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| (Clockwise from upper left) Joe Biden, Bill Clinton and Snoop Lion were among the international dignitaries who attended the memorial service for QCurl Sharif. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Mourners filled Grey Goose Stadium Thursday as more than 70,000 people paid their final respects to QCurl Sharif, the 12th Avenue Bakers owner who was declared dead last month.
In what was surely the largest memorial service in NashVegas history, surpassing several times over the crowd in Bridgestone Arena that memorialized NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, celebrities, international dignitaries and ordinary fans alike came together in mourning for the owner who, in the words of Vice President Joe Biden, was “the moral center and the life’s blood of the most storied fantasy league in history.”
Biden, who spoke briefly, appeared to hold back tears as he described Sharif as “a joker and a smoker and a midnight toker and, above all, a friend.” The Vice President also served as one of the honorary pallbearers — there was no casket since Sharif’s body has not been recovered — along with former President Bill Clinton, Little Jimmy Dickens, Nate Newton, actor Johnny Depp, Bakers coach Rob Bironas, former coaches Snoop Lion and Stumpy Legg, a reanimated Steve McNair, and NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo.
A funeral procession that stretched for eight city blocks began at Sharif’s Cherry Bomb Café — scene of many of his highest highs and lowest lows — and moved slowly down 12th Avenue to “The Goose,” a half-mile away. Leading the throng was a kilt-clad zombie honor guard from Hohenwald, which played “The Green, Green Grass of Home” on bagpipes.
The procession also included a delegation from Zuni Pueblo, New Mexico, where Sharif maintained a “spiritual retreat”; the Fedayeen Bakers from the Nashville Islamic Center; six of the remaining NFFA team owners; former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, who made a rare public appearance; French president Francois Hollande; and U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon (who announced that Sharif had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in Ukraine). Despite temperatures above 90 degrees, Dr. Linardo walked the entire route of the procession, holding the hand of Sharif’s now orphaned son, Curl Baby.
Conspicuously absent from the proceedings was Beelzebubbas owner Mos Ded, who said that he “could not in good conscience come to a funeral for someone who isn’t dead.” Ded has insisted for the past three weeks that, although he could not prove it, he believes that Sharif is still alive. “He and that chocolate magnate from Ukraine are probably sitting in a dacha somewhere with a sheet of brownies throwing down Touchdown Tasers® and watching it all on CNN,” said Ded, who recalled how he, Sharif, Saddam and Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon watched Saddam’s supposed execution from a booth in the Cherry Bomb.
Also absent was NFFA Commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murmann, who league officials said was recovering from an unspecified illness at her ranch near Alamo, Texas.
Dr. Linardo, who had been attending the World Cup in Brazil, where he organized a moment of silence for Sharif before the Mexico-Brazil match on Tuesday, was the subject of controversy after Russia’s ambassador to Brazil was found hanged in the shower of his Sao Paulo hotel suite. The ambassador had been seen sitting near Linardo in the VIP section of the stadium during Tuesday’s match.
Russian diplomats quickly pointed suspicious fingers at Linardo, noting that beloved Bakers mascot Mr. TD also was found hanging in a hotel shower and suggesting that, in revenge for Sharif’s apparent death in Ukraine, Linardo ordered a hit on the ambassador that would look like a suicide.
Yesterday, a second Russian diplomat, a deputy consul in Sebastopol, Ukraine, also was found mysteriously hanged at his residence. Beside his body was a taped recording that appeared to contain gibberish until played backwards, when a voice could be heard slowly intoning, in English, “I buried Curl.” Ukrainian police, aided by an FBI forensics team sent to the scene by President Obama, were said to be investigating the tape.
After the service inside the stadium began, former Bakers coach Vince “Dead” Lombardi delivered the eulogy, in which he called Sharif “the finest man I have ever known, the man who gave me another chance in life. I don’t want to go on being dead in this world,” Lombardi continued, “if QCurl isn’t in it.”
Later, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal offered his own tribute, a reading of “O Captain, My Captain,” by Walt Whitman, whom DTA described as “my favorite homosexual poet.”
Organizers of the memorial service reportedly were flooded with requests from artists who wanted to offer musical tributes at the service. Sod Bakers president Nate Newton, who says he is interim general manager of the team, said there was no way to accommodate them all. In the end, only two performers played. Sharif’s old friend Warren Zevon performed “I Was in the House When the House Burned Down,” a song from his “Life’ll Kill Ya” CD that he wrote with Sharif in the aftermath of the fire that consumed the second incarnation of the Cherry Bomb.
Later, thousands wept openly as Sir Paul McCartney played an acoustic version of “Yesterday,” whose application to the Bakers’ fortunes was not lost on the mourners in the stadium.
