BYE BYE BEAST MODE, HELLO RYAN BROS Lynch resigns as East Nashville coach, Buddy Ryan's sons to lead new staff

Rob Ryan (left) and Rex Ryan (right) pose with their father, Buddy, longtime Black Dogs GM, before a game on November 3, 2013 at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

A little-noticed footnote to the recent announcement that East Nashville coach Marshawn Lynch was returning to the NFL playing field was the fact he had tendered his resignation as Black Dogs coach. “At the end of the day, I realized that in spite of winning an NFFA championship, I just love to run through a muthafucka's face a lot more than I love trying to get other people to run through a muthafucka's face,” Lynch said speaking by phone from Seattle where he had rejoined the Seahawks. 

Black Dogs GM Mo' Money wasted no time in locating Lynch's replacement, informing the media via email this morning the team would be “keeping it in the family so to speak” with their next coaching hire.

“Under the longtime leadership of Buddy Ryan, this franchise enjoyed more success than any other,” Money said of the late GM who beginning in 2005 oversaw an eleven-year run that brought the franchise three NFFA championships and ten division titles. 

“One of the things Buddy did to spark our success was to bring in former player Jim McMahon to coach the team, and as you all know, Jim went on to become the greatest coach in league history before retiring and becoming the league's commissioner,” she continued. “When Marshawn told us he would be stepping down as coach, it made sense to go to Buddy's coaching tree again. So I am very excited to announce our next head coach will be Buddy's son Rex, and our new defensive coordinator will be his twin brother Rob.”

According to Money's email, there will be a press conference on Monday, December 30, to introduce the Ryan brothers to the Nashvegas media. The AWP also learned that former Black Dogs running back Darren Sproles, who recently announced his retirement from the NFL, will be joining the Ryans as the team's offensive coordinator. Sproles is expected to be in attendance at the press conference on Monday, as well.

More on this story as it develops.

CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND SPECIAL: MOJO D POPS OFF AT "PIE TOWN BEAT DOWN" PEP RALLY

Mojo D invokes Baller's special advisor Mike Tyson at the Blue Room's VIP media reception Friday during the weekly Pie Town Pep Rally.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

At a free-wheeling, cocktail-infused pre-party for the media in the Blue Room at Third Man Records before the weekly Pie Town Pep Rally, Baller-in-Chief Mojo D offered brief remarks in response to the lengthy NFFA Newswire feature on the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees' inaugural season. 

“I mean, who talks that much in the NFFA? We are men of action,” Mojo D stated. “not bloviating windbags like James f*cking Joyce - workshopping his bullsh*t in a masturbatory tome, instead of cutting to the chase of the smack? Let me improve that."

"Bronko Nagurski is an ungrateful, thieving, punk-ass rookie, and Ditka is a knuckle-dragging thug. They are nothing without me bringing them into this league - NOTHING!  I hope the Deadbeats are prepared for - in the words of NFFA poet laureate Woody Larry - a prison rape so brutal their farts will never make a sound and their wives will forever see them as women.”

Recent Baller hanger-on and self-appointed Mojo D hype man LaVar Ball intimated that "them other NFFA motherf*ckers want to see a 'Pie Town Beat Down’ to keep that rookie sh*t in line. F*ck that Cinderella sh*t — ain’t nobody wants to see a worst-to-first: other people done poured their souls into this, for these pussy-ass bitches to drop in and win it all they first season. F*ck that.”

Mojo D added, “To quote Goodrow: ’yeah, I guess we’re friends, but f*ck that motherf*cker.’ And Goodrow is not alone: I’ve received well-wishes of support from my fellow veteran owners of the league, but Goodrow wanted to make sure he was on the record. There are lots of people across the NFFA who want to see the Deadbeats humiliated - I can only imagine how this gets stuck in Q Curl’s craw. Poor Q, trapped in Boris Johnson's London..."  

After getting out to a last-place 4-6 start to the 2019 campaign, the Ballers have been a juggernaut, riding a four-game win streak to close out the regular season and drilling the Animals by nearly 100 points to kick off the team's 8th-straight playoff run. 

“My teams have played in five of the last eight NFFA Championship games,” Mojo D reminded the frenzied crowd. “But we haven’t brought home the ring since 2014. We are overdue and have brought in special advisor Mike Tyson for the Championship game: his infinite wisdom drives our confidence,” gesturing to the Tyson projection over his shoulder : “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

"The Dead Cherokees seem very pleased with their game plan, and we expect to disrupt that sh*t in the most violent way possible.”

Around then, Baller coach Jack White cranked up his guitar to deafening feedback and shouted at Mojo D: "shut the f*ck up - let’s play!” The Blue Room erupted in a 140bpm/110-dB version of the Jack White-Mojo D anthem “Rather Be Lucky [Than Good] {Any Day}”, the drinks flowed, the people moved, LaVar Ball balled and the "Pie Town Beat Down Pep Rally” was on. 

Stay tuned for Championship Weekend updates. In the early minutes, SPDC QB Jameis Winston has thrown 2 INTs, one for a pick-6.

