JFK, MARILYN STEAL SHOW AT BACCHANAL X Dead president upstages live Elvis

Pussy Riot rocked the Parthenon Stage at the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Organizers of the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future faced a stiff challenge this year: How do you top previous shows that featured an entrance by the Rolling Stones on elephants, Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton sharing a stage, a re-enactment of the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash, a Beatles reunion facilitated by Shiva the Destroyer of Worlds, and a chariot race won by a reanimated Charlton Heston?

If eyewitness reports and cellphone videos are correct, the festival found a way — by bringing back John F. Kennedy to open the party.

Though rumors had swirled that JFK might make an appearance, the crowd estimated at 120,000 was stunned when people recognized the former president — in his first live public appearance since his assassination 50 years ago — in the opening ceremonies for the lavishly extravagant extravaganza.

In attending the Bacchanalia, Kennedy managed something he rarely accomplished in his lifetime: to steal a show from Elvis Presley, who headlined the event. While the crowd went wild for The King of Rock & Roll, who wore black and appeared svelte, some suggested that his performance was a bit anticlimactic after JFK.

“I’ve been working with an army of Nashville lawyers and Satan’s legal team for years trying to pull this show together,” said a stunned Col. Tom Parker, brought back himself several years ago by festival organizers to fight certain labor unions. “And JFK shows up! I mean, look at Elvis … he hasn’t looked this good since I caught him at The Butter Churn in Vegas with Ann-Margaret.

“But, JFK? No one’s gonna out-stud that! You saw the panties scattered about the Parthenon steps. That’s the type of thing that could turn the South blue again! Of course, Mr. Sharif and Mos’ Ded sign the checks. We would follow The Second Coming for this kind of scratch.”

Marilyn Monroe as Aphrodite.

Kennedy, as co-Grand Marshall, was driven in a chariot by actor Brian Cranston for the traditional rising of Aphrodite — with a reanimated Marilyn Monroe playing the part — in the Centennial Park bandshell. Kennedy and the nude Monroe were then escorted back to the west side of the Parthenon, where they were welcomed by emcee Haven Hamilton.

JFK reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hamilton, who in previous years has always opened the festivities, deferred to Kennedy, who led the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance, then said, “If this party had been around in 1960, I’d have been proud to be its nominee.” He also reminded attendees to observe the proper spirit of the event: “Ask not what this pahty can do fah you,” he intoned in Boston Brahmin accent, “but what you can do fah this pahty.”

At that point, Kennedy added that “Jackie sends her regrets,” and said he had been invited by co-host QCurl Sharif to “come downstairs and find out why we call it the Green Room.” As he exited amid thunderous roars from the crowd, the former president exclaimed, "Today, ich bin ein Beelzebubba! Ich bin ein Baker!"

Lester Chambers of the Chambers Brothers.

As Sharif and JFK descended via an elevator platform built into the stage, Hamilton introduced this year’s new-to-the-Bacchanal opening act, The Chambers Brothers, who performed their big hit from 1968, “Time Has Come Today,” which Hamilton said had been decreed by Sharif as the third Co-Official Bacchanal Theme Song. Monroe, now wearing a white satin evening gown, provided tambourine accompaniment, backup vocals and some of the wild shrieks that were always part of the song’s long psychedelic interlude.

“With the fiftieth anniversary of Dallas and all, getting JFK here just seemed right and important,” said co-organizer Mos’ Ded afterward. “Plus, this is the kind of party he’d have liked to have thrown back in the day if the White House pool area had been big enough. It was the least we could do for him. It was also a very sentimental day for Dr. Linardo. El Jefé said the last party he attended with JFK was the big sendoff bash before the Bay of Pigs.

“And Julia Roberts understood perfectly why, under the circumstances, we asked if we could bump her till next year in favor of Marilyn Monroe. Julia still got to hang with Johnny in the VIP Lounge, so it was all good.”

Almost lost in the historic weekend was the fact that the Bakers pulled a narrow upset over the Bubbas, effectively knocking them from the playoffs, reminding partygoers of the blood coursing in the ancient rivalry.

“It would have helped if we’d had Brees for the whole game,” said Bubbas’ coach Jerry Glanville afterward, referring to the team’s all-star quarterback. “Barris found him at the hookah bar in the Viva Shiva tent in time to get him back for the second half. But this is just a storied part of our organizational culture and tradition. Mr. Sharif and Mr. Ded have always made it clear to us coaches that the game is strictly an optional activity for the players during Bacchanal weekend, and we never want to change that. Let the football chips fall on the field where they may.”

The King!

Presley’s appearance, which occurred as the festival’s final act on day two, had been long rumored after the Beelzebubbas hired Jerry Glanville as their coach during the summer. Earlier in his coaching career, Glanville habitually left two tickets for The King at the will-call window before each game. He introduced him as “the man who changed everything,” before Presley, backed by Paul Schaeffer and his band from The Letterman Show hurled themselves into “Burning Love, “Jailhouse Rock,” “Viva Las Vegas” (sung here as Viva NashVegas) and “Devil in Disguise.” Monroe joined Elvis for a duet on “Love Me Tender” and “Teddy Bear.” The hour-long set was capped off by a rare Bacchanal appearance by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo  — almost unrecognizable in a white sequined suit and long bushy sideburns — who joined Presley on “My Way.” Then, in a surprise, Van Morrison walked onstage and serenaded Elvis with a soaring version of “Tupelo Honey” before The King, backed by The Mighty Clouds of Joy, closed his set with “How Great Thou Art.”

Afterward, Presley was escorted to a lower level of the Parthenon that had been retrofitted for the occasion as a replica of the legendary “Jungle Room” in his Graceland mansion. Holders of the festival’s All Excess passes, which included all but one NFFA owner, joined Presley there for a VIP reception also attended by Bacchanal guests Keith Richards, Saddam Hussein, Robert Griffin III, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, actor Alfred Molina and Toronto mayor Robert Ford, who is rumored to be taking over as the late Tony Soprano’s successor with the Atlanta Smackdaddies.

Details from the two-day gala are always sketchy and depend largely on what attendees and reporters can remember. But FSN was able to piece together much of the event based on interviews with those who were present and relying on video footage that managed to survive.

