reveal (bottom left to right in the magnified inset) Marvin Harrison, Sen.
Larry Craig and Owen Wilson in the audience.
HARRISON SUSPENDED UNTIL 2011
Human Pit Fighting ‘over the top,’ commish says
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
In a shocking development that could bring chaos upon the NFFA’s new season, Commissioner William D. Money announced yesterday that All-Star WR Marvin Harrison has been suspended until October 2011 for involvement in human pit fighting.
“We have clear evidence,” an unusually subdued Money said, reading from a prepared statement at the beginning of a hastily called news conference at NFFA headquarters. “We know that human death matches were taking place on Fidalgo Island because General [George Washington] Leonard found the pits last year during the invasion. More recently, we have video proof that Mr. Harrison attended these matches.
“Such conduct,” Money said, “is over the top, even for this league.”
Sources familiar with the league’s investigation say that the videotapes, which were found among the massive collection of pornographic tapes confiscated from Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber's mansion during the invasion, showed Harrison in the crowd during one of the fights. Also seated nearby were Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) and actor Owen Wilson. (Wilson’s recent apparent suicide attempt, sources said, came after he learned that he would be linked to the pit fighting operation.)
Investigators apparently found that Bobber was engaged in a complex operation with the government of North Korea to import human slaves used in the fights. In return, Bobber made cash payments of as much as $1 million per person to North Korea, which has been desperate for hard currency.
In an ironic twist, the North Korean government apparently was unaware that Bobber had been paying for the slaves with bundles of counterfeit $100 bills produced on Fidalgo Island. The presses and plates were discovered by U.S. Special Forces during last year’s invasion. Previously, U.S. counterterrorism experts had believed that North Korea had been producing the counterfeit bills instead of merely putting them into circulation unwittingly.
The Sea Hogs owner apparently also had been selling DVDs of the human fights on the black market. Only after federal agents studied some of the confiscated tapes did they alert the NFFA to Harrison’s presence.
Harrison’s agent claimed late yesterday that his client is innocent and being framed. “If you look at the photos,” he said, “it’s obvious that they’ve been crudely doctored to insert Marvin. “Everyone knows Marvin is a straight arrow. This smells like something the powers behind the NFFA cooked up to screw the Alamo Scouts.” The Scouts had drafted Harrison two days before the suspension was announced.
Asked by a reporter why the league was suspending Harrison while taking no action against Bobber, Commissioner Money first pretended not to hear the question, then announced that the news conference was over and abruptly left the room.
As he departed, Money was overheard by at least one reporter to mutter, “I’m scared of that criminally insane mutha [expletive].”
