NEW CORSAIRS COACH MAKES RYMAN CAMEO

Yusuf Islam, aka Cat Stevens, had a surprise for the audience at The Ryman Auditorium last night: new Downtown Corsairs coach Jack White.

By HEYWOOD JABLOME
United Web Press International

Trump's Green No. 1 in L division.

The Downtown Corsairs offices were a hubbub of activity last week. Guitars were being moved in for new coach Jack White, players were cut, and air fresheners were being installed to rid the room of the STINK of an awful 1-2 start. 

"And now the new coach is spending time on the stage of the Ryman?" That's what The Donald wondered aloud as he left the Mother Church Tuesday evening after a performance by Yusuf Islam, nee Cat Stevens, that featured a cameo by White.

"Cat's music is amazing," Trump continued. "Let me tell you something, it's HUGE. But to see the Corsairs coach on stage? I'm loving every minute of this loser wasting his time. My 2-1 start is amazing."

The Trump campaign team was clear to note that watching Yusuf was in no way endorsing Islam.

ANIMALS TRY TO REVIVE 2Q SYSTEM New pickup Terrelle Pryor plays three positions, including QB

New Animals wide receiver Terrelle Pryor moves behind center on some snaps.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Back in 2009, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal introduced his now-infamous "2Q" system, so-named because it featured two quarterbacks in the Animals' starting lineup, something they achieved by hacking the NFFA's computer system. The league's cyber security experts quickly closed the backdoor to the system that DTA had used to implement the 2Q, but now seven years later, the Animals are again trying to circumvent the intent of league rules by fielding more than one quarterback.

Yesterday afternoon, Cambridge GM Wilder the Animal added free agent wide receiver Terrelle Pryor to the Animals' roster after noticing that in addition to playing receiver, Pryor was taking snaps at quarterback, as well as playing some running back. When reached for comment by the AWP, and asked specifically if he was trying to revive his father's 2Q system, WTA said, "What's that? I've never heard anything about [2Q]." 

While it is true the wunderkind who led the franchise to its first NFFA title last season had not yet joined the team in 2009, his claim of ignorance is hardly credible. DTA has often boasted publicly of "pioneering the 2Q offense" in the time since WTA became the team's general manager. 

When the AWP caught up with Commissioner Jim McMahon at league headquarters and asked if he planned to take action as commissioner to stop the Animals from having two quarterbacks in their starting lineup, McMahon said, "I'm NFFA commissioner?"

More on this story as it develops.

Corsairs Sack Megatron;Name Jack White CoachMojo D: "It's the NFFA: it's never too early to panic"

New Corsairs Coach Jack White and GM Mojo D plan to "bring the crown back to Pie Town," referring to the tiny slice of downtown Nashville which contains White's Third Man records compound.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN
After a "stupendously awful" 0-2 start, the Corsairs fired new coach Megatron suddenly this week. During a brief media availability streamed on the web, the team introduced Jack White as its coach, who said: “since I'm taking some time off the road, I've been studying. Now I know more about fantasy football than all the generals."

Corsairs' new PR Minister Angelica Schuyler said “the team has been going through the unimaginable: an 0-2 start, and the lowest point total in the league. A change was necessary, and we’re looking for a mind at work. Jack White fits the bill - if this team has just a fragment of his mind, it will be enough.” White has a long - sometimes tempestuous - relationship with Mojo D, but says they are of a single purpose in this endeavor. "We're bringing the crown back to Pie Town!"

The Corsairs headquarters has also relocated to White’s Third Man space, and the team is planning regular gatherings in the famous Blue Room.

Questioned about the timing of the sudden move after only two weeks of the 2016 season, an uncharacteristically quiet Mojo D said only "this is the NFFA: it's never to early to panic."

In strange and unrelated news, the Corsairs also announced a new partnership with A-ighta Hater Tots, because, according to Schuyler: “man cannot live in the NFFA on Haterade alone."

  

GM LYNCH TO COACH DOGS

East Nashville GM Marshawn Lynch decided to coach the team this season.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a press release distributed to local and national media at 10 a.m. CDT, East Nashville GM Marshawn Lynch announced he has decided to coach the team himself this season. 

In the release, Lynch said the reason he made his decision was he couldn't find a coach "who wants to run through a muthafucka's face," so he asked himself, "What would Buddy do?" — a reference to the late Black Dogs GM, Buddy Ryan. "Buddy coached the team himself for two years," Lynch continued, "so I'm gonna coach the team for at least this season."

Breaking news IT'S ON Commissioner McMahon kicks off NFFA's 15th season of play

Commissioner Jim McMahon answers a question at this morning's press conference.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Commissioner Jim McMahon held a press conference early this morning to commemorate the start of the NFFA's fifteenth season. Standing in front of the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas and flanked by deputy commissioner Meadow Soprano, the new commissioner praised the league's longevity.

"Though it doesn't seem like it's been a decade and a half, it is an undeniably great accomplishment that we stand here today to kick off the fifteenth season of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association," McMahon began, reading from prepared remarks. "Most fantasy leagues don't make it to the five-year mark, and we have tripled that since our launch in 2002. 

"On top of that, five of the eight original founding franchises — the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the Cambridge Animals, the East Nashville Black Dogs, the London Bakers, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — are still in the league," the commissioner continued. "The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs have been part of the league since our third season — which also was my first year in the league when I was an assistant to Stumpy Legg for the Bakers. The Downtown Corsairs have been in the league eight years and the Village Green have been in the league for five years, so we have not only enjoyed longevity, but also stability.

"So with all that said, it's my great pleasure to say in regards to the start of the 2016 season tonight: IT'S ON!"

McMahon then opened the floor to questions. After a few innocuous queries about the forthcoming season, local sportswriting legend Woody Larry asked a pair of questions that gave the press conference a dramatic turn.

"Mr. Commissioner, I have two questions," Larry said. "First, do you think it is appropriate for you to place wagers on NFFA games? There are eyewitnesses who say they saw you try to place a bet on The Village Green earlier this week at the Club Gitmo Sports Book when there was a severely inflated line — the Green were getting 166.7 points against the Black Dogs at the time.

"These same eyewitnesses say they also saw Black Dogs owner Bill Money and GM Marshawn Lynch arrive with a satchel full of cash and try to get bets down on the Green, as well," Larry continued. "So my second question is do you think that it's appropriate for team owners and executives to bet against their own teams?"

Seemingly unperturbed by the questions, McMahon calmly said, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Woody, and I'm pretty certain I have never been to a sports book at a place called Club Gitmo." At that point, Meadow Soprano quickly stepped to the podium and whispered in McMahon's ear. Then she said to the gathered media, "That's all for today, the commissioner is late for an appointment." Then McMahon and Soprano hurriedly went inside the NFFA Tower. 

Observers couldn't help but be left with the impression the commissioner was ducking Larry's questions. Efforts by the AWP to reach McMahon after the press conference were unsuccessful. 

More on this story as it develops.