JFK, MARILYN STEAL SHOW AT BACCHANAL X Dead president upstages live Elvis

Pussy Riot rocked the Parthenon Stage at the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Organizers of the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future faced a stiff challenge this year: How do you top previous shows that featured an entrance by the Rolling Stones on elephants, Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton sharing a stage, a re-enactment of the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash, a Beatles reunion facilitated by Shiva the Destroyer of Worlds, and a chariot race won by a reanimated Charlton Heston?

If eyewitness reports and cellphone videos are correct, the festival found a way — by bringing back John F. Kennedy to open the party.

Though rumors had swirled that JFK might make an appearance, the crowd estimated at 120,000 was stunned when people recognized the former president — in his first live public appearance since his assassination 50 years ago — in the opening ceremonies for the lavishly extravagant extravaganza.

In attending the Bacchanalia, Kennedy managed something he rarely accomplished in his lifetime: to steal a show from Elvis Presley, who headlined the event. While the crowd went wild for The King of Rock & Roll, who wore black and appeared svelte, some suggested that his performance was a bit anticlimactic after JFK.

“I’ve been working with an army of Nashville lawyers and Satan’s legal team for years trying to pull this show together,” said a stunned Col. Tom Parker, brought back himself several years ago by festival organizers to fight certain labor unions. “And JFK shows up! I mean, look at Elvis … he hasn’t looked this good since I caught him at The Butter Churn in Vegas with Ann-Margaret.

“But, JFK? No one’s gonna out-stud that! You saw the panties scattered about the Parthenon steps. That’s the type of thing that could turn the South blue again! Of course, Mr. Sharif and Mos’ Ded sign the checks. We would follow The Second Coming for this kind of scratch.”

Marilyn Monroe as Aphrodite.

Kennedy, as co-Grand Marshall, was driven in a chariot by actor Brian Cranston for the traditional rising of Aphrodite — with a reanimated Marilyn Monroe playing the part — in the Centennial Park bandshell. Kennedy and the nude Monroe were then escorted back to the west side of the Parthenon, where they were welcomed by emcee Haven Hamilton.

JFK reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hamilton, who in previous years has always opened the festivities, deferred to Kennedy, who led the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance, then said, “If this party had been around in 1960, I’d have been proud to be its nominee.” He also reminded attendees to observe the proper spirit of the event: “Ask not what this pahty can do fah you,” he intoned in Boston Brahmin accent, “but what you can do fah this pahty.”

At that point, Kennedy added that “Jackie sends her regrets,” and said he had been invited by co-host QCurl Sharif to “come downstairs and find out why we call it the Green Room.” As he exited amid thunderous roars from the crowd, the former president exclaimed, "Today, ich bin ein Beelzebubba! Ich bin ein Baker!"

Lester Chambers of the Chambers Brothers.

As Sharif and JFK descended via an elevator platform built into the stage, Hamilton introduced this year’s new-to-the-Bacchanal opening act, The Chambers Brothers, who performed their big hit from 1968, “Time Has Come Today,” which Hamilton said had been decreed by Sharif as the third Co-Official Bacchanal Theme Song. Monroe, now wearing a white satin evening gown, provided tambourine accompaniment, backup vocals and some of the wild shrieks that were always part of the song’s long psychedelic interlude.

“With the fiftieth anniversary of Dallas and all, getting JFK here just seemed right and important,” said co-organizer Mos’ Ded afterward. “Plus, this is the kind of party he’d have liked to have thrown back in the day if the White House pool area had been big enough. It was the least we could do for him. It was also a very sentimental day for Dr. Linardo. El Jefé said the last party he attended with JFK was the big sendoff bash before the Bay of Pigs.

“And Julia Roberts understood perfectly why, under the circumstances, we asked if we could bump her till next year in favor of Marilyn Monroe. Julia still got to hang with Johnny in the VIP Lounge, so it was all good.”

Almost lost in the historic weekend was the fact that the Bakers pulled a narrow upset over the Bubbas, effectively knocking them from the playoffs, reminding partygoers of the blood coursing in the ancient rivalry.