The weekend’s other heavily anticipated appearance was by George Jones, who arrived at the Parthenon stage on a riding lawnmower — a moving tribute to the funeral procession that Sharif led from Nashville to Hohenwald following the country music legend’s death earlier this year. Jones, who had never played a Bacchanal before, drew sustained cheers from the crowd when he stepped up to the microphone and said, “I’m dead, but I love y’all!”

George Jones performing at Bacchanal X.

Over the next hour the Possum performed a bevy of his greatest hits, including “Why Baby Why,” “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” and “If Drinkin Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will.” Changing a word from perhaps his most famous song, Jones explained that he was performing “He Stopped Loving Him Today” as a tribute to Sharif and Mr. TD. Sharif, whom Jones had called to the stage during the introduction, was seen sobbing uncontrollably during the song. To close the set on a different note, Jason Ringenberg and Warner Hodges joined Jones for a piledriving, punkabilly version of “The Race Is On.”  The song, meant to herald the imminent start of the annual chariot race, not only brought the crowd to its feet but apparently drove several hundred of them to run riot across 27th Avenue and destroy the ChristianMingle.com pavilion that had been erected in the Springwater parking lot.

Concerned for his safety, Sharif’s Israeli-trained praetorian guard rushed Jones to the stage elevator and escorted him down to the VIP Lounge, where he was later seen relaxing with Vice President Joe Biden, Fox News host Megyn Kelly, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, Bakers superfan Powers Boothe, and actor Robert “Wild Wild West” Conrad.

Jones was followed by a long-anticipated performance from the Russian all-girl punk band, Pussy Riot, who owed their presence to interventions with Sharif’s Moscow investors by Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn and General George Washington Leonard. Cheers from the crowd lasted a full five minutes before the band was able to launch into Ubey seksista (“Kill the Sexist”), “Kropotkin Vodka,” and “Release the Cobblestones.”

Halfway into their set, Natalie Maines — rumored to be a leading candidate for 2015’s Grand Marshall — brought the Dixie Chicks onto the stage as the Russians and Americans together performed “Not Ready to Make Nice” and “Goodbye Earl,” which were dedicated to Vladimir Putin. Then the Riot girls returned to a set of their explicitly anti-Putin songs that included “Mother of God, Put Putin Away” and Putin Zassal (“Putin Is Wetting Himself”). Members of the Gazprom delegation on the VIP Reviewing Stand became noticeably agitated as the crowd roared its approval.

Several subsequent performers joined the theme — most notably, Eminem, who began his set by announcing, “Putin is a pimp.” Later, after ousted Bakers coach Snoop Lion joined the Detroit rapper onstage, things began to get ugly when Eminem denounced Sharif and “a little faggot named Calvin Broadus” for “taking up residence in Putin’s ass.” The two men came to blows before the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security forces could pull them apart and lead them offstage as Haven Hamilton tried to divert the crowd’s attention by singing the National Anthem.

Tensions from the Russians’ presence spilled over into other areas as well. According to reports, several members of the Beelzebubbas’ marketing staff got into a brawl with Russian guests during a private party at Sharif’s West End Treehouse. Two Russian diplomats were reportedly treated for cuts and a concussion at St. Thomas Hospital after Anton Chigur, the Bubbas’ VP for Community Outreach, broke bottles of Grey Goose Vodka over their heads.

“All in good fun,” Sharif said later of the incident. “My partners are an emotional bunch, and very loyal to Putin. In fact, their ultimate aim here is to bring him another ring.

“When the vodka started flowing, they apparently attempted to lure a West Nashville intern into a game of chance, one in which she might have agreed to carry someone’s child.  One of their marketing guys took offense, and that’s when the knives came out.

“Personally, I think that sort of thing just adds to the jam. And, I think things were a little edgy because of the loss, and that anthrax / cocaine mix-up over at Rotiers. Everyone was a little frayed by the time they hit the Treehouse.”

Back at the Parthenon, the crowd saved one of its most raucous welcomes for a re-reanimated Warren Zevon, who took an assassin’s bullet last year that was meant for Sharif. Zevon ran through an hour-long set of his signature hits. One of them, with the words changed to “Werewolves of 12South,” was dedicated to his old friend. On perhaps his most anthemic song, shoppers in Hillsboro Village, one mile away from Centennial Park, could clearly hear the audience shouting with the music, “Send lawyers, guns and money; the shit has hit the fan!”

On Saturday afternoon, Sharif granted Zevon’s re-dying request a year ago and allowed him to drive the Bakers’ entry in the annual Bacchanalia Chariot Race at the Centennial Park Hippodrome. While Zevon finished half a length behind the Beelzebubbas’ “Mustang Ranch” chariot — driven this year by a reanimated Steve McQueen — he did manage to use his bladed wheels to devastating effect, overturning the zebra-powered ride of Jack White, who miraculously suffered only a sprained ankle and minor abrasions in the crash.

“You know — this is what the league is really about,” a giddy Sharif said later. He held a glowing CurlBaby in his arms throughout most of the public events, allowing for countless photo-ops and occasional spontaneous healings. “I know we’re about to crown a new champion, but for pure NFFA identity, this is the game that sets the tone for everything we do. On this weekend, we are one seething organism and the game itself becomes a religious expression. I think the people that have been attending these for years, have reached a certain level of enlightenment.”

Among the other highlights of Bacchanal 2013:

•    Donovan Leitch, longtime friend of Dr. Linardo, who was joined onstage by longtime friend of the Bacchanal William Shatner. While Donovan, backed by Schaeffer’s band, played, Shatner provided his unique spoken-voice stylings to “Atlantis” and “Mellow Yellow.”

•    Sir Elton John’s emotion-laden performance of “Rocket Man,” which he had dedicated to his friend Sharif.

•    Bacchanal perennials George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars’ traditional rendering of “One Nation Under a Groove.”

•    The debut appearance of the Pogues, joined by the Dropkick Murphys, who together performed, in their original order, the songs from the Pogues’ “Rum Sodomy & the Lash.” On the finale, a still weeping Sharif provided the accordion on the doleful “The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.”

•    The ebullient set by first-time Bacchanalian Jimmy Cliff, who opened with “You Can Get It If You Really Want” and “I Can See Clearly Now.” After “Rivers of Babylon” and “Bongoman,” Sharif and Village Green owner Dave “Goodrow” Goodridge joined him for “The Harder They Come,” before Katie Perry, wearing a Jamaican flag dress, accompanied them both on “Many Rivers to Cross.”

