BEWARE THE AWESOME AWESOMENESS

Cambridge owner DTA addressed the media outside the NFFA Tower earlier today.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Leon Sphinx

Cambridge Animals Media Relations

The Cambridge Animals called an impromptu press conference this morning shortly after learning they had won a game they thought they had lost. When the stat corrections came in from Elias Sports Bureau late last night, the outcome of the Animals game in Atlanta against the Smack Daddies had been flipped from a 156.9-155.2 loss to a 157.3-156.3 victory.

Speaking outside the NFFA high-rise headquarters in downtown Nashvegas this morning, after allowing the news media and Lex Dominica to rise from their knees, Cambridge owner, DTA, declared: “As the only undefeated team that matters, we’d like to officially deny allegations that last night at Club Gitmo WTA dragged Commissioner McMahon into a bedroom, attempted to unclothe him, held a hand over his mouth, and groped his ample package in order to extort points from the league to ensure an Animals victory. 

DTA, whose team is in town to face the Village Green, continued, “Nothing could be further from the truth, and it’s ridiculous to think the public would believe such allegations about something that happened so long ago. Do you remember what happened to you last night? I don’t think so. And if you do, it’s likely the projection of some bizarre childhood farm trauma, not something that actually happened. That’s just how time and memory function. And it just seems very convenient that these allegations arise now.”

Animals’ attorney Saul Goodman said that the team was now dropping its suit charging that Lex Dominica and his minions illegally compressed time during the second half of their match-up last Sunday. While it’s well-known that Dominica has been experimenting with both time compression and time expansion, until Sunday night, it wasn’t clear if those experiments had been successful.However, scientific tests have now shown that the fourth quarter of Monday night’s game lasted only six minutes and thirty-four seconds in human time; as a result, Animals’ RB Jordon Howard was limited to less than 9 points, apparently securing a victory for the Smack Daddies.

“Dominica is a genius,” Goodman said, “and his ability to disguise himself as an idiot is just another aspect of his greatness, but we must hold fast to the sacred rules of this league that ensure fairness to almost every team. However, we believe that calling attention to his brilliant, albeit illegal, actions is punishment enough—that and the humiliation of defeat. Therefore, we’re dropping our charges.”

Breaking news MONEY SLIPS INTO COMA Prospects worsen for Black Dogs owner

Former NFFA commissioner Bill Money remains hospitalized in the intensive care unit at Vanderbilt Medical Center following an attempt on his life Friday evening.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

U.S. Senate candidate and East Nashville Black Dogs owner Bill Money, who was the victim of an assassination attempt last Friday evening in Livingston, Tennessee, slipped into a coma late last night after learning his team had lost to the Pie Town Ballers.

According to Dr. Lionel Godwin who performed life-saving surgery on Money early Saturday morning, the prospects for the former NFFA commissioner are growing worse with each passing day. “I think losing to the Ballers was just too much for Mr. Money,” Godwin said. “To be honest, it was surprising he lived through the surgery, considering how severe his wounds were. Not many people survive being shot in the heart multiple times at pointblank range. His will to survive is probably the only thing keeping him alive.” 

According to the candidate’s daughter Cassandra “Cash” Money, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who has been recovering from an attempt on his own life, arrived at Vanderbilt Medical Center midmorning and has been at her father’s bedside ever since. “QCurl is the coma whisperer, you know,” she said late this afternoon by cell phone.

In another development, authorities have identified the shooter as "Little Tussie" Crenshaw. Crenshaw, who escaped in the chaos immediately after the shooting, is the subject of a massive, multi-state manhunt being coordinated by the FBI. An all-points bulletin released earlier today describes Little Tussie as a 50-year-old, petite white woman, approximately 5 feet tall, with brown eyes and brunette hair styled in a pixie cut. She is considered armed and dangerous. 

