detained as terrorists at Bachannal VIII.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
When former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi took over the duties as official planner last month, he promised “a Bacchanal that would make the penis of Bacchus himself engorge with blood.” Judging from the reaction of nearly 80,000 revelers who jammed Centennial Park and beyond last week, Berlusconi may have been right. The eighth annual Bacchanal to the Future, hosted as always by the 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas, appeared to be everything fans expected, plus one or two things they didn’t.
The unexpected arrived in the form of what apparently was intended as a terrorist attack, thwarted thanks to quick action by the Sikh bodyguards who often accompany Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. The security team apprehended two brothers, identified as Wayne Earl and Earl Wayne Breedlove, attempting to enter the park around 3 p.m. Saturday in a Plymouth Voyager van filled with ammonium nitrate. The van had bumper stickers and window flags bearing the logo of the Midtown Mojo, the team that relocated this year to the South China Sea as the Corsairs. According to one source, the Breedloves attempted to pass themselves off as participants in Sharif’s all-zombie nativity scene, an annual holiday favorite at the park. Authorities are investigating possible links between the would-be bombers and Corsairs owner Mojo D.
“My sweet lord, if that thing had gone off, it would have been bigger than the fireworks show last time Shiva was here,” said former FBI Director Louie Freeh, a Bacchanal devotee who donates his time as security coordinator for the event. “We might have had 50,000 dead people. What Chinese monster would think of such a thing?"
However, toxic fumes from the van managed to enter the Party Til You Die tent, killing three visitors and a goat, fulfilling partially, at least, the mission statement of the NFFA. Revelers inside were confused, believing the odor to be from that of a mobile meth lab, donated to the tent from the Cambridge franchise, and realized too late that this was another high altogether. At this reporting, all victims were still dead.
The foiled attack, however, had no obvious effect on the partygoers, who seemed to be blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. The Ramones, who were midway through “The KKK Took My Baby Away” at the time of the incident, continued playing on the Pompei Stage, closest to where the attackers were apprehended, continued playing. In fact, the only disruption to the performance came when Freeh had the power to the stage cut shortly after the band launched into the opening chords of “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg.” After a brief and apparently heated consultation between Freeh and members of the band, a reanimated Joey Ramone yelled “Einzweidreivier!” and took off on “I Wanna Be Sedated,” which the lead singer afterward said was dedicated to Sharif.
“For understandable reasons, Mr. Sharif asked that there be no chimpanzee references in the music this year,” Freeh explained later. “We want to respect that, and unfortunately the Ramones either didn’t get the memo or didn’t care. It’s all good now.”
When awakened on Wednesday and told of the attempted bombing, Sharif personally thanked his security chief Khan I. Singh and the members of his Sikh praetorian guard. “They’re the best in the business, baby,” an animated Sharif told reporters later. “If Muammar had listened to me, he’d still be president of Libya.”
“In fact, he only time that idiot ever listened to me was when Faith and I suggested the Gaddafi line of blue jeans — which by the way were a huge hit in the West and still quite collectible. I saw a few pair at the Treehouse this weekend — they’re made entirely from recycled hemp.”
Despite the thwarted attack, the event was marred, as usual, by a celebrity death. Because the chariots traditionally used in the Bacchanal chariot race had been impounded by police as evidence in the Bobberhead Lodge investigation, organizers adopted an idea proposed by Hank Williams Jr. to use tractors, which Williams called “farm chariots,” instead. After rounding turn three at the Centennial Park Hippodrome, the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs and Williams were “Tokyo-drifting” their tractors when Bocephus’ street-modified Massey-Ferguson 1135 spun out of control and ran over honorary flagman Jason Aldean. Aldean’s death was ruled a suicide. There are no current plans to reanimate the singer, although Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn said, “We are keeping all options open.”
At 11 a.m. on Saturday, the Bacchanal began on schedule with the traditional “birth of Venus” reenactment at the Centennial Park Bandshell. Gwyneth Paltrow, who served as this year’s co-Grand Marshall with Berlusconi, performed the role of Venus, and rode in a chariot driven by Kevin Bacon to the Parthenon’s west side, where emcee Haven Hamilton officially opened the event with the Pledge of Allegiance.
Bacon’s band accompanied Paltrow on several songs from her Country Strong film soundtrack, then they turned over the stage to Bacchanal first-timer Ted Nugent, who rocked the crowd with “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Free for All,” and “Kiss My Glock.” After the conclusion of “Wango Tango,” on which he was joined by Hank Jr., Nugent launched into a rambling diatribe against what he called “attempted world socialist domination” by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and the “gay-future agenda” of Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.
As a chorus of boos was heard from the restless audience, Haven Hamilton — dubbed MC Partystarter by younger Bacchanal performers — stepped in and ushered Nugent offstage with the help of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team. Hamilton took the mic and told the crowd that, while he agreed with many of Nugent’s views, “the Bacchanal is about the party party, not the political party.”
“I think that between the Sikhs and the Fruit of Astarte, we’ve proven to the city that we can police ourselves,” Sharif told members of the local FOP gathered at Rotier’s for one of the many Bacchanal kickoff luncheons. “In fact, we’ve proven ourselves as judge and jury, too. Public hangings and the like have always been a part of our tradition. Of course, we frown on contributing to the deaths of participating celebrities — with the exception of Aldean maybe, and of course the periodic sacrifice — it’s hard on booking.”