“It would have helped if we’d had Brees for the whole game,” said Bubbas’ coach Jerry Glanville afterward, referring to the team’s all-star quarterback. “Barris found him at the hookah bar in the Viva Shiva tent in time to get him back for the second half. But this is just a storied part of our organizational culture and tradition. Mr. Sharif and Mr. Ded have always made it clear to us coaches that the game is strictly an optional activity for the players during Bacchanal weekend, and we never want to change that. Let the football chips fall on the field where they may.”

The King!

Presley’s appearance, which occurred as the festival’s final act on day two, had been long rumored after the Beelzebubbas hired Jerry Glanville as their coach during the summer. Earlier in his coaching career, Glanville habitually left two tickets for The King at the will-call window before each game. He introduced him as “the man who changed everything,” before Presley, backed by Paul Schaeffer and his band from The Letterman Show hurled themselves into “Burning Love, “Jailhouse Rock,” “Viva Las Vegas” (sung here as Viva NashVegas) and “Devil in Disguise.” Monroe joined Elvis for a duet on “Love Me Tender” and “Teddy Bear.” The hour-long set was capped off by a rare Bacchanal appearance by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo  — almost unrecognizable in a white sequined suit and long bushy sideburns — who joined Presley on “My Way.” Then, in a surprise, Van Morrison walked onstage and serenaded Elvis with a soaring version of “Tupelo Honey” before The King, backed by The Mighty Clouds of Joy, closed his set with “How Great Thou Art.”

Afterward, Presley was escorted to a lower level of the Parthenon that had been retrofitted for the occasion as a replica of the legendary “Jungle Room” in his Graceland mansion. Holders of the festival’s All Excess passes, which included all but one NFFA owner, joined Presley there for a VIP reception also attended by Bacchanal guests Keith Richards, Saddam Hussein, Robert Griffin III, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, actor Alfred Molina and Toronto mayor Robert Ford, who is rumored to be taking over as the late Tony Soprano’s successor with the Atlanta Smackdaddies.

Details from the two-day gala are always sketchy and depend largely on what attendees and reporters can remember. But FSN was able to piece together much of the event based on interviews with those who were present and relying on video footage that managed to survive.

The weekend’s other heavily anticipated appearance was by George Jones, who arrived at the Parthenon stage on a riding lawnmower — a moving tribute to the funeral procession that Sharif led from Nashville to Hohenwald following the country music legend’s death earlier this year. Jones, who had never played a Bacchanal before, drew sustained cheers from the crowd when he stepped up to the microphone and said, “I’m dead, but I love y’all!”

George Jones performing at Bacchanal X.

Over the next hour the Possum performed a bevy of his greatest hits, including “Why Baby Why,” “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” and “If Drinkin Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will.” Changing a word from perhaps his most famous song, Jones explained that he was performing “He Stopped Loving Him Today” as a tribute to Sharif and Mr. TD. Sharif, whom Jones had called to the stage during the introduction, was seen sobbing uncontrollably during the song. To close the set on a different note, Jason Ringenberg and Warner Hodges joined Jones for a piledriving, punkabilly version of “The Race Is On.”  The song, meant to herald the imminent start of the annual chariot race, not only brought the crowd to its feet but apparently drove several hundred of them to run riot across 27th Avenue and destroy the ChristianMingle.com pavilion that had been erected in the Springwater parking lot.

Concerned for his safety, Sharif’s Israeli-trained praetorian guard rushed Jones to the stage elevator and escorted him down to the VIP Lounge, where he was later seen relaxing with Vice President Joe Biden, Fox News host Megyn Kelly, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, Bakers superfan Powers Boothe, and actor Robert “Wild Wild West” Conrad.

Jones was followed by a long-anticipated performance from the Russian all-girl punk band, Pussy Riot, who owed their presence to interventions with Sharif’s Moscow investors by Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn and General George Washington Leonard. Cheers from the crowd lasted a full five minutes before the band was able to launch into Ubey seksista (“Kill the Sexist”), “Kropotkin Vodka,” and “Release the Cobblestones.”

Halfway into their set, Natalie Maines — rumored to be a leading candidate for 2015’s Grand Marshall — brought the Dixie Chicks onto the stage as the Russians and Americans together performed “Not Ready to Make Nice” and “Goodbye Earl,” which were dedicated to Vladimir Putin. Then the Riot girls returned to a set of their explicitly anti-Putin songs that included “Mother of God, Put Putin Away” and Putin Zassal (“Putin Is Wetting Himself”). Members of the Gazprom delegation on the VIP Reviewing Stand became noticeably agitated as the crowd roared its approval.

