DTA IMPLICATED IN ZOMBIE SCANDAL Plot revealed to create ‘Undead Poets’ Society’

DTA's zombie poetry slams may feature Walt
Whitman (left) 'verses' Edgar Allan Poe.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Leaked grand jury testimony indicates that Dave the Animal of the Cambridge Animals is the latest NFFA owner to become ensnared in the widening web of investigation into the abuse of zombies at QCurl Sharif’s now-infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald, FSN has learned.

Sources, who said they wish to remain anonymous because leaking grand jury testimony is illegal, suggest that DTA, as he is widely known throughout New England, conspired with Sharif to reanimate prominent American poets who would compete in “zombie poetry slams” as part of what was laughingly dubbed the “Undead Poets’ Society.” Allegedly, DTA had planned to organize a two-day Deadstock festival in which reanimated poets would face off against each other, reading one of their own works, with the winner (as determined by audience approval) allowed to rip the face off his or her zombie poet competitor.

The sources allowed FSN to hear what were purported to be audiotapes of a cellphone conversation between DTA and Sharif in which DTA outlined the plan. “First round will be something like Marianne Moore and Elizabeth Bishop in a bitch fight,” says the voice on the tape. “Then maybe Robert Frost vs. Longfellow or Edgar Allan Poe vs. Walt Whitman. We’ll bill the event as Zombies Verses Zombies.” Get it? Ver-sess. People will be lining up to see Allan Ginsberg against Bob Dylan.”

Reminded by former Bakers coach Snoop Dogg, who also could be heard on the tape, that Dylan is not dead yet, DTA replied, “Everything is fluid.”

Then DTA continued: “Like Auden was saying at the Lodge the other day” — an apparent reference to a reanimated version of the Anglo-American poet — “'poetry makes nothing happen.’ He’s right, and he also agrees with my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay. You might get $200 and a year’s free subscription from the New Yorker if they publish your poem. And then everyone just skips to the cartoons. This is a way to make some real money from poetry. Poetry slams have been done to death, so we’re gonna do it to un-death. Can you imagine what people would pay to see Shakespeare vs. the Earl of Oxford? It’s the Thrilla in Unrhymed Iambic Pentameter, is what it fuckin’ is.”

Reached for comment, Ellis D. Hayes, who is serving as chief legal counsel for Sharif, said that the tape is “obviously a bigger fake than the Shroud of Turin,” before urging the media to bid on his auctions at ebay, where he said he is currently offering “the Williamsburg Bridge, a gallon jar of pixie dust, Napoleon’s shriveled and desiccated penis and several relics of the true cross.”

In a related development, Nashville police issued an arrest warrant for Beelzebubbas General Manager Chuck Barris following his indictment by a grand jury. Authorities said that Barris had until 8 a.m. Wednesday (CST) to turn himself in. Through team spokesperson Maryjane Livingood, Barris said that he would not begin any negotiations with the police until after the conclusion of the Bubbas-Sea Hogs game last night. “The evidence will show,” said Hayes, “that Chuck had legal permits to be carrying zombies on his truck, including concealed zombies, so our position is that these charges are not only baseless but constitute police harassment and restraint of legal commerce.” Hayes also announced that, as he had predicted, no charges will be filed against the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs.

CAIN AMONG VISITORS TO BOBBERHEAD LODGE? Grand jury hears tales of human pit fighting; search warrant denied

In their investigation of QCurl Sharif's Bobberhead Lodge, Howenwald police discovered a state-of-the-art human pit fighting facility dubbed The Zombie Dome by Sharif.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the wake of grand jury indictments against three NFFA owners, a team general manager and the league commissioner’s daughters, sordid new details emerged yesterday about QCurl Sharif’s now-infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald, where guests allegedly paid thousands of dollars each for the privilege of hunting zombies cloned from the DNA of Sea Hogs owner and international fugitive Tirik O’Bobber.

For the first time, sources within the police investigation revealed the existence of a state-of-the-art, 800-seat human pit fighting facility within the 2,000-acre Bobberhead property. According to the sources, who asked to remain anonymous because they did not have permission to discuss details of the case, Sharif frequently attended “death matches” between zombie gladiators who had been subjected to months of massive steroid injections, then dosed with methamphetamines before their fights. A guest book seized by investigators included such celebrity names as William Shatner, Luther Campbell, Jon Corzine, Omar Sharif, David Cassidy and presidential candidate Herman Cain.

The police source said that Corzine had tearfully confessed during interrogation but said “it was all a big misunderstanding.” Corzine allegedly claimed not to have been part of any death matches but had only attended “occasional” sumo wrestling events involving reanimated zombie clones of Burl Ives, whom he claimed Sharif sometimes forced to lead the crowd in singing “Michael Rowed the Boat Ashore” and “This Land Is Your Land.”

Attorneys for Corzine denied any confessions had been given and said their client would plead not guilty.

