GUNMAN INVADES CHERRY BOMB Hostage situation defused by quick-thinking bartender

Powers Boothe was taken hostage by a gunman at The Cherry Bomb last night.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

A man screaming “Where are the child slaves?!” and wielding an AR-15 assault rifle stormed into The Cherry Bomb Café Tuesday night, creating a tense hostage situation until a quick-witted bartender managed to surprise and subdue him. No one was injured during the incident.

Police were called to the storied 12South nightspot around 9 p.m. after Chief Mixologist Devlin Redd triggered a security alarm. The armed intruder told patrons that he had read reports on Breitbart and Infowars that café owner QCurl Sharif operated a child sex slavery ring from a basement tunnel complex at the club and had come to stop it.

When a police S.W.A.T. team arrived, they found that the gunman had taken the club’s only patron as a hostage — actor Powers Boothe, who was watching the Bakers-Black Dogs playoff game on TV. The tense standoff ended, Redd told reporters, after he threw a Touchdown Taser® in the gunman’s face and the potent ingredients in the drink temporarily blinded him. 

The man, who was wearing a red “Make America Great Again” ballcap, was identified as G.D. “Yosemite” Sams, a right-wing blogger from Idaho. As he was led away, Sams — whom records show to be a Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs season-ticket holder — screamed, “You should be going after Sharif! Lock him up! Lock him up!”

Sharif, who relocated to London in August, could not be reached for comment.

After the gunman was subdued, Redd offered to take reporters into the basement of the café, which does contain a tunnel connecting The Cherry Bomb to the next-door offices of Vatican emissary Cardinal Giorgio Leonardo. (The cardinal was not present during the attack.) “I hope this can clear things up a little,” said Redd as reporters walked through the musty basement area, where they could see nothing but several empty cardboard boxes, a mannequin dressed in Bakers licensed apparel, and a football autographed by the late Rob Bironas. “We want the truth to be known,” said Redd. “Truth is the best disinfectant. In fact, it’s one of the secret ingredients in the Touchdown Taser®.”

By Tuesday morning, The Cherry Bomb was back open for brunch, and police officers were being treated to complimentary plates of huevos rancheros and New Mexico salsa verde. “We were lucky last night,” said one of the officers, who declined to give his name. “Since the Bakers left town, nobody but Powers Boothe and the occasional tourist comes here anymore. In the old days, we might have had a bloodbath.”

BREAKING: Authorities in Istanbul want to question Sharif about yesterday’s assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey. A spokesman for the Turkish federal police noted that Sharif’s well-known connection to Ukrainian chocolate mogul Petro Poroschenko, combined with a little-publicized visit he made to Turkey a week ago, make him “a person of intense interest.”

OBOBBER FATHERS OWN PLAYER? New allegation by Anita Hill rocks NFFA

With his image projected on a screen behind her, Anita Hill made a stunning announcement earlier today about her son, Sea Hogs wide receiver Tyreek Hill.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Law professor Anita Hill stunned the sports world Friday with a dramatic allegation: She has an out-of-wedlock child by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber. And now for the other shoe: Their son, says Professor Hill, is Tyreek Hill, one of the members of the Sea Hogs — and was conceived during a 1993 party aboard Obobber’s yacht, where Professor Hill says she was held hostage.

Hill made her claims at a news conference at the Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida, which happens to be owned by NFFA franchisee Donald Trump. In her statement to the media, Professor Hill said she had never told Obobber previously that he was Tyreek Hill’s father — even though she said the child was named for Tirik Obobber. In fact, she said, she had not told Tyreek himself until after his two-touchdown performance on Thursday night.

“I didn’t want to worry him before a big game,” Professor Hill said. In response to a reporter’s question, she said that she hopes Obobber will agree to a paternity test; if not, she intends to pursue legal action that would result in him submitting DNA samples for testing.

Obobber could not be reached on Friday for comment. According to a source within the Sea Hogs organization, he was traveling back to Fidalgo Island after being away on "business."

Professor Hill is no stranger to the spotlight. She created a sensation in 1991 when she alleged that then Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas had harassed her, referring to himself as “Long Dong Silver.” Obobber, for his part, has been accused by several other women — including the daughters of former NFFA Commissioner Bill Money — of holding them hostage as sex slaves aboard his yacht.