GM: DITKA'S JOB HUNG BY THREADVictory Over ASD Saved Career: Championship Next Up

Coach Ditka faces the press.

By Vaughn T. Ing

Shame's Voice Newslitter

In a rare joint press conference on Tuesday, Bronko Nagurski, owner and general manager of the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees,

GM Nagurski

and Mike Ditka, current coach of the Cherokees, responded to rumors that Ditka’s job had been on the line before the first-year coach steered his team into the playoffs. In Ditka’s first year on the job, the Cherokees had fought to a draw over the first four games, beating the East Nashville Black Dogs and the London Bakers but losing to the Cambridge Animals and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. But Monday night, Ditka’s team finished off the The Village Green to qualify for the Championship. Reporters asked the two about the team’s fortunes this season.

“I could understand losing to the Animals in week two,” Nagurski said to the gathered scribes. “After all, I was told that Linardo had all the best teams but that the Animals at least might be able to compete – so long as Dave the Animal, for whom I have nothing but respect, didn’t screw the pooch like a racoon drunk on fermented berries.  But to lose to the Beelzebubs? I heard their coach uses the I Ching to set his lineups.”

“But Mr. Nagurski got happier,” said Ditka, “when we destroyed our divisional rivals the Ballers and Village Green in back to back games. Absolutely kicked the sh*t out of them, ringing up the pie guys for 211 and the village people for 172, average margin of victory 65. I heard Goodrow sought counseling and Mojito kicked his dog.”

Nagurski advised Ditka to watch his language before commenting: “But then we lost back to back games to a couple of Jorge Division doormats, the Atlanta Slap Daddies, a team coasting on the shirttails of over-achieving Patrick Mahomes, and the Black Dogs, a team with more QBs on IR than we bothered to have on our roster: losing one QB is a tragedy; losing a second is just careless.”

“Yeah,” said Ditka. “After losing to Money’s curs, we had dropped back to even, but the following week we got revenge on the Animals – they lucked out a seven-point win the first time and we clobbered ‘em by 60 this time. But I can’t believe we lost the next one.”

Ditka then launched into an expletive filled tirade about losing a game to perennial bottom-dwellers the London Bakers. Ditka expressed the opinion that anyone who carries four defensive lineman is  so clueless that he probably calls his coach during the game to recommend the hidden ball trick. Asked if he would speak that way to QCurl Sharif’s face, Ditka scoffed: “I’ve got chunks of guys like that in my stool!”

With this remark Nagurski cut off Ditka’s mic and advised him to wipe the foam off his mouth.

“It was the back to back losses to Pie Town and Village Green in weeks twelve and thirteen that almost cost Mike his job,” said Nagurski. “I mean, Mojo D is so besotted with his own playoff record that the first thing he kisses in the morning is a mirror, and Dave Goodrow is so mild mannered he takes his milk with more milk. But we still controlled our own destiny, and I figured we’d beat the Atlanta Smack Daddies this time because Lex Dominica would probably screw up by, I don’t know, starting Kamara against the SF defense or something. But that was do or die for Mike. Fortunately, he got it done.”

Reporters asked Ditka how he had felt going into the playoffs for the first time against the top seeded Village Green, a team that had throttled him only two weeks before.

Ditka noted that he had not been particularly concerned: he had plans to raise volcanic goats in Italy should he get knocked out of the playoffs in the first round and lose his job. “Besides, it was pretty easy to get into Goodrow’s head before the game. I told him that by the end of the game he’d feel like a rawhide chew toy after it’s been shat out on his mother’s favorite carpet, and that was pretty much that. Didn’t really need another double century to send him packing.”

Asked about his chances against the Pie Town Ballers for the championship, Ditka responded: “Look, I’ve got nothing against Mojito D. I just want to say that we are going to humiliate him so thoroughly that his children will no longer respect him and his wife will no longer be intimate with him.”

Asked the same question, Nagurski said: “Actually, I do have a personal motive. I was new to the league and didn’t know much about how the draft works, and Mojo D recommended that if I didn’t use the first pick of the draft for a QB, like Matt Ryan, I should pick up Arizona RB David Johnson. That worked out great, of course. Ryan wouldn’t have been much better, it turns out. But I found a backup QB in the fifth round. How you like Jameis now?”

With this Nagurski slapped a bratwurst out of Ditka’s mouth and ended the press conference.

CURSES, FOILED AGAIN! Green, Animals succumb to league jinxes

No NFFA team quarterbacked by Tom Brady has ever won a title.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

After the dust settled after the first week of the playoffs, the Curse of the Champion remains undefeated. In eighteen seasons, not a single NFFA champion has been able to repeat, including most recently the 2018 title holders, the Village Green. The Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees were the instruments of the curse this year, pounding the Green this past weekend, 202.7-156.1.

Speaking by cell phone, Green owner Dave Goodrow admitted to being “a little sad” about the loss. Sad was the word that former Green owner President Donald J. Trump used in a tweet early this morning in response to the news about the Green's loss.

It was a big comedown for the fans of the Green, whose owner, brimming with confidence just a week earlier, had described himself as a “football god.”