According to Livingston police chief Bubba Johnson, Crenshaw has a criminal record, but “nothing serious.” Speaking at a press conference on the steps of the Overton County Courthouse this morning, Johnson said Crenshaw was arrested in the spring of 2016 on three counts of petty theft. “Little Tussie was arrested for stealing some Bernie Sanders yard signs from the lawns of three of Sanders’ local supporters in May of 2016,” he said. “She was sentenced to a year's probation and had to pay for the replacement of the yard signs.” 

Regarding Crenshaw’s motive for shooting Money, Johnson said it was unclear if the assassination attempt was due to Money's close relationship with the Vermont senator or something else.

Captain Victor Washington of the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, who was also at the press conference, said the TBI has set up a special tip line for anyone with information about Crenshaw. ‘We ask anyone who sees Little Tussy to call 800-LILTUSS. That's 8-0-0-L-I-L-T-U-S-S. If you see Little Tussie, call the tip line and do not engage with her under any circumstances. There is no telling what she might do.” 

Livingston resident Durwood Wilson, who went to high school with the shooter, told WKRN, “Little Tussie has always been a little crazy, if you know what I mean, but I never thought she would get violent — she’s so small.” Wilson paused in thought, then added, “You think you know someone, but you never really do for sure.”

More on this story as it develops.

Breaking news BILL MONEY SHOT Black Dogs owner clinging to life after assassination attempt in Livingston

After an Overton County ambulance transported Bill Money to the Livingston Regional Hospital, he was airlifted by helicopter to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Bill Money, East Nashville Black Dogs owner and independent candidate for U.S. Senate in Tennessee, was shot and critically wounded last night while campaigning in the city of Livingston located in Overton County in the Upper Cumberland region of the state.

According to Livingston police chief Bubba Johnson, Money was shaking hands and working the crowd near the concessions stand at halftime of the Livingston Academy-Smith County high school football game Friday night when a small woman with dark hair approached him and shot him multiple times pointblank in the chest with a handgun. Witnesses said the woman yelled, "This is for Hillary," prior to firing three shots at the candidate. The shooter escaped in the ensuing chaos. 

As is always the case with high school football games, emergency medical personnel were on hand and able to rush Money to Livingston Regional Hospital where a helicopter awaited to airlift him to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville. At Vanderbilt shortly after midnight, Doctor Lionel Godwin performed life-saving surgery on the former NFFA commissioner. When reached this afternoon, Godwin said Money has only a 50-50 chance of survival and might not make it through the weekend.

Money's daughters, Cash and Mo, and Black Dogs player-coach Marshawn Lynch were waiting at the hospital when Money was brought in. Lynch said Money spoke to him briefly on his way into the operating room. "Bill squeezed my hand and whispered 'No matter what happens to me, beat the Ballers,'" Lynch told AWP. "And that's what we gotta do; we gotta run through through some Pie Town muthafucka's face for Bill."

When reached for comment, Money campaign manager F.G. Handy said he had "no idea" what the shooter meant when she yelled, "This is for Hillary." Continuing Handy said "We're all praying for Bill to pull through. He's a fighter, as anyone who really knows him will tell you, so my money's on Money."

The AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

FIVE TAKEAWAYS FROM WEEK ONE

Beyoncé's coaching career started with a big L.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Week one of the the 2018 NFFA season is in the books and here are five things we observed:

1. Early faves all lose: The top four teams in Club Gitmo Sports Book's 2018 championship odds are took the L on opening weekend. South Franklin (6-1 odds) looked like a team in disarray in their 24.7-point loss to West Nashville. New coach Beyoncé may know how to line up a hot set, but she's not so hot at setting a lineup. If she had played keeper QB Russell Wilson and RB Deon Lewis, the Independents would have claimed their first win in franchise history. Instead she went with the Motor City pickmeister and Denver's Devontae, who may have been more than a mile high with only 15 total yards, and barely broke the 100-point marks a team. London (8-1) got only 67.1 points out of their entire offense in a 28.3-point loss to the Village. East Nashville and Pie Town (both 7-1) also lost, but in far less worrisome a fashion, losing tight contests that went down to the wire.