•    A reanimated Rick James, whose one-song set was an electrifying version of “Super Freak,” which ended abruptly as James announced it was time to “get with the bitches and the green caviar.”

•    The full-on, 20-minute assault-by-guitar performance of the Outlaws’ “Green Grass and High Tides,” featuring a stage full of Southern rock icons including Barefoot Jerry, Molly Hatchet, Black Oak Arkansas, the Drive-By Truckers, Marshall Tucker and three of the Van Zant cousins, with Sod Bakers president Nate Newton manning the tambourine and jew’s harp.

•    By popular demand, the Village People returned, fronted once again by Goodridge. This year, Goodrow appeared disoriented, yelling “YMC Hammer” instead of the lyrics to the group’s trademark song, and wandering offstage two-thirds of the way through “Macho Man.” Goodrow and Green coach Stuart Smalley later were found by Black Dogs owner Bill Money passed out next to the Roman Vomitorium by the east entrance of the Parthenon.

Near midnight on Saturday, all the performers, as well as JFK and Miss Monroe, joined on one stage to close the show. Mos Ded thanked the crowd for coming before asking Sly & the Family Stone to lead everyone in “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin),” one of the other co-official theme songs of the Bacchanal. Then the festival closed with the traditional singing of “The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down” and “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?,” led by Presley.

“It’s going to be tough to top this one,” Ded told the crowd in closing. “I don’t want to start any rumors, but don’t be surprised if Nelson Mandela and Hunter Thompson are up here a year from now.”

SMALLEY SHOWS ‘FEEL-BAD’ SIDE Coach shows tough love as team reaches finalé

Village Green coach Stuart Smalley inspired quarterback Cam Newton 
and the rest of the team with his stirring halftime speech.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

When The Village Green's quarterback Cam Newton went to the locker room with an injury just before halftime of Sunday's NFFA semifinal game against the rival Corsairs, Coach Stuart Smalley's face hardly changed expression. “Gosh darn it,” several players overheard him say. “I know we can still find a way.”

The injury appeared to be a watershed. Newton had been racking up points during an excellent first half, and was leading what appeared to be a surge that would carry the Green past their biggest division rivals and into their first NFFA championship game. But the Green were still narrowly trailing the Corsairs when Newton went down, and when he was taken by team physicians to the locker room, it appeared that his team’s chances might be ruined.

In his halftime locker room speech, Smalley — named yesterday as AWP’s NFFA Coach of the Year — kept his signature smile as he challenged the Green to “win one for the Goody.” In particular, he challenged his young quarterback. “You’re strong and you’re good, and gosh darn it, I know you can get back out there and lead us to victory,” he told Newton.

Then, getting close to the quarterback’s face, he smiled and said: “You’re good, I’m good, and Goodrow’s good. But the Corsairs are a bunch of punkass bitches, and today they are OUR bitches. I know you’re not going to let us lose to that washed-up bitch, Ray-Gay Lewis. Is that what you know, Cam?”

“That’s what I know, Coach!” Newton replied, as the rest of the team broke into cheers.“

“Are you gonna get all up in that Corsair ass?” Smalley continued.

“I’m all up in it!” Newton shouted.

“Are you going to drive us down the field like you’re driving a shiv into Ray-Ray’s neck?” Smalley persisted, making a throat-slash gesture without changing inflection.

“I’m putting the blade in him, Coach!” Newton exclaimed.

The halftime talk produced the desired result, as Newton finished with 34 points in a 146-133 victory over the defending league champions.

“They’re in there talking about the ‘curse of the champion,’” said Newton afterward, motioning to the media room where Lewis was addressing reporters. “I’ll tell you what: the curse for them was having to go up against the best coach in the universe.”

Green players said there was nothing unusual or unexpected in Smalley’s halftime motivational talk. “That’s just how the man rolls,” said injured QB Aaron Rodgers, who had just spent much of the previous weekend with Smalley and Goodrow at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future.

“Stuey isn’t afraid to emphasize the love part of tough love, and we love him in return. People think he’s weak because he has a feel-good approach, but what people don’t understand is that feeling good is all about making the losers on the other side feel bad. He has the voice of an angel but the heart of Jack the Ripper.”

 

"The man's a monster," the medical staffer said. "You could see the fear in Cam's eyes."

BLACK DOGS LOSE, CLINCH 8TH JORGE DIVISION CROWN Linardo division still up for grabs

East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, who has three championship rings and 
has never had a losing season, is the winningest coach in NFFA history.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASHVILLE—Relaxing over a cup of coffee at the Barista Parlor Tuesday morning, East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon considered the fact his team had backed into the Jorge division title with a loss at Cambridge last weekend and a loss by West Nashville, who fell at home to 12th Avenue in the annual Bacchanal to the Future contest.

"I'll take it any way we can get it," he said of his eighth division title in nine seasons as coach of the Black Dogs. "As far as our loss goes, well the Animals' awesome awesomeness has shown up the past two weeks and we were one of its victims. When that happens, you just take the whupping and move on."

The 4-9 Cambridge Animals and the 3-10 12th Avenue Bakers, both of whom had already been eliminated from championship playoff contention, have played the spoiler role, knocking off the Jorge division leaders over the past two weeks. Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, who predicted the win over "the Dogs of Black," was unavailable for comment, although it's a safe bet he considers the 206-158 smackdown of East Nashville one of the greatest games in league history. 

Reached by phone at The Cherry Bomb Café, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said of his team's victory over West Nashville, "It was special. In fact, we haven't had a win that meant this much in a long time.

"These two franchises are joined at the hip, really, and so it's bittersweet in one respect," Sharif continued. "That's why Faith insisted on sending some girls over to the 'Bubbas' front office Monday night after the game. I heard that they wound up at The Treehouse with some of West Nashville's marketing people and tore up some shit. Got in a fight with the Russians and were generally fucked up. I think one of the girls got hurt pretty bad. I haven't had a chance to see the damage, but it's all cool. I understand the pain.

Looking to the weekend, the Bakers owner added, "Now, if we can just close out with a win over a hot Animals team, I'll feel pretty good about next year."