Tyreek Hill, reached after practice Friday afternoon, confirmed that his mother had told him about Obobber the night before. “You know, really, I always kind of thought Clarence Thomas was my real daddy,” Tyreek said. “So I’m a little bit bummed if I’m not the son of a Supreme Court judge. On the other hand, it’s kind of cool to be playing football for your daddy. I just hope there’s a place for me in the family after football is over.”

PLAYOFF PICTURE COMES INTO FOCUS Dogs clinch Jorge title Corsairs, Hogs, Daddies eye Linardo Six teams still alive in wild-card chase

Marshawn Lynch speaks to reporters this morning about winning the Jorge division championship in his first season as head coach of the Black Dogs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

With a win over the defending champs from Cambridge this past weekend, East Nashville improved their record to 9-4 and clinched the Jorge division title for the eleventh time in the past thirteen years. The Black Dogs also claimed the No. 1 seed in the playoffs.

"This is the reward you get when you are willing to run through a muthafucka's face over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again," Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch said at his Tuesday presser. "Winning the division was goal number one, and frankly, pretty much expected around here. Now we've got to run through a muthafucka's face three more times to get dat ring."

One reporter in town from Boston asked the Black Dogs how much his team's victory over the Animals was due to "the grandmother of all curses" put on them by the Beelzebubbas, to which Lynch smiled and said, "Well, I don't believe in curses, but the curse is 2-0."

Amazingly, the Black Dogs are the only team to have clinched a playoff berth with only one week to go in the regular season. It's one of the tightest campaigns in the league's fifteen-year history, comparable only to the 2004 season, when the five teams that hadn't clinched a playoff berth were all mathematically still in the hunt for the final wild-card spot on the season's final week.

This year, the other three teams in the Jorge division — Cambridge, London, and West Nashville — all have 6-7 records (assuming West Nashville's one-point win over London holds up) and remain in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth. The Animals and the Bakers square off in Cambridge this weekend, and the Black Dogs head to West Nashville to take on the Beelzebubbas. In Cambridge, the winner will be 7-7 and in the running for one of the two wild-card berths, while the loser will be eliminated. If the 'Bubbas knock off the Dogs, they will finish 7-7, too, and also be in play for a wild-card spot.

In the race for the Linardo division crown, the picture is a little murkier. The Downtown Corsairs and Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are tied atop the division with 7-6 records, but the Sea Hogs own the tiebreaker and would be the division champs if the season ended today. But it doesn't, so 6-7 Atlanta is still in the mix, as well. If the Sea Hogs beat the Daddies this weekend, they will clinch the division title, no matter what the Corsairs do by virtue of the league's tiebreaker system. The first tiebreaker is overall winning percentage, which would be equal for both teams. The second tiebreaker is division winning percentage, and the Hogs have a better division record than the Corsairs. In order for the Corsairs to claim the division title, they not only need to knock off the Village Green this weekend, but they need the Daddies to defeat the Sea Hogs.

On the other hand, if the Daddies knock off the Sea Hogs and the Village Green defeat the Corsairs, the Daddies, Hogs, and Corsairs would all have 7-7 records and the Daddies would win the division title via the league tiebreakers. The first tiebreaker (overall winning percentage) would be equal for all three teams. The second tiebreaker (division winning percentage) would eliminate the Corsairs, but there would still be at tie between the Daddies and Hogs — both would be 4-2 in the division. That would bring the third tiebreaker, total points scored, into play, and the Daddies have scored 130.6 more points than the Hogs, a seemingly impossible margin for the Hogs to overcome in one game. So, the Daddies would win the division and the Hogs and Corsairs would then fight it out with at least one other 7-7 team from the Jorge division for the two wild-card playoff spots.

Unfortunately for president-elect Donald Trump, his Green team was eliminated from the championship playoff hunt this past weekend with their loss to the Sea Hogs. After the Hogs' come-from-behind win Sunday evening, Trump went on a Twitter rampage Monday morning, disparaging team owner Tirik Obobber.

Obobber was not available for comment at press time. A source close to the embattled owner said he was on his yacht, still celebrating his victory over Trump's team. "He just did what Hillary couldn't do — beat Trump," the source explained. "So he threw a party for the team featuring 50 Korean hookers, 25 cases of Dom Perignon, and a quarter pound of Sour Diesel primo buds."

There is one thing left for Trump's Green to play for: If they knock off the Corsairs this weekend, they will deny their hated rivals the division crown, and possibly even a berth in the playoffs.

