Expect to see Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D and Jack White reprise their 2012 championship performance on Sunday.
by Soren Bernyn, FSN
The Downtown Corsairs, defending NFFA Champions, plan to kick off the new season in style Sunday with a raucous parade through Nashville, capped with a halftime Championship Ring ceremony for the Corsairs 2014 roster. The team held a presser Saturday at Pinewood Social, the team's new unofficial headquarters.
"We tried to have this parade several times during the off-season, but were stymied by wicked weather and scattered assholes filing lawsuits," Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D stated, referring to the annual barrage of NFFA team attorneys attempting to overturn the previous season's championship. "But it's a new day in Nashville, and we are stoked to have two of our stalwart fans as co-marshals: outgoing mayor Karl Dean, and incoming mayor Megan Barry. They have supported the Corsairs since the get-go, and the team has reciprocated."
The parade will include a regular who's-who of Nashville glitterati, and will feature performances by The Avett Brothers, Turbo Fruits, Kacey Musgraves and - naturally - Jack White. Mojo D was vibrating with delight when he said: "It is entirely possible that Jack and I will perform our 2012 Championship anthem 'Rather Be Lucky (Than Good [Any Day])', as well as debut our new surf-grass instrumental 'STFU,' which we are dedicating to our fellow NFFA owners and their lawyers."
The parade itself will wind from City Hall to the Music City Center, where the Corsairs will open their season at home in their luxury field, affectionately nicknamed "The Roofie." in typical fashion, the Corsairs' parade will be a visual spectacle, with Mardi Gras-style floats representing highlights and low points of the season. Mojo D opined "my favorite is the one commemorating the Bakers' lawsuit - it's a live-action tableau of Salvador Dalî's 'The Persistence of Memory,' complete with melting clocks."
The lead float will follow the TSU Marching Band, and "since he has the week off, LeVeon Bell will baby-sit my grandson Asher on that float - the two of them were key to our championship." Other floats display "a giant, ridiculous, orange-spray-tanned, candy-cotton-combover effigy" of Village Green's new owner Donald Trump, which Mojo D said "may or may not explode in front of The Palm. It should be awesome - fire-eaters, clowns, chainsaw-jugglers, erotic gymnasts, trannies on stilts, punk-rock brass bands, UFO fly-overs, interactive holograms: the whole breadth and depth of a new Nashville!"
The ring ceremony at halftime promises to be emotional: young Asher will present the team with a symbol of their victory: a two-knuckle gold ring studded with emeralds and diamonds in the shape of the Roofie. It will also present an awkward moment when two current Beelzebubbas - CJ Anderson and Odell Beckham Jr. - cross from the opponents' sideline to accept their rings. "I hate that those dudes aren't Corsairs anymore," Coach Ray-Ray Lewis said. "They're gamers, but you only get one keeper."
"But enough hoopla," Mojo D said. "The season is upon us - let the games and the drinks begin!" It is worth noting that the hipster crowd at Pinewood was puzzled.