The 7-6 Black Dogs host the 6-7 Beelzebubbas at the Dawg House in the season finale, and even if the Beelzebubbas win to finish in a tie for the division lead, the Dogs have the tiebreaker advantage. The first tiebreaker is head-to-head records, and the Dogs won the first meeting, so with a 'Bubbas win, the two teams would split their season series. The second tiebreaker is division record. The Beelzebubbas are currently 2-3, which means they would improve to 3-3 with a W. Whereas the Black Dogs have a 4-1 division record going into this weekend's contest, so even with a 'Bubbas' win, their division record still would be better at 4-2.

The Atlanta Smack Daddies and the defending champs Downtown Corsairs are tied atop the rival Linardo division with 9-3 records and have clinched playoff berths. Both teams go on the road to close out the season, with the Smack Daddies visiting the 7-6 Village Green, while the Corsairs go cross-country to the 7-6 Fidaldo Island Sea Hogs. If the two teams remain tied after this weekend, the Corsairs will have the tiebreaker advantage. The teams split their two regular season games, and the Corsairs have a 4-1 division record compared to the Daddies' 2-3 mark within the division.

The Linardo division winner will be the number one seed in the playoffs, while the Black Dogs, as Jorge champs, will receive the number two seed. The third seed, a wild-card spot, will go to either the Daddies or the Corsairs, whichever team is not the Linardo division champion. 

The Green and Sea Hogs are both still in the running for the fourth seed and final wild-card spot. Although the Beelzebubbas could potentially finish with the same record as The Green and Sea Hogs, they would lose the three-way, head-to-head tiebreaker. For the Sea Hogs and The Green, if one wins and the other loses, the winner will get the final wild-card spot. If they finish the season still tied, The Green have the tiebreaker advantage, but that could change after this weekend. The Green and Hogs split their season series, so the second tiebreaker kicks in, which for wild-card spots is total points scored. Going into the final weekend, The Green have a 62.5-point lead over the Sea Hogs, which might appear to be an almost insurmountable margin except for the fact the Hogs outscored The Green by 82 points last weekend in their final head-to-head matchup.

As the playoff picture currently stands after 13 weeks, there will be three former champions in the running for the 2013 title, including the reigning champs (Corsairs), and two three-time title holders (Daddies, Dogs). And if the Sea Hogs, who have two rings, make it, it will be an all-champion playoff derby — something that has never happened in the league's 12-year history.

There's one other thing that has never happened in NFFA history — a reigning champion has never worn the crown in consecutive seasons. That little fact has come to be known as "the curse of the champion."

BIRONAS TO COACH THRU END OF SEASON

Rob Bironas will helm the Bakers ship for the balance of the 2013 season.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers' placekicker Rob Bironas will serve as interim head coach for his team through the remainder of the 2013 season. The Bakers (2-9) have won two of three in November under his direction, following the firing of former coach Snoop Lion.

Owner QCurl Sharif simultaneously tapped Bakers PR Director Faith Popcorn as acting GM, and receded into the shadows. Reports have swirled about the owner's involvement with Eckankar, and a return to an association with Shiva, who promptly regurgitated CurlBaby, thought to be dead. As Popcorn headed a permanent coaching search, two candidates surfaced as finalists — Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome — only to become tragically intertwined with the purported curse of the organization. Chrome has been missing, and Pop lies in a coma still at Vanderbilt Hospital.

"We feel Bironas has gotten the car out of the ditch, at least," Popcorn said recently. "We'd like to finish strong and spoil everything. If we were to upset the Black Dogs this weekend and bust the Bubbas in the Bacchanal game, our fans will be back in the fold. In fact, they'd burn this mother-effin' town down."

Emboldened by Popcorn's address to the media at the Cherry Bomb, Sharif joined her on the steps holding a flaming CurlBaby in his arms.

"The kid seems really happy to be back," Sharif said. "He's so cute. He keeps referring to the Bubbas' game as the 'Back Anal.'"

THE VILLAGE GREEN'S SMALLEY ANNOUNCES NEW PARTNERSHIP

The Village Green head coach Stuart Smalley (inset) is excited about his new "Feel Good" partnership with New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

From wire reports

In a stunning move at The Meadowlands, Village Green head coach Stuart Smalley has announced a "Feel Good" partnership with New York Football Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. The partnership is centered around a "mind-body connection" that both coaches have found successful in their recent wins.

The New York club has impressed Gotham fans with a mind-blowing four-straight wins to leave them only a game-and-a-half behind the NFC East leading PhiladelphiaEagles. Ruddy-faced Coughlin has attributed his success to weekly sessions with his team, especially those players suited up for The Village Greenk. These sessions include inspirational talks by both Smalley and Coughlin, weekly yoga workouts and visualization techniques found to be successful in other sports psychologists regimens.   

Of particular satisfaction to Coach Smalley is that he "borrowed" some of his techniques from rival coach Mojo D of the Downtown Corsairs, who Smalley says "has changed pedagogy 180 degrees in his 'win at all costs' approach." Unnamed sources within the Corsairs locker room report players have complained of fatigue and bullying, which has led to uninspired performances in week 11.     

Mojo D declined comment as he is anticipating a lawsuit from his rival for the unapproved Village Green logo recently seen in league publications, which was released to the public by the Corsairs owner.

Mojo D Sounds Warning Over "NFFA's Culture of Non-Bullying"

Despite concerns over the NFFA's direction, Corsairs' GM Mojo D was exuberant over Corsairs' recent wins

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

In an impromptu Sunday night media throw-down, Corsairs' Owner/GM Mojo D was enthusiastic about his teams' close wins the past two weeks -- a 190.5 - 186.5 buzzer-beater over the Cambridge Animals, and a 9-point victory in Week 10 over the Black Dogs at the infamous Dawg House. 

"The team is playing at a high level, and scored the most points both weeks. It's clear that we are ready to defend our 2012 championship and make a run at an historic NFFA Championship repeat." (note: no team has ever repeated as NFFA champion) "The NFFA Power Ranking has us at the top, and we are especially proud of the league-leading coaching efficiency rating -- you're doing a heck of a job, Ray-Ray!!"

But the Corsairs' owner sounded a an angry note regarding recent developments with the NFFA. "I see a disturbing trend: the League seems to have adopted a culture of not bullying." He made public a recent message from William D. Money, owner of the East Nashville Black Dogs and former commissioner of the  NFFA. Titled simply "congrats," the email says in part "Good win, Mojo D" and closes with a smiley emoticon. The Corsairs owner was agitated and stated emphatically: "this sort of genteel, gracious sportsmanship has no place in a profane, violent fantasy-sports world, and is evidence of a 'Nancy-boy' infiltration of the culture of the league."

