FSPN
The NFFA media horde received an interesting text message on Christmas Day from Ballers’ owner/GM Mojo D: “Celebrate the Ballers’ playoff victory at the Linardo Lounge on Boxing Day. Don’t miss it - WILL BE WILD.” Here we go…
7:00
Rhonda Santis is warming up the crowd with the off-color trolling and observations that are making my new FSPN colleague a rising star - no NFFA team is spared, and the crowd is getting loosened up with tonight’s playoff signature cocktail: the Ballers “Bold”-Fashioned. At the center of the room, a shirtless, dreadlocked Rasta stoked the pride of the Linardo Lounge: The Avalo: an industrial hookah named for Avalokiteshvara, the thousand-armed Bodhisattva of Compassion. Bushels of OG Kush are turning into a thick miasma that is levitating the crowd hitting the thousand pipes.
7:25 pm
Mojo D welcomes the assembled throng to the Linardo Lounge - he is wearing a Santa outfit, a 4-day beard and impossibly bloodshot eyes. “Friends, enemies, hangers-on and of course, the one and only Rhonda Santis: I am so glad we are all here together to celebrate another Ballers trip to the NFFA Championship game. This marks the team’s seventh trip to the finals in the last 10 seasons - whether Corsairs or Ballers, my teams are built for the playoffs. We have only missed one playoff in the past decade, and this is when the team rises to the moment.
“I realize the semifinal game is not yet complete, but I have never been known for my patience. I have all the respect I can muster for Lex Dominica and the Daddies: they had a terrific regular season, but in the end, Lex is still on a quest for 'one for the thumb' - he's gotten close twice now -- but it’s hard to overcome a 3-INT defensive day, plus season highs from my WRs. And Joe Burrow: good God, y’all! Come on up here, Joe Cool!”
Burrow took the dais to raucous applause - many of the attendees wandered down from the Club Gitmo Sports Book, where Burrow is a hero for his uncanny ability to cover. Mojo D threw his arm around his QB, grabbed the mic and suddenly got emotional. Through choked-up tears, the Ballers GM said “this guy was clutch all year - he is latest link in a chain of excellence that has defined this Dynasty for over a decade. Yeah, I said it: the ‘D word’ - is there anything else you would call a team that wins more championships over the last ten seasons? This isn’t just some drunken ranting - well, actually it is, but it is also facts, man! The data tells you all you need to know!!”
The Monday night game was kicking off, and Mojo D added: “Derwin James is taking us over the 200 mark tonight: get the kitchen working on that 2-Hundy platter for the Ballers.” Ballers PR advisor Rosetta Stone whispered in his ear, and he quickly added: ”oh, and the Bubbas can pick up theirs at the takeout window.”
8:18 pm
(At right: Mojo D caught in a vulnerable moment)
Mojo D is raging in a bad way — Derwin James flagged on successive plays. On the second one - a clearly illegal shot to the head — James was ejected after a personal foul flag. The penalty drops the Ballers from 201.2 points to 199.7. LB Bobby Wagner (“the heart and soul of the Ballers” said Mojo D) loses his shit after promising the team’s first 200-point game in 2022: “that dirty motherf*cker: I will completely f*ck him up next week: it don’t matter that we both play defense!” Burrow went to calm him down without much success.
Mojo D sulks into the corner - he’s mumbling about “missing a 2-hundy because of that dirty punkass sack of shit”). The Add/Drop window is open on his laptop - James is highlighted.
Aides guide him to an spare arm of The Avalo, and after a few minutes with the Ballers faithful and a few puffs of dank bud, he returns and is generously glazed. “That sucks - I won’t lie. There’s something magical about 200 and we have been over 197 twice this season, but we are still moving on to the Championship - I can only pray that Goodrow and the Green take as much care next week with their lineup as they did this week” (the Green started DB Cameron Dantzler, who was listed Inactive on Saturday).
9:28 pm
The fourth quarter of a lackluster Monday game is underway, and Linardo Lounge is LIT. It looks like a fog machine has malfunctioned and the floor is sticky with bourbon, Christmas candy, sweat and other bodily fluids. Mojo D has chosen this particular moment to do a needle drop: the game goes off the 42 screens around the room, a spotlight goes up on a disturbingly disheveled Mojo D, who intones into the mic amid screeching feedback: “friends, I can’t wait any longer to whip this thing out…”
The crowd gasped as Mojo D reached into the waistband of his Santa suit and pulled out a remote control, which he pressed dramatically. Confetti showered the crowd and a ginormous shroud descended from the ceiling; fireworks go off, the shroud drops to reveal a giant logo:
Mojo D continues: “Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else too, I bring you the next generation of fantasy-sports programming: FSPN. From quality content about every fantasy sport’s studs and scapegoats, to comprehensive, compulsive coverage on every form of gambling, FSPN is the fantasy fanatic’s voice and the official network of the greatest league in the history of sport: the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association. We are pleased to announce that programming will launch January 1st with a live feed of the 2022 NFFA Championship!”
On second thought, they should have done the fireworks first: there are small fires throughout the Lounge where the sparks have ignited the confetti.
10:22 pm
It’s official! The Ballers will play their Divisional nemesis, the Village Green, for the 2022 NFFA Championship in Week 17. To add to the drama, the game will not be decided until next Monday, when Burrow, Tee Higgins and the Ballers wrap up the 2022 season in the final matchup of the week. Asked for comment, Mojo D offered a snarl and slurred in his best Tony Montana voice: “We kept Lex from getting his ‘one for the thumb’ AGAIN, and now we’re gonna crush up the Green like the fragile little cockaroaches they are - Woodrow, Goodrow, Stuart Smalley, the whole f*ckin’ lot of ‘em!” He tilted his head back, laughed silently and then passed out into the arms of the mysterious Miss Lee-Yhn, aka the Pompatus of Love and purported muse of the Ballers franchise. She directed Wagner, Burrow, and the Smiths (Roquan and Devonta) to "get him back to the Bitcoin Bunker: chop-chop! And for the rest of the you," she said, smiling sweetly, "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here."
The Linardo Lounge soundtrack shifts to a groovy lo-fi downtempo sound, the lights come up a little and the stoned masses head for the exits (actually, most of them are heading back to the Sports Book - rumors are that Saddam is feeling generous with his west-coast NBA spreads).
An epic start to NFFA Championship Week - stay tuned to FSPN!