SIDEBAR: Wild-card possibilities

Six teams remain in contention for the final two wild-card berths. The first tiebreaker for the wild-card berths is head-to-head record, and the second is total points scored. Here are the sixteen different playoff scenarios entering week 14:

Playoff seedings, scenario 1 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 2 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 3 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Smack Daddies (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the Hogs by 19.5 points going into the final weekend.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 4 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14.

Playoff seedings, scenario 5 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Animals (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 6 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,   Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 7 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers,  Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Animals (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Daddies.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 8 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,  Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Animals.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 9 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Beelzebubbas (7-7), depending on which team has the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the 'Bubbas by 58.9 points going into the final weekend.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 10 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 11 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite also being 7-7 and having head-to-head records equal to the Daddies, the Bakers and 'Bubbas would not get the fourth seed and make the playoffs due to having scored fewer total points than the Daddies.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 12 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers and Corsairs would not make the playoffs due to having worse head-to-head records between the three 7-7 teams vying for the fourth wild-card spot.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 13 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the 'Bubbas.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 14 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,   Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 15 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers,  Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Daddies (7-7) 4. Sea Hogs (7-7). (The head-to-head records among the four teams competing for the fourth wild-card spots are all equal, so the final spot will be decided by total points scored, which probably will leave the 7-7 'Bubbas and Animals on the outside looking in. The Sea Hogs lead the 'Bubbas by 39.4 points going into the final weekend and lead the Animals by 77.4 points.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 16 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,  Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals and the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to having the worse head-to-head records between the three teams vying for the final wild-card spot.)

BACCHANAL HEADS TO GROOVY LONDON

Wings over London: Bacchanal 2016

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—In what is proving to be a season of strange parity in the NFFA — the entire league is separated by three games, top to bottom — the London Bakers find themselves in second place of the Jorge Division at 6-6, boasting a 3-1 record within the group. Yet, according to owner QCurl Sharif and coach Snoop Dogg, it is more about doing the right thing than winning a trophy.

"Of course, we want to hoist the ultimate prize here in Trafalgar Square," Sharif said in a rare London sit-down. "But, we moved here because it sends a signal to the new pending American administration. Trump had not been elected when we made the decision, but a night with my closest advisers, along with mushrooms, mescal, and a gentleman's touch of peyote, made it very clear we needed to leave.

"Snoop and I have often spoken about championships and what they would mean to the long-suffering Baker Nation, now a global entity, but we have always placed more emphasis here on championships of the heart. Hell, we may not even make the playoffs after the next two weeks unfold, but I feel that if we stand up to the president-elect — and commission some underground artwork of father-son-daughter-animal kingdom imbroglios — while bringing that NFFA money over here, well, it makes a strong statement. Things aren't perfect here, but I think most present at least believe in science."

As excitement builds for this year's Bacchanal, markedly pronounced since the West Nashville Beelzebubbas have ceded the home field in Nashville and traveled to London for the game, the sense in the old city is that something special is taking hold. The Bubbas made the call to travel to London for the match, and to show solidarity with the Bakers' anti-Trump stance. As an aside, there is rumor that Bakers consultant Sepp Blatter has made overtones to the commissioner about moving the entire league to Europe in 2017 until the hound is driven.

Last year's holiday classic between London (then 12th Avenue)  and West Nashville was almost abstract in its reporting. Arrest reports were not made public, and event and celebrity news was largely covered through a myriad of social media and fake news sources. There is no doubt, though, that the growing British fanbase is getting into the spirit of the rivalry.

"We are looking into a David Bowie tribute thing, possibly, and the Rolling Stones have confirmed," said XY Chrome, a London party fixture who has been hired by the Bakers to assist in event organizing. "But, primarily we want nudity of all kind. Spiritual and physical. We will cordon off Trafalgar Square beginning Friday night and prohibit clothing of any sort. We want to get back to the Bacchanal basics of love that drove this thing in the first place. Our own British Luckenbach, Texas, if you will. Though we don't want any rednecks — just red genitalia. Well, I guess that's a little limiting. We want a red smorgasbord of body parts.

"Of course, the Integrity Dinner will kick things off, and I understand Mr. Poroschenko has a chocolate creation that will speak to the downside of the new world populism sweeping the globe. Not to let the cat out of the bag, but I think it involves a bare-chested Vladimir Putin riding a certain president-elect bareback in dynamic composition. And, as always, it will be an entirely edible piece."