After McCartney’s performance, a stage that had been erected at midfield was cleared. A procession of groundskeepers with torches then marched onto the field, which had been replanted in the spring with the Sod Bakers’ experimental new hemp-based hybrid turf known as HighPerformance.™ As the grass erupted into flames, a strong aroma of cannabis inundated the stadium, and up rose a plume of smoke that astronauts could see from the international space station.
“It was pretty cool how they turned The Goose into the world’s largest pipe,” said 12South activist Roz Tefarian. “If the Bakers’ Olympic bid goes through, you’ve just seen a preview of the opening ceremonies.”
Organizers originally had planned to close the memorial with a tribute by Levon Helm, who had been reanimated specially for the occasion. Helm was to lead the crowd in singing “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down,” one of the songs that traditionally closes the annual Bacchanal to the Future. Instead, the service ended in chaos.
The penultimate item on the program was to be the unsealing and screening of a video that Sharif apparently had prepared to be viewed after his death. Following Sharif’s written instructions that accompanied the video, organizers did not watch the tape before showing it at the memorial. Had they previewed it, they might have prevented a riot.
The crowd watched intently as Sharif appeared on screen and said, “If you’re watching this, it probably means I am no longer living, although stranger things have happened.
“But if I am dead, it is probably because Mojo D had something to do with it, and if you’re watching this video at my funeral, and Mojo D is at that service, please honor my memory by wiping the shit-eating grin off his choirboy face.”
Sharif appeared to go on, but his voice was drowned out by a roar of the crowd that began surging toward the stadium’s luxury boxes, where Mojo D and Corsairs coach Ray Lewis had been sitting. Moments earlier, however, Biden’s Secret Service detail whisked the Vice President, along with Mojo D and Lewis, into a secure, private elevator that took them directly to a bombproof bunker and tunnel complex — the site, in happier times, of the Bakers’ annual draft night costume gala. Following a half-mile underground road through which they had entered the stadium, the group escaped the area unnoticed.
In the stadium, meanwhile, chaos reigned for more than hour before riot police arrived with tear gas. Fedayeen Bakers led chants of “Death to the Corsair infidels! Death to Cambridge anal rapist heretics! Allahu Akh-Baker!” Preliminary estimates of damage to the stadium from the riot were in excess of $5 million.
“We were in unknown territory there for a while,” said Baker Superfan Bill Cheatham. “Then we had the fan riot, and it felt just like old times in Bakerville.”
FSN Sports
Mourners filled Grey Goose Stadium Thursday as more than 70,000 people paid their final respects to QCurl Sharif, the 12th Avenue Bakers owner who was declared dead last month.
In what was surely the largest memorial service in NashVegas history, surpassing several times over the crowd in Bridgestone Arena that memorialized NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, celebrities, international dignitaries and ordinary fans alike came together in mourning for the owner who, in the words of Vice President Joe Biden, was “the moral center and the life’s blood of the most storied fantasy league in history.”
Biden, who spoke briefly, appeared to hold back tears as he described Sharif as “a joker and a smoker and a midnight toker and, above all, a friend.” The Vice President also served as one of the honorary pallbearers — there was no casket since Sharif’s body has not been recovered — along with former President Bill Clinton, Little Jimmy Dickens, Nate Newton, actor Johnny Depp, Bakers coach Rob Bironas, former coaches Snoop Lion and Stumpy Legg, a reanimated Steve McNair, and NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo.
A funeral procession that stretched for eight city blocks began at Sharif’s Cherry Bomb Café — scene of many of his highest highs and lowest lows — and moved slowly down 12th Avenue to “The Goose,” a half-mile away. Leading the throng was a kilt-clad zombie honor guard from Hohenwald, which played “The Green, Green Grass of Home” on bagpipes.
The procession also included a delegation from Zuni Pueblo, New Mexico, where Sharif maintained a “spiritual retreat”; the Fedayeen Bakers from the Nashville Islamic Center; six of the remaining NFFA team owners; former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, who made a rare public appearance; French president Francois Hollande; and U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon (who announced that Sharif had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in Ukraine). Despite temperatures above 90 degrees, Dr. Linardo walked the entire route of the procession, holding the hand of Sharif’s now orphaned son, Curl Baby.
Conspicuously absent from the proceedings was Beelzebubbas owner Mos Ded, who said that he “could not in good conscience come to a funeral for someone who isn’t dead.” Ded has insisted for the past three weeks that, although he could not prove it, he believes that Sharif is still alive. “He and that chocolate magnate from Ukraine are probably sitting in a dacha somewhere with a sheet of brownies throwing down Touchdown Tasers® and watching it all on CNN,” said Ded, who recalled how he, Sharif, Saddam and Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon watched Saddam’s supposed execution from a booth in the Cherry Bomb.
