DITKA FORCES NAGURSKI TO CHANGE TEAM NAME

From Sylvan Goats PR:

Team sources confirmed today that Coach Mike Ditka has persuaded General Manager and owner Bronko Nagurski to change the name of the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees to the Sylvan Goats. Ditka, who spent the summer in Italy in a court-ordered anger management program after slapping a six-year-old boy, returned to training camp a changed man, according to assistant coaches who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being slapped.

Contacted at home in Kankakee, Ditka spoke in a pool Zoom conference about his time in Naples at Anatra e Copri il Centro [Duck and Cover Center]: “It was enlightening, honestly. Mainly it was the goats.”

Ditka elaborated: “The facility is located by the Bay of Naples in southern Italy, near the southern foot of Mt. Vesuvius. I hiked up one afternoon after my morning session on the downside of hate speech. I felt a need to find something, anything, something of value, something I was unlikely to slap. The summit proved to be the culminating point of my experience. When I looked over the rim, I saw that the crater was lush with grass sprouting from volcanic soil warmed year-round by percolating magma; goats were gently cropping the green expanse. I had heard from locals that for centuries they have used goats as a warning system. Enriched by the crater's silky grass and plentiful rain, the goats can sense what humankind cannot: gentle shudders deep in the mantle of the earth. As the quake-rumble swells the goats cry and people living at the foot of the volcano know to evacuate. A major quake would bury Vesuvians in molten ash, but minor eruptions do not threaten the city. Yet even then magma oozing up into the center of the crater – a crimson star rimmed with an emerald band – can kill the fucking goats. Excuse my French.

“If the goats buy the farm, their suffocated bodies are recovered for a celebration known as Festa della Capra. Roasted goat meat consumed during the festival symbolizes both sacrifice and the triumph of life, and carnivalesque release fosters sexual license. The children born in the wake of the ritualistic orgies are known as capraletti, or little goats, and celebrate the day of the eruption as their birthday. Every Easter they are bathed in a fountain brimming with warm goat’s milk. When the burned grass renews itself in the caldera, the capraletti shepherd up a new tribe of goats, and the cycle continues. And if that’s not a parable, what is?” 

Momentary silence suggested the Zoom call had frozen, until Ditka, apparently scratching himself below the frame, was seen to move. Asked about the relationship between his “parable” and his altered deportment, Ditka replied: “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” 

Silence again seemed a technical glitch, until Ditka spoke again: “Obviously the former name was profoundly offensive, and could have been found otherwise only by Anglos who’ve never knowingly met an indigenous person, let alone a member of the Cherokee tribe, whose destruction is etched in blood across Tennessee and Kentucky.

“The name now is Goats, the Sylvan Goats. And we shall avenge the destruction of indigenous peoples across the globe.”

SANDERS TAKES NFFA REINS Vermont senator replaces ailing McMahon as commissioner

New NFFA  commissioner Bernie Sanders reacts when asked if he had seen video footage of Nuderow dancing in front of the Dead Cherokees headquarters.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Senator Bernie Sanders on Friday officially became the fourth commissioner of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association, taking over for legendary QB Jim McMahon, who simultaneously announced his retirement.

In a press conference at NFFA Towers, Sanders was introduced to startled members of the media, who had been told in advance only that the league would make a major announcement and appeared to be caught off-guard by the abrupt change in commissioners.

“Let me just say this,” Sanders said in an opening statement. “It is a privilege to be asked to lead the greatest league in the history of fantasy sports. I know that there were some dark days when Donald Trump was involved, but the owners acted to defend the long tradition of integrity of this league, and let me make this clear: The NFFA’s best days are still ahead.”

Sanders credited his political ally and cousin, Black Dogs owner William D. Money — the league’s original commissioner — with bringing him into the NFFA fold. Money, who ran unsuccessfully for U.S. Senate in 2018, took six months off beginning in the fall of 2019 to join Sanders’ presidential campaign. 

“When we were on the campaign trail,” Sanders said, “Bill told me a lot about this league and what it represents. That just built on what I already knew. You can’t live in New England and not know about Dave the Animal, or DTA as we call him in Vermont. I’ve long been an admirer of the environmental work of Dr. Jorgé Linardo. It all just added up.”

Sanders announced he intends to keep his Senate seat even as he handles the commissioner’s duties. “There is a long tradition of activism in the NFFA,” he said, “but there has never been a need for an activist commissioner. I see no need to change that.”

Even so, Sanders steps immediately into a crisis involving the name of its newest franchise, the Sylvan Park Dead Cherokees. During a brief period when Sanders took questions from reporters, the issue was raised by the first journalist he called on, Woody Larry of Fantasy Sports Illustrated.

“I met with the NFFA Security Council early this morning,” Sanders said. “Although [Cherokees owner] Professor Wollaeger has not yet formally proposed a new name for his team — the current one is clearly unacceptable — until such time as a new name is approved we will officially refer to them as the Sylvan Park FFT, for Fantasy Football Team.”

At that point, Ballers owner Mojo D, who was standing with several other owners behind Sanders, stepped up beside the new commissioner and said, “FFT is the fizzling sound the Cherokees made against the Ballers in last year’s championship game. So it fits.”

McMahon, who did not attend the press conference, told a reporter he watched it live from Club Gitmo, where he has a luxury apartment next to the bar named in his honor, McMahonistan. Many around the league had raised concerns about the former Black Dog coach’s mental acuity after he apparently didn’t know that the league had a franchise in Sylvan Park. “I wish Bernie all the best,” McMahon said in a phone interview. “Who was the commissioner before him?”

“We will always be grateful to Jim for his years of service to this league,” said a statement from Dr. Linardo, the league founder. “There will be a lifetime supply of Morning Glory® Margaritas for him at our club.”

Situation Deteriorates in Sylvan Park; Ditka Hospitalized after Beating

Protests in front of the Cherokees’ offices on Charlotte Avenue entered a fourth week on Friday, as crowds continued to occupy Richland Park and occasionally blocked traffic on roadways. At one point on Wednesday, they temporarily forced the closure of the eastbound lanes of Interstate 40.

The situation deteriorated further on Thursday night as Village Green owner, Dave Goodrow, who has proclaimed the McCabe Park Golf Course the Free State of Tanasi, got more directly involved with the protests. Apparently borrowing from the tactics of the anonymous Portland protester dubbed Naked Athena, a man wearing only a facial mask the said “Nuderow” danced frenetically in front of the Cherokees’ offices. Independent sources later confirmed that Nuderow in fact was Goodrow and that he claimed he was performing a Native American ritual dance to spiritually cleanse the area.

The ritual was interrupted by an incensed Mike Ditka, the Cherokees’ most volatile supporter, who grabbed Nuderow by the arm and attempted to drag him off the street. At that point, Green coach Stuart Smalley, who later said that he had accompanied Goodrow to “ward off trouble,” tackled Ditka and bit him as the crowd cheered. 

“Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice,” Smalley told reporters after paramedics took Ditka to nearby Centennial Hospital for treatment. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and goshdarnit I kicked that ass.”

FSN will provide regular updates to this developing story.