By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
NASHVEGAS—In a move that promises to upend the long-established power structure within the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association, Commissioner William D. Money announced today that Eudora “Meemaw” Murrman has been named deputy commissioner.
Murrman, the grandmother of Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, spoke at a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon at the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas.
After conspicuously placing her infamous cast iron skillet and pruning shears on the podium, the 76-year-old matriarch read from prepared remarks. “Firstly, I want to thank Bill Money for giving me this opportunity. Through my grandsons, of course, I’ve known about the NFFA from the beginning — and it was a mess then.
“But now, this gol-durn league is is like the wreck of the Hesperus,” she continued. “Just look at the ownership situation and the culture. One of the owners is dead, and his ghost is dead, too. Another one suffers from a family curse. One owner boasts about being a giant in the methamphetamine business. Two of the owners have dated that little vamp Lindsay Lohan. One has been involved with pagan gods like Allah and Shiva and exploits zombies for his own gain. Another has been in treatment for several years for PTSD — Prosthetic Testicle Stress Disorder. Then there’s the owner who moved his franchise to the South China Sea because of threats to his life by his own fans — and maybe because he might be gay. And the general manager of the current champions was arrested as a gay prostitute in New Orleans while posing as priest. I could go on and on. Merciful heavens, they were running a girlie club on the first floor of the NFFA Building when I came in for my interview.
“So the first order of business,” Murrman concluded, while brandishing her shears, “will be pruning some of the bushes, if you know what I mean. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some cutting to do.”
Observers were scrambling to discern how league politics were behind the surprise hiring of Murrman, but they noted that self-appointed NFFA Director of Security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bompensiaro had not been seen since her arrival.
More details will follow as they become available.
In other NFFA News:
Murrman, the grandmother of Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, spoke at a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon at the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas.
After conspicuously placing her infamous cast iron skillet and pruning shears on the podium, the 76-year-old matriarch read from prepared remarks. “Firstly, I want to thank Bill Money for giving me this opportunity. Through my grandsons, of course, I’ve known about the NFFA from the beginning — and it was a mess then.
“But now, this gol-durn league is is like the wreck of the Hesperus,” she continued. “Just look at the ownership situation and the culture. One of the owners is dead, and his ghost is dead, too. Another one suffers from a family curse. One owner boasts about being a giant in the methamphetamine business. Two of the owners have dated that little vamp Lindsay Lohan. One has been involved with pagan gods like Allah and Shiva and exploits zombies for his own gain. Another has been in treatment for several years for PTSD — Prosthetic Testicle Stress Disorder. Then there’s the owner who moved his franchise to the South China Sea because of threats to his life by his own fans — and maybe because he might be gay. And the general manager of the current champions was arrested as a gay prostitute in New Orleans while posing as priest. I could go on and on. Merciful heavens, they were running a girlie club on the first floor of the NFFA Building when I came in for my interview.
“So the first order of business,” Murrman concluded, while brandishing her shears, “will be pruning some of the bushes, if you know what I mean. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some cutting to do.”
Observers were scrambling to discern how league politics were behind the surprise hiring of Murrman, but they noted that self-appointed NFFA Director of Security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bompensiaro had not been seen since her arrival.
More details will follow as they become available.
In other NFFA News:
NFFA bounty scandal
As the NFL so often mirrors the NFFA, it was no surprise when the league front office discovered evidence of bounty programs with league franchises. The biggest bounty program was operated by the Cambridge Animals and aimed exclusively at the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.
Animals linebacker Derrick Johnson put season-ending hits on two Sea Hogs running backs — Darren McFadden and Matt Forte — and received nearly a million dollars from Dave the Animal’s bounty pool, which is rumored to have totaled $25 million. It seems Dave the Animal has long harbored a powerful grudge against the "so-called Hogs of the Sea," as he refers to them — since 2005, in fact, the year DTA say's Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber "stole Peyton Manning."
During its investigation, the league learned that every team except The Village Green had bounty programs. The commissioner’s office is considering penalties against The Green for their failure to compete fully and for conduct detrimental to the spirit of the league. The 12th Avenue Bakers had what has to be the most surprising bounty program. It seems when it became apparent the Bakers had a chance to lose their way to the first pick in this year’s draft, QCurl Sharif began paying his defensive players to injure the team’s key offensive players.
New nightspot opens at former Jojo A-Go-Go location
West Nashville GM Jorge Linardo has opened a new nightclub in Hillsboro Village on the site of the former Jojo-A-Go-Go, which was destroyed in 2009 by an explosion and fire. Linardo is calling the club the Goodrow-A-Go-Go and has made a gift of the deed to the club to Goody Goodridge, owner of The Village Green, whom Linardo affectionately calls “Goodrow.”