Officials have noted that kickoff Sunday should take place as the party rages, and the game is a complete sellout, even on such short notice. Ticketholders will be allowed certain special Bacchanal access zones following the game and 1,000 lucky fans will be randomly afforded a throwback Purple Owlsley acid trip by simply licking the back of the tickets, themselves. Everyone who licks the ticket will walk away with an indigo stain on the tongue, affording them access to the exclusive party zones. Additionally, three more lucky fans will be fatally poisoned by the ticket and their bodies paraded as part of the Bacchanal festivities.

BUBBAS HEX ANIMALS Santeria high priestess dispenses ‘grandmother of all curses’

The Santeria high priestess at Harvard Square on Monday afternoon.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Last month, reporters at one of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas’ weekly press availabilities laughed when owner Mos Ded announced that he was preparing “the grandmother of all curses” against the Cambridge Animals, who in 2015 had announced the “mother of all curses” against the Bubbas. On Monday afternoon, some of them gasped as Ded kept his promise.

Members of the media covering the Bubbas-Animals game in Cambridge received an invitation to gather at Harvard Square at noon for what the announcement billed as “a revelation of how the NFFA works.” They witnessed the arrival of an elderly woman described as a high priestess of Santeria — an Afro-Caribbean religion involving animal sacrifice. She was dressed all in white except for a red sash and a large red flower in her headdress, and she occasionally puffed on a large, fat cigar.

The priestess was accompanied by Anton Chigur and four members of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team, who spread out white sheets on the floor where the priestess and her “assistant” — a doll dressed in a matching outfit — were to sit. 

As reporters and photographers gathered around, the priestess produced from under her blouse a faded photo of Animals’ owner Dave the Animal, on whose face she drew a mustache and multiple pockmarks with a red Sharpie pen. Then she began to chant a monologue that, except for the words “Cambridge Animals” and “Garfield,” were unintelligible to the onlookers. After several minutes, she turned to the doll and exclaimed, “It is done!” before unleashing a loud, disturbing cackle.

The woman did not remain for questions, nor did reporters attempt to ask any. One member of the FoA security detail, however, did respond to a question about why no chickens were sacrificed in the ritual in accordance to what is widely believed to be a practice of Santeria. “You have just seen an Animal sacrifice,” the guard replied ominously. “No chicken was necessary.”

Significantly, perhaps, the Animals needed less than 12 points Monday to overtake the Bubbas, but their two players in the game scored barely half that amount. As a result, the Bubbas have swept the Animals in the regular season for the second consecutive year.

Afterwards, as he and Chigur were celebrating in the visitors locker room, Ded was asked whether the season sweep made up the Bubbas’ loss to the Animals in last year’s championship game. “No,” Ded replied with a slight smile. “Some debts cannot be repaid.” 

WTA SUSPENDED, LEAGUE TO INVESTIGATE Improper benefits to English teacher alleged

By Ariel Muth-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a startling development, Cambridge Animals’ wunderkind general manager Wilder the Animal was suspended from school Monday after officials claimed he had bribed his freshman English teacher in order to avoid classwork.

WTA leaving BHS after being suspended. 

According to officials at William S. Burroughs High School in Cambridge, where WTA is a student, Wilder had provided his teacher with four club-level season tickets at The Zoo, as the Animals’ stadium is known to fans, plus tickets to the Animals’ game against the Bakers in London. “He was basically making all personnel moves for the team during English class,” said Principal Thurston Howell IV. “And he bribed the teacher not only to look the other way but to give him A’s in everything but poetry. I admire the young man’s entrepreneurial abilities, but this is totally unacceptable behavior for a BHS student.”

Sources said that WTA’s shenanigans came to light when fellow students, who believed Animal the Younger was receiving special treatment, informed the principal. At least one student, however, cast blame elsewhere. “It was kind of cool that all the personnel moves for the NFFA defending champions were getting made right in our classroom,” said the student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “But it was the worst kept secret in town. Everybody but the principal and Mr. Dave the Animal knew about it. This only became a thing because the principal was pissed he was getting cut out on the ticket deal. Wilder will learn from this.”

No length for WTA’s suspension was given, and attempts to reach DTA, who was said to be in New Mexico for the annual chilé harvest, were unsuccessful. 

