NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

CHERRY BOMB SET TO REOPEN Coincides with Bakers-Bubbas clash and Bacchanal preview party

Libyan security forces patrol Quaddafi's Bedouin tent in Sevier Park.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

12 SOUTH — Just in time for the season’s first meeting between the Bakers and Beelzebubbas, the hallowed Cherry Bomb Café will reopen its doors this Friday — and host what organizers have dubbed as a “Bacchanal Preview Party.”

The guest list for the fund-raising event — proceeds help defray costs for the rebuilding of the club — is a closely held secret. However, rumors swirled this week that among the attendees will be First Lady Michelle Obama, who previously had been a guest of Bakers’ owner QCurl Sharif for a draft night party in late August.

Other rumored invitees include longtime Bakers’ ticket holders Jack and Frank May, Nashvegas Mayor Karl Dean, David Letterman, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, Adam Dread, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Congressman Steve Cohen, Joe Namath, the Duchess of Kent, Tom Arnold, Marsha Blackburn and Tony Dorsett. Dorsett is said to be negotiating with the Bakers to become the team’s new Mr. TD mascot in return for dropping a copyright infringement lawsuit against the team.

Some residents of Baker Nation complained that the private party was “undemocratic” and “against all the best Baker traditions,” in the words of superfan Bill Cheatham. Cheatham’s threat to lead a mass demonstration led Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn to issue a statement: “No NFFA team has had a more intimate relationship with its fans, and I mean that in the most intimate sense of the word, than the Bakers and the Baker Nation. The Cherry Bomb is the people’s house. We simply ask for our fans to understand that we wouldn’t have been able to bring back the people’s house without the financial contributions of our VHPs — Very Helpful People.

“That being said — Mr. Cheatham is hereby invited — plus one.”

Along with its much beloved long bar and sports book, the reopened Cherry Bomb will include several new features, including a new wing of the Baker Museum dedicated to former QB Steve McNair and a Turkish bath area open to Black Card members. It was in the old Turkish bath area that McNair would recover and recharge, and the new one dutifully presents his bust as you enter.

The café celebrates the return of long-time chief mixologist Devlin Redd with two new drinks to complement its proprietary Touchdown Taser™. One, which Redd is said to have concocted for an Amy Winehouse-hosted birthday bash for Sharif, is known as the Mazel Tov Cocktail — a potent mix of Grey Goose with a skim layer of kerosene on top, which is ignited and served flaming. “Adam [Sandler] calls it the Lake Erie, but it doesn’t sound as festive, and besides, the flaming part is only temporary until the kerosene burns off,” says Redd.

The second new signature drink, which will be available only following Bakers’ wins, is known as the Seventh Seal. “It’s a little like a 7 & 7,” explained Redd, “but with some secret ingredients for extra kick. I can say the words absinthe and ether.

"Let’s just say it’s a revelation, and ‘revelation’ is not a word we use lightly around here.”

Sharif will personally cut the ribbon for the new facility after team officials discovered his whereabouts on Monday. Sharif had last been seen passed out in the party tent of Qaddafi outside New York City, where the Bakers’ owner had addressed the United Nations General Assembly. Somehow, as the Libyan leader’s camp was packed, Sharif apparently was flown to Tripoli, where he was informed of his team’s two consecutive losses as a traditional “sheep’s eyeball feast” was held in his honor. Sharif and Qaddafi arrived by private jet on Tuesday night, and the latter’s Bedouin tent was erected in Sevier Park.

In a rare public appearance, league founder and Beelzebubbas’ Chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo will attend the grand opening along with his fianceé, actress January Jones. Beelzebubbas’ coach Boyd X. Biggs will lead the invocation, followed by a moment of silence for longtime Bacchanal emcee, Haven Hamilton, who died in September. “It won’t be the same without Haven,” Biggs said, “but death goes on.”