The Curse of Brady remains undefeated, too. Although Brady has six Super Bowl rings, no team with him as their starting quarterback has ever won an NFFA championship. So it figured the Brady-led Cambridge Animals would be toast, and they were, getting smacked down by the Pie Town Ballers, 211-116.2. Cambridge is also afflicted with the Grandmother of All Curses, but it's unclear what role, if any, it played in the Ballers’ domination of the Animals. “I've seen prison rapes less brutal than that,” said sportswriter Woody Larry, a longtime observer of the league.

It was second time in NFFA history that the winners of the first round of the playoffs both scored more than 200 points. In 2011, the Atlanta Smack Daddies and the East Nashville Black Dogs topped 200 on their way to the title game.

The Ballers and the Dead Cherokees meet this weekend to decide the 2019 NFFA champion. The Dead Cherokees are an early 8.9-point favorite.

GOODROW: 'I AM A FOOTBALL GOD!' Green win Linardo; Jorge, wild cards still up in the air

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow scoffs at the curse of the champion. 

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

With their division title-clinching, 60-point smackdown of the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees last weekend, the defending champion Village Green gave the finger to the curse of the champion. “This division is getting too easy,” a Dom Perignon-drenched Dave Goodrow said in the locker room after the game. When asked if he wasn't tempting the football gods with that kind of bravado, the Green owner said, “I am a football god!”

The Green (9-4) also locked down the number one overall seed in the upcoming championship playoffs. The only other thing decided in week 13 about the championship playoffs is the London Bakers and East Nashville Black Dogs will not be part of them, as both teams were eliminated with last weekend's losses. The Bakers (4-9) will have the first pick in the 2020 draft and the Black Dogs (5-8) will have the second selection.

The Cambridge Animals, the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the Pie Town Ballers, the Dead Cherokees, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas are all still in contention for a ticket to the playoff party. For division titles, the tiebreakers are: 1. Head-to-head; 2. Division record; 3. Points for. For the two wild-card berths, the tiebreakers are: 1. Head-to-head; 2. Points for. Here are the playoff scenarios for each team still in the playoff hunt going into the season's final week:

• Cambridge Animals (7-6): The Animals control their own destiny; if they win the finale against the Bakers, they're in as champions of the Jorge division. If they lose, they can still get in as the division champs if the Beelzebubbas lose to the Black Dogs. They could also lose and get in as the final wild card team by virtue of the head-to-head tiebreaker if the Ballers lose.

• Atlanta Smack Daddies (7-6): Like the Animals, if the Daddies win this weekend against the Dead Cherokees, they're in as a wild card. If they lose, they're out regardless of the outcome of the Ballers-Green game. 

• Pie Town Ballers (7-6): Like the Animals and Daddies, the Ballers are in as a wild card if they can knock off the division champion Green. If they lose, they will still earn a wild-card berth if the Animals win and the Daddies lose, or if the Animals win and the Dead Cherokees lose with a week 14 score that no more than 24 points greater than the Ballers week 14 score.

• Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees (7-6): Like the Animals, Daddies, and Ballers, the Dead Cherokees are in the championship playoffs as a wild card entry with a win over the Daddies. They can still get in with a loss if the Animals win, the Ballers lose and the Dead Cherokees score at least 24.2 points more than the Ballers on the final weekend.

• West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-7): Unlike the other teams still in contention, the Beelzebubbas do not control their own destiny. They can claim the Jorge division title with a win over the Black Dogs and a loss by the Animals to the Bakers. Asked if he was worried about needing help from the Bakers, the league's lowest scoring team, Bubbas GM Mos’ Ded said, “The world depends on the Bakers every day for moral clarity, so we are not afraid; we are never afraid.”

BAKERS' JORGE TITLE CHANCES ON LIFE SUPPORT Animals could still finish at the bottom of league

Though DTA (above) and the Cambridge Animals lead the Jorge division by a game, they could still finish at the bottom of the league.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

It would involve a serious rally this evening, but believe it or not, the London Bakers, the league's last-place and lowest-scoring team, could still finish in a tie for the Jorge division title. Never mind they wouldn't win the title because they wouldn't win the tiebreakers. Considering all the adversity they have had to overcome this season, it would represent a miracle finish and the closest the franchise has ever come to winning the division. Maybe even more surprising is the fact the division-leading Cambridge Animals could still finish in the league cellar.

Here's how the above outcome could unfold: First of all, the Bakers need RB Chris Carson to score 29 points tonight to edge the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. They would also need the East Nashville Black Dogs to rally from a 26.6-point deficit tonight against the Animals. That would give the Bakers and Beelzebubbas 5-8 records and the Animals and Black Dogs records of 6-7. Then the Bakers would need to beat the Animals next weekend and for the 'Bubbas to knock off the Black Dogs. In that scenario, all four teams would finish 6-8, and the 'Bubbas would win the division and become the first division winner in NFFA history with a losing record, and although they would have an identical won-loss record, the Animals would finish last in not only the division, but the entire league.