Reached on Tuesday, Deputy NFFA Commissioner Meadow Soprano promised “a thorough and fair” investigation. “We take allegations of organized crime very seriously,” Soprano said, “especially when it looks as disorganized as this appears to be. I suspect this will be a topic that gets discussed at Mr. Sharif’s annual Integrity Dinner in London this weekend.”

MIDTERM REPORT CARD Parity hits the NFFA

Atlanta Smack Daddies RB David Johnson is the first-half offensive MVP.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

This may be the easiest AWP midterm report card ever. That could be because it’s the closest race ever for the Dead Lombardi trophy at the halfway point. Only two games separate all eight teams.

There is one team with five wins, two teams with four wins, and five teams with three teams — and the three-win teams are all tied (in terms of their record) for the final playoff berth. As far as the grades are concerned, that’s as easy as A-B-C. Well, not quite. Here are the 2016 midterm grades and superlatives:

A- East Nashville Black Dogs (5-2): The Black Dogs have the best record, but have been far from dominant. They’re only fifth in points scored, but have been helped by having the third-fewest points scored against them. Still, this is a team that lost it’s coach and GM in the offseason, and were poised for a big fall, in the opinion of media observers and league insiders. While they may not be running through a “muthafucka’s face,” new GM/coach Marshawn Lynch has the team poised to win their eleventh Jorge division title in thirteen seasons.

B+ Downtown Corsairs (4-3): After starting 0-2, the Corsairs fired their head coach (Megatron) and have won four out of five since naming rock star Jack White as their new coach. White clearly has a lot of time on his hands since announcing he was taking a break from touring. Under White’s direction, they have surged to the top of the Linardo division behind an offense that has scored the second-most points.

B- Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (4-3): With four wins, the Sea Hogs have already surpassed their win total for each of the last two seasons, when they won only three games, so it looks like the insanity may be back. Although they’ve scored the second-fewest points, they also have had the fewest points scored against them, and roll into the second half of the season on a two-game winning streak. Only time will tell if the insanity has truly returned.

C+ Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4): Lex Dominica’s Smack Daddies team has scored the most points, but also has had the second-most scored against them — which seems to be their situation every year. At least one longtime NFFA insider claims it’s because of the curse of the Dominicas. Even so, if the playoffs started today, the Daddies would claim the second wild-card berth.

C West Nashville Beelzebubbas (3-4): Speaking of curses, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal claimed prior to the season to have put the “mother of all curses” on the Beelzebubbas. After a 3-2 start, franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger went down in week six during their game against the Bakers, a game they lost by a tenth of a point. Then they had go with backup QB Derek Carr in their pivotal matchup last weekend with the Black Dogs, and the result was the Bubbas hit the turn on a two-game losing skid and not knowing exactly when Roethlisberger will return. Word on the street is the Bubbas are working on the “grandmother of all curses” for the Animals, bringing in practitioners of Santeria, the Afro-Caribbean religion that involves animal sacrifice.

C London Bakers (3-4): The Bakers are another of the league’s accursed teams, the victim of "the curse of Tom Brady" put on them by DTA at the beginning of last season, just the latest in a long line of curses DTA has directed at the Bakers. But so far in 2016, it was the curse of not having Brady that was the primary cause of their 1-3 start; that and having more points scored against them than any other team. Since Brady returned from his four-game suspension, the Bakes have won two out of the last three, to the delight of their new UK fanbase, particularly new Baker superfan Adele.

C Cambridge Animals (3-4): As reigning champions, the Animals, of course, are enduring a curse of their own: the curse of the champion. In the fourteen-year history of the league, not only has no reigning champion ever repeated, no reigning champion has ever made it back to the title game. Since DTA is the king of casting curses, there is a certain justice to him having to endure a curse of his own. Last season, Animals GM Wilder the Animal looked like a genius in leading the franchise to its second title game and first ring. This season, not so much. Maybe its the curse; or maybe, as one owner suggested, WTA “got a little too big for his britches.” Or maybe it’s because he’s making all his moves at school while he’s in freshman English class. Whatever, WTA has been on the wrong-way rollercoaster with the team’s two franchise QBs — Drew Brees and Philip Rivers — prompting DTA to demand that Brees be the permanent starter, according to a source close to the team. Despite the familial friction, WTA has guided the team to a two-game winning streak to avert a disaster.