With that, Hamilton welcomed the day’s first reanimated performer, legendary Chicago bluesman Willie Dixon, joining Dixon and his All-Stars on “Wang Dang Doodle.” Soon after, Hohenwald resident Jim Morrison made it a trio for “Back Door Man.” The crowd roared as Hamilton screamed, “The men don’t know, but the little girls understand,” and as he had promised, the party was on.
The unexpected arrived in the form of what apparently was intended as a terrorist attack, thwarted thanks to quick action by the Sikh bodyguards who often accompany Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. The security team apprehended two brothers, identified as Wayne Earl and Earl Wayne Breedlove, attempting to enter the park around 3 p.m. Saturday in a Plymouth Voyager van filled with ammonium nitrate. The van had bumper stickers and window flags bearing the logo of the Midtown Mojo, the team that relocated this year to the South China Sea as the Corsairs. According to one source, the Breedloves attempted to pass themselves off as participants in Sharif’s all-zombie nativity scene, an annual holiday favorite at the park. Authorities are investigating possible links between the would-be bombers and Corsairs owner Mojo D.
“My sweet lord, if that thing had gone off, it would have been bigger than the fireworks show last time Shiva was here,” said former FBI Director Louie Freeh, a Bacchanal devotee who donates his time as security coordinator for the event. “We might have had 50,000 dead people. What Chinese monster would think of such a thing?"
However, toxic fumes from the van managed to enter the Party Til You Die tent, killing three visitors and a goat, fulfilling partially, at least, the mission statement of the NFFA. Revelers inside were confused, believing the odor to be from that of a mobile meth lab, donated to the tent from the Cambridge franchise, and realized too late that this was another high altogether. At this reporting, all victims were still dead.
The foiled attack, however, had no obvious effect on the partygoers, who seemed to be blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. The Ramones, who were midway through “The KKK Took My Baby Away” at the time of the incident, continued playing on the Pompei Stage, closest to where the attackers were apprehended, continued playing. In fact, the only disruption to the performance came when Freeh had the power to the stage cut shortly after the band launched into the opening chords of “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg.” After a brief and apparently heated consultation between Freeh and members of the band, a reanimated Joey Ramone yelled “Einzweidreivier!” and took off on “I Wanna Be Sedated,” which the lead singer afterward said was dedicated to Sharif.
“For understandable reasons, Mr. Sharif asked that there be no chimpanzee references in the music this year,” Freeh explained later. “We want to respect that, and unfortunately the Ramones either didn’t get the memo or didn’t care. It’s all good now.”
When awakened on Wednesday and told of the attempted bombing, Sharif personally thanked his security chief Khan I. Singh and the members of his Sikh praetorian guard. “They’re the best in the business, baby,” an animated Sharif told reporters later. “If Muammar had listened to me, he’d still be president of Libya.”
“In fact, he only time that idiot ever listened to me was when Faith and I suggested the Gaddafi line of blue jeans — which by the way were a huge hit in the West and still quite collectible. I saw a few pair at the Treehouse this weekend — they’re made entirely from recycled hemp.”
Despite the thwarted attack, the event was marred, as usual, by a celebrity death. Because the chariots traditionally used in the Bacchanal chariot race had been impounded by police as evidence in the Bobberhead Lodge investigation, organizers adopted an idea proposed by Hank Williams Jr. to use tractors, which Williams called “farm chariots,” instead. After rounding turn three at the Centennial Park Hippodrome, the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs and Williams were “Tokyo-drifting” their tractors when Bocephus’ street-modified Massey-Ferguson 1135 spun out of control and ran over honorary flagman Jason Aldean. Aldean’s death was ruled a suicide. There are no current plans to reanimate the singer, although Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn said, “We are keeping all options open.”
At 11 a.m. on Saturday, the Bacchanal began on schedule with the traditional “birth of Venus” reenactment at the Centennial Park Bandshell. Gwyneth Paltrow, who served as this year’s co-Grand Marshall with Berlusconi, performed the role of Venus, and rode in a chariot driven by Kevin Bacon to the Parthenon’s west side, where emcee Haven Hamilton officially opened the event with the Pledge of Allegiance.
Bacon’s band accompanied Paltrow on several songs from her Country Strong film soundtrack, then they turned over the stage to Bacchanal first-timer Ted Nugent, who rocked the crowd with “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Free for All,” and “Kiss My Glock.” After the conclusion of “Wango Tango,” on which he was joined by Hank Jr., Nugent launched into a rambling diatribe against what he called “attempted world socialist domination” by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and the “gay-future agenda” of Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.
As a chorus of boos was heard from the restless audience, Haven Hamilton — dubbed MC Partystarter by younger Bacchanal performers — stepped in and ushered Nugent offstage with the help of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team. Hamilton took the mic and told the crowd that, while he agreed with many of Nugent’s views, “the Bacchanal is about the party party, not the political party.”
“I think that between the Sikhs and the Fruit of Astarte, we’ve proven to the city that we can police ourselves,” Sharif told members of the local FOP gathered at Rotier’s for one of the many Bacchanal kickoff luncheons. “In fact, we’ve proven ourselves as judge and jury, too. Public hangings and the like have always been a part of our tradition. Of course, we frown on contributing to the deaths of participating celebrities — with the exception of Aldean maybe, and of course the periodic sacrifice — it’s hard on booking.”
With that, Hamilton welcomed the day’s first reanimated performer, legendary Chicago bluesman Willie Dixon, joining Dixon and his All-Stars on “Wang Dang Doodle.” Soon after, Hohenwald resident Jim Morrison made it a trio for “Back Door Man.” The crowd roared as Hamilton screamed, “The men don’t know, but the little girls understand,” and as he had promised, the party was on.
