OBOBBER REPONDS TO PROPOSED SCORING CHANGE

Meemaw Thurmann practices for a potential visit from Mojo D.

OBOBBER REPONDS TO PROPOSED SCORING CHANGE

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Fidalgo Island — Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber responded today to Mojo D's proposal to change the NFFA scoring rules to eliminate points for kick returns. Obobber, who has implemented a strategy this year to primarily use kick returners (KRs) at the player positions of RB, WR, and DB, had this to say:

"Mojo D didn't get beat last weekend by KRs, he got beat by a QB who scored over 60 points, a TE who scored an unheard of 23 points, a LB who scored 20.5 points, and a standard RB (Thomas Jones) who scored an incredible 32 points.

"KRs are not the problem. They merely expand the field of available RB, WR, and DB choices for team owners/coaches. KRs don't necessarily score ridiculous numbers of points any more than standard RBs, WRs, and DBs do. Any coach can use KRs, as there are plenty of them out there, but using them doesn't always work -- just look at my record this year. If the league is interested in changing the scoring rules to create more parity, then eliminating KR yardage is not the answer.

"The answer is to change the scoring for QBs. When you have only a few QBs who are capable of scoring 50 to 60 points a game, which can easily equal the total production of 5 to 10 other players, then you have a true imbalance in the league. I think we should reduce the points that QBs get for TDs (4 points?) and yardage (1 point for every 20 yards?), so that the QB position is not so dominant.

"Mojo D may be blaming KRs as a smokescreen, since he has Tom Brady, the most dominant QB in the league last year, on IR. Perhaps Mojo D needs to pay a visit to Meemaw Thurmann to get him to see things a little differently. I know her skillet opened my mind.

"Again, the problem is not allowing more players to have scoring ability, the problem is allowing one position (the QB) to become too dominant. This is the situation we find ourselves in now. Let's fix it."

ANIMALS ASCEND TO EXCLUSIVE 230 CLUB

230 Club (left to right): Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, Animals owner Dave the Animal.


ANIMALS ASCEND TO EXCLUSIVE 230 CLUB

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

The Cambridge Animals joined exclusive company this past weekend when they put 231.5 points on the scoreboard against the Midtown Mojo. It was the second-highest score in NFFA history.

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas hold the record for the highest score ever, 233.5 points against the Atlanta Smack Daddies last season in week two. The Animals bumped the East Nashville Black Dogs' 231 points against the Alamo Scouts in week 10 of the 2006 season from second to third all-time. No other teams have topped the 230 mark, although the 12th Avenue Bakers came close with a 227-point effort last year in week nine against the Scouts.

Reached on his cell phone this morning, Animals owner Dave the Animal expressed his excitement about his team's offensive explosion. "I'm an offensive genius," he said. "Now that I'm back from my stint as a cable television star, this is how we are going to roll. One of the team's primary motivational tools was to channel the rage we all feeling now that several of the inter-team marriages have been called into question in California.

"As far as the 230-point club is concerned, I consider it the new gold standard for scoring. Let's face it, the 200-point club is hardly exclusive — everyone is in it except Lex and Little Lex," he continued, referring to Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica and his nephew and Scouts owner Thurman Murrman.

"And I read some [expletive] on the news wire about how Mojo D is going to welcome me into the 200-point club. Tell him, I want to welcome him into the 230-point club. Oh, wait, I forgot for a second that he isn't in it."

As Dave the Animal indicated, the Smack Daddies and Scouts are the only teams to have never scored 200 points, although they each have hit 199 once, with Murrman's team doing it two seasons ago against his uncle. The Smack Daddies have been on the losing end of a 200-point game three times, while incredibly, the Scouts have been the victim five times.

According to Beelzebubbas owner-coach Boyd X. Biggs, the Daddies and Scouts failure to score 200 points, as well as the fact they have been the losing team eight of the 11 times 200 or more points have been scored, is due to the curse of Dominica. "The Curse of Dominica," AWP, Nov. 28, 2007

Under the guidance of head coach Jim McMahon, the Black Dogs have topped 200 points five times in the past four seasons. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are the only other franchise with more than one score north of 200, topping the mark twice a year ago during their championship run.

NFFA Top Single Game Scores
1. 233.5 points, West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. 231.5 points, Cambridge Animals (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. 231 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 227 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. 217.5 points, Midtown Mojo, (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
6a. 215 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
6b. 215 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
8. 214.5 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
9. 207 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
10. 205 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
11. 201 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
12a. 199 points, Alamo Scouts (2006, week 6 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
12b. 199 points, Atlanta Smack Daddies (2006, week 15 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
12c. 199 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2006, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
15. 197 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2006, week 6 vs. Franktown Silverbacks)
16a. 195 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
16b. 195 points, West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2008, week 10 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
18. 194.5 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2008, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
19. 194 points, Atlanta Smack Daddies (2006, week 8 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
20. 191 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 7 vs. West Nashville Beelzebubbas)
21a. 190 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2005, week 11 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
21b. 190 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 1 vs. Alamo Scouts)

MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

Midtown owner Mojo D wants to
kill the Krankenstein monster.


MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

After a 60-point drubbing at the hands of "those filthy Animals," Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D has called for a rule change that "removes the tyranny of the kick returner."

Wearing a tie-dye shirt emblazoned with "Death to Krankenstein," Mojo D said: "It's ridiculous that burners who play for truly [expletive] teams are making the difference with standard-issue kick returns. Johnnie Lee Higgins? Josh Wilson? These are marquee players? Gimme a break. I'm playing Brandon Middleton just to try to keep up, but it feels dirty — this isn't strategy, it's a loophole. The criminally insane [Tirik Obobber] decoded it and has made it the single tactic he's using — that's part of what it makes it so distasteful to me.

"I'm the first to admit that I missed that in my draft and did not catch up in waivers either — it's just not real football. Run it back over 30 yards and I'm willing to concede a point, but notching 15-20 points per game because your team's getting rolled up on and you're getting mediocre run backs is just not football.

"All that said, I want to grudgingly congratulate my esteemed colleague from Cambridge, Dave the Animal, for his season-high score and welcome him to the NFFA's elite 200 Club. Those of us in the Club eagerly await the reopening of the Cherry Bomb and inviting Dave to join us in QCurl's exclusive 'CC' room for the traditional initiation ceremony. Biggs will provide much entertainment." In an homage to their shared mentor Jorge, Mojo D then threw back his head and laughed silently.

When asked about the Mojo's shifting front office, Mojo D read from a prepared statement. "The Pompatus of Love has returned to her preferred role as team inspiration. CO Jones is still the team enforcer, and rumors that he tossed Visante Shiancoe out of the team plane for his goose-egg performance cannot be proven, but are true. The team and Tom Brady are looking at legal options to deal with the Commissioner's outrageous suspension. The Beelzebubbas have loaned us their consigliere and noted first-amendment expert L.S. DeHayes to explore what's possible. We're paying his fine from the coffee can that says "Commish's Crazy Box," but Money's actions are just unAmerican. I've said along that he's a dangerously unbalanced sociopath and he's just showing his ass now. I think the Mojo is all up in his head since we were the last ones to beat those mangy Dogs. Even though he's mostly untouchable, he's still freaking out about facing the Mojo. Anything to be in Money's head — I'm for it."