"However, I do realize that Money suffered a massive brain trauma last season, and I'm no neurologist, but like Meemaw (Murrman, current NFFA commissioner) says: 'that boy ain't been right since.'" The Corsairs GM took a moment to compose himself, and added: "At the same time, these last two games have been very emotional: in both wins, the Corsairs were the only team in the league that could have defeated my opponents. After all that sh*t we went through in the early days of Methlon - Q, Animal, Biggs, Money and me, too, slaving away for Big McKwan - there's a bond there, and I hate to see a strong effort not pay off for people who at one time, at least, I had some modicum of respect for."

Looking forward to the Corsairs' week 11 tilt with the 12th Avenue Bakers, Mojo D turned the mic over to coach Ray Lewis: "Our strategy is the same every week: we are very simply going to f*ck them up. And tell QCurl Sharif he should not ride his bike to the game." Lewis' thinly veiled reference to Sharif's still-unsolved, off-season bicycle accident got the attention of at least one reporter, but the rest were distracted by Mojo D's proclamation that "The Corsairs Victory bar is open!"

Breaking news POP COMATOSE, CHROME MISSING

Kicker Rob Bironas will continue as acting head coach of
the 12th Avenue Bakers for at least one more week. 

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers' head coaching candidate Iggy Pop has been found unconscious in a Nashville area hotel room and Cheetah Chrome, another candidate, is missing. He did not show up for a scheduled dinner with acting GM Faith Popcorn last night in Germantown, and authorities have been unable to contact him.

It has been revealed that a half-empty bottle of Stoli was found in the room with Pop, but police are quick to point out that the longtime Stooges frontman brushed his teeth with vodka at one time in his career.

Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif has apparently joined in the search for Mr. Chrome personally, and has been seen driving up and down the Boulevard of Losers with CurlBaby. A giant facsimile of a marijuana cigarette, or "joint," has been mounted to the top of Sharif's Jaguar, and serves as a loudspeaker calling out to Mr. Chrome.

Chrome and Pop were named as frontrunners in the Bakers' coaching search, and Popcorn had indicated to some in the last few days that Pop had the inside track.

"We are concerned by the latest turn of events," Popcorn said this morning. "According to QCurl, Shiva is throwing furniture all about inside of Sharif's home and speaking in Russian. He's been staying there this week in an advisory capacity.

"Obviously, Rob Bironas will continue to coach the team this weekend."

When quizzed about the decision to leave quarterback RG III on the bench last night, Popcorn revealed that she, Sharif, and Bironas feel that he may spend the rest of the year on the bench.

"I consider him to be a loser," she said. "We beat the top team in the league without him, and QCurl and Bironas want to win — that's all. Just win."

MEEMAW = THUR MURR? Art Bell claims Commish is imposter

Is Commissioner Murrman (left) in reality her great-grandson, Thurman Murrman?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

During his weekly “Bell-zebubba” call-in show early Monday, West Nashville team broadcaster Art Bell leveled a stunning accusation against the NFFA Commissioner: that she/he is a fraud.

According to Bell, whose radio show airs between midnight and 2 a.m. on Monday mornings, the person occupying the commissioner’s office is not Lorena “MeeMaw” Murrmann but her great-grandson, former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrmann. The real MeeMaw, Bell said, lives in a nursing home in Alamo, Texas, where she is heavily sedated most of the time.

“How do I know?” Bell asked rhetorically over the air. “I know. A little bird told me. (Bubbas Director of Scouting) Ed Snowden told me. CurlBaby telepathically told me he saw it all from inside Shiva’s gullet. People would be at risk if I told you. It doesn’t matter how I know. I know.”

Bell claimed that, after selling his Alamo Scouts franchise to Dave Goodrow, who renamed it The Village Green, Thur Murr was consumed by resentment against Commissioner Bill Money, owner of the East Nashville Black Dogs, because the Black Dogs’ coach Jim McMahon routinely referred to Thur Murr as his “bitch.” According to Bell, Thur Murr also resented the league championships won by his uncle, Atlanta Smackdaddies owner Lex Dominica. “Thur Murr would whine, ‘He always treats me like a punk kid,’” Bell added.

Bell claimed he learned that Thur Murr hatched a plan to disguise himself as his ailing grandmother and then lobby league owners to name MeeMaw Murrmann as deputy commissioner of the NFFA. Following a mysterious head injury to Money, Murrmann took over his job as league commissioner.

Other than Dominica, only two current NFFA figures have seen MeeMaw Murrmann before she joined the league office. In town for a game against the Scouts, McMahon had breakfast at the restaurant she owned in Alamo, The Sunnyside Up, where he was served what he said Murrmann referred to as the special of the day, “huevos boberos.” Sea Hogs owner Tirik O’Bobber also met Murrmann in Alamo during the period he had assumed the identity of a border vigilante who called himself Bob America. However, following O’Bobber’s successful treatment for criminal insanity, the reclusive owner has said he has no recollection of meeting MeeMaw.

Several of the callers to Bell’s late-night show supported the host’s assertions about the commissioner’s true identity. “I can tell you it’s all true,” said one, who identified herself as Mo from Cashville. “Just follow the porn on the commissioner’s computer and the gay-looking pictures of Tim Tebow standing next to a cardboard cut-out of Jesus. The real MeeMaw is into violence, not pornography.”

When reached by phone this morning, Bell said, “The truth is out there. How Thur Murr fooled the powers that be in this league for more than a year, I don’t know. A lot of them have a very peripheral relation to reality to begin with, so that’s probably part of it. This whole league is like a big fantasy to them, except for Mojo D, who thinks it’s actually real.”

Commissioner Murrmann could not be reached for comment. A person who answered the phones at her office said she was in Alamo, making final preparations for the groundbreaking of the NFFA Hall of Fame, whose inaugural class includes Thur Murr and former Bakers coach Stumpy Legg.

SEARCH NARROWS, SHIVA VOMITS

Either Cheetah Chrome (left) or Iggy Pop will be the Bakers' new head coach.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—As Faith Popcorn works relentlessly to right the 12th Avenue Bakers' ship, it has been leaked that the coaching search has been narrowed to two candidates — Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome. Neither has previous NFFA ties, and it is believed that both would bring a more aggressive approach than was found under Snoop Lion.