Several subsequent performers joined the theme — most notably, Eminem, who began his set by announcing, “Putin is a pimp.” Later, after ousted Bakers coach Snoop Lion joined the Detroit rapper onstage, things began to get ugly when Eminem denounced Sharif and “a little faggot named Calvin Broadus” for “taking up residence in Putin’s ass.” The two men came to blows before the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security forces could pull them apart and lead them offstage as Haven Hamilton tried to divert the crowd’s attention by singing the National Anthem.

Tensions from the Russians’ presence spilled over into other areas as well. According to reports, several members of the Beelzebubbas’ marketing staff got into a brawl with Russian guests during a private party at Sharif’s West End Treehouse. Two Russian diplomats were reportedly treated for cuts and a concussion at St. Thomas Hospital after Anton Chigur, the Bubbas’ VP for Community Outreach, broke bottles of Grey Goose Vodka over their heads.

“All in good fun,” Sharif said later of the incident. “My partners are an emotional bunch, and very loyal to Putin. In fact, their ultimate aim here is to bring him another ring.

“When the vodka started flowing, they apparently attempted to lure a West Nashville intern into a game of chance, one in which she might have agreed to carry someone’s child.  One of their marketing guys took offense, and that’s when the knives came out.

“Personally, I think that sort of thing just adds to the jam. And, I think things were a little edgy because of the loss, and that anthrax / cocaine mix-up over at Rotiers. Everyone was a little frayed by the time they hit the Treehouse.”

Back at the Parthenon, the crowd saved one of its most raucous welcomes for a re-reanimated Warren Zevon, who took an assassin’s bullet last year that was meant for Sharif. Zevon ran through an hour-long set of his signature hits. One of them, with the words changed to “Werewolves of 12South,” was dedicated to his old friend. On perhaps his most anthemic song, shoppers in Hillsboro Village, one mile away from Centennial Park, could clearly hear the audience shouting with the music, “Send lawyers, guns and money; the shit has hit the fan!”

On Saturday afternoon, Sharif granted Zevon’s re-dying request a year ago and allowed him to drive the Bakers’ entry in the annual Bacchanalia Chariot Race at the Centennial Park Hippodrome. While Zevon finished half a length behind the Beelzebubbas’ “Mustang Ranch” chariot — driven this year by a reanimated Steve McQueen — he did manage to use his bladed wheels to devastating effect, overturning the zebra-powered ride of Jack White, who miraculously suffered only a sprained ankle and minor abrasions in the crash.

“You know — this is what the league is really about,” a giddy Sharif said later. He held a glowing CurlBaby in his arms throughout most of the public events, allowing for countless photo-ops and occasional spontaneous healings. “I know we’re about to crown a new champion, but for pure NFFA identity, this is the game that sets the tone for everything we do. On this weekend, we are one seething organism and the game itself becomes a religious expression. I think the people that have been attending these for years, have reached a certain level of enlightenment.”

Among the other highlights of Bacchanal 2013:

•    Donovan Leitch, longtime friend of Dr. Linardo, who was joined onstage by longtime friend of the Bacchanal William Shatner. While Donovan, backed by Schaeffer’s band, played, Shatner provided his unique spoken-voice stylings to “Atlantis” and “Mellow Yellow.”

•    Sir Elton John’s emotion-laden performance of “Rocket Man,” which he had dedicated to his friend Sharif.

•    Bacchanal perennials George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars’ traditional rendering of “One Nation Under a Groove.”

•    The debut appearance of the Pogues, joined by the Dropkick Murphys, who together performed, in their original order, the songs from the Pogues’ “Rum Sodomy & the Lash.” On the finale, a still weeping Sharif provided the accordion on the doleful “The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.”

•    The ebullient set by first-time Bacchanalian Jimmy Cliff, who opened with “You Can Get It If You Really Want” and “I Can See Clearly Now.” After “Rivers of Babylon” and “Bongoman,” Sharif and Village Green owner Dave “Goodrow” Goodridge joined him for “The Harder They Come,” before Katie Perry, wearing a Jamaican flag dress, accompanied them both on “Many Rivers to Cross.”

•    A reanimated Rick James, whose one-song set was an electrifying version of “Super Freak,” which ended abruptly as James announced it was time to “get with the bitches and the green caviar.”