When reached for comment at the One Eyed Pig in London, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said, “Hope springs eternal.”

Black Dogs GM Cash Money told the AWP the team plans to file a lawsuit against the league tomorrow to overturn the outcome of the week eight contest between the Animals and Atlanta Smack Daddies. “Because the commissioner monkeyed with the Animals lineup after the fact, the Animals got a win they didn't earn and didn't deserve,” Money said. “It’s a gross miscarriage of justice that affects not just the Smack Daddies, but the entire league, and especially all the teams in the Jorge division. We’re hoping the Daddies, ’Bubbas, and Bakers will join us in this action.”

Money went on to say the team would be filing the suit in the court of Judge Naomi Morningstar and requesting the earliest possible court date for the case that could upend the seedings in the upcoming championship playoffs.

More on this story as it develops.

SHARIF NAMED PAPAL NUNCIO Diplomatic status opens doors to US for embattled Bakers owner

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif has a message for President Trump from the Vatican.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a surprise announcement from the Vatican Tuesday morning, Sir QCurl Sharif has been named as a papal nuncio to the Choctaw Nation of Tennessee.

The announcement, which came with little fanfare, was issued through a news release from the Holy See Press Office and an accompanying story in L’Osservatore Romano, the official newspaper of the Vatican.

In a telephone interview, Vatican spokesman Father Guido Sarducci said that the appointment — the first time a nuncio has been sent to a Native American tribe — came about through the intercession of Cardinal Giorgio Leonardo, who once occupied an office next to Sharif’s Cherry Bomb Café in Nashville’s 12 South district. According to Father Sarducci, Cardinal Leonardo spoke directly to Pope Francis, urging him to equip Sharif with diplomatic credentials that would allow him to travel to Nashville freely.

In August, the Trump administration declared Sharif persona non grata and barred him from entering the United States. Federal judge Naomi Morningstar ruled that the administration could not legally deny the right, guaranteed under the NFFA’s constitution, of a team owner to attend his or her team’s games. But the U.S. Supreme Court stayed Judge Morningstar’s ruling pending a decision by the high court that is expected sometime next year. 

The political pressure on Sharif, who served as a freedom fighter in Ukraine against a Russian invasion and who is close to former Ukraine president Petro “the Chocolate King” Poroshenko, has only increased since he publicly identified himself last month as the “whistleblower,” whose official complaint triggered the impeachment investigation into President Donald J. Trump.

When a reporter pointed out the unusual timing of the Vatican announcement, which coincides with Bacchanal Week in Nashville — noting that the West Nashville Beelzebubbas’ Club Gitmo nightclub and team headquarters are located on sovereign Choctaw Nation lands and that Sharif would now enjoy diplomatic immunity from arrest — Father Sarducci responded: “To be honest, I did not know that Sharif was a Catholic. Maybe he’s not. If you talk to him first, would you ask him? But what can I tell you? Sir Q is doing the Lord’s work in standing up to white nationalism, and we know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I mean, first Moses and now this.”

Attempts to reach Sharif on Tuesday were unsuccessful. The embattled owner of the London Bakers spent last weekend at his heavily guarded country estate, reportedly writing songs with Robert Plant for a new Led Zeppelin album. A person who answered the phone at the Bakers’ team offices in Central London said that Sharif planned to travel to Nashville after the annual Integrity Dinner to attend the Bacchanal and the Bubbas-Bakers tilt, which has playoff implications for both teams. During the telephone conversation, an unidentified voice could be heard in the background shouting, “Rawk!”

SHARIF DECRIES REPUBLICAN NARRATIVE Plant Joins Owner In Seclusion

Robert Plant (left) and QCurl Sharif at Wembley Stadium afterparty following a soccer match earlier this year. Plant has joined Sharif this weekend at the Hindleg estate outside of London.

Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif did not travel with the team to Nashville for this week's divisional game against the East Nashville Black Dogs, as reported on the Times of London website early Thursday. Sharif has chosen to stay indefinitely at his country estate Hindleg, near Bladderstone, in the rolling hills an hour northwest of London.

Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn told the Times Sharif had expressed a leeriness of traveling to the U.S. as the presidential impeachment inquiry hit high gear. Bakers minority partner Petro Poroshenko, former president of Ukraine, has become part of the narrative within the inquiry as Republicans have pointed to possible corruption and improprieties between the Obama administration and Poroshenko's.

In a prepared statement released by Sharif earlier in the week, he claimed that “Big Chocky had done nothing wrong as Ukraine's president, and that the Republican attempt to deflect attention from Trump's blatant, orchestrated campaign of corruption for personal gain is hollow and smells of Putin thuggery.”

Sharif, himself, was poisoned during a summer spiritual retreat in North Carolina in 2018, an event that is widely believed to have been coordinated by Russian intelligence. His lengthy recovery kept Sharif out ot the team's day-to-day until this year, a highly disappointing season after such high hopes.

His decision not to travel with the team to Nashville has brought speculation that Sharif fears for his life. Maven said otherwise.

