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| Will the Bakers make Michael Sam the first pick in the NFFA draft? |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Loose lips, it was said during World War II, sink ships. Now, they also reveal draft strategies.
According to several witnesses, Bakers GM Faith Popcorn let slip that the team’s brain trust had decided to select linebacker Michael Sam with the first pick in the NFFA draft this summer.
The witnesses said that Popcorn leaked the team’s plans to Saddam Hussein early Sunday morning, over drinks in Club Gitmo’s fabled Palenque Room. “She had one too many mushroom matés,” one witness commented. “It veered pretty quickly into TMI (too much information). The draft stuff was the tame part. I’m not comfortable repeating some of the stories about QCurl.”
According to all of the witnesses interviewed, drafting Sam would be part of a strategy to obtain QB Tom Brady from the Cambridge Animals. Because Sam recently revealed that he is gay, the Bakers’ thinking went, the Animals would give anything to have him on their roster. Thus, by selecting him with the first pick, the Bakers could make a trade offer — Sam for Brady — that the Animals would be “orientationally unable” to refuse.
Hussein, who has lived at Club Gitmo since officially receiving asylum from the sovereign Choctaw and Chickasaw Nations, could not be reached Monday for comment.
A person answering the phone at the Bakers team offices said Popcorn was unavailable.
“It seemed like the slip was inadvertent,” one witness said. “Who knows, maybe she was spreading some disinformation just to mess with the Animals. I mean, that’s how Sharif rolls, but Faith has always been a straight shooter.”
According to several witnesses, Bakers GM Faith Popcorn let slip that the team’s brain trust had decided to select linebacker Michael Sam with the first pick in the NFFA draft this summer.
The witnesses said that Popcorn leaked the team’s plans to Saddam Hussein early Sunday morning, over drinks in Club Gitmo’s fabled Palenque Room. “She had one too many mushroom matés,” one witness commented. “It veered pretty quickly into TMI (too much information). The draft stuff was the tame part. I’m not comfortable repeating some of the stories about QCurl.”
According to all of the witnesses interviewed, drafting Sam would be part of a strategy to obtain QB Tom Brady from the Cambridge Animals. Because Sam recently revealed that he is gay, the Bakers’ thinking went, the Animals would give anything to have him on their roster. Thus, by selecting him with the first pick, the Bakers could make a trade offer — Sam for Brady — that the Animals would be “orientationally unable” to refuse.
Hussein, who has lived at Club Gitmo since officially receiving asylum from the sovereign Choctaw and Chickasaw Nations, could not be reached Monday for comment.
A person answering the phone at the Bakers team offices said Popcorn was unavailable.
“It seemed like the slip was inadvertent,” one witness said. “Who knows, maybe she was spreading some disinformation just to mess with the Animals. I mean, that’s how Sharif rolls, but Faith has always been a straight shooter.”
Dominica Eyes Christian Radio Stations
Lex Dominica, owner of the NFFA champion Atlanta Smack Daddies, was spotted in Nashville Monday during the annual meeting of Christian radio broadcasters at the Opryland Hotel.
In tow with Dominica were Toronto mayor Rob Ford, the team’s new general manager, and longtime director of the Dominica Foundation, Alge Crumpler.
Sources said Dominica was considering the purchase of a family of Christian radio stations to expand the Smack Daddies Radio Network and reach a largely untapped audience for broadcasts of the team’s games. “Personally,” said Crumpler, who continues to direct Alge’s Touchdown Club for the Daddies, “I’m all about tapping new audiences.”
Given what some have called the NFFA’s “free-wheeling, freebasing style,” some wondered whether Christian stations would be a good fit for the Smack Daddies Radio Network. “I don’t know what could be more American and more American Christian than going to church on Sunday morning and tuning into an NFFA game on Sunday afternoon,” Crumpler said. “And it’s not like our team has been linked to illegal drugs, human pit fighting, abetting North Korea, the homosexual agenda, throwing players from airplanes or attacking fans of other teams with dogs, like other teams in this league I could name. We’re the team that Christians can root for.
“Plus, we have an owner who is known around the league as Lord — ‘Lord of the Championship Rings.’”
Distraught O’Bobber Checks into Clinic
FSN has learned that Sea Hogs owner Tirik O’Bobber voluntarily checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic for the Criminally Insane last weekend.
Though few details are available, it is known that O’Bobber, who had been treated successfully at the clinic several years ago, had been distraught last week over the imminent loss of his star quarterback, Peyton Manning, under the NFFA’s new keeper rules. Witnesses had seen the reclusive owner walking around his Fidalgo Island compound muttering, “Oh Peytie, Peytie, Peytie, Peytie.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Sea Hogs official told FSN that, while O’Bobber was currently sane, he had feared a relapse into his former lifestyle — one that had led him into kidnapping, sex trafficking and involvement with North Korean counterfeiting, among other offenses, and had led ultimately to an invasion of Fidalgo Island by the U.S. Army.
“All of us involved in the league are praying for Tirik’s speedy recovery,” said Bakers owner QCurl Sharif in a brief statement yesterday. “And that includes Satan and Shiva.”
Though few details are available, it is known that O’Bobber, who had been treated successfully at the clinic several years ago, had been distraught last week over the imminent loss of his star quarterback, Peyton Manning, under the NFFA’s new keeper rules. Witnesses had seen the reclusive owner walking around his Fidalgo Island compound muttering, “Oh Peytie, Peytie, Peytie, Peytie.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Sea Hogs official told FSN that, while O’Bobber was currently sane, he had feared a relapse into his former lifestyle — one that had led him into kidnapping, sex trafficking and involvement with North Korean counterfeiting, among other offenses, and had led ultimately to an invasion of Fidalgo Island by the U.S. Army.
“All of us involved in the league are praying for Tirik’s speedy recovery,” said Bakers owner QCurl Sharif in a brief statement yesterday. “And that includes Satan and Shiva.”