And, it has been learned that Sharif has offered Lion a front office job, in an attempt to heal their relationship. Sharif is waiting to be notified by authorities as to whether he will face aggravated assault charges in a sideline incident in Cambridge two weeks ago.

Additionally, rumors are flying about the Bakers' headquarters that in a ritualistic scene at Sharif's home this weekend, theoretical balance was restored when Shiva and the owner downed several gallons of vodka, followed by the regurgitation of the beloved CurlBaby by the Great Destroyer and Restorer. Some informed observers believe — if the story is true — that a renewed relationship between Sharif and Shiva could spell trouble for Fubbi Quantz and Eckankar, as well as the volatile partnership with the Russian consortium. 

NFFA Commentary BAKERS WRESTLE 900-POUND GORILLA

The whole league is feeling the weight of the Bakers' 900-pound gorilla.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

BAKERVILLE—It's the NFFA's 900-pound gorilla, the one no one is talking about. Oh, people are talking about it privately and off-the-record, but no one is mentioning it in any of their public comments. Of course, the 900-pound gorilla I refer to is the eight-game losing streak of the 12th Avenue Bakers to start the 2013 season.

The Bakers' 0-8 record is not unprecedented. They started the 2007 season with eight straight losses, then put 227 points —  a franchise record — on the Alamo Scouts (now The Village Green) to get off the schneid. Their two eight-game losing streaks to start a season represent a league record. 12th Avenue also owns the record for the longest losing streak of any kind — 10 games in 2011, spanning from week two through week 11. With two more losses, the Bakes will equal that record. But even if they were to win out, they are still guaranteed to register their 10th losing campaign in 12 seasons.

Of course, no one hates holding these records for futility more than Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. Sharif is a brilliant, yet flawed man; one of the NFFA's five founding owners and the only one to have never won a championship of any kind, neither a league title, nor a division crown. But Sharif is resilient, if nothing else, and he has faced these trials in the past, so he almost certainly is feeling no pain, and I mean that literally.

No, the pressure is now building on 12th Avenue's opponents, who want to avoid the ignominy of being the Bakers' first victim in 2013. This week, that 900-pounds of pressure falls on the shoulders of The Village Green's owner, Dave Goodrow, and their head coach, Stuart Smalley. One wonders if once again this franchise will fall to the Bakers, as it did in 2007, and give 12th Avenue their first win of the season.

When reached earlier today, Goodrow said his team is feeling "no pressure at all." He added, "Coach Smalley instills in his players positive thinking and visualization."

If The Green can prevail this week, then the 900-pound gorilla jumps on the back of Tirik Obobber and his Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. But if there is such a thing as karma, week 11 might be when the Bakes get to taste victory because that's the week they face Mojo D and the Downtown Corsairs, and their "turncoat" coach Ray Lewis, a longtime Baker who has been linked by NFFA security to an attempt on Sharif's life back in July.

West Nashville owner Mos' Ded, Sharif's longtime frienemy, claims the Bakers' woes stem from the death of Sharif's infant son, Curlbaby, at the hands of Shiva the Destroyer. "The Bakers will continue to lose until Shiva brings back Curlbaby," the Beelzebubba owner prophesied.

But Ded's theory is only one of several making the rounds at local NFFA hotspots, like Club Gitmo, The Goodrow-A-Go-Go, and even Sharif's own Cherry Bomb Café. Bakers beat writer Woody Larry is convinced the perennial losing by the 12th Avenue franchise is connected to when Sharif was flirting with Satanism, but the Bakers were losing then, too, so that doesn't seem likely. One league insider speaking only on the condition of anonymity suggested it was the curse of the monkey, a reference to the fact the Bakers introduced apes to the league's menagerie with fatal results.

Sharif's close friend Jim McMahon may have come closest to the truth when he offered the following explanation for the Bakers many years of losing: "Winning is just not that important to Q," the East Nashville Black Dogs head coach said. "Don't get me wrong, Q wants to win, but he wants to do other things a whole lot more."

SNOOP GRANTED ASYLUM Ousted Bakers coach fears for his life

Snoop Lion arrives at the Club Gitmo compound.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Developing news 

Former Bakers coach Snoop Lion, who was stabbed and then unceremoniously fired last weekend by team owner QCurl Sharif, has been granted asylum within the Club Gitmo compound, FSN has learned.

Multiple sources said Lion phoned league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo from an undisclosed location and requested that he be allowed to live, at least temporarily, at Club Gitmo under the protection of Linardo and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The sources added that Lion had reason to fear for his life.

“I don’t blame him,” said one source inside the Bubbas organization. “Russian agents are trying to kill him, and then his own team owner stuck a knife in his ass.”

There was no official comment from the Bubbas organization, but sources said Lion’s living quarters were on the residential level of Club Gitmo, just down the hall from the apartments of Saddam Hussein.

“They hit it off right away,” a source said. “Saddam told Snoop not to worry and that Putin is actually the Russian word for female genitals — just like mojo in Arabic.”  For his part, the source said, Lion had offered to perform a rap version of the National Anthem by live remote at the Bubbas’ next home game. 

POPCORN NAMED HEAD OF BAKERS’ OPERATIONS; SNOOP FIRED

QCurl Sharif thinks new GM Faith Popcorn may be the answer to the Bakers' woes.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE —  In the wake of his team's seventh loss of the year, and in what could prove to be the worst season in 12th Avenue Bakers’ history, owner QCurl Sharif has gone into hiding, and handed the reins over to PR maven Faith Popcorn. Following the Bakers’ loss in Cambridge on Sunday, Sharif fired coach Snoop Lion and named Popcorn as acting GM.

“She deserves a shot,” Sharif said, in a rare 2013 interaction with the press. “The way she’s been treated over the years — that scene in the bunker — I think she might be the answer. I’ve got nothing right now.”

As Sharif left the stadium for the Boston airport, reporters quizzed him on reports that Snoop had been stabbed on the sidelines at the end of the game.

“Better than poisoning him, which is what my Russian partners were wanting to do,” Sharif said, before correcting himself. “I mean, Yuri said Snoop should be poisoned — not to actually have him poisoned. I’m over it now. I’m putting all my faith in Faith.”

Popcorn is no stranger to the league, having served as consultant and then full-time head of PR for the Bakers for many years.  She is known for her visionary cultural perception, and for once having a body that broke New York City.

