A jubilant Mojo D celebrates the Corsairs' 191-185.5 championship victory over the East Nashville Black Dogs with coach Sean Payton and MVP QB Drew Brees
By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network
The 8-6 Corsairs limped into the playoffs with a three-game losing skid, a 1-5 division record and the third-lowest point total in the league. But when it mattered most, the Corsairs delivered a season-high, 191-point performance to edge the defending NFFA champion East Nashville Black Dogs for the 2012 NFFA Championship. QB Drew Brees was named MVP of the Championship for his 62-point explosion, the highlight of a 177-point burst in the first half of the day. Coach Sean Payton said "you cannot overstate Drew's unbelievable contribution throughout the year, and this most important game was his second 60-burger this season - it came at just the right time."
The Corsairs' RB corps also played a major role in the victory, keyed by Reggie Bush's three-TD torrent and solid games from Matt Forte and Steven Jackson. The receivers put up a poor game - only 9 points, but with 33 points on the bench, "this was a coaching error," Mojo D stated flatly. "I blame McMizzle - he got in my head as always, and had me thinking that I needed to think unconventionally to beat the Black Dogs. Had we stuck with the guys who scored the most points for us this season, we would have had a season-high final score. But the outcome was still fine, so I can't linger on that."
Asked about McMizzle's seemingly easy entry to his head, Mojo D replied, "Before the season started, I put most of my brain up in the cloud, so I'm surprised he could hack the interior. We found the portal where Jim got in, but rather than close it up, we're going to turn it into a revenue-producer. There are a lot of fantasy-football owners who would love to know what's going on in there, and I am happy to take their money."
The worldwide celebration of the Corsairs' championship reverberated from China, where the team gained millions of fans from last year's "Season at Sea" to Iceland, where owner Mojo D holds a diplomatic status. But it was loudest in Nashvegas at a raucous celebration near the Marathon MotorWorks. In a rare lull in the action during the Championship shindig, Corsairs Owner Mojo D shared his gratitude: "the Black Dogs are a worthy adversary, and I will enjoy every minute as champion, as they have. But Meemaw has cautioned me to be gracious in my victory, lest I get what she called 'the Money Shot.' You know her frying pan and garden shears are ON her desk, right?"
With Sean Payton's NFFA departure inevitable, Mojo D shrugged off concerns about the next coach: "It will be just like finding peyote - you walk along, paying attention to everything and nothing around you, and then -- and only then -- the solution presents itself you."
After dropping the Castaneda riff, the band was ready to go back on, and NFFA uber-fan Jack White called up Mojo D to debut their new single "Rather Be Lucky (Than Good) (Any Day)" (available in very limited quantities on collector-platinum vinyl) - an indescribably weird mash-up of Neil Young and the Skatalites played through a hand-cranked Victrola. The song pays homage to the Corsairs' guiding principle, which Mojo D said after the show "defined our season. I have often said that a buck-forty ain't shit in the NFFA, but it is if the other guys are scoring a buck-thirty, and that's what happened over and over this season. But these players brought it when the time was right, and it's fitting that in the most important game, the team was both lucky AND good."
With that, Championship MVP Drew Brees tapped a new cask of Corsair Nashvegas Championship Moonshine -- Mojo D said, "it's available for a limited time to celebrate this memorable and remarkable championship, it is filtered through peach pits, which we understand is actually an old Murrman family technique." The liquor flowed, the music rocked, the people danced, and the streets ran bright and shiny with holiday cheer and the glow of victory.
In advance of this weekend's NFFA title game, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon (cutaway) has taken up residence inside Corsairs owner Mojo D's head.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
NASHVEGAS—East Nashville head coach Jim MaMahon is known for hosting bizarre press conferences, but early this morning he held what has to be his most bizarre press conference yet.
McMahon has his Black Dogs team on the brink of an unprecedented fourth NFFA championship as they host the Corsairs in the 2012 NFFA title game this weekend at Dawg House Stadium. Earlier today, the Black Dogs coach invited credentialed media to participate via Skype in a live video press briefing at noon EST. Once the press conference began, the East Nashville head coach could be seen in a spacious room with beautiful hardwood floors. There was a backpack on the floor and a ladder in the far rear corner, but nothing else.
"I'm coming to you today from inside [Corsairs owner] Mojo D's head," McMahon said. "I'm just getting settled in, and as you can see, there's not much here." He turned and gestured with his hand toward the empty room behind him, then turned back and laughed.
Continuing he said, "Before I open the floor up for questions, I want to thank [Black Dogs GM] Buddy Ryan. He may not be Wilder the Animal, but he put together a great team: A Top 5 quarterback, three Top 10 running backs, the No. 1 receiver, the No. 1 tight end, a Top 10 placekicker, the No. 2 defensive lineman, a Top 5 linebacker and two Top 5 defensive backs; plus a deep bench. So thanks, Buddy.
"I also want to thank the heart and soul of this team, linebacker Brian Urlacher, who has dealt with injuries for a good part of the year, but has nevertheless been a leader on this team. Brian is the only player who has been on all three Black Dogs championship teams. Although he will not be able to play in this weekend's title match, we plan to win a fourth ring for the man we like to call 'The Beast.'"
"I'll now open the floor up for questions." The first few questions dealt with details of the title game Here's a sampling:
"Does the team's signing of Colin Kaepernick indicate a change at quarterback?" ("No, Matthew Stafford is our starter.")
"Will you stick with the same three running backs who started in the semifinal game?" ("Not sure, yet. Everyone's playing great, so that's a problem I like to have.")
Then the press conference took a left turn when Ariel Mutha-Tafoya of FSN asked, "How did you get inside Mojo D's head?"
"Well, it's sort of like the movie Being John Malkovich," McMahon said. "I found a portal into his head and I go in there from time to time — basically, anytime I need some peace and quiet because not much is going on in there. I don't want to go into it any further because I don't want there to be a big rush of people in here. It's the last great American wilderness and I want to preserve it.
"Really, the challenge isn't getting in here, it's getting out," he continued. "You lose all perspective, it's like being in the Sahara with sand dunes as far as the eye can see. Plus my GPS goes haywire in here and cell service is spotty."
The next question came from Woody Larry, who asked, "Do you plan to alter the team's routine in anyway this week?"
"Well, Woody, the one thing I am considering is to have the players check out of the team hotel on Friday and spend Friday night here inside Mojo D's head," the Black Dogs coach said. "They will be able to get plenty of rest.
"I do want call your attention to the fact I will be hosting a celebrity ping pong tournament here on Friday afternoon, which will benefit my Forget To Hate Foundation. Joe Montana will square off with Deion Sanders in one of the opening rounds, and Justin Timberlake will take on Lindsay Lohan."
