By Damon Bunyan
Ideaology of Sport Magazine
NASHVILLE — After two nights of heart-wrenching talks, the 12th Ave. Bakers have decided to keep Snoop Dogg as head coach, despite a six-game skid, and despite the rumors flying around Bakertown that the winningest coach in franchise history was about to be canned mid-season.
At a press conference this afternoon in the Dali banquet room of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, owner QCurl Sharif and Dogg stood alongside one another at the podium and talked of salvaging even this worst of seasons, the future of Amy Winehouse, and the racist tendencies found in the league and American society as a whole.
"I think the Curl felt the swirl when we first sat down the other night," Dogg said. "But he's obviously disappointed in the way this has all run downhill after those first couple of weeks. Hell, nobody's more disappointed than the big Sniz. I've got to put my third eye back on the team. The other two are too bloodshot to see anything anyway."
A misty-eyed Sharif pointed out that the Forget To Hate campaign started by his dear friend McMizzle actually triggered a chain reaction throughout the Bakers' front office in which the top brass realized they actually had forgotten to hate.
"We were going soft," Sharif said. "I think we thought we could win in this league on glitz and flash without killing anyone. I personally am re-dedicating myself to cold murder. And, I really think we can get back on the hatewagon this weekend in Atlanta. I know some of our key players have disappeared of late and the last straw was Lardarius Webb's laying down against the Animals the other night. If these guys think they can sleepwalk their way to the top, they're gonna wind up playing for some of those idiots in the Linardo Division."
Dogg agreed. Though unable to explain the disparity in the NFFA this year, he still felt the balance will return.
"In reality, these guys over in the Linardo shack are living within an illlusion. They are an enema wrapped inside a girdle. For one thing, those owners are a collection of white men that like to live off the strength of others. You know what I'm sayin? They have their boats, they have their linen suits, they live in the marbled halls and have no clue to the rhythm of the street. Evil walks over there, for shizzle. That drum you hear comin off the USS Corsair ain't the pep band..
"And even though the owners in the Jorge scene are white too, they don't know it. We don't see color over here. In fact, we do so many substances, the owners have become transparent. Curl adapts to the environment like an effin' chameleon! I think it's all about bad karma and the new Colonialism, and the Tea Party, that the owners in the Linardo Division represent. And, just because of that, I think you'll see the balance of power return to the NFFA over the next few weeks. The Bakes gonna hate and do their share!"
Later in the press conference, Sharif ordered Touchdown Tasers for everyone present and asked for a moment of silence to recognize the gravity of the moral fight in front of everyone, before downing the drinks and removing all manner of clothing. As the people, including the press, began to intermingle, some pairing off, and others gathering in steaming groups, Sharif urged all to "stick it to the man!"
"Remember, we're taking the high road," he said, swaying to an organic melody known only to him. Then, as the Cherry Bomb began to seethe, the crowd was treated to the sight of Amy Winehouse being lowered from a vaulted ceiling on the back of a bleeding, bellowing, and dying bull, wearing the new trademark 'Remember To Hate" t-shirt now on sale at the Bakers' gift shop.
Sharif continued to shout above the din as the speakers began to wail with "Back To Black," urging the spontaneous revelers to note the Bakers were still only two games back in their division, and to "kill, suck, thrill!"
