VILLAGE GREEN FIRE COACH STUART SMALLEY Feel-good formula worn out

The Village Green owner Dave Goodridge fired coach Stuart Smalley (left) last night and replaced him with offensive coordinator John Wayne (right).

From wire service reports

In a tersely written release, The Village Green ownership canned third-year head coach Stuart Smalley.   

Reached for comment at the Goodrow-A-Go-Go watering hole last night, Dave Goodrow said, "It's in the long-term interest of The Village Green to terminate the contract of Coach Smalley. Effective immediately, offensive coordinator John Wayne will take over head coaching responsibilities. 

"After tonight we'll be 1-3, and that's just not acceptable," Goodrow continued. "I'm glad to have John Wayne's Iowa-bred, no-fuckin'-around attitude back on the field and in the locker room."

When reached for comment, Wayne said, "I've come save your team, pilgrim."

Insiders close to this team noticed the tenor of the locker room had changed soon after the 2013 mandatory meggings company policy had been implemented.  

"Our workforce had changed over 200 percent in the last six months, no thanks to those meggings!" Goodrow groused. "We're just not ready for a staff of thin, well-groomed men to run this joint, and Coach Smalley wasn't doing us any favors either. He simply lost the team when his attention turned to the tightness of the meggings."

"This is just a big publicity stunt for Smalley," retorted Mojo D, owner of the archrival Downtown Corsairs, when he heard the news last night. "We all know damn well that he's launching his new megging product line on tonight's Monday Night Football. This is all about the GREEN!"

By press time, the Associated Web Press had confirmed reports that a 30-second, live commercial, which aired during the fourth quarter of last night's Chief-Patriots game, was paid for by Meggings by Smalley Inc. Many sources in the garment industry have confirmed the launch of Smalley's new meggings line, "Kansas City Faggots." It was Smalley's tribute to Blazing Saddles' creator, Mel Brooks.

12TH AVENUE HOODOO 50K Bakers fans to get free Andrew Luck voodoo dolls

Thanks to Roshen Confectionery, the first 50,000 Bakers fans to arrive at The Chocolate Palace tomorrow will receive free Andrew Luck voodoo dolls.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif didn't get much sleep Thursday night — but not for the usual reasons. No, it was newly acquired quarterback Kirk Cousins' disappointing 17.9-point performance against the Downtown Corsairs earlier that evening that had given Sharif insomnia. When he awoke Friday morning, he had one thought in mind: "I need a witch doctor."

Now Sharif is no stranger to the occult, and his rivalry with the Corsairs is so bitter it comes as no surprise he would seek help from the supernatural. Of course, this being Nashvegas, by lunchtime he had located a witch doctor from New Orleans off Nolensville Road in Antioch. "He came highly recommended," Sharif told the AWP by phone earlier today.

"Since our quarterback underperformed, the witch doctor prescribed a little hoodoo curse, said I should make a voodoo doll for my opponent's quarterback, who is Andrew Luck," the Bakers owner explained. "The idea was to stick pins in the arm of the doll that corresponds to Luck's throwing arm, which is his right. I thought why stop with one Andrew Luck voodoo doll? Why not make it a big promotion, you know, give one to every fan who comes through the gate on Sunday and really bring the pain to Luck's arm.

"So I got on the phone to CK [Chocolate King Petro Poroshenko] and asked him if his chocolate company Roshen would foot the bill for the dolls," Sharif continued. "Naturally, he said yes. Like any loyal Bakers fan, he can't stand the Corsairs.

"As part of the deal, at every home game one lucky fan will be rewarded with the solid Chocolate King Doll, made of the strongest Peruvian chocolate to be found," he added. "100 percent cacao. Each Chocolate King Doll winner will become eligible for a drawing at the end of the year to have dinner with me on the eve of the NFFA championship game."

The Chocolate Palace, as Bakers stadium is now known, has a capacity of nearly 80,000, so as it turns out, not everyone will receive an Andrew Luck voodoo doll. Because of the short turnaround, 50,000 was the maximum order the Bakers could place and still receive the dolls by game time. "The first 50,000 fans will get one — still plenty of people to stick it to Luck," Sharif concluded with a laugh.

Luck was not available for comment at the time of publication. More on this story as it develops.

TRIUMPH TURNS TO TRAGEDY

People across the NFFA are mourning the loss of the Bakers head coach Rob Bironas.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

It was the triumphant return of 12th Avenue quarterback Peyton He Hate Me to Fidalgo Island, a clutch fourth-quarter performance that propelled his new team to victory over his old team. But news of the death of head coach and longtime Baker Rob Bironas in an automobile crash late Saturday evening cast a pall over what would otherwise be a time of celebration in Baker nation.

The news of Bironas' passing spread rapidly across the league Sunday morning. By early afternoon, several gallons of Dr. Jorgé Linardo's legendary green bean casserole had been delivered to the Baker faithful gathered at The Cherry Bomb Café to watch the game, a group of fans who according to bartender Devlin Redd were in a "state of shock." Meanwhile at the game in Washington, every member of the Bakers roster wore Bironas' familiar number 2.

Emotions ran high in the League Chat. After acting commissioner Bill Money posted the news, Downtown Corsairs owner Mojo D, whose disdain for the Bakers is well-known, joked, "I have an alibi." In a rapidly escalating exchange in the League Chat area yesterday morning, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon blasted Mojo D over the "alibi" remark, and other comments he took to be disrespectful of  Bironas. "He was one of the league's beloved figures," McMahon said of the Bakers head coach.