At that point, McMahon brought the press conference to a close, saying he was expecting a visit from the Pompatus for Morning Glory margaritas. According to the coach, the Pompatus is the only one who uses the space inside Mojo D's head on any regular basis.
Then as is his custom, McMahon departed with a salutation in Latin: Nos mos pello pepulli pulsum Corsairs amo peruro mancipium.
Cambridge QB Tom Brady (left) was selected 2012 MVP today by the AWP, while East Nashville's Jim McMahon (center) was chosen coach of the year. Cambridge GM Wilder the Animal (right) is holding a photo of his 11th round draft coup Rob Bironas, a pick which set him on the path to be named the league's top executive.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
In a made-for-TV moment already preserved for posterity in the infamous 12th Avenue Bakers draft bunker video, new Cambridge GM Wilder the Animal — or WTA as he is known in the Boston media — selected placekicker Rob Bironas with the second pick in the 11th round and sent shock waves through the NFFA which reverberated all the way to the annual AWP postseason awards.
Wilder the Animal's 11th round draft gambit forced the hand of QCurl Sharif, mercurial owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, who has a well-documented and unhealthy attachment to longtime Baker placekicker Bironas.Because Sharif could not bear to field a team without his "precious," as he calls Bironas, WTA was able to bait the Bakers owner into the biggest swap of players in league history, a trade that in retrospect appears to have been a particularly ill-advised move on the part of the Bakers. The key player in the trade — quarterback Tom Brady — went on to lead the league in scoring and was named the 2012 NFFA MVP today by the AWP. Wilder the Animal was named executive of the year, in no small part because of the trade for Brady. WTA, who is only 11 years old, is the youngest executive to ever receive the award, as well as the only exec in league history to have been grounded for questionable roster moves by the team owner, his father Dave the Animal.
East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon was named NFFA coach of the year, after leading the Black Dogs to a league-best 10-4 record and their seventh Jorge division title in the last eight years. McMahon, who earlier this season anointed himself "Lord of the Rings" because of his three NFFA championships in the previous seven seasons, has a lifetime regular-season record of 75-37, a winning percentage of .667, and has never had a losing season. In the upcoming playoffs, McMahon and the Black Dogs will try to become the first franchise to win four titles.
With an average of nearly 18 points per game, West Nashville Beelzebubbas running back Adrian Peterson was named the offensive player of the year, while 12th Avenue Bakers defensive lineman J.J. Watt was selected defensive player of the year, after scoring more points (128) than all but three other defenders. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs quarterback Peyton Manning, who sat out all last year, was chosen comeback player of the year after finishing with the league's third highest point total. Bakers quarterback Robert Griffin III and Beelzebubbas running back Doug Martin were cowinners of the rookie of the year award.
The All-NFFA teams also were announced with the Animals, Beelzebubbas and Black Dogs each placing three players on the first team. First consideration was given to players who have spent all or most of the season with a single team.
The following is the complete list of AWP postseason awards:
AWP Postseason Awards
MVP: QB Tom Brady, Cambridge Animals Offensive Player of the Year: RB Adrian Peterson, West Nashville Beelzebubbas Defensive Player of the Year: DL J.J. Watt, 12th Avenue Bakers Rookies of the Year: QB Robert Griffin III, 12th Avenue Bakers and RB Doug Martin, West Nashville Beelzebubbas Comeback Player of the Year: QB Peyton Manning, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs Coach of the Year: Jim McMahon, East Nashville Black Dogs Executive of the Year: Wilder the Animal, Cambridge Animals
All NFFA First Team QB: Tom Brady, Cambridge Animals RB: Adrian Peterson, West Nashville Beelzebubbas RB: Arian Foster, Atlanta Smack Daddies WR: Randall Cobb, East Nashville Black Dogs WR: Calvin Johnson, Atlanta Smack Daddies WR: A.J. Green, West Nashville Beelebubbas TE: Rob Gronkowski, Cambridge Animals PK: Stephen Gostkowski, The Village Green DL: J.J. Watt, 12th Avenue Bakers DL: Jason Pierre-Paul, East Nashville Black Dogs LB: Daryl Washington, West Nashville Beelzebubbas LB: James Laurinaitis, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs DB: Devin McCourty, Cambridge Animals DB: Charles Tillman, East Nashville Black Dogs
Second Team QB: Drew Brees, Corsairs RB: Doug Martin, West Nashville Beelzebubbas RB: Marshawn Lynch, East Nashville Black Dogs WR: Brandon Marshall, Atlanta Smack Daddies WR: Vincent Jackson, 12th Avenue Bakers WR: Dez Bryant, The Village Green TE: Tony Gonzalez, East Nashville Black Dogs PK: Matt Byrant, Cambridge Animals DL: Cameron Wake, The Village Green DL: Elvis Dumervil, West Nashville Beelzebubbas LB: Lance Briggs, The Village Green LB: Chad Greenway, 12th Avenue Bakers DB: Leodis McKelvin, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs DB: Ronde Barber, The Village Green
Miscellaneous Awards Highest Score: Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals Lowest Score: The Village Green, 64 points, week 10 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs
Five Best Draft Picks: 1. Round 3-1, 12th Avenue Bakers: QB Robert Griffin III 2. Round 5-8, East Nashville Black Dogs: WR Randall Cobb 3. Round 3-3, West Nashville Beelzebubbas: RB Doug Martin 4. Round 8-8,12th Avenue Bakers: WR Vincent Jackson 5. Round 12-8, 12th Avenue Bakers: DL J.J. Watt
Five Worst Draft Picks: 1. Round 1-1, 12th Avenue Bakers: WR Roddy White 2. Round 1-6, The Village Green: RB Ryan Matthews 3. Round 2-8, 12th Avenue Bakers: TE Antonio Gates 4. Round 4-6, Cambridge Animals: RB Roy Helu 5. Round 6-8, 12th Avenue Bakers: RB Peyton Hillis* * The Bakers sent Hillis to the Animals as part of a six-player trade.
Biggest Trade: Sept. 7 — In the largest swap of players in league history, the 12th Avenue Bakers sent QB Tom Brady, RB Peyton Hillis and PK Matt Bryant to the Cambridge Animals for QB Cam Newton, RB Chris Johnson and PK Rob Bironas.
Best Pregame Show: Nov. 15 — During the pregame festivities before the Fidalgo Island @ East Nashville Black Dogs game, Felix Baumgartner skydived from space into the Dawg House to deliver a pair of Sea Hogskin game balls to the referee.
