'Hostile' Linardo Paternity Claim Disputed

Winehouse, shown here with CurlBaby, is distraught over Linardo's latest claim.
By Noble Peace, The Daily Worm

Nashville -- The NFFA draft is less than 24 hours old and those ancient rivals — the 12th Ave. Bakers and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — have already set the tone for the 2011 season. In fact, the two were at it a few weeks ago, when the Beelzebubbas' front office declared that they would love to play the Bakers 14 times this season.

And, while many pundits took it as early, good-natured ribbing, there were those in the league who recognized the sinister nature of the comment. Each year the two titans square off in the league's marquee weekend known as the Bacchanal (though they play twice each season). Some claim that the designated weekend trumps the league's very championship game and had ensured the NFFA's survival during leaner times.

The game has shut down Nashville on more than one occasion as authorities have been prompted to declare a state of emergency to deal with the South's largest music and re-animation festival, as well as the largest gathering which honors Shiva in the Western hemisphere.

Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif responded that there "wasn't enough liquor, drugs or sex toys" in town to accomodate such a request. Privately, he fumed to then-dead paramour Amy Winehouse that he would have revenge on his divisional rival.

"QCurl went off that night at the Cherry Bomb," Bakers' head coach Snoop Dogg said. The supreme rapper and winningest coach in Baker history was taking a break from recording at the hip new Studio Q located at the site of the old Becker's Bakery building on 12th Avenue. "And then he purposely snubbed Jorge by witholding an invitation to his birthday party Monday night at the Treehouse."

Reports are that after a personal call was placed on behalf of Linardo to Sharif that the ban was lifted, and later, the venerable league icon was spotted at his regular table, purportedly straining under the weight of a "Mt. Kilimanjaro" special. All seemed well, and the very alive Winehouse was seen laughing and toasting the table in the presence of Sharif.

But, prior to Tuesday's draft, visitors to the Beelzebubba's official website were stunned to learn that Linardo had posted the claim that he is, in fact, Sharif's father. The claim has touched off a firestorm within the Bakers' front office.

Winehouse, in particular, is distraught. Not only has she recently undergone a personal transformation under Sharif's care, but has reportedly given birth to his son. According to Dogg, she has gone into a tailspin, heartbroken that she may have inadvertently brought the two franchises together forever in actual flesh and blood. According to Dogg, the prospect of future repercussions within the league may be too much for her to bear.

"Amy is all about love," Dogg said. "She's in a crazy place. And, this is bustin my groove, too. I needed her to lay down some shit here before the season hits. QCurl just walks around in here crying and laughing and hittin the medicine. This aint cool right before the Atlanta game. I got enough problems gettin the Bakes on!"

Sharif and Winehouse are mum about the claim publicly, but are privately denying it any credence. The Bakers' lawyers are looking into all scenarios, informed sources say.

Corsairs Prepare for NFFA Launch

Corsairs replace the former Mojo (L-R): an undated, unconfirmed photo of owner General Lee-Yhn; (inset) Darek Bell, who purchased naming rights to the team and its stadium; Corsairs logo; coach Cee-Lo Green

By Soren Bernyn

Fantasy Sports Network

Ending months of speculation and rumor, the team formerly known as (Midtown) Mojo re-launched itself over the weekend simply as “Corsairs” at a lavish media junket on the Chinese island of Macau. The team has a re-vamped front office, new logo, and an outspoken new coach, Cee-Lo Green, whom it appears will be the face of the organization. He replaces the disgraced and indicted Mojo D, who remains the team’s GM, but was uncharacteristically quiet during the event.

The team has made a “complex, multi-faceted deal” with Nashville-based Corsair Artisan Distillery, which has naming rights to the team’s stadium, as well as the team itself. Green said “we love Corsair – they’ve made us rich already this season, and their Red Absinthe, with its floral notes, is a fantastic 21^st-century adaptation of the hallucinatory wormwood concoction. We are just hoping to keep Mojo D out of it during the draft.”

Corsair’s artisan spirits flowed freely at the sky casino at Wynn Macau, where the team is based – largely because of the team’s new owner, a shadowy Chinese warlord known as General (or Comrade) Lee-Yhn. During the off-season, former owner Sheikh Yrbouti sold the team to Gen. Lee; reached by satellite phone in his desert compound, Yrbouti said “he made me an offer I could not refuse, plus he also purchased a large option on oil futures. It was – how do you say – a no-brainer.”

Lee did not attend the proceedings, but according to Media Relations Director Rosetta Stone, the “raging popularity” of the NFFA in the world’s most populous country “made the move a no-brainer.” The weekly lottery for tickets to Corsairs “home” games is expected to greatly expand the team’s coffers – Stone declined to give specifics, but it is clear that it stretches into a weekly seven-figure windfall.

Stone also declined comment on the commonality of the new owner’s name and the team’s former muse, Miss Lee-Yhn, the Pompatus of Love, saying only “do you have any idea how many people named Lee live in China?” Still, the question remains.

Other questions also remain: where exactly will the team play? Because of his indictment on unspecified charges, Mojo D could be taken into custody anywhere that is American soil; but there is no indication of a permanent home for the team. Sources tell FSN that a massive construction project is underway in the Chinese port city of Chongdu, and team officials have assured the league that there will be a Corsairs venue when the season starts.

Corsair Artisan Spirits founder and distiller Darek Bell smiled when asked about the stadium and said “it is an entirely unique venue that will cater to the high-end NFFA fan, but I can’t say much more than that. I can say that the bars in all the luxury suites will feature a full complement of Corsair Artisan spirits. Could I interest you in a tumbler of our Triple Smoke Whiskey? The Chinese love this stuff!” He went on to say that the naming rights are a big part of Corsair’s push into China: “they have a growing high-roller class with tons of cash and a thirst for the western lifestyle – it’s a no-brainer for Corsair.”

Despite the profusion of “no-brainer” decisions surrounding Corsairs (which is an old term for “gentleman pirate,” as well as an ill-fated 1960s American sedan), the selection of Cee-Lo Green as the team’s coach is a head-scratcher. Mojo D’s one comment at the media event was about Green: “Cee-Lo has exactly the right attitude to succeed in this league, and it is summed up succinctly in his huge hit from earlier this year: ‘Fuck You’. He brings that same in-your-face-ness to his coaching, and I expect the team will respond.”

Green echoed Mojo D’s comments and added: “this is a new adventure for me – I’ve followed the NFFA closely for years, and this crazy-ass bunch of unhinged muthafuckas is just right for my brand of competition.”

The Corsairs open their season against the East Nashville Black Dogs.