AWESOME AWESOMENESS Cambridge claims first championship, W. Nashville bridesmaid for fifth time

Cambridge fans took to the streets of Boston last night to celebrate the Animals victory over West Nashville which gave them their first NFFA championship.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE—The champagne — the really good stuff — was flowing in Cambridge last night as the Animals and their fans celebrated the franchise's first NFFA title. The Animals claimed the 2015 championship with a hard-fought, low-scoring win against their (now) most-hated rivals, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, in an all-Jorge division final, 122.1-111.9. The Beelzebubbas were the runner-up for the second year in a row and the fifth time in the last nine years.

As the final seconds counted down, the packed house at Methlon Stadium chanted, "DTA, DTA," in salute to team owner Dave the Animal. DTA, flying high above the crowd on his signature hoverboard and wearing his signature flowing saffron robes, waved to the crowd while pouring what looked to be hundreds of pounds of a white powder over them, turning the whole scene into a sparkling white celebration of not only their victory but of the first product that lead to the Methlon empire and his general world domination. Behind him in a train of hover boards were, in order, Animals' Wunderkind GM/Coach Wilder the Animal; Jesus and Matthew Stafford, who appear to be separately incarnated again; the Dalai Lama; Methlon Genetics Lab's most recent creation, the horsedog, affectionately known as Animal the Animal; some brilliantly glowing golden mist-being presumed to be The Almighty, aka God the Animal; a large machine with flowing hair; all followed by dozens of tiny blue goats on tiny blue hover boards singing Methlon's national anthem, "O Awesome Awesomeness, Yes, The End Is Near." Seven of the blue goats had the heads of the seven other owners all linked to together with their noses pressed against the testicles of the goat/owner in front of them — all constantly circling DTA and chanting, "All Hail, DTA." 

Fans not at the game spilled out of the bars along Mass Ave. into the street and headed toward Harvard Square, where the trophy ceremony was being broadcast on a giant screen from Methlon Stadium. On it, DTA's haunting and almost unbearable visage came to life: "People of Animal Nation and all other nations, behold your master, who holds your fate in his hands as tenderly as you normal humans cup the fragile eggs of Sharif-el-Bubbas during the Festival of the Coarse Hairsmas, that celebration of perpetual loss, suffering, and humiliation," DTA said. "But fear not, for today is the greatest of all days for the greatest of all teams, and I shall heap no further pain upon my enemies this day, henceforth to be called for all eternity "The Day that Proved The Animals Are The Greatest Team in NFFA History, Despite Science, Facts and All the Other Mumbo Jumbo The Holy Commissioner Is Constantly Yakking About Day" and each year, on what once was called December 28, citizens will be required to utter the name of the day ten thousand times while kneeling and bowing toward our corporate offices in Cambridge. And on this day each of my fellow owners shall be visited via drone by the Holy Golden Phallus of Fate so they may perform the required private rituals and remain forever mindful of the pain my victory causes them and will cause them for all times. Finally, I'd like to thank Jesus for stepping up at the last minute to once again defeat the Old Enemy, Matt Stafford for allowing his body to be possessed, all of our chemical engineers, the great state of Mexico for allowing us to test our products on their entire population for all these years, and finally, I'd like to thank the little elf who gave me one of those vibrating football games so many years ago that gave me all the knowledge I've ever had about this great game of ours ... ."

After the trophy ceremony, Wilder the Animal was overheard saying to his brother, "The crowd shouldn't have been chanting Dad's name, they should have been chanting mine. Dad hadn't won [expletive] until I took over."

And no doubt it was hard for the whiz kid to overlook the snub his father gave him in the postgame proclamation. "Since my dad's deification last week — well, it's gone to his head," WTA said. "The truth is he knows absolutely nothing about football; yes, he's a genius when it comes to curling, his favorite sport, probably the greatest curling mind in history, but that's it."