A small private VIP opening was held recently at the club and a number of local luminaries were in attendance, such as NFFA commissioner William D. Money, attorney Adam Dread, councilwoman Megan Barry, Ke$ha, Jim McMahon, the ghost of the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs and artist James Threalkill, as well as out-of-town guests, including Heather Graham, Tiki Barber, Michael Strahan, Weird Al Yankovic and Alyssa Milano.
During the reception, a beaming Goody received an unexpected gift via special delivery courtesy of The Corsairs and 12th Avenue Bakers franchises — a chimpanzee named Gonzo. The Green owner seemed extremely pleased with the gift until the ghost of the ghost of Biggs explained to him about the monkey curse which had afflicted a number of NFFA franchises, and which had resulted in Biggs' own death at that very spot. “I tried to get to him before he shook the monkey’s paw, but the room was too crowded, so I didn’t get there in time,” the ghost of the ghost of Biggs said. “So it looks like the curse has been activated.”
QCS: The man who buys Haterade by the tanker truck (and has the trophies to prove it)
The seventh annual Hater of the Year awards were held March 31 at the Loew’s Vanderbilt Plaza and the main prize has yet to have more than one home. Once again, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif took home the Golden Finger trophy as “Hater of the Year,” giving him one for every day of the week. An added pleasure for Sharif was that for the seventh year running his “hated” rival Mojo D, owner of The Corsairs, was the Golden Finger bridesmaid.
During the awards ceremonies which were televised on the internet, a group of protesters from the Forget to Hate organization led by East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon were gathered outside the hotel, bearing signs that read, “Hate is for Losers.” When asked for a comment, McMahon said, “I not only forgot to hate, I forgot why I’m here.”
For his part, Sharif has embraced the hate — the Bakers are the only team in the league that sells Haterade at their stadium. At the awards show after party held at The Cherry Bomb Cafe, Sharif was overheard telling Lady Gaga and Saddam Hussein, “I guess I forgot to forget to hate. I guess if I had a better memory, I wouldn’t be a winner.”
QCS Enterprises launches Sprint Cup team
The AWP has learned that QCurl Sharif’s QCS Enterprises has started a Sprint Cup team and has landed Haterade as the major sponsor for the ride. The car will bear the number 666 and will be driven by a zombified Richard Petty, whom Sharif had killed so he could reanimate NASCAR’s winningest driver at his Zombie Corral facilities in Howenwald, Tenn.
“I fondly recall the period in which Vince Lombardi’s zombie led the Bakers, and I thought that would be a good idea in terms of selecting a driver for our Sprint Cup team,” Sharif said via phone.
When it was pointed out that Petty had been alive prior to being murdered at Sharif’s request, Sharif called that “a mere technicality.” Continuing, he explained, “I have Richard’s written consent to kill him and reanimate him so he can get back on the circuit and add to his win totals. I think he’ll kick ass and eat brains.”
Sharif also mentioned that SodBakers Lawncare, a subsidiary of QCS Enterprises, and Methlon Enterprises will be secondary sponsors of the 666 car. Methlon is owned by Cambridge Animals head Dave the Animal.
Breaking story: Sharif arrested with Britt at Fort Campbell
The AWP has learned that Bakers’ owner QCurl Sharif was arrested along with his team’s star wide receiver, Kenny Britt, last week outside the gates of the Fort Campbell military post. Britt was charged with driving under the influence, while Sharif was charged with public intoxication, disorderly conduct and impersonating a military officer.
According to military sources who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly, Britt and Sharif were stopped while attempting to enter the military base just after 2:30 a.m. on July 26. Sharif told guards that he had received a personal phone call from President Barack Obama, who instructed him to purchase a surplus army helmet, line it with aluminum foil, then drive to Fort Campbell, where he was to take over command of the 101st Airborne Division. Sharif also insisted that Obama had called him again while he was en route to the base and ordered him to take LSD.
While Britt’s DUI charge was made public, sources said that there had been no public notice of Sharif’s arrest because the charges against him were dropped several hours later based on orders from a General George Washington Leonard. The general arrived with a small fleet of black SUVs, and the troubled Bakers owner was remanded into his custody.
Pressed by reporters, the White House issued an official “no comment” on Sharif’s claims Tuesday morning. Authorities could not explain why Sharif believed he had been ordered to Fort Campbell, but at least one official speculated that Sharif had been the victim of a prank phone call, noting that a check of his cell phone records revealed that he received a call on the evening of July 25 from a number in Cambridge, Mass.
Efforts to reach Sharif have so far been unsuccessful.