A recent Los Angeles Times entertainment section article, following Popcorn's predictions over a period of five years, credited her with identifying trends such as “food coaches” and “transcouture.” In her latest Popcorn Report, she predicts that we will own our own androids soon, won't see humans driving buses, at supermarket check-outs, or serving up fast food. They'll be replaced within the next two years by colonies of androids who can walk your dog, or fight your war.”

She is also quoted, offering a prediction that “mechanized hugging booths” will replace old pay-phone stations in larger cities as part of a cultural trend toward more physical contact. She’s also said that 1950’s slang will make a big comeback, and that advances in genetics will allow people to custom-design pets with bits of their own DNA, so their dogs and cats will resemble them. Other predictions include lingerie infused with "neuro-chemicals" to enhance confidence, and new demand for "retort coaches" to help people sharpen their wit. 

To Bakers’ fans, the lack of a visible presence from Sharif this year, and the abysmal record, has led to the rise of many rumors. According to Popcorn, there is reason behind Sharif’s low profile. He has recently become a devoted follower of Eckankar, and a disciple of Fubbi Quantz.

“QCurl loves the teachings of Fubbi and believes the path to his own enlightenment will lead to enlightenment for the Baker franchise,” Popcorn said recently from a comfortable, private room at the Cherry Bomb. “He wants to become an Eck Master.  He has asked me to begin the search for a new coach, effective immediately, and has also entrusted me with player personnel moves. Let’s just say that if Trent and C.J. perform as badly off the field as they have been on it, they won’t be wearing the Baker blue much longer.”

On-again-off-again Bakers’ kicker Rob Bironas has been named interim coach for this weekend’s game against the Atlanta Smackdaddies.

“QCurl and I went over a gameplan with Sunshine last night, and we’re pretty comfortable. I mean, how could this get any worse?”

Sharif has communicated to the team’s fans through an open letter to The Dope, in which he quoted the lyrics of the Chambers Brothers’ song “Time Has Come Today”:

Now the time has come (Time)

There's no place to run (Time)
I might get burned up by the sun (Time)

But I had my fun (Time)

I've been loved and put aside (Time)

I've been crushed by the tumbling tide (Time)

And my soul has been psychedelicized (Time)

Popcorn acknowledged Sharif’s fragile state.

“He has been blindsided by this showing, and the Russians have no patience for the Baker Way,” she said, referring to his rather unconventional approach to the game. “They’ve driven him to a deeper search for the team’s truth.

“It’s my job to produce. And one thing that shuts up a comrade, is a decisive win — that and three fingers of vodka. We’ll give them both this weekend.”

THE RESURRECTION OF STUMPY LEGG Former Bakers coach thankful for second chance

Coach Legg (inset) uses the team's mascots to motivate Matt Forte and the other RBs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

The morning dew is still on the grass at the Black Dogs practice facility in East Nashville as running back coach Stumpy Legg puts his charges through a light workout in advance of their game with the Cambridge Animals. For Legg, it's a longtime ritual.

"I've been coachin' all my life," the former head coach of the 12th Avenue Bakers said. "It hurt, it hurt real bad, when [Bakers owner] G.Q. Denney [QCurl Sharif] fired me while I was hospitalized in a coma. But what hurt most was being out of coachin'. 

"The day Coach [Jim] McMahon found me working as a parking attendant at Grey Goose Stadium and offered me a job coaching East Nashville's running backs was the happiest day of my life. After eight years away from the game, I'm back doing the thing I love most."

Under Legg's tutelage, the Black Dogs have the NFFA's most productive stable of backs. Matt Forte leads the way with the third highest number of points among running backs, followed by Fred Jackson (No. 6), Darren Sproles (No. 8), DeMarco Murray (No. 9) and Bilal Powell (No. 14).

"Stumpy has inspired his guys," McMahon said. "The three starters [Forte, Sproles and Murray] are contributing over 25 percent of our scoring."

While Legg is thankful to the Black Dogs head coach for his second chance, he doesn't hold it against Sharif for firing him after the 2003 season. 

"We all knew G.Q. — he hadn't become QCurl Sharif yet — we all knew he was unpredictable," he said. "I was having an affair with Faith Popcorn at the time and you wouldn't believe some of the stories she told about the crazy [expletive] he used to do. Of course, he was always on something, so he was usually addled. He made a lot of crazy draft picks, then blamed me when we lost. 

"Looking back on it all, it was a blessing Q fired me," Legg concluded. "Now I'm with the Black Dogs and competing for a ring."

BLACK DOGS DEDICATE GAME TO FALLEN ICON Passing of Spy inspires team

Spy, 1999-2013

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

In an inspired speech to the East Nashville players at the team breakfast this morning, head coach Jim McMahon exhorted the Black Dogs to "win one for Spy," the AWP has learned.

McMahon was referring to the beloved canine companion of team owner William D. Money who passed away on Friday. Spy was one of the original black dogs who inspired the team's name. He was 14 years old at the time of his death.

The Black Dogs' opponent this weekend is the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and according to a team official present at the breakfast, McMahon invoked the large victory over the Sea Hogs five years ago at The Dawg House in his address to the team. "When the Sea Hogs came to our house in 2008, there was a mauling," the head coach said. "And I know Spy would have wanted there to be a mauling again today — after all, he personally chewed on some Sea Hog butt that day five years ago." By the time the coach was done, the Black Dogs players were jumping around, chest-bumping and "barking."

It was on opening weekend five years ago when a "Bring Your Black Dog to the Game" promotion went horribly wrong, resulting in approximately 50 black dogs getting into the stands and mauling most of the Sea Hogs fans in attendance. It was speculated at the time that Money's own dogs were involved in the attack, and Money himself was captured on television laughing as the mauling took place. McMahon's speech seemed to confirm that the team owner's dogs were involved.

The team official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Motor, the one surviving original black dog, would be on the sidelines during the game today to provide further inspiration. 

BUBBAS HIRE BELL Radio legend assumes play-by-play duties

Broadcasting legend Art Bell is the 'Bubbas' new play-by-play announcer.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas have announced the hiring of longtime radio host Art Bell as the new play-by-play announcer for broadcasts of the team’s games. Bell will also host a Bubbas-inflected Around the NFFA call-in show via the team’s new satellite radio network.

Bell became famous for hosting late-night radio call-in shows that became a mecca for fans interested in everything from extraterrestrial visitations to alleged government cover-ups of the Kennedy assassination. After an absence from the airwaves for several years, he recently returned to host his own program again on Sirius Satellite Radio.