Also absent was NFFA Commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murmann, who league officials said was recovering from an unspecified illness at her ranch near Alamo, Texas.
Dr. Linardo, who had been attending the World Cup in Brazil, where he organized a moment of silence for Sharif before the Mexico-Brazil match on Tuesday, was the subject of controversy after Russia’s ambassador to Brazil was found hanged in the shower of his Sao Paulo hotel suite. The ambassador had been seen sitting near Linardo in the VIP section of the stadium during Tuesday’s match.
Russian diplomats quickly pointed suspicious fingers at Linardo, noting that beloved Bakers mascot Mr. TD also was found hanging in a hotel shower and suggesting that, in revenge for Sharif’s apparent death in Ukraine, Linardo ordered a hit on the ambassador that would look like a suicide.
Yesterday, a second Russian diplomat, a deputy consul in Sebastopol, Ukraine, also was found mysteriously hanged at his residence. Beside his body was a taped recording that appeared to contain gibberish until played backwards, when a voice could be heard slowly intoning, in English, “I buried Curl.” Ukrainian police, aided by an FBI forensics team sent to the scene by President Obama, were said to be investigating the tape.
After the service inside the stadium began, former Bakers coach Vince “Dead” Lombardi delivered the eulogy, in which he called Sharif “the finest man I have ever known, the man who gave me another chance in life. I don’t want to go on being dead in this world,” Lombardi continued, “if QCurl isn’t in it.”
Later, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal offered his own tribute, a reading of “O Captain, My Captain,” by Walt Whitman, whom DTA described as “my favorite homosexual poet.”
Organizers of the memorial service reportedly were flooded with requests from artists who wanted to offer musical tributes at the service. Sod Bakers president Nate Newton, who says he is interim general manager of the team, said there was no way to accommodate them all. In the end, only two performers played. Sharif’s old friend Warren Zevon performed “I Was in the House When the House Burned Down,” a song from his “Life’ll Kill Ya” CD that he wrote with Sharif in the aftermath of the fire that consumed the second incarnation of the Cherry Bomb.
Later, thousands wept openly as Sir Paul McCartney played an acoustic version of “Yesterday,” whose application to the Bakers’ fortunes was not lost on the mourners in the stadium.
After McCartney’s performance, a stage that had been erected at midfield was cleared. A procession of groundskeepers with torches then marched onto the field, which had been replanted in the spring with the Sod Bakers’ experimental new hemp-based hybrid turf known as HighPerformance.™ As the grass erupted into flames, a strong aroma of cannabis inundated the stadium, and up rose a plume of smoke that astronauts could see from the international space station.
“It was pretty cool how they turned The Goose into the world’s largest pipe,” said 12South activist Roz Tefarian. “If the Bakers’ Olympic bid goes through, you’ve just seen a preview of the opening ceremonies.”
Organizers originally had planned to close the memorial with a tribute by Levon Helm, who had been reanimated specially for the occasion. Helm was to lead the crowd in singing “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down,” one of the songs that traditionally closes the annual Bacchanal to the Future. Instead, the service ended in chaos.
The penultimate item on the program was to be the unsealing and screening of a video that Sharif apparently had prepared to be viewed after his death. Following Sharif’s written instructions that accompanied the video, organizers did not watch the tape before showing it at the memorial. Had they previewed it, they might have prevented a riot.
The crowd watched intently as Sharif appeared on screen and said, “If you’re watching this, it probably means I am no longer living, although stranger things have happened.
“But if I am dead, it is probably because Mojo D had something to do with it, and if you’re watching this video at my funeral, and Mojo D is at that service, please honor my memory by wiping the shit-eating grin off his choirboy face.”
Sharif appeared to go on, but his voice was drowned out by a roar of the crowd that began surging toward the stadium’s luxury boxes, where Mojo D and Corsairs coach Ray Lewis had been sitting. Moments earlier, however, Biden’s Secret Service detail whisked the Vice President, along with Mojo D and Lewis, into a secure, private elevator that took them directly to a bombproof bunker and tunnel complex — the site, in happier times, of the Bakers’ annual draft night costume gala. Following a half-mile underground road through which they had entered the stadium, the group escaped the area unnoticed.
In the stadium, meanwhile, chaos reigned for more than hour before riot police arrived with tear gas. Fedayeen Bakers led chants of “Death to the Corsair infidels! Death to Cambridge anal rapist heretics! Allahu Akh-Baker!” Preliminary estimates of damage to the stadium from the riot were in excess of $5 million.
“We were in unknown territory there for a while,” said Baker Superfan Bill Cheatham. “Then we had the fan riot, and it felt just like old times in Bakerville.”