C The Village Green (3-4): After a 3-1 start, the Green slid into the halfway mark on a three-game losing jag, the result of “rigged” games according to team owner Donald Trump, who went on a Twitter rampage after losing to the Corsairs. “Mojo D is a total loser,” he tweeted. The Donald already is tweeting about the rematch with his hated rivals, vowing on social media to “grab the Corsairs by the pussy.” The Green started 3-1 with Carson Palmer under center, but after Palmer missed week five with an injury, Coach Stuart Smalley has gone with Dak Prescott and Tyrod Taylor at QB, and the result has been three-straight losses to finish the first half of the season. Some league insiders think Trump ordered Smalley to bench Palmer after learning the California native is a registered Democrat. Others say if Trump weren’t distracted by his presidential campaign, Smalley would have lost his job already. That may change after November 8. 

Superlatives

First-Half Offensive MVP: David Johnson, RB, Atlanta Smack Daddies: Johnson is on pace to score more than 290 points and could break 300 points, something no player other than quarterbacks has accomplished.

First-Half Defensive MVP: Landon Collins, S, Downtown Corsairs: Collins is on pace to score more than 170 points, with an outside shot at 200.

BUBBAS TO LEAGUE: 'ASK DAD' Team denies collusion in Cam injury

Bubbas' VP Chuck Barris outside Wendell Smith's restaurant Wednesday morning.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Responding to allegations made yesterday by the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas denied they were involved in any “improper collusion” surrounding the injury of the Daddies’ QB Cam Newton in last weekend’s game.

“Collusion is no stranger to this league,” said Bubbas’ VP Chuck Barris in the opening statement of a rambling press conference Wednesday morning outside Wendell Smith’s restaurant on Charlotte Avenue. “In fact, you might say this league runs on collusion. If hate is the fuel for the engine, collusion is in the NFFA’s oil tank. 

“So we take it as a tribute to our fidelity to this league’s founding principles to be accused of collusion. I wish we could say we deserved it in this case, but we just cannot honestly claim it here.”

According to Barris, communication did occur between the parties. Newton’s father, Reverend Cecil Newton, arrived at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo offices last week and asked for a meeting with team chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo. “It was very spiritual,” Barris said. “He said he had been praying all week, and that is what led him to us. He invited us all to his church on Sunday, and he said he believed we would receive a very special blessing if we made a contribution of $100,000 or more to his ministry, You can ask Dad.”

Barris confirmed that a delegation from the team, led by Dr. Linardo, was on the front pew for Sunday morning worship services at the elder Newton’s church. He also confirmed that he placed a sealed envelope in the collection plate but refused to describe its contents.

Later that afternoon, Cam Newton left the game, under the league’s concussion protocols, after he inexplicably stopped running as he was about to cross the goal line for a touchdown and allowed himself to take a blow from an opposing defensive back. Newton appeared to look toward the right corner of the end zone just before he reached the goal. Grainy video footage showed someone who resembles Barris standing next to the wall beyond that corner of the end zone, but no positive identification has been possible so far.

Yesterday, the Smack Daddies filed a formal complaint alleging collusion with NFFA Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano, the daughter of the Daddies’ late president and GM, Tony Soprano.

“We were invited to church, and we went,” Barris said. “As Americans, we exercised our God-given freedom of religion. I can’t believe I’m having to defend that. Even the Cambridge Animals believe in freedom of religion.

“And this whole incident raises some fundamental questions about who we are. As I already stated, we were not involved in any collusion to our knowledge. But what if we were? The Daddies’ accusation treats collusion as if it were a bad thing. It makes you wonder what this league is coming to.

“I can’t believe my friend Lex Dominica would make this charge. I bet if you ask him tomorrow, he’ll say he was just yanking your media chains to amuse himself. This is obviously a simple misunderstanding.”

SMACK DADDIES CALL FOR INVESTIGATION

Smack Daddies QB Cam Newton sporting his fashion-forward Harry Potter look.

By Burman Fisher
FSN Sports

ATLANTA—Roger Ailes, the newly appointed Grand Master of Communications for the Atlanta Smack Daddies, has raised what he termed “a blatant and ill-conceived attempt” by the NFFA, Rupert Murdoch and  the West Nashville Beelezbubbas to fix the outcome of this week’s showdown.

“It’s just evil” Ailes snorted. “Even Dick Cheney told me this was over the top.”

According to Ailes, Smack Daddies’ stud quarterback Cam Newton was escorted off the field early in the 4th quarter by game officials after passing for a touchdown and running for a two-point conversion in the Panthers stunning 48-33 loss to the Atlanta Falcons. It was announced to the pressbox that Newton was being entered into the league’s concussion protocol.