Best Press Conference: Sept. 13 — QCurl Sharif, explaining profane, Nazi-themed draft bunker video. Best New Nightclub: Goodrow-A-Go-Go.
Gutsiest Player Move:Fidalgo Island owner Tirik Obobber naming quarterback Peyton Manning a "keeper" after spending the entire 2011 season on IR with a severe neck injury.
Best Mojo-Stealing Draft Pick:Corsairs owner Mojo D drafted longtime West Nashville Beelzebubbas running back Leon Washington in the 10th round for the express purpose of stealing at least part of the Beelzebubbas' mojo. The result? Two regular season wins over the team from the West Nasty and a higher playoff seeding.
NFFA Hall of Fame
In a related story, NFFA deputy commissioner Meemaw Murmann today announced the inaugural class for the NFFA Hall of Fame, whose two members will include former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrman (the deputy commissioner's grandson) and former 12th Avenue Bakers coach Stumpy Legg. Some media members were surprised by the announcement, since both "ThurMurr" and Legg compiled losing records during their tenure in the league. Deputy Commissioner Murmann also announced that a groundbreaking ceremony will take place in January for the Hall of Fame building, which will be erected in Alamo, Texas, on land donated by Murmann next to her Sunnyside Up Cafe.
The Black Dogs will begin their title defense against the Corsairs.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
NASHVEGAS—With their victory over The Village Green last night, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs not only clinched a playoff berth, but also hoisted the Linardo division crown. The Corsairs and Sea Hogs both finished 8-6, but the Sea Hogs earned the division title via the second tiebreaker, division record. The first tiebreaker — head-to-head competition — was moot because the teams split their two games in the regular season. The Hogs went 4-2 in the division, while the Corsairs were 1-5.
The defending NFFA champion East Nashville Black Dogs (10-4) clinched their seventh Jorge division title in the last eight years with their victory over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (8-6), who round out the championship playoff pairings.
The Black Dogs earned the No. 1 seed as the division winner with the best record. As the other division winner, the Sea Hogs are the No. 2 seed. The Corsairs are the No. 3 seed by virtue of winning both of their head-to-head matchups with the Beelzebubbas, who get the No. 4 seed. The 'Bubbas visit East Nashville in the opening round of the playoffs, while the Corsairs travel to Fidalgo Island in the other opening round game.
The Black Dogs will try to become the first team in NFFA history to win back-to-back titles. If they are successful, it will be their fourth championship in the last eight seasons. The Sea Hogs will try to join the Black Dogs and Atlanta Smack Daddies as three-time champions. The Beelzebubbas are going for their second NFFA crown, while the Corsairs will try to become champions for the first time under the direction of team owner Mojo D. The Corsairs franchise won a title in 2004 under different ownership when it was known as the Southall Block Rockers.
In the consolation playoff bracket, the Smack Daddies (7-7) are the No. 5 seed and will host The Village Green (4-10), the No. 8 seed. The Cambridge Animals (8-6) are the No. 6 seed and will host the No. 7 seed 12th Avenue Bakers (4-10), their longtime bitter rivals. The results of the consolation playoffs have no effect on the draft order of the four teams involved. The draft order for the bottom four teams is based on their regular season finish. The first four picks in the 2013 NFFA draft will be as follows:
1. The Village Green
2. 12th Avenue Bakers
3. Cambridge Animals
4. Atlanta Smack Daddies
One note of interest: The Village Green's final record of 4-10 is the exact reverse of their 2011 league-best record of 10-4.
RG III keeps a publicity photo of Tom Brady in his locker.
By R.E. Porter Associated Web Press
CAMBRIDGE—In a bizarre development that threatens the integrity of the NFFA, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal has filed a formal complaint with the league office accusing the 12th Avenue Bakers of using "an unauthorized QBbot," the AWP has learned.
"RG III has a huge man crush on Tom Brady and keeps a photo of him in his locker at RFK Stadium," DTA said via cell phone Friday evening. "This raises suspicion because the RG3 models are well-known to be completely emotionless."
DTA went on to explain that Robert Griffin III is actually an RG3 model quarterbackbot. He further claimed to have photographic evidence which actually identifies RG III as an unauthorized RG4 model QBbot with "Made in Howenwald" tattooed on the back of his neck.
"Unlike RG3 models which come from Methlon's Smyrna Robotics Plant and are approved for play by the NFL, the RG4 models, while impressively emotional, have not been approved for league play. So far, only the AMA and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science have approved the RG4 for 'sex, lurking on streetcorners, occasional home invasions and small roles as the wiseass, crackhead zombies in movies starring Judd Nelson or equivalent.'
"Therefore, the Bakers may have to forfeit this week's game and doubt has been cast on their entire illustrious season," the Cambridge owner concluded.
NFFA Deputy Commissioner Meemaw Murrman confirmed the league had received the written complaint from the Animals front office and said the complaint was "under review."
During her Bacchanal performance last weekend, Taylor Swift can be seen holding a handgun she later used in an attempt on QCurl Sharif's life.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya FSN Sports
In a normal year, though “normal” is a word that has never appeared before in a story about the annual Bacchanal to the Future, the highlight of the three-day festival usually involves the performances of the musical guests. This year was no exception, except that the performance involved an attempted assassination — by musical guest Taylor Swift — of Bacchanal co-founder QCurl Sharif. Even by Bacchanal standards, this was not a normal year.
QCurl Sharif (File).
On Saturday afternoon, as Sharif sang onstage with Taylor Swift and a reanimated Warren Zevon, Swift produced a 9-millimeter Baretta pistol and fired three shots into Sharif’s chest. Two other bullets, apparently aimed at the Bakers owner, instead struck Zevon, who was pronounced re-dead at the scene.
Fruit of Astarte security forces, joined by Sharif’s own Israeli-trained praetorian guard, quickly surrounded a dazed-looking Swift and led her away in handcuffs. Amid wails and shrieks from the crowd, Sharif lay prone for nearly 30 seconds, then miraculously rose to his feet and demanded that the show continue.
Though some initial reports attributed Sharif’s apparent lack of injury to the intervention of friend of the team Shiva the Destroyer, sources in the Bakers’ organization later explained that Sharif had been wearing a bulletproof Kevlar vest at the insistence of PR maven Faith Popcorn. The sources gave no specific reason why Sharif was asked to wear the vest, but as one of them said, “I could think of at least a dozen reasons just on one hand.”
It was the third confirmed attempt on Sharif’s life in the past 10 weeks. The troubled and charismatic Bakers owner survived two botched car bombings this fall, at least one of which apparently involved an Islamic extremist group.