“His decision is based simply on his desire to keep the Bakers focused on the game with the Black Dogs,” she told the Times. “He wants Mr. Dogg and the lads to go in there and pull one out of their hearts and bring it back to London. Quite frankly, if Mr. Sharif attended the game, the security considerations at the stadium and the Cherry Bomb and Treehouse would be mind-boggling. 

“Our people on the ground have expressed some concern, even though the Kurdish community in Nashville has offered security support, and he decided to repair to Hindleg. He has a weekend planned there with Robert Plant, which will include watching the game together, and I believe Judge [Naomi] Morningstar has arranged to fly in and join them, as well.”

WHO'S YOUR GRANDMOTHER 'Bubbas go for nine straight wins over Animals since title game of 2015

In 2016, a Santeria high priestess (shown above) unleashed the "grandmother of all curses" on the defending champion Cambridge Animals, who are winless against the West Nashville Beelzebubbas since then.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Curses are a big deal in the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association. Of course there is the curse of the champion which has prevented any team from ever winning back-to-back titles. Then there is the curse of Brady which has prevented any team quarterbacked by New England QB Tom Brady, arguably the greatest quarterback in NFL history, from winning an NFFA championship. But it's a couple of lesser-known curses which take center stage this weekend when the Cambridge Animals face the West Nashville Beelzebubbas at Colt 45 Stadium.

When the Animals defeated the Beelzebubbas to win the NFFA title in 2015, 'Bubbas owner/GM Mos' Ded failed to offer congratulations to Animals owner Dave the Animal in a timely fashion. That resulted in DTA unleashing the "mother of all curses" on the Beelzebubbas. Mos' Ded retaliated against the Animals with the "grandmother of all curses." In the ensuing seasons, we've learned grandma beats mama, as West Nashville has reeled off eight consecutive wins over Cambridge and goes for a ninth straight this weekend.

"We tried to lift the curse after we made the blockbuster preseason trade, but the curse was too strong," Ded said when reached for comment. "We didn't realize how powerful that Santeria juju really was."

The importance of the "grandmother of all curses" is magnified this weekend as the Animals sit atop the Jorge division with a precarious one-game lead over the East Nashville Black Dogs. "We wish we had that grandmother carrying the rock for us," Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch said. "We'd be undefeated."

The 'Bubbas announced on Thursday that the first one thousand grandmothers to enter Colt 45 Stadium this weekend will receive both a Colt 45 firearm and a "foty" of Colt 45 malt liquor.

When the AWP reached out to the Animals for comment, neither DTA nor GM Wilder the Animal were available.

SHARIF BLOWS BIG WHISTLE

Legendary Bakers' mascot Mr. TD is believed to have died in the Ukraine fighting Russian forces. It has been reported that owner QCurl Sharif brought the body to his residence, where it remains. The franchise officially announced Mr. TD retired four years ago and lives in seclusion in France.

Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—In a stunning revelation Friday, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made public that he was the whistle-blower at the center of President Donald Trump's Ukraine scandal.

Following the Monday night upset of the previously unbeaten Atlanta Smackdaddies, Sharif spoke candidly at a post-game celebration from a private room at the One-Eyed Pig. After raising a glass to his team, Sharif launched into a tirade against sullied PM Boris Johnson before turning his attention to Trump. Witnesses included a reporter from the London Times, who shared this story with its sister publication, The Mainline Dope. Both vetted the story through interviews with others present, and released it today simultaneously.

"I am the whistle-blower," Sharif said, holding a thin black folder as he spoke. "I have strong ties to the intelligence community of my home country, of course — given my background — and I was alarmed when I was given a copy of the transcript of the call in question. I'll not say how I received that copy, but it's not unusual for me to be briefed on matters involving the Ukraine."

The longstanding ties by the Bakers' organization with the Ukrainian government are well-documented, first surfacing for public consumption with the purchase of a stake in the franchise by former President Petro "The Chocolate King" Poroshenko in 2015. But, the ties to the Crimean buffer state went deeper well before his transaction — as photo evidence proved that Sharif himself was an active freedom fighter in Ukraine's struggle with the Russian republic. In a tragic turn, it is widely believed that beloved Baker mascot, Mr. TD, was killed in fighting alongside Sharif, and that PR maven Faith Popcorn was burned badly in a misguided attempt to bring both Sharif and Mr. TD back to the states during fierce conflict there.

It is also known that Sharif was at the center of the original deal struck between the U.S. and Ukraine regarding the procurement of Javelin anti-tank missiles.

"At first I thought I should protect myself by going through a formal process, anonymously," Sharif said. "You saw what Trump and Putin tried to do to me last summer. In reality, I should not be standing here in front of you today. I believe that the 'Elvis Syndrome' is the only thing that saved me that day from the Novichok A-234. The doctors said the substances already embedded deep within my system confused the toxin and allowed for them to flush a great deal of it out before it could take irreversible effect.

"But now, I realize I can do greater good out in the broad daylight. I mean if something happened to me — all hell would break loose. His 'basket of deplorables' got nothing on the Baker Nation."