 “The simple fact that Newton was allegedly entered into the NFL’s concussion protocol is a farce,” the rotund, right-wing media savant said to the gathered crowd in the Smack Daddies locker room after the game.

“It’s simple. There’s nothing there to concuss.” he said. “Anybody with half a brain would know that. It’s been clearly documented. All you have to do is talk to his teachers at Blinn Junior College or watch his time at John Gruden’s quarterback school,’ he added. “There’s nobody home.” 

Cam Newton at Gruden QB School

When asked how Newton was able to stay eligible and lead Auburn to a mythical national championship and the Carolina Panthers to the Super Bowl, Ailes said anything was possible. He asserted that people very rarely want to peek behind the curtain. 

“Just look at Donald Trump. I’ve only been assisting this orangutan on his campaign for less than a month and he’s moved within single digits of that cow, Hillary Clinton,” Ailes said. “Only half-wits and those swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool haven’t figured out that Trump is using this election to hold the Clintons hostage in broad daylight. There’s a big payoff coming,” he said. 

When asked if he thought the Smack Daddies quarterback had suffered any injury during the game, Ailes merely rolled his eyes and offered his opinion.

“The only thing Cam’s injured is the nation’s fashion sense. Have you seen any of his outfits for his postgame press conferences?” Ailes sighed. “Hell, one time he came out dressed like a black Harry Potter, and another time he looked like Professor Hill in The Music Man. When he came out with a fake foxtail attached to his pants, I thought Ron (Rivera) was gonna shit,” Ailes said. 

“This is one jacked up league.”

UPDATE:

FSN Sports has learned the Smack Daddies have filed a formal complaint with deputy commissioner Meadow Soprano.

NEW CORSAIRS COACH MAKES RYMAN CAMEO

Yusuf Islam, aka Cat Stevens, had a surprise for the audience at The Ryman Auditorium last night: new Downtown Corsairs coach Jack White.

By HEYWOOD JABLOME
United Web Press International

Trump's Green No. 1 in L division.

The Downtown Corsairs offices were a hubbub of activity last week. Guitars were being moved in for new coach Jack White, players were cut, and air fresheners were being installed to rid the room of the STINK of an awful 1-2 start. 

"And now the new coach is spending time on the stage of the Ryman?" That's what The Donald wondered aloud as he left the Mother Church Tuesday evening after a performance by Yusuf Islam, nee Cat Stevens, that featured a cameo by White.

"Cat's music is amazing," Trump continued. "Let me tell you something, it's HUGE. But to see the Corsairs coach on stage? I'm loving every minute of this loser wasting his time. My 2-1 start is amazing."

The Trump campaign team was clear to note that watching Yusuf was in no way endorsing Islam.

ANIMALS TRY TO REVIVE 2Q SYSTEM New pickup Terrelle Pryor plays three positions, including QB

New Animals wide receiver Terrelle Pryor moves behind center on some snaps.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Back in 2009, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal introduced his now-infamous "2Q" system, so-named because it featured two quarterbacks in the Animals' starting lineup, something they achieved by hacking the NFFA's computer system. The league's cyber security experts quickly closed the backdoor to the system that DTA had used to implement the 2Q, but now seven years later, the Animals are again trying to circumvent the intent of league rules by fielding more than one quarterback.

Yesterday afternoon, Cambridge GM Wilder the Animal added free agent wide receiver Terrelle Pryor to the Animals' roster after noticing that in addition to playing receiver, Pryor was taking snaps at quarterback, as well as playing some running back. When reached for comment by the AWP, and asked specifically if he was trying to revive his father's 2Q system, WTA said, "What's that? I've never heard anything about [2Q]." 

While it is true the wunderkind who led the franchise to its first NFFA title last season had not yet joined the team in 2009, his claim of ignorance is hardly credible. DTA has often boasted publicly of "pioneering the 2Q offense" in the time since WTA became the team's general manager. 

When the AWP caught up with Commissioner Jim McMahon at league headquarters and asked if he planned to take action as commissioner to stop the Animals from having two quarterbacks in their starting lineup, McMahon said, "I'm NFFA commissioner?"

More on this story as it develops.

