SECRETARY OF STATE 'STILL A SEA HOGS FAN' Clinton also says Mojo D still wanted for questioning regarding his terrorist connections

The nation's chief diplomat  during her NFFA heyday.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

WASHINGTON—The office of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement this afternoon declaring her continued allegiance to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, the NFFA franchise she helmed for most of the 2008 season.

The Secretary of State was responding to a News Wire story earlier in the day that quoted Corsairs owner Mojo D as describing Clinton as a Corsairs fan who attended all the home games on the NFFA Corsair last season. The story also claimed the nation's chief diplomat intervened on his behalf with her colleagues at the State Department.

"Let me state unequivocally that I am and always will be a Sea Hogs fan," Clinton said in the official release. "The time I spent working for the franchise is among my fondest memories. After my old friend Dr. Jorge Linardo appointed me to run the team, I fell in love with the franchise and Fidalgo Island. No matter what corner of the planet I might be in, if it's football season, I'll be following the Sea Hogs."

The statement continued: "I have never met Mojo D, nor have I ever been to a Corsairs game, so I have no idea where he got the idea I'm a Corsairs fan," the cabinet secretary said. "But I did intervene in Mojo D's case at the request of his wife, the Pompatus of Love, who is a dear friend of my husband Bill. According to Bill, she wants him 'put away for good,' so after consulting Dr. Linardo, I've asked my staff to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.

"In addition, we were able to confirm that a man using the name Mojo D. Jones is in the U.S. on a diplomatic passport from Iceland, but I can state with certainty that the State Department had nothing to do with arranging the passport in question."

The statement concluded with a direct appeal from Clinton to the Corsairs owner. "I ask Mojo D to surrender himself to the FBI office in Nashvegas at once for questioning," she urged.

Efforts to reach Mojo D were unsuccessful. More on this story as it develops.

CORSAIRS SURGE TO 4-0, SWEEP JORGE DIVISION

Corsairs Coach Sean Payton is enjoying his time away from the NFL

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

After notching another "ugly, ugly win," coach Sean Payton is undefeated against Jorge Division opponents. The 2012 campaign mirrors the Corsairs' 2011 playoff season when they opened with a 4-game sweep through the Jorge.

On a rare Monday off, GM Mojo D gathered the media at Corsair Distillery for a sit-down with team officials and star performers. Asked about the 4-0 start, Payton said: "No one is more surprised than me — I see what this guy (Mojo D) means by "rather be lucky than good any day": we've only cracked a buck-fiddy once, and beat some strong opponents on their off days. But it's a helluva way to spend a year in exile!"

The Corsair Artisan spirits flowed, and Payton shared some of his experience working for the mercurial Mojo D, including a black eye. "Yeah, he loves an old-fashioned fistfight to resolve disagreements — this one was over Leon Washington. He won that one, and I'm glad he did — I think I understand the Leon juju over the Bubbas now. There was no reason on paper for us to win that game, and Leon proved his value by inspiring the team. I suggested some other good luck charms, like my authentic, voodoo mojo hand, but he freaked out and was ranting something about "the monkey curse." But I'm a Leon believer - he may only play in two games this season, but he has a home here..."

And Leon Washington may be a necessary play since the Corsair locker room at the Marathon Metrodome looks like an ER. "Can you name another team that's had its top 3 draft picks on the injury list this early in the season?" Mojo D asked. "Of course you can't, but I'm sure (Commissioner William D.) Money will look it up. Still, here we are with a 2-game lead in the division, so I can't possibly complain. We've been active on the (waiver) wire, so we have some bench moving forward in the season."

The Corsair GM was oddly lucid, despite the steady flow of Corsair experimental, barrel-aged gin. It has been a big change from last year's "season at sea" aboard the luxury NFFA Corsair — necessitated by Mojo D's uncertain status with the U.S. Dept. of State. In the off-season, Corsairs fan Hilary Rodham Clinton intervened on Mojo D's behalf, and he now is back in the states on a diplomatic passport from Iceland. "Hilary didn't miss a home game on the boat — we would even navigate to be closer to her."

As Mojo D's voice trailed off in a misty, watercolor memory, he called for "another round for the ink-stained wretches!" and the week 4 Corsair media salon morphed into a whiskey-soaked "Black & White" jam session with Dan Auerbach and Jack White.