A spokesman for the Cain campaign vigorously denied that Cain had ever visited Hohenwald, despite the perhaps coincidental fact that one of the zombies was found wearing a championship belt inscribed “Hermanator.” Police said they would re-evaluate the claims about Cain’s presence in light of revelations from the Baker organization that former Vice President Dick Cheney had worn blackface on his visits to the lodge.

New details also emerged about the zombie safaris that prompted the full-scale investigation of the Bobberhead Lodge compound. According to sources, Maris and Cassandra Money were weekly customers, often hunting zombies while riding in chariots that the 12th Avenue Bakers had ostensibly donated to the Centennial Park Hippodrome they and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas had donated to the city of Nashville in 2008. Once a year, sources added, the Money sisters staged a special “running of the Bobbers” involving more than 200 zombies released as game animals. The annual hunts were accompanied by a continuous loop of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann,” broadcast at concert volume over loudspeakers throughout the property, which Cash Money sometimes jokingly referred to as “Your Assic Park” as the taunted the zombies.

A Davidson County deputy district attorney said that the Bakers-Bubbas-funded Haven Hamilton Foundation, the organization through which the chariots had been donated, could be in danger of losing its 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status if the chariots were being used for profit.

In addition to scouring the Bobberhead Lodge property, police have attempted, so far in vain, to obtain search warrants for Sharif’s nearby Hohenwald farm, which is believed to contain a zombie-production operation. District Judge G. Leonard Skinner yesterday refused a third request for a warrant, said law enforcement officials.

Beelzebubbas’ attorney Ellis D. Hayes, who said he is also representing Sharif pro bono in this case, said early today that “Mr. Sharif has nothing to hide but is fully engaged at the moment in other matters.” He added that Sharif believes the scandal is connected to the curse placed on the Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, and that with the help of longtime friend of the team Shiva the Destroyer “all will be resolved before the end of the week.”

Meanwhile, Hayes said he has filed motions to have the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs removed from the grand jury indictment, since state law does not provide for prosecutions of the dead. He added that Bubbas’ GM Chuck Barris, whom he described as a “true patriot who one day will be recognized as one of the heroes of this struggle,” could neither comment, nor testify in open court, for reasons of national security.

BREAKING NEWS: ANIMALS HIRE PATERNO

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno's remained unemployed for only a few hours, accepting a position with the Cambridge Animals late last night.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE — According to a text received late last night by the AWP, disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has been hired by the NFFA's Cambridge franchise.

Animals spokesperson Leon Spinks announced in the text that Paterno has been hired as director of youth scouting. No word if former Penn State defensive assistant Jerry Sandusky also will be joining the team's youth scouting department.

Spinks also promised in the text that the team would be releasing additional information soon about the curse placed on the 12th Avenue Bakers.

NFFA OWNERS INDICTED Grand jury investigates bizarre tales of zombie hunting at ‘Bobberhead Lodge'

The entrance to QCurl Sharif's Bobberhead Lodge in Howenwald.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a startling development that threatens the remainder of the NFFA season and the ongoing viability of the league, a Nashville grand jury has issued indictments against Beelzebubbas GM Chuck Barris, the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs, 12th Avenue Bakers team owner QCurl Sharif, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money, and Money’s daughters, Maris and Cassandra, aka Mo and Cash.

The indictment alleges that Barris, Biggs, Sharif and the Moneys were engaged in human trafficking, murder, human cloning and illegal gambling, all stemming from activities at a property owned by Sharif near Hohenwald, Tenn., known informally as “Bobberhead Lodge.”

According to local prosecutors, authorities began piecing together the story after Barris was stopped on Sept. 5 by police, who noticed two dead bodies strapped to the front of a Dodge Ram pickup driven by the Bubbas’ colorful general manager. At first, according to a police source, the officers believed Barris’ claim that he was a CIA assassin on a secret mission to eliminate Islamic terrorists. Then, one officer noticed that the two bodies appeared to be identical and became suspicious. Subsequent DNA tests at a state-run forensics laboratory revealed a match between the bodies and Tirik O’Bobber, the shadowy owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, who remains on a terrorist watch list in Tennessee.

When police interrogated Barris further, sources say, he revealed to them that the bodies were part of an elaborate “zombie safari ring” at Sharif’s Hohenwald property. According to Barris, Sharif used reanimation technology, along with a sample of Bobber’s DNA obtained from Texas restaurateur Doris “Meemaw” Murrman to manufacture hundreds of identical “production zombies.” Guests at the Bobberhead Lodge allegedly paid thousands of dollars each for the opportunity to go on zombie hunts and invited to “bag Bobbers” using sniper rifles, 30-caliber machine guns mounted on jeeps, bows and arrows and even poison blow darts supplied by Sharif.

The grand jury indictment alleges that Mo and Cash Money, who once had been held as sex slaves aboard Bobber’s yacht, the Fatal Attraction II, were almost weekly clients at Bobberhead Lodge. William D. Money and Biggs are also alleged to have been among the occasional visitors, who allegedly also included former Vice President Dick Cheney, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Paul Abdul, Barris and, incredibly, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

Police say Barris told them during questioning that the hunting lodge came into being “because QCurl has never really dealt with his addiction to human pit fighting.”

