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| The Boca Chica Daddies have cut all ties with Elon Musk. |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
In a media event that veteran sports journalists described as “out there, even by NFFA standards,” Boca Chica Daddies owner Lex Dominica announced that his team was cutting all ties with Elon Musk, effective immediately. Then, in response to the plaintive urgings of employees of Musk’s Space-X complex, Dominica told reporters, “Hang on, I’ll be back” – and returned two hours later to declare himself the founder of an independent republic.
Even before the news conference was called, rumors had been swirling that the Daddies, who moved from Atlanta to Boca Chica Beach in 2020, would sever their relationship with Musk, whose erratic behavior since his takeover of Twitter has alarmed employees and public alike. So few were surprised when Dominica, dressed in one of his trademark velvet leisure suits and a gold sombrero, stepped up to the podium and said, “I’ve decided to make a change. Elon Musk is no longer a part of the Boca Chica Daddies. And vice-versa.”
Flanked by longtime Daddies philanthropic leader and organization outreach leader Algernon “Alge” Crumpler, Dominica explained what had transpired over the past month inside the sleepy coastal village known as Boca Chica, Texas.
“Elon’s foolhardy purchase of Twitter and his bat-shit crazy antics cavorting all over the galaxy gave us no choice but to remove him from our organization,” Dominica continued. “Simply put, anyone dumb enough to spend $44 billion on a social media platform with the first syllable as “twit” and name his new son A-XII, or whatever, is not in sync with the values and traditions of this organization,” he said. “We cannot afford to be associated with someone who takes the title of Chief Twit. It’s bad for our team’s brand and bad for football.
“And besides that, he’s not half as smart as he projects himself to be. He bought the McLaren F1, the fastest car in the world and immediately wrecked it, the owner added, shaking his head. “He wasn’t going to be allowed to do the same thing to the highest scoring and most envied franchise in the history of this league.”
As Dominica began to explain that the Daddies, exercising an option in their original affiliation agreement, would buy out Musk’s share of the team and take full ownership of the stadium and entertainment complex at Boca Chica, Space-X employees who had crowded into the back of the room began calling out, “Help us, Lex! Don’t leave us here with Elon!”
One employee, producing a bullhorn, shouted, “We’re like the guards at the witch’s castle! Take us with you, Dorothy!”
After excusing himself to reporters, Dominica walked to the back of the room and spoke briefly to the employees, who followed him out. When they returned after an absence of nearly two hours, Dominica strode to the podium and said, “We have an update.” Then he announced that the Daddies were effectively annexing Space-X, as well as miles of surrounding land, and proclaimed the territory as the Free Republic of Dominica.
“Together with the employees of Space X,” he said, “Alge and I have determined that it is in the best interest of all parties if we take these companies, this village and the entire stretch from the Ship Channel to the Rio Grande, and from Boca Chica Beach to the Port of Brownsville, and form an independent state. We have engaged citizens, we have port facilities, we have rockets, and we have a can-do attitude, and we will also have two U.S. senators after we gain admission as the 51st state.”
Reporters sat agape at the announcement. “Got-da-amn!” exclaimed Scott Van Pelt on ESPN, which was covering the event on live TV.
But Dominica was not done. After noting that Twitter would be blocked in Dominica and Musk would be arrested if he set foot on the territory, the Daddies owner continued: “I’m also pleased to announce that the Space-X employees have just voted to unionize and have elected Alge as the company’s new CEO and board chair. And in his first act, Alge has shattered the corporate glass ceiling by naming the first all-female C-suite, with the obvious exception of himself, of course.”
The gobsmacked press corps gasped as the hulking Crumpler stood up, ripped open his black and red velour track suit with” Big Daddy” emblazoned on the chest to reveal a colorful, all-encompassing tattoo with the outline of the new territory and the words ‘New World. New Conquests.’ Crumpler flexed his chest pecs to reveal a pulsating Space-X rocket on a launchpad straddled by what appeared to be Boca Chica cheerleaders.
After the crowd had quieted and those who had fainted were revived, the new corporate chief spoke.
“It’s all about love, harmony and beating down those bitches in the NFFA,” said Crumpler, who retains his role with the Daddies along with his new position with Space-X. “We’re gonna build a society that is devoted to the greater good for all. We only use force when necessary or someone requests it. Our goal is to provide those we employ and those who want to work with us a better way of doing things.”
Dominica moved next to Crumpler and simply said: “It’s play-off time,” before concluding in Spanish, “¡Traerlo, perras!” (which translates into English as, “Bring it, bitches!”).
And with that, Dominica and Crumpler left the building and walked out into the bright sunlight that prevailed across the world’s newest republic.