Adding insult to literal injury to Sharif was the Beelzebubbas’ 166-117 shellacking of the Bakers in the annual tilt that has come to define the league’s sordid and often brutal past as well as its freewheeling, free-thinking ethos. In many seasons, the game is regarded as a distraction from the Bacchanal — to the point that key players and coaches from each team have skipped the football contest in favor of the festival.
After the latest attempt, when he returned to his feet and order was restored, Sharif urged the crowd not to worry about Zevon. “While we will miss him for the rest of the weekend, Warren would absolutely want the party to go on,” Sharif said. “And there’s no doubt he will be back in 2013. Warren is a beast. He never misses a Bacchanal. In fact, his last words before he re-died were, ‘You have to let me race the chariot next year.’ That’s a promise I made to him.” And with that, the band launched into Zevon’s “Life’ll Kill Ya” followed by “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” which he had cowritten with NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo.
Throughout the day Sunday, league investigators pieced together the surprising and sordid story behind Swift’s murderous act, following a trail that led them to the formerly criminally insane owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and to North Korea.
Before undergoing curative therapy at the Betty Ford Center for the Criminally Insane, Tirik O’Bobber had hosted the then 13-year-old Swift aboard his yacht, the Fatal Attraction II. Apparently against her will, Swift was taken to North Korea, whose leaders had formed a working partnership with O’Bobber. There, in a plot that would be familiar to viewers of “The Manchurian Candidate,” the singer underwent hypnotherapy and was trained as an assassin, to be planted back in the United States as a “deep-sleeper cell” with no memory of her experience. A specific cue — the word “monkey” sung in the presence of Sharif — would activate her to attempt to kill the Bakers owner. Swift produced her gun and fired minutes after Sharif and Zevon sang “Porcelain Monkey,” Zevon’s tribute to Elvis Presley.
Warren Zevon before the shooting.
As the shots rang out, Sharif appeared to adopt a yoga-based defensive position immediately. Following the final strains of “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” he knelt on the front edge of the stage, accepting hands, gifts and many flowers from the relieved crowd. He spoke to them, reminding everyone that he had, in fact, been the inspiration for J.D. Salinger’s short story “The Laughing Man,” in which the central character wore a mask made entirely of rose petals, and who had been shot multiple times in the heart, only to regurgitate the bullets from his mouth at the feet of his enemies.
It was not immediately clear why Sharif was the target, but team officials noted that O’Bobber had tried at least one other time to assassinate the Bakers owner by planting a bomb in a pair of ostrich-hide boots he gave Sharif to wear to an NFFA owners meeting at the Cherry Bomb Café. O’Bobber, who had an All-Excess pass to the Bacchanal and was relaxing with Vice President Joe Biden, James Spader and several “Vestal Virgin” hostesses in the VIP Lounge at the time of the shooting, was shocked to learn that he may have set the chain of events in motion.
League investigators apparently were satisfied that O’Bobber, who witnesses said was upset to learn of his connection to the day’s events, had no memory of kidnapping Swift or arranging for the murder of Sharif. “Ironically, it seems that the therapy worked so well that Mr. O’Bobber forgot everything about his past life,” Popcorn said Sunday. “We just hope there aren’t any other landmines buried out there.”
Aphrodite Hayden Panettiere.
Other than Saturday’s hitch, the rest of the Bacchanal IX celebration was as big a success as the festival organizers had hoped. With “Nashville” star Hayden Panettiere in the role of Aphrodite and Powers Booth serving as Charon, the Bacchanal’s opening ceremonies included a symbolic journey to the underworld, lavishly produced by the firm that staged the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics and complete with a $20 million hydraulic system that lowered the Dionysus Stage into a subterranean chamber that had been excavated for the event.
Rumors of a botched artificial insemination within that chamber have surfaced in the local press, a rumor vigorously denied by the NFFA Office of Public Relations. While it was been confirmed that screams were heard from the underground chamber, both Booth and Panettiere have indicated they were screams of delight — perhaps fueled by the sudden and unexplained reappearance of broadcaster Megyn Kelly, who had vanished during an election-night party at Sharif’s West End Tree House, and perhaps by a mushroom-maté drink championed by Sharif and originally concocted by Dr. Linardo. (Linardo announced that guests in the swank Palenque Room at Club Gitmo will receive free mushroom-matés if the Beelzebubbas defeat the Black Dogs in their regular-season finale.) In related news, Sharif denied published reports that he is the father of Kate Middleton's baby. "I've seen London, I've seen France, but I haven't seen any underpants," said Sharif in a statement.
The chariot race, which has become a crowd favorite since the Bakers and Beelzebubbas made a civic gift of the Centennial Park Hippodrome in 2008, offered a welcome return to horse-drawn chariots. Last year, because the chariots had been impounded by police as part of the investigation into Sharif’s Bobberhead Lodge, the race was staged with tractors. Sharif was ultimately cleared of wrongdoing in the affair, and, as further vindication, his team’s entry in the race, driven by a reanimated Charlton Heston, edged the Beelzebubbas’ chariot driven by Vin Diesel. After crossing the finish line, a clearly excited Heston fired off a number of celebratory rounds from an AR15 assault rifle, wounding the race’s honorary flagman Zac Brown.
“The race was our shining moment,” Sharif said later. “I think next year, though, we should definitely re-enact the crash of Masala from the Ben-Hur movie. Everyone was thrilled to see big Chuck up there driving his team — it would have been a nice touch to have of the charioteers to dragged around the Hippodrome. I mean, by this point, the fans really want to get to the heart of the weekend.”
Jack White tips his hat to the crowd.
This Bacchanal musical lineup placed an emphasis on first-time performers who had been unable to crack the roster in previous years. Among the Bacchanal initiates for 2012 were Jack White; Eddie Vedder; Ludacris; a reanimated Andy Williams; Umphrey’s McGee; Ray Wylie Hubbard; Mojo Nixxon and Skid Roper; Sir Elton John; Snow Patrol; the Beach Boys; Morrissey; Will.I.Am; Burl Ives; and Alice Cooper.
The surprise crowd favorite among the newcomers was a reanimated Johnny Paycheck, who was designated as Honorary Grand Marshal for the weekend. Thousands in the crowd were seen two-stepping as Paycheck performed highly charged versions of “Satin Sheets,” “11 Months and 29 Days,” “Pardon Me, I Have Someone to Kill,” and “She’s Got a Drinking Problem.” Sharif joined Paycheck for “If I’m Gonna Sink (I Might as Well Go to the Bottom)” before Hank III accompanied them both oin “I’m the Only Hell My Mama Ever Raised.” Near the end of his hour-long set, Paycheck led the audience in singing “Take This Job and Shove It,” before launching into a diatribe with Ginger Baker, who was waiting in the wings and who broke Paycheck’s nose in the ensuing fistfight between the two.