•    The full-on, 20-minute assault-by-guitar performance of the Outlaws’ “Green Grass and High Tides,” featuring a stage full of Southern rock icons including Barefoot Jerry, Molly Hatchet, Black Oak Arkansas, the Drive-By Truckers, Marshall Tucker and three of the Van Zant cousins, with Sod Bakers president Nate Newton manning the tambourine and jew’s harp.

•    By popular demand, the Village People returned, fronted once again by Goodridge. This year, Goodrow appeared disoriented, yelling “YMC Hammer” instead of the lyrics to the group’s trademark song, and wandering offstage two-thirds of the way through “Macho Man.” Goodrow and Green coach Stuart Smalley later were found by Black Dogs owner Bill Money passed out next to the Roman Vomitorium by the east entrance of the Parthenon.

Near midnight on Saturday, all the performers, as well as JFK and Miss Monroe, joined on one stage to close the show. Mos Ded thanked the crowd for coming before asking Sly & the Family Stone to lead everyone in “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin),” one of the other co-official theme songs of the Bacchanal. Then the festival closed with the traditional singing of “The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down” and “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?,” led by Presley.

“It’s going to be tough to top this one,” Ded told the crowd in closing. “I don’t want to start any rumors, but don’t be surprised if Nelson Mandela and Hunter Thompson are up here a year from now.”

SMALLEY SHOWS ‘FEEL-BAD’ SIDE Coach shows tough love as team reaches finalé

Village Green coach Stuart Smalley inspired quarterback Cam Newton 
and the rest of the team with his stirring halftime speech.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

When The Village Green's quarterback Cam Newton went to the locker room with an injury just before halftime of Sunday's NFFA semifinal game against the rival Corsairs, Coach Stuart Smalley's face hardly changed expression. “Gosh darn it,” several players overheard him say. “I know we can still find a way.”

The injury appeared to be a watershed. Newton had been racking up points during an excellent first half, and was leading what appeared to be a surge that would carry the Green past their biggest division rivals and into their first NFFA championship game. But the Green were still narrowly trailing the Corsairs when Newton went down, and when he was taken by team physicians to the locker room, it appeared that his team’s chances might be ruined.

In his halftime locker room speech, Smalley — named yesterday as AWP’s NFFA Coach of the Year — kept his signature smile as he challenged the Green to “win one for the Goody.” In particular, he challenged his young quarterback. “You’re strong and you’re good, and gosh darn it, I know you can get back out there and lead us to victory,” he told Newton.

Then, getting close to the quarterback’s face, he smiled and said: “You’re good, I’m good, and Goodrow’s good. But the Corsairs are a bunch of punkass bitches, and today they are OUR bitches. I know you’re not going to let us lose to that washed-up bitch, Ray-Gay Lewis. Is that what you know, Cam?”

“That’s what I know, Coach!” Newton replied, as the rest of the team broke into cheers.“

“Are you gonna get all up in that Corsair ass?” Smalley continued.

“I’m all up in it!” Newton shouted.

“Are you going to drive us down the field like you’re driving a shiv into Ray-Ray’s neck?” Smalley persisted, making a throat-slash gesture without changing inflection.

“I’m putting the blade in him, Coach!” Newton exclaimed.

The halftime talk produced the desired result, as Newton finished with 34 points in a 146-133 victory over the defending league champions.

“They’re in there talking about the ‘curse of the champion,’” said Newton afterward, motioning to the media room where Lewis was addressing reporters. “I’ll tell you what: the curse for them was having to go up against the best coach in the universe.”

Green players said there was nothing unusual or unexpected in Smalley’s halftime motivational talk. “That’s just how the man rolls,” said injured QB Aaron Rodgers, who had just spent much of the previous weekend with Smalley and Goodrow at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future.

“Stuey isn’t afraid to emphasize the love part of tough love, and we love him in return. People think he’s weak because he has a feel-good approach, but what people don’t understand is that feeling good is all about making the losers on the other side feel bad. He has the voice of an angel but the heart of Jack the Ripper.”

 

"The man's a monster," the medical staffer said. "You could see the fear in Cam's eyes."

