MONEY BRUSHES OFF BOBBER, REST OF NFFA

This hallway leads to Commissioner Money's state-of-the-art, underground
security bunker deep beneath the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas.

MONEY BRUSHES OFF BOBBER, REST OF NFFA
‘Le decider, c’est moi,’ commissioner says

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a move that threatens the delicate imbalance of the league, Commissioner William D. Money not only has rebuffed fellow owner Triki Bobber’s concerns about the NFFA’s point-scoring system but suggested that he alone will determine this year’s champion.

According to three separate sources who have seen and spoken with Money in the NFFA’s underground command center in downtown Nashville, the commissioner plans to impose an unprecedented $10 billion fine on Bobber for questioning his judgment and authority. “If I’m not right, then the terrorists win,” Money was overheard to say.

On Wednesday, after receiving a formal petition from Bobber to add points for tackles by offensive players — along with a threat from the Sea Hogs to sue the NFFA — Money rejected Bobber’s claim that scoring under the new Fanstar system would preserve all of the features of Bobber’s beloved Sandbox system used in previous years. On Thursday, Bobber produced evidence that Money had poured bleach on the contract to obscure the written guarantee.

Money, who has not been seen in public in three weeks, was overheard to say that the guarantee was irrelevant. “My opinion has changed,” Money told aides, who requested anonymity for fear of their personal safety. “The facts on the ground have changed. As a wartime commissioner, I have the power to overrule rules that are not in our best interest. I have to make lots of decisions every week.”

According to the aides, when he learned of Bobber’s concern that the uncounted points could tip the outcome of close games or even the NFFA Championship, Money said, ominously, “Looks like he’s under the delusion that points alone will decide the championship.”

Then, apparently paraphrasing France’s Louis XIV, he turned to two of his team’s black dog mascots, Cerberus and Muerte, and added, “Le Decider, c’est moi.”

Meanwhile, Money’s retreat to the underground command center has created speculation around Nashville. 12 South activist and professional psychic Roz Tefarian has set up a booth outside the NFFA Tower offering predictions for when “Commissioner Groundhog” will emerge. “If he sees his shadow, she warned, “the world will end in fire.”

Others took a more entrepreneurial approach. At the sports book on the mezzanine level of the Cherry Bomb Café, oddsmakers were offering opportunities to wager on when Money would reappear and which team would benefit most from the commissioner’s edicts. “I won’t claim to have inside information,” said head bartender Devlin Redd, “but I just put $100 on the Bakers.”

BIGGS HEADS TO PAKISTAN

West Nashville's Boyd X. Biggs only joined the war on terror a few days ago, but
he has already contributed to the war's lexicon. The three dead Taliban fighters
shown here were declared officially "X-ed" by Biggs and his band of commandos.

BIGGS HEADS TO PAKISTAN
Beelzebubbas owner joins war on terror, ‘Cheap publicity stunt,’ says Mojo D


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

Saying he was going to do his part on the war on terror until the team won again, West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner and coach Boyd X. Biggs abruptly left Nashville Tuesday morning and flew to Pakistan.

Accompanied by team consultant Chip Linardo, media relations director Wiley Peyote, marketing director Chuck Barris and 200 Blackwater security personnel, Biggs boarded a chartered C-130 for Lahore, Pakistan.

Wide receiver Andre Johnson, currently on injured reserve, was named interim player/coach.

Via satellite phone from Lahore, Biggs said that his group would operate from North Waziristan, a Taliban stronghold where Osama bin Laden is rumored to be hiding. Biggs vowed to remain there and to kill 100 Taliban each day until his team won again.

After setting an NFFA record for points scored in week 2, the Bubbas have dropped two straight games by a total of 3.5 points.

“We’re getting back to our roots,” Biggs said. “We’re looking on this as a management retreat.”

Asked how they would identify Taliban fighters, Biggs said that all members of his group would wear shirts inscribed in Arabic with the words “Muhammad sucks donkey dicks.” Anyone who reacted negatively to the shirts, Biggs said, would be recognized as Taliban and shot.

In addition, he said, the group planned to “put a dent in the poppy crop.”

According to unconfirmed reports, Biggs was operating under the auspices of General George Washington Leonard, who has led Special Forces teams in Afghanistan. Beelzebubbas’ acting media liaison Maryjane Livingood said that Raytheon Corp., which manufactures the Patriot missile, had underwritten the expenses of the venture in return for being named Official Corporate Sponsor of the “Rolling Thunder 2007 Tour.”

Some NFFA owners, notably GQ Denney, were supportive of Biggs. “I know the past two weeks have been frustrating for X,” Denney said Wednesday. “Plus, he sort of made a deal with Beelzebub to win the championship that first season, and he’s been paying for it ever since. You’d think the naming rights would’ve been enough, but the Dark Lord works in mysterious ways. I think Biggs feels like killing a few hundred terrorists will change his luck and put him right with God. That ain’t how the Bakers roll, but good luck to him.”

Other owners, however, were skeptical. Mojo D of the Midtown Mojo, for one, denounced the trip as a “cheap publicity stunt” to drive up TV ratings. “He’s going to come back and say this makes him America’s Team,” Mojo D said, “and we’re not buying it.”

“There’s plenty of people that need killing over here,” said Dave the Animal, whose Cambridge team will face the Beelzebubbas this week. “I question his need to go over there. We think he’s trying to duck us.”

“Hell, I could have slept on top of a billboard until we won if I was just looking to pull a publicity stunt,” Biggs responded. “We wanted to give back to the community.”

From his underground command center beneath the NFFA Tower, Commissioner William D. Money ordered all league teams to observe a moment of silence before kickoff on Sunday for the success of Biggs’ expedition and his group’s safe return.