The crowd at The Pig seemed caught a bit off guard by Sharif's statements. While Sharif did not share the contents of the folder, it is believed to contain copies of the whistle-blower forms that were given to Sharif's U.S. government contacts, and a copy of the phone transcript.

His stormy relationship with the Trump administration prompted the Bakers move to London soon after the U.S. presidential election of 2016. Sharif has been outspoken in his mistrust of Trump, a former business partner in a failed casino project in Hong Kong. Sharif believes that failed project led ultimately to Trump's ill-conceived trade war with China.

"The guy has the intelligence of a three-hundred-pound sack of hammered dog nut, if I can quote an old friend from Texas," Sharif said in the wee hours Tuesday morning. Revelers were seen leaving The Pig well after sunrise as Sharif remained inside with The Times reporter. "Maybe this win over the Daddies is a sign from God. Behold the underdog, and all that. I mean, this team has faced adversity like no other in my recollection — seems parallel to the plight of the American people at this moment. If we can somehow lift ourselves from the mat and gain some momentum in the division, I think it would bring a greater hope to my friends and our fans stateside."

The Bakers' home stand continues this week as they meet old rival the East Nashville Black Dogs.

"We put [Andy] Dalton on a small, private flight back to the U.S., most rikki tikki," Sharif said. "Not one of my planes. Hell no. We booked it through a cheap charter line. I hope his ride is a bumpy mother."

When pressed repeatedly by the reporter if he actually feared for his life by making his actions public, he seemed resolute.

"There's hard pipes coming after me all the time," he said. "People with more brains than dog nut. It doesn't really worry me, though I imagine it's going to bring out the crazies again. What I call his sex-dungeon base and the rest of that bunch. I got a taste of it in Hong Kong. Pretty foul taste, too, even for me. They know where to find me."

BALLERS CLAIM ANIMALS HACKED WEEK 3 LINEUP

Did DTA's super-computer Nancy hack Mojo D's Zoltar Speaks fortune-telling machine?

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

In a brief, rambling Skype call with media, Pie Town Baller-in-Chief Mojo D claimed that Nancy, Dave the Animal's super-computer, hacked his lineup in Week 3. The Ballers fell to 2-1 with a 11.6-point loss to the Animals in Cambridge.

"How else would I have started Lamar Jackson over Matt Ryan? That violates the cardinal rule of NFFA: 'ride your studs.' And the cast of over-performers riding the pine last week? That's absurd. Then Elias swipes five points too?" Asked about his process for selecting the lineup each week, Mojo D said only: "Zoltar speaks." The call then ended abruptly.

A Pie Town insider - who spoke on condition of anonymity - said that in the days leading up to the game, Mojo D spent hours in a darkened space at the Third Man Blue Room consulting the Zoltar Speaks Fortune-Telling Machine. On Tuesday, the insider reported that Mojo D showed up with an axe and smashed the machine, screaming "f*cking Nancy! F*cking Nancy!!"
More on this story as it develops.

GOOD ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, AND DOGGONE IT, HE'S RICH ENOUGH, TOO Group led by Stuart Smalley ousts Trump from Green ownership

Village Green coach Stuart Smalley has ousted owner Donald Trump.

By Heywood Jablome

United Web Press International

Following the commanding win over the Beelzabubbas, a consortium of Village Green supporters led by Coach Smalley have announced that the team is under a new ownership structure.  

“We are thrilled to get out from under the narcissistic rule of Mr. Trump" said Smalley. “My friends and I believe in positive reinforcement and that proved itself Sunday with the players I sent out on the field. We had a mindfulness retreat this weekend and both Mr. Prescott and Henry showed tremendous focus.”

Insiders say that the failed purchase of Greenland and the disastrous Taliban discussions pale in comparison to the disappointment Trump will feel over the soul-crushing sale of the 2018 NFFA championship team. When the news broke that ownership of the team had been wrested from the president, Trump tweeted, “The announcement that I am no longer the principal owner of the Village Green is total FAKE NEWS!!! Stuart Smalley is delusional. So sad!”

At the Goodrow A Go Go this afternoon, NFFA followers speculated over who the leader of the new ownership group would be.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

ROYALS SNUB TRUMP FOR Q Amid presidential visit, Sharif invited for ‘sleepover’ at Buckingham

'Baby Trump' flies above the One-Eyed Pig

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Amid Donald Trump’s long-awaited state visit to the United Kingdom, the British royal family appears to have escalated tensions between the two governments with one simple gesture: an invitation to Sir QCurl Sharif that was glaringly not extended to the U.S. president.

After issuing a public statement that ongoing renovations precluded the possibility of Trump staying overnight at Buckingham Palace during his visit, word leaked that Sharif had been invited to be an overnight guest on Monday and Tuesday nights — an invitation that Sharif and his entourage eagerly accepted.

The move was viewed as an obvious snub to Trump by the royal family, who have been on friendly terms with Sharif even before Queen Elizabeth granted him a knighthood last year. “The invitation to Sir Q was no mere coincidence nor a mistake in scheduling by the Palace,” said Professor Trevor St. John-Suckling, who has written extensively about the royal family. “Word of such things does not leak out by accident. Her Majesty and Prince Phillip clearly wanted the British people to know that they had taken sides, and it was not the side of Donald J. Trump.”