BLACK DOGS LOSE, CLINCH 8TH JORGE DIVISION CROWN Linardo division still up for grabs

East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, who has three championship rings and 
has never had a losing season, is the winningest coach in NFFA history.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASHVILLE—Relaxing over a cup of coffee at the Barista Parlor Tuesday morning, East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon considered the fact his team had backed into the Jorge division title with a loss at Cambridge last weekend and a loss by West Nashville, who fell at home to 12th Avenue in the annual Bacchanal to the Future contest.

"I'll take it any way we can get it," he said of his eighth division title in nine seasons as coach of the Black Dogs. "As far as our loss goes, well the Animals' awesome awesomeness has shown up the past two weeks and we were one of its victims. When that happens, you just take the whupping and move on."

The 4-9 Cambridge Animals and the 3-10 12th Avenue Bakers, both of whom had already been eliminated from championship playoff contention, have played the spoiler role, knocking off the Jorge division leaders over the past two weeks. Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, who predicted the win over "the Dogs of Black," was unavailable for comment, although it's a safe bet he considers the 206-158 smackdown of East Nashville one of the greatest games in league history. 

Reached by phone at The Cherry Bomb Café, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said of his team's victory over West Nashville, "It was special. In fact, we haven't had a win that meant this much in a long time.

"These two franchises are joined at the hip, really, and so it's bittersweet in one respect," Sharif continued. "That's why Faith insisted on sending some girls over to the 'Bubbas' front office Monday night after the game. I heard that they wound up at The Treehouse with some of West Nashville's marketing people and tore up some shit. Got in a fight with the Russians and were generally fucked up. I think one of the girls got hurt pretty bad. I haven't had a chance to see the damage, but it's all cool. I understand the pain.

Looking to the weekend, the Bakers owner added, "Now, if we can just close out with a win over a hot Animals team, I'll feel pretty good about next year."

The 7-6 Black Dogs host the 6-7 Beelzebubbas at the Dawg House in the season finale, and even if the Beelzebubbas win to finish in a tie for the division lead, the Dogs have the tiebreaker advantage. The first tiebreaker is head-to-head records, and the Dogs won the first meeting, so with a 'Bubbas win, the two teams would split their season series. The second tiebreaker is division record. The Beelzebubbas are currently 2-3, which means they would improve to 3-3 with a W. Whereas the Black Dogs have a 4-1 division record going into this weekend's contest, so even with a 'Bubbas' win, their division record still would be better at 4-2.

The Atlanta Smack Daddies and the defending champs Downtown Corsairs are tied atop the rival Linardo division with 9-3 records and have clinched playoff berths. Both teams go on the road to close out the season, with the Smack Daddies visiting the 7-6 Village Green, while the Corsairs go cross-country to the 7-6 Fidaldo Island Sea Hogs. If the two teams remain tied after this weekend, the Corsairs will have the tiebreaker advantage. The teams split their two regular season games, and the Corsairs have a 4-1 division record compared to the Daddies' 2-3 mark within the division.

The Linardo division winner will be the number one seed in the playoffs, while the Black Dogs, as Jorge champs, will receive the number two seed. The third seed, a wild-card spot, will go to either the Daddies or the Corsairs, whichever team is not the Linardo division champion. 

The Green and Sea Hogs are both still in the running for the fourth seed and final wild-card spot. Although the Beelzebubbas could potentially finish with the same record as The Green and Sea Hogs, they would lose the three-way, head-to-head tiebreaker. For the Sea Hogs and The Green, if one wins and the other loses, the winner will get the final wild-card spot. If they finish the season still tied, The Green have the tiebreaker advantage, but that could change after this weekend. The Green and Hogs split their season series, so the second tiebreaker kicks in, which for wild-card spots is total points scored. Going into the final weekend, The Green have a 62.5-point lead over the Sea Hogs, which might appear to be an almost insurmountable margin except for the fact the Hogs outscored The Green by 82 points last weekend in their final head-to-head matchup.

As the playoff picture currently stands after 13 weeks, there will be three former champions in the running for the 2013 title, including the reigning champs (Corsairs), and two three-time title holders (Daddies, Dogs). And if the Sea Hogs, who have two rings, make it, it will be an all-champion playoff derby — something that has never happened in the league's 12-year history.

There's one other thing that has never happened in NFFA history — a reigning champion has never worn the crown in consecutive seasons. That little fact has come to be known as "the curse of the champion."