200 x 3 Smack Daddies set season record by scoring 200 or more threes times in 2015

The Smack Daddies' torrid scoring streak has been led by quarterback Cam Newton.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

"Red hot" would be an apt description for the Atlanta Smack Daddies over the last three weeks, a stretch that has seen the team average 206.6 points per game, including back-to-back 200-point games, an NFFA first. In those three contests, the Daddies have been led by quarterback Cam Newton, who has averaged more than 60 points a game the last three weeks.

Prior to the 2015 season, four teams had scored 200 or more points twice in a single season, but no team had ever done it in consecutive weeks. East Nashville has done it three times (2005, 2007, and 2014), and Fidalgo Island has done it twice (2007 and 2013), while Cambridge and the Downtowners have each done it once, both in 2014 (See Chart 1 below).

Now the Smack Daddies have done them all one better because they also hit 200 in week three, although in a losing cause, falling to the Black Dogs, 214.8 to 202.6. Still, they became the first team in league history to score 200 or more points three times in a single season.

"The playoffs are cute," Atlanta owner Lex Dominica said. "But everyone knows who the best team in this league is."

The 226.2 points the Smack Daddies put on The Village Green last weekend was the fifth-highest total in NFFA history, giving them five 200-point games all time. (See Chart 2 below). The Black Dogs lead in that category, with ten 200-point games, including the league's first three. Fidalgo Island is next with seven 200-point games all time, followed by the Daddies and the Animals with five each, the Corsairs with four (two as the Midtown Mojo), the 12th Avenue Bakers with three, and The Village Green and West Nashville Beelzebubbas with one each. The Beelzebubbas' only 200-point game came in week 2 of the 2007 season and was the highest score in NFFA history: 233.5 points versus the Smack Daddies.

Interestingly, the 'Bubbas have never been on the receiving end of a 200-point game, the only team that can make that claim. "That's because we believe in great defense," GM Mos Ded said. "A lot of people think great defense starts with great defensive players, but it starts with not letting other people score on you. We have a great defensive coordinator, Janet."

The Alamo Scouts/Village Green franchise has given up the most 200-point games — nine (five as the Scouts and four as The Green). The Sea Hogs are next with six, followed by the Black Dogs and Smack Daddies with five each, the Animals with four, and the Bakers and Corsairs with three each.

As for what the Smack Daddies have accomplished over the past three weeks, not everyone around the league is impressed. "Can we just start next year with a consolation division, where people can score 200 points in meaningless games?" asked Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, whose team will play for the NFFA championship this weekend. "A trophy for everyone, boys."

Chart 1: 200-Point Club By Year

2005 (2)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
2006 (1)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
2007 (7)
• West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2008 (1)
• Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
2009 (1)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2010 (2)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2011 (4)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2012 (1)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2013 (4)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
• Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2014 (7)
• Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.
• The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
• Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies
• Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2015 (6)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

Chart 2: NFFA 200-Point Club

1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
6. Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
7. East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green) 
8. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
9. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
10. 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
11. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
12a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
12b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
14. East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
15. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
16. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)
17. East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.
18. The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
19. Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies
20. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
21. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
22a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
22b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
24. Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. Black Dogs)
25a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)
25b. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
27. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
28. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)
29. Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
30. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)
31. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
32a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
32b. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)
34. Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
35. Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
36. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

BLACK DOGS CLINCH DIVISION McMahon shocks team, announces retirement

East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, the winningest coach in NFFA history, told his Black Dogs team Monday evening he plans to retire following this year's playoffs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Emotions — along with champagne — overflowed in the home locker room at The Dawg House Monday evening. The East Nashville Black Dogs were celebrating their division-clinching victory over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, but that was not the only reason for the emotions.

Coach Jim McMahon told the team that this will be his last season, and he will retire after the playoffs. “As many of you know, I have been dealing with some health issues, and the last thing I want to happen is for my health to affect the success of this great franchise,” he said, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous. “So I’ve decided to step aside after the playoffs to focus on my health.” It’s been no secret that McMahon has been dealing with memory issues for several years, problems thought to signal the onset of dementia caused by the numerous concussions he suffered as an NFL player.