After the story was initially reported by The Guardian, Trump angrily tweeted, “FAKE NEWS! Queen Eliz. and I have the best relationship. She told me she wants to make America GREAT again, which of course means she would vote for me in 2020. Don’t believe Muslim-controlled British MEDIA and LOSER Muslim team owner!”

But on Tuesday, it became clear that the story was anything but fake. As photographers snapped photos, Sharif and Prince Phillip waved to the crowd from a balcony at the palace, the prince wore a London Bakers soccer scarf around his neck. Another photo, published in the Daily Mirror, showed Sharif, Prince Harry and Megan Markle sitting on a sofa together and sharing a large bowl of popcorn as they watched an old episode of the American TV series “The Rockford Files” on a large screen. The newspaper accompanied the photo with a large headline that read: “Sir Q’s Sleepover at the Palace.”

Brexiteer Nigel Farage denounced the invitation to Sharif as “outrageous” and “a provocation for dissolving the monarchy forever,” but public sentiment appeared to rest strongly with the queen and Sharif.

Crowds of anti-Trump protesters gathered next to the palace in St. James Park chanted “Hate Trump, Love Bakers!” and, in a reference to Sharif’s London nightclub, “One-Eyed Pig Beats Fascist Pig!”

Early Monday afternoon, Sir Q and Bakers coach Snoop Dogg arrived at the park, accompanied by four large delivery trucks filled with hamburgers from the McDonald’s at nearby Victoria Station. They handed sandwiches to the cheering crowd as Sharif proclaimed that he was treating Londoners to a “Trump state dinner.” 

Later that afternoon, protesters brought the now-famous “Baby Trump” balloon to the One-Eyed Pig and fastened to the building’s roof, where it continued to fly like a tribal flag. On Tuesday, another giant balloon appeared — this one with the likeness of Trump’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and a sign that read “Two-Eyed Pig.”

Coupled with Sharif’s earlier call for a “British Green New Deal” that would rebuild the nation’s economy around marijuana cultivation, some observers saw Sir Q’s presence as part of a nascent political movement. But Sharif himself was mostly mum. As he handed out Quarter Pounders, one Sky News correspondent got close enough to ask Sharif whether he planned to seek a seat in Parliament. “I am the queen’s humble servant,” Sir Q replied, a bit cryptically. “And tonight the queen has asked to be served some green caviar.”

GREEN NEW DEAL FOR UK? ‘Tokexit’ plan could make Sir Q, Bakers a force in British politics

An apparently offhand remark by Sir QCurl Sharif has spawned a political movement to make marijuana cultivation a national priority in the UK.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Just as it appeared that British politics was set to crash on either the Scylla of a no-deal exit from the European Union or the Charybdis of a government-negotiated plan that Parliament rejected, a possible third way emerged from an unlikely source: the owner of the London Bakers Football Club.

Last week, as a guest on The Graham Norton Show, Sir QCurl Sharif floated an idea that he called “the real green new deal.” Britons from multiple points on the political spectrum are hailing it as salvation.

“Just imagine,” Sharif mused, apparently off-the-cuff, “what could happen if we seriously started cultivating marijuana in this country? For nine months of the year, Britain is basically one big hydroponic garden. Mao wanted people in China to build furnaces for making steel in their backyards. Compared to that, national marijuana cultivation would be the easiest leap forward in history. A chicken in every pot, and pot in every English garden and windowsill.

“Think of the export potential. It would more than offset the hit the economy will take from Brexit. And people will feel a lot better, too — no more national malaise, if I may borrow a word from my native French. By ensuring medical marijuana for all UK citizens, we will reduce the incidence of depression and improve health outcomes widely. We will surpass Bhutan as the world’s happiest country.

“Incentivize growers in Jamaica, Trinidad, St. Lucia, and we could reinvigorate the Commonwealth so the sun will never set on British hemp fields. We could have so much surplus product that we could get tons of it into Russia through Ukraine and change the political situation there in a matter of weeks. The Russian bear would get hungry for late-night fish and chips instead of foreign territory, if you know what I’m saying.”

“You’re on a roll, SirQ,” Norton quipped.

“We should roll our own,” Sharif retorted. 

“But I can’t imagine the queen possibly getting on board with this,” Norton said.

Sharif then caused a bit of a sensation. “I don’t know about that,” he said. “Through his longstanding friendship with Her Majesty, our league founder Dr. [Jorgé] Linardo persuaded her to allow Prince Phillip to receive medical marijuana for his joint pain and glaucoma, and I think she’s been known to enjoy a blunt on the sly herself now and then, you know?”

“I did NOT know,” Norton said. “Are you suggesting there’s a royal waterpipe at Buckingham Palace.”

“No, no,” Sharif demurred. “Nothing so obvious as that. I think they prefer to smoke a varietal called Puff the Magic Dragon that Dr. Linardo cultivates himself. I haven’t observed any of this directly, you understand. I do know the Prince has looked much more sporty the last couple of times I saw him.”