2. Something's up with the Animals: Those paying close attention may have noticed Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal made a slick trade for WR Keenan Allen during the predraft trading period, ran his team's successful draft, set his week one lineup with an active kicker, dropped a story slamming Mojo D, and won his opening game against Mojo D's Ballers. Yesterday he left a message for Bill Money that said in part, "I'm victorious, and you're not." All this adds up to one thing: DTA is back! After years of delegating control of the team to his son, GM Wilder the Animal, who is said to be "busy," the notorious league cofounder is back in the saddle. It's almost as if DTA is traveling backwards in time from the future and knows something. When asked by AWP if that is true, he replied, "Maybe."

3. Don't sleep on the Green: Barring QB A-Aron Rodgers missing any significant time with the injury to his knee, the Green appear to have one of the better offenses, and so far, Stuart Smalley looks like a genius for drafting Khalil Mack. And co-owner Dave Goodrow has been especially active in the free agent marketplace. Plus, in an especially scary development for the rest of the league, the Green did not have to be reminded to set their lineup in week one and have already set their lineup for week two. An engaged Green is a dangerous Green.

4. Daddies-Dogs, Part 1: New scoring record for combined points: Atlanta (213.3) and East Nashville (206.8) combined for 420.1 points in week one, which is the most combined points in NFFA history. Interestingly, the previous record of 417.4 combined points was held by the same two teams from a game in 2015 which the Black Dogs won 214.8-202.6. So the Smack Daddies' win in last weekend's shootout was a bit of payback. There has been one other game in league history in which both teams scored more than 200 points, a contest from 2011 in which the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs defeated the then 12th Avenue Bakers, 208.5-200.

5. Daddies-Dogs, Part 2: 200-point club: With the 200-plus points the Smack Daddies and Black Dogs each put up last weekend, it brings the total of 200-point games in league history to 41. The Black Dogs, who first broke the 200-point mark in 2005 — twice, lead all teams in 200+ games with 11. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are next with seven 200+ scores during their 15 years in the league, followed by the Daddies with six, the Animals with five, the Bakers and Ballers with four each, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and Village Green with two 200+ games apiece. The Beelzebubbas hold the record for most points scored in a game with 233.5.

TRUMP: 'MAKE AMERICA GREEN AGAIN' The president celebrates win over London

Vandalism or Village Green fanaticism? 

By Suzy Creamcheese

United Web Press International

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beaming from a walkover win over the London Bakers, Village Green co-owner Donald Trump tweeted, "Make America Green again!" from his West Wing residence early Tuesday morning.

"The team wasn't at its best," stated head coach Stuart Smalley, "but we were good enough, smart enough, and god doggit, we won!"  

"Mark my words — we will win the Linardo Division this year" Trump tweeted an hour later.  "Our dominance in the league will leave the country green."  

Early morning photos of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue had indeed shown the president's commitment to his word. "We will not tolerate this act of vandalism on our country's most famed-building," Smalley said in an early morning presser. Normally soft-spoken, Smalley continued, "Someone in senior administration did this, and I want him to take a lie-detector test!"

When reached for comment, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated "The President is currently having Executive Time and is not available for comment" 

ANIMALS DECLARE WEEK ONE VICTORY DTA calls for Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson to be suspended

DTA wants Ballers running back Kerryon Johnson to be suspended before MNF.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Leon Sphinx
Cambridge Animals Media Relations

Following news reports of Boston Celtic Jabari Bird’s arrest for kidnapping, strangling, and otherwise abusing his spouse, Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal has called for Johnson to be suspended for violating the NFFA’s tough No-Victim No-Way policy. According to DTA, with Johnson's suspension, the Animals will win this weekend's game against the Ballers by no less than 152.5-151.2. 