The dustup between McMahon and Mojo D began when McMahon posted a comment asking, "Am I the only one who thinks Mojo D is being an ass for gloating over a 60-burger at a time when the league is mourning the loss of Bakers' coach Rob Bironas?" McMahon was referencing another comment by the Corsairs owner asking if the Black Dogs liked the "60-burger" Corsairs' quarterback Andrew Luck put on the scoreboard Sunday.

The exchange soon degenerated into a verbal pissing contest, punctuated by McMahon calling the Corsairs owner, "Grampy D," an apparent reference to Mojo D's new status as a grandfather. He went on to say when the Corsairs travel across town to The Chocolate Palace to face 12th Avenue this weekend, "I'm guessing everyone else in the league will be Bakers fans."

Some would call McMahon's comments sour grapes, considering his team was in the process of getting stomped by the Corsairs. When reached for comment today, the Black Dogs coach said, "Bironas is dead? What happened to him? And who is Mojo D?"

The AWP learned late last night that Bakers owner QCurl Sharif had flown back early from Fidalgo Island to visit the site of Bironas' deadly collision Sunday morning. A source close to Sharif say he was overcome with emotion when he saw the site of the crash, openly weeping for several minutes before regaining his composure. The source went on to say the Bakers owner has been inconsolable ever since.

As is often the case with anything involving the Bakers, there are several unanswered questions in connection to the death of their head coach. Why was Bironas in Nashvegas and not with the team in Fidalgo Island on Saturday night? What caused the road rage that resulted in him threatening to kill some college students less than an hour before his fatal crash? Had Bironas been dismissed as head coach by the team? Why is Saddam calling his death an assassination?

Sharif was still not taking calls at the time of publication, and the person who answered the phone at the team's headquarters offered a terse, "No comment."

More on this story as it develops.

NFFA Roundup MANNING CHANGES NAME Bakers franchise QB buys rights to ‘He Hate Me’

Peyton Manning changed his name in an apparent jab at Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.

By Woody Larry
FSN Sports Special Correspondent

Before even taking a snap for his new team, the 12th Avenue Bakers, All-NFFA quarterback Peyton Manning — a household name across America — will have a new name.

FSN has learned that Manning changed his legal name Thursday to He Hate Me. A NashVegas judge formally approved the name change, which had been complicated by negotiations with former player Rod Smart, who had trademarked the He Hate Me name and adopted it for himself. Manning’s legal counsel said that Smart had agreed to sell all rights to the name for a sum “in the low six figures.”

Manning’s new name apparently is a response to disparaging remarks made about him, in the days before the 2014 NFFA draft, by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. Though most draft experts believed that Manning was the best player available, Sharif said publicly that his team would not use the No. 1 overall pick to put a “notorious pussy,” as he described the top-rated QB, on the Bakers’ roster.

“Naw, it’s nothing bad,” said Manning when this reporter caught up with him after practice at the Bakers’ 12South training complex. “We’re just trying to have some fun with it. It’s like the Nazi costumes on draft night; some people don’t understand Mr. Sharif’s sense of humor, which is natural because I don’t think he really understands it either. In fact, I’m not even sure he thinks of it as humor but rather as something more cosmic and profoundly spiritual.

“I knew that’s what was behind him calling me a female genital. And he knew I was joking when I called him one right back for taking me, the safe choice, instead of the guy he had a man-crush on, Tre Mason. But it’s all good. I’m excited to be here.”

Some, however, suggested a more complex explanation for the name change — one that involved a bitter rival to the Bakers. According to one source, whose claim was confirmed by an anonymous member of the Corsairs’ marketing staff, Manning became He Hate Me as part of a soon-to-be-announced endorsement deal with Haterade. By coincidence, Haterade negotiated a sponsorship deal last month with Bill Cheatham, then owner of the Bakers, for naming rights at Grey Goose Stadium. The sale of the team to Cheatham was voided by league owners after Sharif, who had been declared legally dead, surfaced last month following a six-month absence. Corsairs owner Mojo D is the largest stockholder in Hater Holdings, Haterade’s parent company.

“I suppose that could be what’s going on,” said Ellis D. Hayes, chief legal counsel for the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, who often consults with the NFFA on contracts and licensing issues. “But I think it’s probably just about the Bakers trying to sell more T-shirts and jerseys.”

Lynch Misses Green Opener after Competing in ‘Battle of the Bulge’

Marshawn Lynch, who had been projected to start for The Village Green but was not in the lineup for the team’s opening game Thursday, apparently was a no-show because he had been competing in a sordid contest at the team’s unofficial headquarters, the Goodrow-a-Go-Go night club.

FSN has learned that Lynch had been part of the weekly “Battle of the Bulge” competition, which has become a very popular tradition at the club after The Green coach Stuart Smalley modeled “meggings” in team colors at a fashion show there.

During the Battle of the Bulge each Thursday evening, contestants walk a runway wearing meggings and The Village Green jerseys. The winner is determined by audience applause.

Witnesses said Lynch was competing on behalf of an unidentified local charity, but “the contest ran long,” said one, “and things kind of got out of hand.”

A person who answered the phone at The Village Green’s offices said the team would have no comment, and she could not say whether players would not be allowed to be part of the meggings competition in the future.