security bunker deep beneath the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas.
MONEY BRUSHES OFF BOBBER, REST OF NFFA
‘Le decider, c’est moi,’ commissioner says
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
In a move that threatens the delicate imbalance of the league, Commissioner William D. Money not only has rebuffed fellow owner Triki Bobber’s concerns about the NFFA’s point-scoring system but suggested that he alone will determine this year’s champion.
According to three separate sources who have seen and spoken with Money in the NFFA’s underground command center in downtown Nashville, the commissioner plans to impose an unprecedented $10 billion fine on Bobber for questioning his judgment and authority. “If I’m not right, then the terrorists win,” Money was overheard to say.
On Wednesday, after receiving a formal petition from Bobber to add points for tackles by offensive players — along with a threat from the Sea Hogs to sue the NFFA — Money rejected Bobber’s claim that scoring under the new Fanstar system would preserve all of the features of Bobber’s beloved Sandbox system used in previous years. On Thursday, Bobber produced evidence that Money had poured bleach on the contract to obscure the written guarantee.
Money, who has not been seen in public in three weeks, was overheard to say that the guarantee was irrelevant. “My opinion has changed,” Money told aides, who requested anonymity for fear of their personal safety. “The facts on the ground have changed. As a wartime commissioner, I have the power to overrule rules that are not in our best interest. I have to make lots of decisions every week.”
According to the aides, when he learned of Bobber’s concern that the uncounted points could tip the outcome of close games or even the NFFA Championship, Money said, ominously, “Looks like he’s under the delusion that points alone will decide the championship.”
Then, apparently paraphrasing France’s Louis XIV, he turned to two of his team’s black dog mascots, Cerberus and Muerte, and added, “Le Decider, c’est moi.”
Meanwhile, Money’s retreat to the underground command center has created speculation around Nashville. 12 South activist and professional psychic Roz Tefarian has set up a booth outside the NFFA Tower offering predictions for when “Commissioner Groundhog” will emerge. “If he sees his shadow, she warned, “the world will end in fire.”
Others took a more entrepreneurial approach. At the sports book on the mezzanine level of the Cherry Bomb Café, oddsmakers were offering opportunities to wager on when Money would reappear and which team would benefit most from the commissioner’s edicts. “I won’t claim to have inside information,” said head bartender Devlin Redd, “but I just put $100 on the Bakers.”
