FOREBODING INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM ANIMALS

Have we seen the last of DTA? 

The Associated Web Press received the following information from a source within the Cambridge Animals organization yesterday. Its authenticity has been confirmed.

Unable to bear the humiliation of defeat, DTA has begun construction of a pyramid next to his Cambridge, Massachusetts compound where he and Nancy will hoard their empire's vast possessions, lie together one last time, and set off a holy conflagration that will, he says, “Blaze up into the heavens for all eternity, because it will be fueled by some fifty thousand tons of fine crack cocaine and crystal.”

In a statement read by the ghost of Garrett Morris for the benefit of the Linardos, DTA says, “All of my life has been modeled upon that other great world leader and female impersonator Cleopatra VII, and so shall be my death.” 

He will of course be followed in death by his entire, devoted “Staff of Ten Thousand”:  Animal Spokesperson (G.O.) Leon Spinks, Animal Consort and Head Coach Joe Willie Namath, Team Plaything Lance Alworth, various exotic animals, along with all the other mulleted redneck freaks who've helped him build his empire in garages and feed stores across this great land of ours.

In honor of his own mixed heritage and in light of the Michael Vick tragedy, he has humbly requested that all the Southern NFFA owners free their slaves at once, “and if any of those owners have loved DTA enough to allow those slaves to beat them to death with cats, so be it: their remains may then rest for all time alongside mine and Nancy's, assuming of course that Nancy actually burns, which is in some doubt.”  

— Spinks, Ghost of

CAN ANYONE STOP THE ANIMALS' AWESOME AWESOMENESS

 Former ring winners (lower L-R) Tarik Obobber, Lex Dominica and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs hope to stop DTA (above) and the streaking Cambridge Animals in their quest for a first NFFA title.  
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Owner of the hottest team in the NFFA and 2010 Coach of the Year, Dave the Animal begins his quest for his first championship ring Thursday night, and the question on everyone's mind is this: Can anyone stop the Cambridge Animals' awesome awesomeness?

Music City Sports Book is drinking the DTA Kool-Aid, installing the Animals as 3-2 favorites for the title, followed by the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (3-1), the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (5-1)  and the Atlanta Smack Daddies (6-1).

According to MCSB spokesperson House Wynn, the Animals, who dethroned the East Nashville Black Dogs in the Jorge division, get the nod because "they have quarterback Tom Brady and the other teams don't."

When it comes to championships, DTA's three opponents all have been there and done that — both Lex Dominica (Smack Daddies) and Tarik Obobber (Sea Hogs) have two titles, and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs (Beelzebubbas) has one.

But DTA, who is a self-proclaimed coaching genius, is not without playoff experience. The Animals were upset by the Southall Block Rockers in the 2004 championship game and also made the playoffs in 2006. DTA's coaching genius is widely recognized, having not only developed quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but also pioneered the controversial 2Q system, which was struck down two years ago as illegal by Commissioner William D. Money. This season, he is credited with reviving the career of Brady, whom he shrewdly obtained in a trade with the Midtown Mojo.

In fact, after the Sea Hogs and the East Nashville Black Dogs, the Animals have been the third-most successful franchise in the seven-season, playoff era, as the table below shows.

One of DTA's rivals for the title admitted to this reporter that "it may be the Animals' year to get a championship."

 If Animals fall short in their goal of a first title, the Daddies and Hogs will try to become the first team with three championships, while the 'Bubbas will attempt to become the fourth team with two rings. (In addition to the Smack Daddies and Sea Hogs, the Black Dogs have two titles.)

SHARIF HAS A VISION; EMANUEL GONE

An artist's rendering of QCurl Sharif's backyard. Sharif has fired new GM Rahm Emanuel in a surprise move, supporting his coach, and called for a party.

By Faith Popcorn
BAKERS PR

NASHVILLE -- The 12th Ave. Bakers' front office, in a tersely worded press release, revealed this morning that GM Rahm Emanuel has been fired, effective immediately. Owner QCurl Sharif, visibly impaired, and a beaming head coach Snoop Dogg, enjoyed a conciliatory lunch together today at the venerable Cherry Bomb Cafe.

The Bakers (4-8) have had a miserable season, after high expectations, and Sharif had brought Emanuel in a month ago in an attempt to right a listing ship. It had been speculated in recent weeks that Snoop's job was in jeopardy as the losses continued to pile up, but apparently Sharif has had a change of heart.

"I always said I would walk through hell behind this guy," Sharif told the small crowd. "And we are walking through there right now. Snoop's boots are on fire but his head is full of ice. In fact, he's a walking Touchdown Taser."

The Bakers fell to the East Nashville Black Dogs this past week, dashing any feeble hope of a final push for the playoffs. The team is now 0-4 in the division for 2010, and Dogg's career record stands square at 20-20 following yet another narrow defeat. Still, the owner is throwing his support behind the winningest coach in Baker history. They face the division-leading and ancient rival West Nashville Beelzebubbas this weekend.

Sharif alluded to a vision he had Tuesday night after his dinner.

"My trusted aide, Bear Bear, had burned the dried husks of the fabled powpow flower at my table and I was transported to a beautiful place where men of all race and creed wrestled with one another and slathered lard onto the faces of several enormous statues standing nearby.

"I was stunned by the beauty of the setting ... a long and narrow pool flanked by a verdant green beneath a cloudless and blue sky with perhaps one hundred men in various grappling poses. Then, rising from the center of the pool, I saw the ghosts of past NFFA greats and the ghosts of ghosts — our players, owners, coaches and mascots — in a parade of the mind.

"There soon followed the fans — those who had died in revelry and wild support — led by the multi-breasted goddess Artemis who carried fallen Baker Steve McNair suckled fast against her. And I cried great heroic tears for my brothers and realized the blessing I have here in this league. And, as the lard began to drip from the statues, the faces revealed were of the original owners — even myself — and they looked down on me and a voice rose in crystal from the water and spoke 'Bacchanal.'

"And as the wind of the fabled powpow lifted me and transported me further again to a brothel, I came to know my duty. Fire Emanuel. He knows nothing of Snoop or of this terrible and wondrous place we call the NFFA."

For a moment, the crowd at the Cherry Bomb was taken aback, followed by broken applause and a growing chant of "Bacchanal ... Bacchanal..." Snoop Dogg seemed to bask in the glow of wounded Baker pride.

"Shizznit on the fuzznut," he said, taking Sharif by both hands. "We gonna break wizzle on the Beelze-skizzle."