Corsairs Sack Megatron;Name Jack White CoachMojo D: "It's the NFFA: it's never too early to panic"

New Corsairs Coach Jack White and GM Mojo D plan to "bring the crown back to Pie Town," referring to the tiny slice of downtown Nashville which contains White's Third Man records compound.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN
After a "stupendously awful" 0-2 start, the Corsairs fired new coach Megatron suddenly this week. During a brief media availability streamed on the web, the team introduced Jack White as its coach, who said: “since I'm taking some time off the road, I've been studying. Now I know more about fantasy football than all the generals."

Corsairs' new PR Minister Angelica Schuyler said “the team has been going through the unimaginable: an 0-2 start, and the lowest point total in the league. A change was necessary, and we’re looking for a mind at work. Jack White fits the bill - if this team has just a fragment of his mind, it will be enough.” White has a long - sometimes tempestuous - relationship with Mojo D, but says they are of a single purpose in this endeavor. "We're bringing the crown back to Pie Town!"

The Corsairs headquarters has also relocated to White’s Third Man space, and the team is planning regular gatherings in the famous Blue Room.

Questioned about the timing of the sudden move after only two weeks of the 2016 season, an uncharacteristically quiet Mojo D said only "this is the NFFA: it's never to early to panic."

In strange and unrelated news, the Corsairs also announced a new partnership with A-ighta Hater Tots, because, according to Schuyler: “man cannot live in the NFFA on Haterade alone."

  

GM LYNCH TO COACH DOGS

East Nashville GM Marshawn Lynch decided to coach the team this season.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a press release distributed to local and national media at 10 a.m. CDT, East Nashville GM Marshawn Lynch announced he has decided to coach the team himself this season. 

In the release, Lynch said the reason he made his decision was he couldn't find a coach "who wants to run through a muthafucka's face," so he asked himself, "What would Buddy do?" — a reference to the late Black Dogs GM, Buddy Ryan. "Buddy coached the team himself for two years," Lynch continued, "so I'm gonna coach the team for at least this season."

Breaking news IT'S ON Commissioner McMahon kicks off NFFA's 15th season of play

Commissioner Jim McMahon answers a question at this morning's press conference.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Commissioner Jim McMahon held a press conference early this morning to commemorate the start of the NFFA's fifteenth season. Standing in front of the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashvegas and flanked by deputy commissioner Meadow Soprano, the new commissioner praised the league's longevity.

"Though it doesn't seem like it's been a decade and a half, it is an undeniably great accomplishment that we stand here today to kick off the fifteenth season of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association," McMahon began, reading from prepared remarks. "Most fantasy leagues don't make it to the five-year mark, and we have tripled that since our launch in 2002. 

"On top of that, five of the eight original founding franchises — the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the Cambridge Animals, the East Nashville Black Dogs, the London Bakers, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — are still in the league," the commissioner continued. "The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs have been part of the league since our third season — which also was my first year in the league when I was an assistant to Stumpy Legg for the Bakers. The Downtown Corsairs have been in the league eight years and the Village Green have been in the league for five years, so we have not only enjoyed longevity, but also stability.

"So with all that said, it's my great pleasure to say in regards to the start of the 2016 season tonight: IT'S ON!"

McMahon then opened the floor to questions. After a few innocuous queries about the forthcoming season, local sportswriting legend Woody Larry asked a pair of questions that gave the press conference a dramatic turn.

"Mr. Commissioner, I have two questions," Larry said. "First, do you think it is appropriate for you to place wagers on NFFA games? There are eyewitnesses who say they saw you try to place a bet on The Village Green earlier this week at the Club Gitmo Sports Book when there was a severely inflated line — the Green were getting 166.7 points against the Black Dogs at the time.

"These same eyewitnesses say they also saw Black Dogs owner Bill Money and GM Marshawn Lynch arrive with a satchel full of cash and try to get bets down on the Green, as well," Larry continued. "So my second question is do you think that it's appropriate for team owners and executives to bet against their own teams?"

Seemingly unperturbed by the questions, McMahon calmly said, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Woody, and I'm pretty certain I have never been to a sports book at a place called Club Gitmo." At that point, Meadow Soprano quickly stepped to the podium and whispered in McMahon's ear. Then she said to the gathered media, "That's all for today, the commissioner is late for an appointment." Then McMahon and Soprano hurriedly went inside the NFFA Tower. 

Observers couldn't help but be left with the impression the commissioner was ducking Larry's questions. Efforts by the AWP to reach McMahon after the press conference were unsuccessful. 

More on this story as it develops.