“Do you realize the bomb you’ve just dropped?” Norton asked.

“Bong?” replied Sharif. “Where? Good Lord, I hope it didn’t break.”

“Bomb,” Norton clarified. “B-O-M-B.”

“Listen, maybe this plan is untested,” said Sharif, returning to his idea for the green new deal, “but what does this country have to lose? Maybe it’s time, if I may quote William Blake, to restore England to being a ‘green and pleasant land.’ It’s time to put the hemp back in Hempstead Heath, baby.”

By the next afternoon, Sharif’s impromptu suggestion was already gaining momentum as a political idea. MEGAPLA (Make England A Green and Pleasant Land Again) hats with a cannabis leaf began appearing in Soho and the West End of London. “Tokexit to Save Britain?” read a front-page headline in The Sun newspaper. The banner headline in The Daily Mirror was in 84-point type and all caps: “YES WE CANNABIS!”

“I believe we can turn this from a moment to a movement,” said former Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has become a frequent guest at Sharif’s One-Eyed Pig nightclub. “If there’s one thing that Boris Johnson and Prince Harry can agree on, it is this.”

When a BBC News crew finally caught up with Sharif three days after his appearance on the Norton Show, he seemed startled by all the attention, and even surprised at the reminder of what he said in front of a national TV audience. “That sounds like a wonderful idea,” Sharif said, sounding as if he were hearing it for the very first time. “I could absolutely get on board with that.”

When pressed for further comment, Sharif thought a moment and then said: “You may write that I am honored to be of whatever service for my adoptive country that may prove useful. And from now on, when I inhale, I shall close my eyes and think of England.”

MOJO D SCROOGED? Ghostly visits change behavior of Pie Town chief

From this still image taken from security camera footage, Ballers personnel identified Dave Goodrow as the intruder who broke into Mojo D's home on Christmas Eve.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Did three spirits really visit Mojo D on Christmas Eve?

That’s a question league insiders have been investigating for most of the past month — ever since the owner of the Pie Town Ballers awoke on Christmas morning drenched in sweat, asked “Am I still in this world?” and then announced to colleagues that he was making “major changes.” 

  

Until now, the story of D’s visitation — or was it just hallucination? — has remained a closely guarded secret. But FSN Sports has been piecing together details from people in the Ballers’ organization. (Attempts to reach Mojo D himself have been unsuccessful; team officials say he is leading a medical mission trip to Haiti and is currently unreachable.)

According to sources, Mojo D claims to have been haunted by three spirits during the pre-dawn hours of Christmas morning. They identified themselves to him, he said, as the Ghost of Fantasy Football Past, the Ghost of Fantasy Football Present and the Ghost of Fantasy Football Future.

The first spirit transported Mr. D to the halcyon days when his franchise was celebrating league championships at The Palm restaurant, where a drawing of him hung prominently on the wall.

The second spirit took him to the fabled Integrity Dinner in London, where he overheard former president Barack Obama say, “It’s a shame that Mojo couldn’t stop looking at free agent stats and tweaking his lineup for just one night to come be with his friends.” Then, sources said, D claimed that he was allowed to listen in on conversations in “the Garment Factory,” as the Ballers’ famed research department is known to employees, where staff routinely work 23-hour days during football season and Warren Zevon’s “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” blares constantly through the McIntosh XR100 floor-standing stereo speakers.

Finally, D claimed to have been visited by the Ghost of Fantasy Football Future, who showed him a nearly empty “Roofie” and pointed a bony finger at official NFFA statistics from 2039 indicating that the Village Green had won 20 consecutive league titles while the Ballers had finished dead last in every season since 2018.

When he awoke, sources said, D announced that he would never again violate the league’s 160-hour rule and would stop reneging on promises of free avocado toast at Whole Foods for fans if his team scored more than 160 points in a game.

“He kept repeating, ‘I want to go to the Integrity Dinner, I want to go to the Integrity Dinner,’” according to one team insider who asked to remain anonymous.

Most hauntingly, sources said, Mojo D told them that each of the three spirits bore an uncanny resemblance to Green owner and archrival Dave Goodrow. They said they tried to reassure their boss that it was only a dream, and that his vision probably originated in something he had smoked before retiring to bed that night. “No,” D reportedly insisted. “It was him. I know it was him.”

The story prompted Ballers’ Chief of Security Ray Lewis to order a secret investigation. When they reviewed security camera footage from Mojo D’s home, they saw someone raise an extension ladder to the rear of the house and enter through a second-floor window outside the master bedroom. Time-stamp data showed the break-in began at precisely 4 a.m., and that the intruder left at 4:45 carrying what appeared to be a trophy. 

Officials also allowed a reporter to see a still image from the video. The intruder, who is captured looking toward the camera, appears to be Goodrow.

Sources say the findings from the investigation have not been shared with Mojo D. “Frankly,” said one, “we don’t want to ruin the opportunity to get more than one hour of sleep per night.”

Officials from the Village Green did not return phone calls seeking comment.