After McMahon broke the news to the team, GM Buddy Ryan addressed the Black Dogs and called McMahon “the greatest coach in NFFA history.” It’s hard to argue with his assertion. McMahon has never had a losing campaign, compiling a 102-52 regular season record over 11 seasons (2005-2015) for a .662 winning percentage. In that same period, he won 10 division titles — 2005-2009 and 2011-2015— and three NFFA championships — 2005, 2008, and 2011. The 2008 championship team went 16-0, the only undefeated team in NFFA history. His Black Dogs teams were also the runner-up twice, in 2009 and 2012; which means prior to this season, McMahon had led the Dogs to the title game five times in 10 years.

McMahon's teams have been known for their high-octane offenses, but also high-scoring defenses, fueled in part by “Krankensteins,” position players who pull double duty as return men. McMahon pioneered the Krankenstein concept when he was an assistant coach for the 12th Avenue Bakers under head coach Stumpy Legg in 2004 and cornerback/kick returner Terrence McGee, the league’s first Krankenstein star, played for the team. He brought the Krankenstein concept — and McGee — to the Black Dogs when Ryan, who has a long association with the coach going all the way back to McMahon’s days as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback, hired him to lead the East Nashville franchise prior to the 2005 season.

The East Nashville players were visibly upset by McMahon's announcement, but the mood lifted when a number of Black Dogs vowed to win a fourth ring for McMahon before he calls it quits. Two of those who spoke up, running back Darren Sproles and wide receiver Antonio Brown, were on East Nashville’s last championship team in 2011.

“Aw, Mac’s my man,” Sproles said. “Love that dude. Gonna miss that guy. We’ve got to send him out on top, where he belongs.”

“We got this for J-Mac,” Brown added. “Book it.”

As word spread across Nashvegas of McMahon’s announcement, the coach's longtime friends and foes reacted to the news.

“I think back fondly of the time — I know that Jim no longer remembers it — when he and I blew a crater in 12th Avenue and he left a "Welcome to McMahonistan" sign,” West Nashville owner/GM Mos Ded recalled. “Those were the days when this league had an irrepressible soul. It's all so corporate now. I'm glad I didn't live to see it. They don't make coaches like him anymore. As he might have said over a Morning Glory Margarita at one of his pressers, ‘Sic transit gloria McMahon.’” (Translation: “Thus passes the glory of McMahon.”)

“I don't always like NFFA coaches, but when I do, I prefer Jim McMahon,” offered Beelzebubbas chairman and league founder, Jorge Linardo. “Se queda sed, mes amigos. He stays thirsty.”

Still in the UK following the Bacchanal, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif conveyed his thoughts to the AWP via Skype. “When I heard the news, I was real high, and the rumor of this was actually floating around in London,” he said. “It hit me really hard because I feel like the Bakers and the Black Dogs have always had a special relationship. And, by that I mean we share. We've shared our commitment to the fans; we've shared coaches; we've shared blow. But, most of all, we've shared integrity. And, I'm not just referring to Integrity Jones, the dancer at The Cherry Bomb from back in the day.

“This is the end of a golden era in our league,” Sharif continued. “McMahon has always been the toughest hombre to face on the field. His players have always played like wild dogs — wild black dogs — and, of course, this divisional run, the undefeated season, and the championships. It's unprecedented in modern sport. But, more than any of that, McMizzle has always followed his own beat. Now, he seems to be literally hearing drums in his head. We should all follow his example ... if not his literal lifestyle.”

President Barack Obama also shared his memories of the Black Dogs coach. “I’ll never forget the first time I met Jim McMahon,” Obama said from Washington by phone. “I was a fan from his Chicago playing days, of course, but we had never actually met. We were at a thing at QCurl's Tree House.

Obama wearing the headband McMahon gave him.

In Washington, we were going through this big fight with Congress, and McMahon walked up to me, introduced himself, and gave me a white cotton headband on which he had used a Sharpie to write ‘BOEHNER.’ I wore it the next time I addressed a joint session of Congress — true story — and you should have seen Boehner's face. He knew I had him in my sights, and he caved almost immediately rather than take the ass-beating that was coming his way. That's the kind of fearlessness I learned from McMahon.” McMahon's gift, of course, was inspired by the headband he wore as a player on which he had written "Rozelle" in defiance of NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle, who had fined McMahon for wearing an Adidas headband.