Sharif, who has been the object of “Occupy Bakerville” fan protests in Sevier Park, and earlier this week announced he had been in consultations with the Hindu god Shiva to lift a curse placed on the Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, was unavailable for comment.

Through Bubbas legal counsel, Ellis D. Hayes, the organization denied that Barris was involved in any illegal activity. “A grand jury can and will indict a ham sandwich,” said Hayes, who predicted that “this crazed misunderstanding” would soon be resolved. Meanwhile, the sports book at Club Gitmo has issued 10-to-1 odds against the proposition that a case against Barris or Biggs would ever come to trial.

Commissioner Money also was said to be unavailable for comment, but director of league security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero said his office “would look into this and let you know if there’s anything to let you know about.”

SHIVA DECLARES END OF CURSE

Shiva, shown here with Curlbaby, is a longtime friend of the Bakers and eternal touchstone for owner QCurl Sharif. Shiva has lifted an apparent curse placed on the franchise by rival coach Dave the Animal of Cambridge.







By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

Just hours after the 12th Avenue Bakers' loss to Fidalgo Island, the eighth straight of the 2011 season, Shiva has intervened on behalf of the team and embattled owner QCurl Sharif, lifting a highly publicized curse placed on Sharif and the players by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.

"I feel like I have on no clothes again!" an elated Sharif stated from the Gold Club Porch on the back of the Cherry Bomb Cafe this afternoon. He was, in fact, wearing no clothes. "Shiva came to me in a dream last night and lifted the flaming Curlbaby from my arms and transformed him into Ganesha. I had to break out the good shit on that one. They told me the curse is ended.

"I must admit I've been a little uneasy about this thing. I mean me and Animal go way back and when he dons the hoodie and chants, it can get a little dark ... though we have picked up women that way before. I was pretty close to trading him Brady to stop this, but a few friends have asked me to stand strong, as has Amy, and then this dream thing, man. When Shiva weighs in, I got to listen."

The mood was festive at the Cherry Bomb, despite the 1-8 record. Fans have experienced Baker weirdness before, and the team's fortunes often seem to ride in tandem with otherworldly events. The Bakers host the Corsairs this weekend, a team tied for the second place in the Linardo Division.

"Two things — the Corsairs will surely lose, and Cambridge will suffer some form of ill effect with this," Sharif said, as Curlbaby ignited Touchdown Tasers for those gathered on the porch. "Shiva told me that he had been too focused on preparations for this year's Bacchanal, but now it was 'game on.' I just hope no one gets hurt."

WINEHOUSE INHERITS BAKERS HOTSEAT

Sharif is concerned about Curlbaby's future.







By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

As the clock winds down on 12th Avenue's eighth straight loss of the 2011 NFFA season, two things have become paramount in the mind of owner QCurl Sharif — ending the horrible Bakers' downward spiral, and the health of his child, Curlbaby.

The two issues are inextricably intertwined. The new Bakers head coach is Amy Winehouse, who also happens to be the mother of Curlbaby. And, while hateful rumors have persisted about the paternity of the child, Sharif has forged ahead, placing a staggering sum of money into a Curlbaby trust, and keeping the child with him in his luxury box on gamedays. And, due to an unusual condition in which the baby may become aglow with flames at any given moment, Sharif has taken the child to many of his infamous gatherings. There is a photo circulating of Curlbaby being used by former head coach Snoop Dogg to light a party favor in the Treehouse Lounge, and the child has made a few Cherry Bomb Cafe appearances in which bartenders use him to torch up several rows of Touchdown Tasers.

The child's ability to flame up has been attributed to a new technique used in Winehouse's re-animation.

"Frankly, I'm worried about the both of them," Sharif said Sunday night from the Treehouse. "Amy has to put all of her focus into the team right now, and I'm concerned that she might have a relapse. And, while Curlbaby seems happy, he's growing at an incredible rate. I don't know how that's gonna play out, but I did let him drive me home tonight. We didn't even turn on the headlights."

When pressed about his team's fortunes, and the sudden firing of Snoop Dogg last week, Sharif made it clear that he feels the Bakers still belong in the elite class.

"We carry the weight of history," Sharif said. "I did think Snoop's rant against the Linardo Division was a bit out of line or premature, but I know where he's coming from. Pride. And, when the Corsairs threw out Cee-Lo Green as evidence of diversity in that division — well it only proved Snoop's point. Everyone knows Cee-Lo is white.

"But I'm straying from the point. People who know us continue to fear us. And, I still feel we can win out. Especially if we trade all of our current players. Amy is in the midst of personnel assessment and we're going to have a conversation in the next couple of days. I told her that she now carried a new child in her womb — the collective Baker Nation. She's got to carry that to full term!"