Among the other highlights of Bacchanal 2012:
Donald Fagen (left) and Walter Becker on Saturday.
• Annual favorites Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, reunited with Steely Dan regular Jeff Skunk Baxter, electrified the crowd with a 30-minute jam version of “Bodhisattva,” and were joined later by Dr. Linardo, who delivered dramatic readings of “Josie” and “Throw Out Your Gold Teeth.” That, too, was a reunion of sorts; according to Fagen, Dr. Linardo provided the inspiration during their L.A. days for “Daddy Don’t Live in That New York City No More.”
• The reanimated and reunited Ramones, another favorite, performed “I Wanna Be Sedated,” “Blitzkrieg Bop,” “I Just Wanna Sniff Some Glue,” and “The KKK Took My Baby Away” before sending the revelers into a frenzy with “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg (My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down).”
Johnny Depp backstage.
• Near the end of their set, Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings were joined by a reanimated Muddy Waters, who performed “Champagne and Reefer,” as Sod Bakers employees sling-shotted sample bags of their signature “Green Caviar” product into the waiting crowd. During the resulting frenzy, new NashVegas resident Johnny Depp and Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon were spotted atop the Parthenon. Each wore a pink toga and matching Doc Martens boots, and fired souvenir Bacchanal t-shirts and Sod Bakers gift bags from an air-powered bazooka.
• Former President Bill Clinton, who led the opening Pledge of Allegiance with Bacchanal impresario Haven Hamilton, joined George Clinton, Bootsy Collins and Funkadelic for ”One Nation Under a Groove” and “Atomic Dog.” After their set, both Clintons boarded the Mothership, which had been hovering above the stage and sailed over the western horizon.
• The Nashville Symphony, led by a reanimated Kenneth Schermerhorn as guest conductor and joined by the Red Army Chorus from Moscow, performed the "1812 Overture" near the end of the musical portion festival Saturday night. The piece’s climactic sequences were accompanied by real cannons, which were trained on the home of country singer John Rich atop nearby Love Circle Hill. On Sunday morning, a “Mission Accomplished” banner was on display in front of the smoldering ruin of Rich’s home.
"Goodrow" onstage with The Village People.
• Village Green team owner Dave “Goodrow” Goodridge joined The Village People for “YMCA” and “In the Navy” before announcing that the band also would be playing for the “after-party” at his Goodrow-a-Go-Go. After last year’s experience, when Goodridge fell into an alcohol- and narcotics-induced coma and was partially reanimated by mistake, extra security was assigned to shadow him during the festival. Though they prevented a recurrence of the 2011 debacle, Goodridge, dressed as a cowboy, with his chimpanzee Gonzo in Native American garb, did have to be restrained for frightening the horses during Sunday morning’s chariot race. He was said to be so distracted by the festivities that he started two inactive players in his victory over the Corsairs. “I was trying to prove a point … I think,” said an obviously inebriated Goodridge afterward. (Later, Goodridge seemed to leave open the possibility that he would make an annual tradition of playing short-handed against his division rival. “After sweeping them in the regular season every year, it might be the sporting thing to do,” he admitted.)
• AC/DC’s performance of “You Shook Me All Night Long” that accompanied a re-enactment, using reproductions of first-century naval vessels, of the Battle of Actium on Lake Watauga.
• An unannounced reunion of REM, whose performance of “It’s the End of the World (as We Know It)” induced the crowd of 80,000 to sing along and was declared by the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs as the Co-Official Theme Song of the Bacchanal — an honor it shares with Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin), which Sly & the Family Stone perform each year to open the show.
Near midnight on Saturday, all the performers joined on one stage to close the show. First, the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs thanked the crowd for coming before asking Nick Lowe to lead everyone in “What’s So Funny about Peace Love and Understanding,” which he dedicated to Dr. Linardo. Then the concert closed with the traditional singing of “The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down” and “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?”
Moved by the closing scene, Sharif tearfully thanked the crowd for "not just standing by the Bakers and the Bubbas during these trying events, but by the entire NFFA family."
"Violence is never the answer," Sharif said. "Well, maybe never is too strong a word. Sometimes violence is the answer, but not here, not in our house. We love you all — and please, don't eat the brown acid. Eat the purple stuff — the one with the commemorative Bacchanal seal on it. Drive safe and see you next year in Jerusalem."
Guatemalan elder Don Luis initiated Bill Money as a Mayan shaman.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya FSN Sports
When NFFA fans last heard news of Bill Money, the league’s commissioner and Black Dogs team owner was hospitalized in a coma after a mysterious beating at his office in the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashville. Under equally mysterious circumstances, Money apparently was transferred, while still in a comatose state, from a local ICU to a long-term care facility in Mexico that, as FSN has learned, has ties to league founder Dr. Jorge Linardo.
Last week, Money appeared alive and well — though not in person — in making his first public statement after the assault on him in September. Speaking via Skype, Money announced that he had been living for the past two months in the highlands of Guatemala and was initiated as a Mayan shaman during his time there.
In his rambling, two-minute statement, which he said originated from the Guatemalan city of Antigua, Money verbally attacked his fellow NFFA owners for following what he called “the false gods of God, Shiva, Satan, Allah, monkeys, Crystal and Maryjane.”
He also announced that the league’s championship game would be moved from December 23 to December 20, so that “Los Perros Negros de Nashville Oriental” could claim another title before the world ends on December 21.
There was no immediate comment from Deputy Commissioner MeeMaw Murmann, who has been acting as the league’s chief executive in Money’s absence.
MEMA Leads Emergency Response to Sandy
Hundreds of MEMA trailers in the back parking area at Methlon Enterprises awaiting deployment to victims on the day after Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya FSN Sports
According to sources from inside the company, the night after Superstorm Sandy made landfall in the New York area, Methlon president and CEO Dave the Animal convened an emergency board meeting. “It is our moral duty as an organization,” DTA reportedly told those around the table, “to make an unprecedented effort to meet the medicinal needs of a hurting community amid a human tragedy.”
From that session was born MEMA — the Methlon Emergency Management Association. In a triumph of logistical skill and supply chain management, MEMA trailers began rolling down I-95 to the storm-ravaged areas of the East Coast within days after the hurricane hit.
For the past month, MEMA has been setting up distribution points for pharmacological relief supplies from Long Island to North Carolina, with special emphasis on the hardest hit areas of New Jersey and Staten Island.
“We’re a divided country, but this is one issue where all sides can come together,” said DTA before adding with a slight smile: “We invite Democrats and Republicans to come together and smoke the pipe of peace.”