“Nobody in the world of broadcasting is more attuned to the sensibilities of the NFFA and Beelzebubbas fans than Art Bell,” said team VP of Operations Chuck Barris in making the announcement at a news conference Friday afternoon. “When Dr. Linardo found out we had an opportunity to hire a living legend in radio, he got on the phone and made It happen in less than a day.”

Bell, who joined the press conference via satellite from his home at an undisclosed location in the Mojavé Desert, said he was excited to be part of the Bubbas’ organization. “The truth is out there,” Bell said. “I believe Dr. Linardo is dedicated to discovering it and finding a way to ingest it.”

According to terms of the agreement, Bell will deliver the play-by-play of Bubbas’ games from his California home, where he will see the action on the field via satellite. Barris will continue to provide color commentary from the pressbox at Colt 45 Stadium.

“I’m totally stoked,” Barris said. “This is going to be epic. As El Jefé was saying last night, we may have to create a special fan zone in the stadium that we call Area 51.”

FINALLY, GREEN JOIN 200-POINT CLUB Last NFFA franchise to gain membership

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

MIDTOWN NASHVEGAS—It took eight years, but with their dominating 209-137 victory over the 12th Avenue Bakers last weekend, The Village Green franchise finally joined the rest of the league in the no-longer-exclusive 200-Point Club. That, however, did not make the celebration any less jubilant for owner Dave Goodrow and his team. 

Goodrow celebrates 200 with a "friend."

"We're glad to finally break the 200-point mark," Goodrow said by cell phone last night from his popular Midtown nightclub, the Goodrow-A-Go-Go." And although we were the last franchise to do it, we plan to be the first franchise to do it on consecutive weekends." The Green are visiting the Cambridge Animals and are 77-point favorites at the Club Gitmo Sports Book.

Goodrow went on to say he had to explain to a number of his closest friends what the 200-Point Club is. "Apparently, they had heard from [Downtown Corsairs owner] Mojo D it was something gay."

Besides being the last to make it into the 200-Point Club, the franchise also holds the distinction of having 200 points scored on them the most times, six — five times when they were known as the Alamo Scouts, and once since moving to Midtown and becoming The Village Green. 

West Nashville, which holds the single game scoring record of 233.5 points, is the only franchise to have never had 200 points scored on them. "It ain't never gonna happen neither, baby," said Beelzebubbas head coach Jerry Glanville.

There have been 20 scores of 200 points or more in the history of the NFFA, all occurring after Commissioner William D. Money pioneered the league's definitive scoring philosophy of "a yard is a yard is a yard" in 2005. The East Nashville Black Dogs topped the 200 plateau twice in 2005 and once in 2006, then in 2007, the Beelzebubbas, Bakers, Midtown Mojo (now known as the Downtown Corairs) and Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs all achieved membership in the club. The Black Dogs also topped 200 again that season, and lead all franchises with seven scores of 200 or more points. The Sea Hogs are second with five.

The following is the complete list of 200-point scoring:

The 200-Point Club
1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
6. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
7. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
8. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
— East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
10. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)

11. The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

12. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
13. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
 — East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Corsairs)
15. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Animals)
— Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
17. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
18. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)
19. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
20. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs) 

Corsairs to Retain Name for 2013 Season

Jack White had been widely believed to be the next name on the mercurial championship franchise. Instead, Corsairs Owner Mojo D took out a restraining order on the rocker after the naming deal fell apart.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network
It appears that the much ballyhooed name change for the Corsairs is not to be, at least for this season. In a recent court filing, Corsairs owner Mojo D filed a restraining order against Nashville rock 'n roll icon Jack White. The two had been in negotiations for naming rights to the team for 2013 season, which will play its games on the roof of the new Music City Center in downtown Nashville.

It all started rosy for Jack White and Mojo D; near the end of 2012 season, White was on the sidelines during  the Corsairs' championship run. Their relationship reached a high point during the championship celebration when White and Mojo D got on stage together to play their song "I'd Rather Be Lucky (Than Good) (Any Day)," a tune inspired by the team's philosophy. 

During the off-season, the pair entered negotiations for White to purchase the naming rights to the team for the upcoming season. The two apparently had settled on the name Jack White Rhinos, but  problems emerged when they had to decide on a logo. (Note: Mojo D's early career included a stint as a designer - one source familiar with his work described him as "a pornographic genius.")

"The first ideas were fairly typical," according to Corsair's media diva Rosetta Stone, "there was a caricature of a rhino with the Jack White hairdo and several other clever ideas. But one day Jack arrived at the negotiations with the drawing of what he thought the logo should be: the white rhino character forcibly raping a amalgam fantasy creature of all of the NFA franchise mascots. "

Mojo D was fine with that, although understandably concerned about the reaction he would get from the league, especially Meemaw Murrman. But just when they were about to sign the papers to finish the deal , White produced a new set of drawings that show him forcibly raping the corpse of Dan Auerbach from the Black Keys."

"There had been some ugly back-and-forth, and that was just too much for Mojo D. He stood up, said 'we're done here,' started to walk out, and Jack White put himself between Mojo D and the door, brandishing the red Airline guitar that he gifted Mojo D in happier times."

Sources say that new Corsairs coach Ray Lewis was in the draft war room when he heard the commotion. "Ray Ray came in the room the way he used to come out of the tunnel. Jack was mesmerized, dropped the guitar and led his entourage out of the room," the anonymous source confirmed. "I have never seen Mojo D so pleased - he and coach shared a glance and threw their heads back in silent laughter."

Reached on the road in Mississippi, Mojo D confirmed "everything in the court filing is true. There's a lot more to the story, but so much is personally hurtful that it's hard for me to process. It would not surprise me if this had been an elaborate ploy by another owner or owners to distract me from the team's championship repeat run. Money warned me: 'there's a target on your back, but now you can tell 'em all to f*ck off and look at the ring.' Now it's back to business as the Corsairs - don't forget your 2012 Championship souvenir items at the Pro Shop!"

The restraining order was filed by noted divorce attorney Rose Palermo, who told FSN "I had all the paperwork ready from Karen (Elson, White's ex-wife), so it was easy. But when I got a call from my dear friend Lorena Murrman to help Mojo D, I walked the complaint down to the courthouse myself. "