The fact that Johnson was hospitalized led DTA to ask NFFA Commissioner Jim McMahon to levy the strongest penalty against him. “The NFFA stands by its policy of zero-tolerance for domestic abuse victims," DTA said. "We regret that the Pie Ballers must pay the price for their player’s victimization, but until the wall is finally built, I’m afraid there’s no other way to ensure that no victims or alleged victims ever touch the sacred turf of our league.” 

Lord Garmadon, rumored DTA consort and Lego antagonist, issued a statement suggesting that while the Animals regret winning this way, “until there’s a Lego wall built between every player and he/she/its spouse, there will simply be no end of victims coming into our league because domestic abuse victims are a problem that rules alone—even drastic ones—cannot solve.” 

BEY TAKES OVER New SF coach says, ‘Times up, boys!’

After being formally introduced as the Independents' head coach, Beyoncé rode off with owner Suzy Fine to oversee the team's preseason draft.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

If the newest ownership group in the NFFA wanted to make a statement to the rest of the league, it wasted little time. Less than an hour before the annual preseason draft began, the South Franklin Independents announced their new coach with just one word: Beyoncé.

And they did it in a style not quite evident before in a league where style points count.

A brief, social media-driven campaign invited Independent fans and members of the press to Harlinsdale Farm for “a big kickoff announcement” last night. But there was little clue as to what would follow. At 6:30 sharp, with several thousand fans gathered near a large barn in front of a hastily assembled stage, team owner Suzy Fine rode up on a black horse, dismounted, and welcomed the crowd.

“Look up!” Fine said. “We’re about to tear the roof off this league! I want you to meet our new head coach!”

At that moment, fans saw a gold helicopter heading their way. The chopper touched down in the field behind the barn, out of fans’ view. A few seconds later, Beyoncé emerged from the barn, followed by a phalanx of 12 Tennessee Walking Horses with female riders in matching outfits. Remaining in formation, the horses moved choreographically behind her as Beyoncé performed “Run the World,” a 2013 hit about female domination.

The crowd, stunned at first, broke into sustained cheers as the song ended and Beyoncé took the stage to speak. “Hello, South Franklin!” she yelled. “Are y’all ready to run the world?”

As the crowd cheered again, Beyoncé continued, “I’m a football fan, but I wouldn’t agree to coach just any football team. But when Ms. Fine called me about this opportunity, in the greatest fantasy sports league of all time, I was in. Now we’re here to tell the rest of the NFFA: ‘Times up, boys!’ And now we’re going to work!”

As Beyoncé and Fine left the stage together and rode off on horseback, huge banners were unfurled with the team’s logo, which prominently featured Midnight Sun, the famous walking horse who sired 2,600 foals. One banner included the slogan, “Who’s Your Daddy?” while the other read “Run the World.” 

As fans left, each received a swag package that included a “Who’s Your Daddy?” Independents licensed t-shirt, car flag and window decal. A flyer inside the gift bag noted that, in 65 of the past 69 years, the Tennessee Walking Horse World Champion had carried Midnight Sun’s bloodline. In case fans missed the point, in 64-point type at the bottom of the page were the words: Independents: Total Domination Is in Our Blood.”

Even before the announcement a few minutes later that ground would be broken near the site for a new stadium to be known as the Beyhive at Harlinsdale Farm, observers across the league were abuzz. “The NFFA is no stranger to larger-than-life figures,” said reporter Woody Larry. “But there’s never been a figure here like Beyoncé. I saw her show at Coachella. Beyoncé doesn’t just contend. Beyoncé crushes.”

TRUMP PICKS KAEPERNICK? New Woodward book details ‘unhinged’ demand by Green owner

Will the Village Green select Colin Kaepernick with the first pick in the draft?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

BREAKING NEWS

President Donald Trump has reportedly ordered management of the Village Green, the struggling NFFA franchise he owns, to use its first pick in today’s league draft to select Colin Kaepernick — just so he can publicly humiliate the free agent QB by cutting him.

