Monday, November 23, 2015

THE FIX IS IN
Hillsboro Villager witnesses collusion

Village Green fan Seymour Points (left) says Corsairs owner Mojo D (right) used intimidation and threats to affect the Green's lineup this past weekend.


By Heywood Jablomee
United Web Press International

As if team owner Donald Trump didn’t have enough on his plate, rumors of fixing lineups for the Village Green has been confirmed.

In a brief statement, Seymour Points, a newly settled Villager noted, “I was at the Goodrow-A-Go-Go and saw Stuart Smalley reading through texts from rival Mojo D. I could make out phrases like, “render chaos unto the other division” and "execute the ... lineup changes, or else!”

Reached for comment, Coach Smalley said, “Mojo D has always offered advice, but this was an open threat. He said there’d be "hell to pay coming wedding day" if I don’t pick up (kicker) Cairo Santos.  I didn’t realize how much interest he had in the performance of my team!” The inferred threat made by "Capn’ D" was in reference to the planned wedding of the team coach in May of 2016. 

From the campaign trail, Green owner Donald Trump screamed, “First, this joker Ben Carson who doesn’t have the balls to kick Mexicans out of our contrry, and now this joker threatnening my homeboy Stuart. Back off Homo D, you don’t want to f—k with me!"

Some local Villagers are questioning the valdity of statments made by Mr. Points. Sources point out that he is one of a handful of New Yorkers flush with cash from his winnings from FanDuel and now a gambling refugee in the Volunteer State. At press time, Mayor Megan Barry and Commissioner Money have launched an investigation into the allegation of lineup fixing and the testimony of Mr. Points.