‘I’M STRAIGHT!’ Cutler announcement shocks Animals, Boston media

Animals quarterback Jay Cutler announced over the weekend he's a "straighty."

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Following Jay Cutler’s surprise announcement over the weekend, the New England sports world — to say nothing of the affected team — is abuzz about the implications of having an openly heterosexual player in the Cambridge Animals locker room.

Cutler becomes the first Cambridge player ever to publicly declare his heterosexuality.

“Deep down, I think most of my teammates knew,” Cutler said in a press conference. “It’s just the little things sometimes — like when I’d drop the soap in the shower, I wouldn’t pick it up. I’d go out and get a new bar of soap instead. But after a while it felt like I was living a lie, and I just need to be honest about who I am. I don’t think I’m the only ‘straighty’ on this team, and I can guarantee you DTA (Cambridge owner Dave the Animal) doesn’t think that, either.”

“We’re still processing this,” said Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan on FSN’s SportsNight. “I mean, we all knew the probability that a closeted heterosexual had been on the Animals at some point. But for someone on this particular team to have the courage to come out, that’s huge.”

The announcement was all the more notable, media analysts agreed, considering the blistering heterophobic slurs by DTA captured on video during a post-game rant and released to the media last month.

Cutler’s announcement appeared to raise as many questions as it settled. For example, some team officials wondered aloud whether female sports reporters could have access to the Animals’ locker room with a known heterosexual present.

Others speculated about the implications for DTA’s vaunted reputation for developing quarterbacks. “Would DTA have devoted so much effort to Cutler had he known he was straight?” reflected a member of the team who, for obvious reasons, asked that his name not be used. “And are guys going to be comfortable with someone who might look at us in the shower and not be attracted? These are some serious questions.”

The day after Cutler’s announcement, a group of Animals’ fans had already launched a new website, DumpCutler.com, which had received more than 3,000 “likes” on Facebook.

“We respect the lifestyle choices of our players, even if those choices don’t reflect the norms of our city and fans,” said the Animals in written statement released to the media. “We’re more concerned with what happens on the field.”

“The Animals have always stood behind their players,” said an official in the Bakers organization, who also requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak. “I guess now we’ll find out if that’s just because they’re gay.”

SHARIF ‘TAKES GEORGE HOME’ Riders escort country legend to Hohenwald; Jones booked for Baccahanal

George Jones's funeral procession of riding lawnmowers.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Led by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Vice President Joe Biden, a mile-long procession of riding lawnmowers — one of them towing a coffin with the body of George Jones inside — escorted the country legend to a not entirely final resting place today.

Thousands of mourners lined the route along State Highway 100 as the hastily organized cortege made its way from Nashville to Centerville and continued down Highway 48 to Hohenwald, where a spot had been reserved for Jones at Sharif Victory Memorial Gardens. 

Jones's mobile casket.

The lawnmower procession was conceived by Sharif as a tribute to a well-remembered event in Jones’ life. After his wife had taken his car keys in an effort to keep him from driving drunk, Jones drove his riding lawnmower several miles to a liquor store.

“That kind of determination in the face of adversity is really the spirit of the Bakers,” Sharif said to the riders as they embarked on their trip.

The volunteer riders began assembling overnight outside the Cherry Bomb Café as the public began hearing of plans for the funeral escort. “I’m so glad QCurl did this,” said BakerNation superfan Bill Cheatham, who sat atop his John Deere D140. “When you think about it, the lives of both George Jones and QCurl have been like country songs. I’m a Baker fan because I’m a George Jones fan.”

“As QCurl likes to say, ‘Death is not the end,’” said Jason Ringenberg, who delivered one of three eulogies in Hohenwald. “This is just the beginning of the latest comeback in George Jones’ career. In fact, this fall he’s going to be doing something he always wanted to do — perform at the Bacchanal.”

At that point, the crowd of riders and other mourners erupted in cheers. A phone call to the offices of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, which organizes the festival, confirmed that a contract had been received from Jones’ management obligating the reanimated singer to appear at Bacchanal X. 

“I’m sure it will take several months for him to get his voice in performance shape,” said Bubbas’ Executive VP of Fan Happiness Chuck Barris. “But we’re absolutely expecting him to be there live in November.”