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| President Trump announced yesterday that Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal (far right) is now leading the Covid-19 task force. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Promising to bring a different approach to controlling the pandemic that has created a global health emergency, Dave the Animal was placed in charge of President Trump’s Covid-19 Task Force on Tuesday afternoon.
The surprise announcement followed an all-night meeting between DTA and Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, who had led the task force until yesterday. Details of what took place at the meeting remain sketchy. “Let’s just say they discussed various pharmacological approaches,” said one well-placed source inside the White House.
Trump introduced DTA at the daily White House briefing, describing the appointment as yet another campaign promise fulfilled. “I told you in 2016 that I had all the best people,” Trump said, “and here he is. Dave came to my attention when I owned the world’s most prestigious fantasy football league and was drawing the biggest crowds, such amazing crowds.”
When his turn came at the podium, DTA began with a solemn announcement: “We’re dealing with a very serious situation,” he said. “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have traveled backward in time to reach here. In the future, where I came from, the virus had killed the entire human race except for consumers of methamphetamines. That is why I established Methlon Enterprises in hopes of altering the timeline and saving humankind.
“But it wasn’t enough,” DTA continued as members of the media sat transfixed. “We couldn’t reach enough consumers, given the artificial and harmful barriers imposed by the law. Now, the only way to avert a human near-extinction event is to negotiate directly with the virus and alter the timeline that way. Last night, we achieved a potential breakthrough.”
Using what he called synthetic psilocybin hybrids created in Methlon’s Walter White Research Laboratories, DTA explained, “I made first contact with the Covid-19 virus — who, by the way, prefers to be called Corona. We talked for 30 minutes. I introduced him to Jared, and we hope to begin an ongoing dialogue.
“A negotiated settlement is the only way forward,” DTA continued. “We have to find out Corona’s demands — who knows, maybe it’s just a warm petri dish and some really good Chicago-style pizza every night? — and the only way to do that is by talking. As I told the president, I’m a writer, not a fighter.”
As reporters clamored to be heard, Woody Larry of Fantasy Sports Illustrated yelled, “Rudy Giuliani told the president that you have created a vaccine. Is that true?”
“What is true,” said DTA after a long pause, “is that I told Mayor Giuliani that we had products at Methlon that could kill the virus. And then he ran out of the room fumbling with his cellphone before I could add that some of our products will kill anything that moves as well as many things that don’t. We had been developing them under contract with the Pentagon.”
According to reports last weekend, Giuliani had been telling Trump that a vaccine existed. On Tuesday, FSN learned that Giuliani persuaded a select group of clients and contacts, including members of Trump’s family, to invest heavily in Methlon stock.
“So do you have a vaccine?” Larry persisted.
“I’d hesitate to say that we have a proven vaccine, in the way that the word vaccine is traditionally understood, said DTA, gesturing with air quotes as he uttered the word vaccine. “What we have right now will certainly keep the recipient from dying of the virus. The side-effects are another story. But even if we did have an immunizing agent ready to go, I’m not sure that Corona would take kindly to us injecting humans with dead members of his virus family, and this could lead to a deadly escalation in violence. As I said before, we have to talk. Violence is not the answer.”
As DTA finished, Vice President Mike Pence began applauding and then asked reporters to join him in singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” — a song, ironically, that DTA has long maintained was the product of an opium-induced hallucination by composer Francis Scott Key. During the round of applause, and while Trump hugged a U.S. flag behind the podium, Dr. Anthony Fauci fainted and had to be revived before being led away.
Stocks experienced a sharp decline when the markets opened on Wednesday morning, and trading was halted for the day by 10 a.m.
FSN will update this ongoing story regularly with new developments.