When reached by phone yesterday, DTA said that MEMA would remain operational after its efforts related to Sandy were complete, in order to provide rapid response to future disasters. “Plus,” DTA said, “it’s always an emergency for somebody, you know?”
The Cambridge Animals owner was quick to deflect criticism that MEMA was simply a ploy to increase the territories and markets for Methlon products. “That’s insulting,” DTA snapped at a reporter’s question. “This isn’t about capitalism. It’s about compassion. We’re here to help. You’re welcome.”
Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner dropped from space into Black Dogs
stadium tonight carrying special "sea-hogskin" game balls.
By R.E. Porter Associated Web Press
NASHVEGAS—East Nashville general manager Buddy Ryan is known for some unusual game-day promotions, most notably his "Bring Your Black Dog to the Game" promotion in 2008 that resulted in the mauling of a number of fans of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. Well, the Sea Hogs are back in the East Nasty this week, and Ryan had another pregame surprise.
Duplicating his October feat, Austrian Felix Baumgartner skydived from outer space, this time landing on the field at the Dawg House, as Black Dogs stadium is known, during the pregame festivities. An excited Ryan broke the news to the AWP earlier today via cell phone.
"This is gonna be a helluva show," Ryan enthused. "Not only is Felix gonna skydive from space into the stadium, he will be carrying two ceremonial game balls made of sea hog pigskin." Ryan went on to explain that the "hogskin" game balls were specially made for this year's home contest with Fidalgo Island.
"We'll also have the traditional running of the black dogs," the GM continued, "but to make sure no one gets mauled, the dogs will be chasing mechanical sea hogs — you know, sort of like the mechanical rabbits at greyhound tracks."
The Sea Hogs enter the game with a 5-5 record and tied for the final playoff spot; the Black Dogs lead all teams at 8-2.
Goodrow is shooting for The Village Green to score at least one point tonight so his bitter enemy Mojo D — or as he likes to joke, his "bitter enema" — will still hold the record for the second-lowest point total in the history of the NFFA.
By R.E. Porter Associated Web Press
Update: Nov. 13, 2012, 9:30 a.m. CST — The final score of last night's contest between the East Nashville Black Dogs and The Village Green was Black Dogs 147, Green 64. The Green's 64 points is the fourth-lowest total since 2004. The list of double-digit scores at the end of this story has been updated to include last night's results.
HILLSBORO VILLAGE—Barring some kind of scoring anomaly tonight, The Village Green will post the lowest score of the season thus far, most likely finishing with a total somewhere between 70 and 80 points. They have 60 points going into the Monday night game. It will be The Green's second double-digit score of the season, tying them with the 12th Avenue Bakers for that ignominious distinction.
Double-digit scores became a rarity when the league made the switch to its one-point-per-10-yards scoring system prior to the 2005 season. Since then, the Bakers have failed to hit 100 points 11 times. The Corsairs franchise, which was originally called the Southall Block Rockers, was known as the Franktown Silverbacks during the 2005 and 2006 seasons and racked up three scores less than 100 in that time. Since current owner Mojo D took over in 2007, the franchise has registered four more scores in double digits, including the second-lowest score ever of 60.5 points in a loss in 2008 to the Alamo Scouts, who are now known as The Village Green. The Scouts scored the lowest total ever — 48 points — in a loss to the Cambridge Animals in 2009.
The East Nashville Black Dogs and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are the only franchises to have never recorded a score under 100, and the West Nashville Beezlebubbas have failed to hit the century mark only once.
The following is the list of double-digit scores since 2005:
Source: Meemaw Murrman, Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association
QCS isn't the only NFFA personality hanging with the POTUS. Obama loves the '85 Bears, including East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, shown with him above.
By R.E. Porter Associated Web Press
HILLSBORO VILLAGE—In a rambling, quasi-coherent, impromptu press conference this morning prior to his team's game against the Village Green, East Nashville head coach guaranteed the world will not end on Dec. 21, as some say the Mayan calendar prophesied. He also predicted the Black Dogs would become the first team in NFFA history to win back-to-back championships.
"I'm the mother[expletive] Lord of the Rings," declared McMahon, who clinched his eighth-straight non-losing season with a win last weekend. "Three rings in seven years and planning to get a fourth this year. Book it."
When it was pointed out that the Atlanta Smack Daddies also have three championships, McMahon said, "Well, their first title was back in the league's second year, before Lex [Dominica] bought the team and before the league had a playoff format. So, I don't count that one. The Daddies have won two in the last seven years, just like the [Fidalgo Island] Sea Hogs.
"Last time I checked, the Daddies and Hogs are in our rearview mirror this season."
Then the coach abruptly shifted gears and gave a lengthy and surprisingly knowledgeable explanation of why the Maya did not predict the world would come to an end in December. "The Maya didn't suffer from ADD like all you clowns — they thought in terms of millennia, not milliseconds.
"What is going to happen on Dec. 21 is the current 5,000-year Long Count will come to an end, but the next Long Count will immediately begin," the coach explained. "Some New Age nut job stirred up all this nonsense back in the '90s — I think his name was Jose Guillen."
At that point, McMahon said he had to get ready for the game. Departing, he said, "Nos mosin manuVillageViridiangustarepulsam."
Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly (right), Snoop Lion and Taylor Swift were all seen at the Treehouse Lounge in the wee morning hours following President Obama's reelection.
By Faith Popcorn 12th Avenue Bakers
Director of Public Relations
NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif is refusing to answer questions from law enforcement agencies following alleged activities in the private Treehouse Lounge on his property in the hours immediately following president Barack Obama's re-election Tuesday night.
Sharif hosts an infamous party every four years on the night of the U.S. presidential election. This year's version featured extremely tight security due to death threats, and in Sharif's words "to keep undesirables out — specifically people of faith and those who wear clothes."
As the evening played out, it was announced to a frenzied crowd that the president himself, a long-time friend of Sharif's dating back to their days on the Harvard Law Review, would attend in the early morning hours, win or lose. Word leaked out in the city, and coupled with many 12th Avenue fans who had gathered outside the residence, the scene became one of chaos and celebration. Sharif had earlier predicted an Obama win and had boasted to the press of certain ensuing party activities.
Throughout the night, Sharif moved through the crowd graciously, with a pistol visible in his waistband and his personal physician at his side. Hundreds of bowls of red, white, and blue Obama Bombs — party favors — were available for guests. The sound system churned out Amy Winehouse most of the night in honor of the late singer's Baker ties. Notable guests included Mick Jagger and Nashville stars Hayden Panettiere and Powers Booth.