The revelation appears in Bob Woodward’s new book, Fear, which details the troubled inner workings of the Trump White House. FSN Sports has obtained an advance copy of the book from the publisher.

According to Woodward, Village Green officials frantically phoned minority owner and GM Dave Goodrow after Head Coach Ivanka Trump received the directive from Trump in June. Sources, speaking on deep background, told Woodward that Goodrow exploded in a profane tirade upon hearing the news, screaming into his cellphone that “this [bleep]ing, orange-faced baboon is not going to destroy my team!” Assistant Coach Stuart Smalley, sources said, retreated into his office and wept into a sofa cushion.

The Green already have a healthy Aaron Rodgers returning as the team’s QB this season. Team officials had made no secret earlier of their plans to use the No. 1 overall pick to draft Todd Gurley, the highest scoring running back in the league last season.

Goodrow could not be reached this morning despite multiple attempts. A spokesperson reached at the Village Green’s offices called Woodward’s book “fake news” and said the team would have no other comment.

FSN will provide updates to this story as new information becomes available.

DRAFT DAY SPECIAL: Mojo D Breaks Silence to Introduce Pie Town Ballers, Discuss Off-Season Turmoil

Pie Town Ballers Owner and GM Mojo D at the team's Draft Day Breakfast for the media.

By Soren Bernyn
Sr. Writer, Fantasy Sports Network

It’s been another tumultuous off-season for Mojo D, Owner and GM of the former Corsairs. A devastating Championship game loss, a political scandal, the steep decline of the Bitcoin market and another name change for his team.

Mojo D has re-branded his team several times through the years, and he officially introduced "Pie Town Ballers” as the team’s latest incarnation in a disheveled draft day media appearance at a hastily called “Breakfast in the Blue Room” at Third Man Records, the team’s official HQ. Mojo D reflected on the torrent of change he has weathered over the last 9 months, beginning with the Corsairs’ epic loss to the Beelzebubbas in the 2017 NFFA Championship. 

“Losing the NFFA crown was the harbinger of a dark and cold season, and it’s all on me. Many have speculated, but It’s pretty simple - I had a bet with (coach) Jack White: I pick the championship game lineup. If we lose, you get to do whatever you want with the team; if I win, you put out a box set of my ambient-dub recordings. He was like, ‘whatever’."

That self-centered bet led Mojo D to "the Keenum Gambit” - playing QB Case Keenum against all projections and reason - who "crumpled like a shotgunned Bud Light can on a Pedal Tavern,” according the NFFA pundit Woody Larry, and lost the Championship game. Mojo D continued: “So that sucked, Jack took over, and the Downtown Corsairs are now the Pie Town Ballers — Jack loves his little neighborhood of Pie Town: the Blue Room is there, The Roofie’s nearby and I’m happy for all of us to move past the Corsairs years. Long live the Pie Town Ballers!”

The Ballers’ Owner mostly demurred on questions about his significant Bitcoin holdings in the wake of a ~70% decline in the cryptocurrency’s value since the start of the year, saying only “we got into crypto early, and hedged our Bitcoin investment with with some well-timed liquidations, as did Club Gitmo, it would appear. Since Saddam finally accepted my Bitcoin payment at the Sports Book last fall (ed. note: an infamous 1-million Linardo gambling debt), we made ‘peace’, and they have shined up the place — much  less of a sh*thole now.” The cryptocurrency’s value peaked at $19,000 around the end of 2017, soon after which Bitcoin started its precipitous decline to its current $6000 level. Real-estate records from February indicate Mojo D's holding company made substantial real-estate investments in the Nashvegas region, as well as Lithuania, Madagascar and Papua New Guinea, and further reports surfaced at the end of 2017 that Mojo D may actually be the infamously anonymous Satoshi Nakamoto, creator of Bitcoin, who controls over 5% of the worldwide holdings in Bitcoin. 