McMahon and the Black Dogs continued celebrating their division title at fooBar late into Monday evening. When someone mentioned his retirement, McMahon seemed puzzled. “Retirement?” he was overheard to ask. “Who said anything about retirement.” When told he had, McMahon said, “I must have been drunk.”

LONDON CALLING UK hosts Bacchanal to the Future contest

The late Joe Strummer, former minority owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, will be honored at an integrity dinner in London during this week's Bacchanal festivities.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

LONDON—As 12th Avenue Bakers coach Snoop Dogg and quarterback Tom Brady deplaned at London's Heathrow Airport late Wednesday night, the British press mobbed them, allowing two men to slip by unnoticed—owners QCurl Sharif and Petro Poroshenko—and enter a waiting limousine. The Bakers and the surging West Nashville Beelzebubbas, who arrived earlier in the week, are breaking new ground for the NFFA by playing this year's 12th annual Bacchanal to the Future game at Wembley Stadium, a game that will go a long way in determining the course of the 2015 playoff picture.

As Snoop and Brady were fielding questions on the tarmac beneath Air Bake One, Sharif and the Chocolate King left for what has been reported as an "intense" dinner together at the One-Eyed Pig, a supergastropub and notorious refuge for ex-pat Baker fans near Trafalgar Square, also owned by Sharif.

For stateside fans, the team has taken a nosedive in the past month, recently losing in the last seconds to the Downtown Corsairs, followed last week by a crushing loss to the East Nashville Black Dogs. A team that once seemed like a shoo-in for the postseason is now on the ropes and apparently Poroshenko is placing part of the blame on Sharif's private life. Increasingly, Sharif has been seen in the company of federal judge Naomi Morningstar and recent consulting hire Sepp Blatter. Sharif and Blatter recently spent several days in Zurich at Blatter's home amid rumors of an impending split with Poroshenko.

Diners at the One-Eyed Pig told reporters Thursday morning that Poroshenko threw a drink in Sharif's face and smeared chocolate across the breast of his own shirt, a sign in the Ukraine of throrough disgust, dating back to a Teutonic/Mongol tradition of wiping oneself with one's own feces to make a point. Sharif is reported to have cried out and cut the palm of his own hand with a steak knife, shouting that "only fools worry about this world!"

Of course, criticism of the Bakers has been mounting and fans appear to be blaming Sharif. Injuries and lackluster performance by the receiving corps and the defense, of late, seem to be likely culprits, but Sharif's lifestyle has always been fodder for the press. The fact that trusted PR maven Faith Popcorn has been sequestered at Sharif's home in some form of mysterious "recovery" has only fueled speculation that all is not right in Bakerland. Guests at a recent gala fundraiser for chimpanzee rescue held in Sharif's home reported open drug use by many present and several great cats, dressed in theater garb, roaming the grounds freely. Judge Morningstar presided with Sharif, according to guests, over forced marriages of wild animals from different species, and at least one attendee stated that nude guards would then escort the "newlyweds" to the Treehouse for a forced consummation. For the record, Sharif has always defended any "animal-centric events" as attended by proper doctors. The Bacchanal itself has always been complemented by an army of medical doctors, veterinarians, and pharmacists.

With the recent downturn in fortunes, those events and others like them, have been singled out as evidence of Sharif's lack of control. This weekend's Bacchanal is a chance for redemption. A win over the 'Bubbas could potentially clinch a playoff spot. It has been learned that Sharif plans to attend an integrity dinner Friday night at Kensington Palace, organized by Friends of the Bakers (London), honoring the franchise and celebrating the life of the late Joe Strummer, a former minority owner of the Bakers and part of the original exploration committee that landed the team in Nashville. The dinner is expected to draw influential guests, including Sir Elton John, David Beckham, and Lulu, interested in bringing an NFFA team to London.