When questioned about late-night activities planned for the Treehouse, Sharif had stated, "It will be pretty tame compared to 2008. But we are excited that [Fox News anchorwoman] Megyn Kelly is coming. And, it's great that Powers is here. You know he played Jim Jones in the Koolaid flick, so he fits right in. I'm also pretty jacked up about this shipment of magic underwear."
Today, authorities and Fox News want to know the whereabouts of Ms. Kelly and an explanation for the number of "team vehicles" with Colorado plates parked illegally throughout Sharif's neighborhood. Rumors of a salty, amateur production of the smash Broadway musical The Book of Mormon, and sightings of Obama and Sharif with young, purportedly Mormon, men, abound. Sharif noted that Kelly had seemed ecstatic when she left with quarterbacks Robert Griffin III and Cam Newton.
"She was thrilled. Her dress was on backwards, but she looked great! Of course, we waive player curfews for these parties," Sharif said. "God, I remember the night W was reelected — McNair was so pissed, he disappeared with Marsha Blackburn for three days. By the way, she never misses one of these."
President Obama returned to Washington, D.C. Wednesday after lunching with Sharif and Bakers' head coach Snoop Lion at the Cherry Bomb Cafe. The struggling Bakers are 2-7 this season, coming off a narrow win over The Village Green. Obama told reporters that he had installed a trick play with Coach Lion for this weekend's Bakers-Corsairs matchup.
"We're calling it the Commie Reach-Around," the president joked before boarding Air Force One at the Nashville airport.
Meanwhile, local authorities are asking anyone with information regarding Ms. Kelly's whereabouts to contact them. Sharif seemed unconcerned. "We kicked it. She's a big girl ... and those are big boys," he said. "They can all take care of themselves. And, I don't really expect either one of them to play this weekend anyway so as far as I'm concerned — and it's cool with Snoop — they can kiss the sky."
WASHINGTON—The office of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a statement this afternoon declaring her continued allegiance to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, the NFFA franchise she helmed for most of the 2008 season.
The Secretary of State was responding to a News Wire story earlier in the day that quoted Corsairs owner Mojo D as describing Clinton as a Corsairs fan who attended all the home games on the NFFA Corsair last season. The story also claimed the nation's chief diplomat intervened on his behalf with her colleagues at the State Department.
"Let me state unequivocally that I am and always will be a Sea Hogs fan," Clinton said in the official release. "The time I spent working for the franchise is among my fondest memories. After my old friend Dr. Jorge Linardo appointed me to run the team, I fell in love with the franchise and Fidalgo Island. No matter what corner of the planet I might be in, if it's football season, I'll be following the Sea Hogs."
The statement continued: "I have never met Mojo D, nor have I ever been to a Corsairs game, so I have no idea where he got the idea I'm a Corsairs fan," the cabinet secretary said. "But I did intervene in Mojo D's case at the request of his wife, the Pompatus of Love, who is a dear friend of my husband Bill. According to Bill, she wants him 'put away for good,' so after consulting Dr. Linardo, I've asked my staff to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.
"In addition, we were able to confirm that a man using the name Mojo D. Jones is in the U.S. on a diplomatic passport from Iceland, but I can state with certainty that the State Department had nothing to do with arranging the passport in question."
The statement concluded with a direct appeal from Clinton to the Corsairs owner. "I ask Mojo D to surrender himself to the FBI office in Nashvegas at once for questioning," she urged.
Efforts to reach Mojo D were unsuccessful. More on this story as it develops.
Corsairs Coach Sean Payton is enjoying his time away from the NFL
By Soren Bernyn
FSN
After notching another "ugly, ugly win," coach Sean Payton is undefeated against Jorge Division opponents. The 2012 campaign mirrors the Corsairs' 2011 playoff season when they opened with a 4-game sweep through the Jorge.
On a rare Monday off, GM Mojo D gathered the media at Corsair Distillery for a sit-down with team officials and star performers. Asked about the 4-0 start, Payton said: "No one is more surprised than me — I see what this guy (Mojo D) means by "rather be lucky than good any day": we've only cracked a buck-fiddy once, and beat some strong opponents on their off days. But it's a helluva way to spend a year in exile!"
The Corsair Artisan spirits flowed, and Payton shared some of his experience working for the mercurial Mojo D, including a black eye. "Yeah, he loves an old-fashioned fistfight to resolve disagreements — this one was over Leon Washington. He won that one, and I'm glad he did — I think I understand the Leon juju over the Bubbas now. There was no reason on paper for us to win that game, and Leon proved his value by inspiring the team. I suggested some other good luck charms, like my authentic, voodoo mojo hand, but he freaked out and was ranting something about "the monkey curse." But I'm a Leon believer - he may only play in two games this season, but he has a home here..."
And Leon Washington may be a necessary play since the Corsair locker room at the Marathon Metrodome looks like an ER. "Can you name another team that's had its top 3 draft picks on the injury list this early in the season?" Mojo D asked. "Of course you can't, but I'm sure (Commissioner William D.) Money will look it up. Still, here we are with a 2-game lead in the division, so I can't possibly complain. We've been active on the (waiver) wire, so we have some bench moving forward in the season."
The Corsair GM was oddly lucid, despite the steady flow of Corsair experimental, barrel-aged gin. It has been a big change from last year's "season at sea" aboard the luxury NFFA Corsair — necessitated by Mojo D's uncertain status with the U.S. Dept. of State. In the off-season, Corsairs fan Hilary Rodham Clinton intervened on Mojo D's behalf, and he now is back in the states on a diplomatic passport from Iceland. "Hilary didn't miss a home game on the boat — we would even navigate to be closer to her."
As Mojo D's voice trailed off in a misty, watercolor memory, he called for "another round for the ink-stained wretches!" and the week 4 Corsair media salon morphed into a whiskey-soaked "Black & White" jam session with Dan Auerbach and Jack White.
Fidalgo Island scored 200 points for the sixth time in franchise history
despite leaving Jamaal Charles (34 fantasy points) on the pine.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
With 10 of 14 starters in double figures, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs topped 200 points in week three, overwhelming the Cambridge Animals 204 - 122.5, despite leaving running back Jamaal Charles with 34 points and wide receiver Torrey Smith with 24 on the bench.
It was the sixth time in Sea Hogs history the team has scored 200 or more points. Only the East Nashville Black Dogs have done better, with seven entries in the 200-point club. Even if the Hogs had started their optimum lineup, they would have scored only 231 points, still short of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas' NFFA single game scoring record of 233.5 points versus the Atlanta Smack Daddies in 2007.