“Komento nashi,” the GM said, smiling (“No Comment” or コメント無し in Japanese).

Reporters also grilled Mojo D about the changes in the NFFA for 2018, particularly about the transition of replacing a team in the Linardo division. “I will miss Tirik Obobber, aka Bob Hitler, and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs greatly — a worthy opponent with a huge football mind and a huger fantasy mind, but he was never the same after we put in the 'Peyton Manning Rule’ (ed. note: which added a two-year keeper limit). 

"I’m stoked to see Suzie Fine’s South Franklin Independents in our esteemed ranks - her connection to the founder, Dr. (Jorge) Linardo, earns her some respect that teams like the Green will never have. And her smack right out of the box shows she’s coming to play: she didn't even have to say a word: putting that horse on her team's logo is straight-up gunning for Bill Money's mojo. ”

Other NFFA GMs have accused the mercurial GM - who was looking particularly disheveled — of violating the league’s 160-Hour Rule of spending no more than 160 hours per week on NFFA business. “That’s a ridiculous guideline concocted by people with only a limited understanding of space-time: I implore others to join us on the Einsteinian plane. My 160 hours passes in 2 minutes on this plane." 

Mojo D’s demeanor changed darkly when asked about his relationship with disgraced ex-mayor of Nashville Megan Barry. He was a close ally of the former mayor, and Barry and her “security detail" Rob Forrest were regular patrons at the Corsairs’ Blue Room, and in the owners box at the Roofie before their affair sent shock waves across Nashvegas. He removed his now-ubiquitous sunglasses, stared down the journos, then leaned into the mic, only to say “komento nashi - let’s have some Bloody Marias.” 

The bar was open, Margo Price took the tiny stage with members of Widespread Panic, and the presser was over — gratefully, some things never change with Mojo D. 

INDIES, BUBBAS, DADDIES TOP KEEPER RANKINGS Early favorite London Bakers dead last

Can Coach Barry Switzer break the Curse of the Champion and lead the West Nashville Beelzebubbas to back-to-back titles?

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

An analysis of the projected points for each NFFA team's keepers yielded the following results:

1. South Franklin Independents – 1390.7

2. West Nashville Beelzebubbas – 1388.9

3. Atlanta Smack Daddies – 1383.4

4. Village Green – 1340.7

5. Pie Town Ballers – 1331.8

6. East Nashville Black Dogs – 1274.2

7. Cambridge Animals – 1259.3

8. London Bakers – 1221.2

Of course the keepers represent only about a quarter of a team's roster, so the ultimate strength of a team will be determined by the draft. While the Independents rank slightly ahead of the Beelzebubbas in the keeper rankings, they traded away their second-round pick, so they will have only one pick out of the first 19 picks of the draft, including a stretch of 15 picks without a selection. A lot of good players will come off the board during that stretch. 

The Smack Daddies, who rank just behind the 'Bubbas, will endure an even longer stretch of 23 picks without a selection after trading away both their third- and fourth-round picks. Like the Indies, the London Bakers, Village Green, and Cambridge Animals will all endure 15-selection stretches without a pick. The Bakers, who oddsmakers put as the early favorite for the 2018 title, gave up their fourth-rounder in the trade for quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, while the Green traded away their fifth-round pick for running back Kareem Hunt and safety Keanu Neal, and the Animals traded away their seventh-round pick in the deal for wide receiver Keenan Allen.

The defending champions from West Nashville are the team in the best position heading into the draft with an extra pick in both the second and fourth rounds that they obtained in a pair of trades. One has to wonder if the 'Bubbas will be the team to finally break the Curse of the Champion.

Pie Town and East Nashville also each have two additional picks via trades with the Ballers getting an extra pick in the third and fifth rounds and the Black Dogs picking up an extra selection in the fourth and seventh rounds.