The 12th Avenue Bakers are the only franchise with the distinction of scoring 200 points and losing, which they did last season in week two, falling to the Sea Hogs 208.5 - 200. Originally known as the Alamo Scouts, The Village Green is the only franchise to have never scored 200 points.
The following is the complete list:
The 200-Point Club 1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies) 2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo) 3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts) 4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts) 5. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs) 6. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs) 7. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts) 8. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts) — East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals) 10. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts) 11. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers) 12. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)— East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Corsairs) 14. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Animals) — Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies) 16. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green) 17. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals) 18. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers) 19. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
Protesters outside the Cherry Bomb Café this morning
were met with chokeholds and Touchdown Tasers.
By Faith Popcorn
PR Director, 12th Ave. Bakers NASHVILLE — In what appeared to be an impaired, rambling defense of the 12th Avenue Bakers 2012 draft, owner QCurl Sharif faced the press and the team's legions of fans on the steps of The Cherry Bomb Café this morning. Sharif stood with head coach Snoop Lion and addressed those who had not only questioned this year's Bakers draft picks, but those fans who were angered over the Nazi-themed warroom in which the those picks were decided. In particular, many in the crowd ridiculed Sharif's allegiance to kicker Rob Bironas. "The video is real, but it should be noted that in accordance with the expansive and balanced laws of the universe, and under the direction of Shiva, it became clear to me during the draft that we had to bring Bironas back into the fold — a fold from which he had been stolen by a mere babe," Sharif said. "What seems to be a minor point to many is, in fact, a deep karmic issue for the Bakers. Those who cannot see, will not see." Amid loud calls for Sharif to excuse himself from future decisions on personnel, Snoop Lion stepped to the owner's defense, reminding the crowd that one game is not the whole season. When a reporter for the AWP pointed out that Bironas and Chris Johnson combined were outscored this past weekend by kicker Matt Bryant, who Sharif had traded to Cambridge as part of a six-player deal, the Lion held up two fingers and spoke to the restless crowd. "Game Two is all that matters," he said. "QCurl and I have no memory. This league is scary fast and the loss was rasta tough — especially considering that we were in it until Peyton blew open the fourth quarter. "But today we're all about taking down The Green," the Lion continued. "We take it in every day, now we're gonna take it down! Hell, Bironas will probably seal the deal! Number One Jah-love!" When questioned about the WWII vintage Nazi uniforms worn during the draft, the German language, and his derision of many people in his inner circle, Sharif brushed the criticism aside. "We like to have fun on that night," Sharif said. "It's serious business, but we like to party. I admit I was pissed off about a couple of things — and when I get with the caviar, I expect others to take the wheel. QCurl can't drive all the time. "This stuff was never meant to be seen," he added. "I've apologized to Faith Popcorn specifically — and thank God she at least had her clothes on when this was shot. The uniforms were meant to capture that 'work hard, play hard, be hard' thing we stress so much around here. You've got to admit those uniforms were cool as shit compared to ours back then. And, I'll be damned if I'm going to be criticized over a draft that landed RG III, Kenny Britt, Roddy White and Antonio Gates, or a trade that brought in Cam, CJ and the Precious — I mean Bironas!" At that moment, a bottle was thrown from the crowd in the direction of Sharif and Lion, triggering a rude boy response from Bakers security and city police. The crowd surged forward as "Buffalo Soldier" blared from The Cherry Bomb's sound system.
As the owner and coach were swept into the club, police and some in the crowd clashed. It was reported that a small percentage of the crowd sported other NFFA colors, particularly those of the Corsairs and the Beelzebubba nations. Some arrests were made, but by all accounts, the scene paled in comparison to the chaos found in the adjoining streets during annual Shiva/Artemis parties, and certainly nothing like the Bacchanal week.
The above video is a behind-the-scenes look inside the 12th Avenue Bakers draft warroom during the 12th round of the 2012 NFFA draft held on Aug. 26. A DVD of the video was left at the offices of the Associated Web Press earlier today. (Click on the icon in the lower right to view the video full screen.)
Chris Johnson, Cam Newton and Tom Brady (L-R) were part of a
blockbuster, six-player trade on the season's first weekend.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
In a move that threatens to alter the power structure in the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association's Jorge division, the 12th Avenue Bakers and the Cambridge Animals have pulled off the largest swap of players in NFFA history — a trade involving six offensive starters.
Shortly after 3 p.m. CST today, deputy commissioner Meemaw Murrman approved the blockbuster trade which sent quarterback Tom Brady, running back Peyton Hillis and placekicker Matt Bryant to the Animals and quarterback Cam Newton, running back Chris Johnson and placekicker Rob Bironas to the Bakers.
The trade would appear to be the final chapter in a strange tale stretching back to the second week of last season in which Cambridge owner Dave the Animal placed a curse on the 1-0 12th Avenue franchise, causing them to lose their week-two matchup despite scoring 200 points. The Bakers' season spiraled downward from there to a 2-12 regular-season finish. The reason DTA put the curse on the Bakes was because he believed they had stolen Brady from him. "I made mother[expletive] Tom Brady," the Cambridge owner, a self-proclaimed fantasy quarterback guru, crowed. "I wasn't about to have Q profit from my genius."
Reached by cell phone, team owner QCurl Sharif was downright giddy about the historic transaction. "We got Cam and CJ and the precious, plus got rid of that goddamn curse, so it's a great day in Baker nation," Sharif enthused. He went on to say he had to cut the call short because he was at 12 South Taproom toasting the team's good fortune with Baker uberfan Bill Cheatham, one of Sharif's strongest supporters and harshest critics.
According to a source close to the trade negotiations, at one point in the process, DTA offered to trade his entire franchise for the Bakers entire franchise, just to "prove his coaching genius," boasting to Bakers coach Snoop Lion and Sharif that he would "take the team with the worst draft in league history to the playoffs."
New Bakers running back Johnson said he was glad to get out of Cambridge. "Man, there's a lot of pressure up there to be gay," he said by cell phone from the training facilities of his new team. "It was too freaky for me, homes." Johnson went on to say he had heard the reason Cambridge wanted the three players in particular was because they are all gay.
Apparently, it was the Cambridge franchise's new front office wunderkind, Wilder the Animal, who finally pulled the trigger on the much-rumored trade early this afternoon. It seems Wilder has succeeded DTA's supercomputer/paramour Nancy as the brains of the team.
The AWP has learned that all six players are expected to be in the starting lineups for their new teams come Sunday.
The NFFA News Wire features news coverage of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association from a variety of sources, including Associated Web Press, Fantasy Sports Network, United Web Press International, The Mainline Dope,and the media departments of the eight NFFA franchises.
