MONEY TALKS, MONEY WALKS

Midtown Mojo coach Tom Brady (shown here with team GM Miss LeeYhn) was hit by Commissioner Money with multiple suspensions and a hefty fine for his comments while heavily medicated.


MONEY TALKS, MONEY WALKS
Commissioner announces multiple fines

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In a press released delivered to media outlets late this afternoon, NFFA commissioner William D. Money announced a number of high profile fines and suspensions.

Midtown Mojo coach Tom Brady was the commissioner's primary target. Brady was suspended indefinitely as a player, and for three games as coach for "comments detrimental to the league." In addition to the suspensions, Brady was fined $500,000. An unnamed source within the Mojo organization said the team would challenge the three-game suspension as coach, but not the monetary amount.

The commissioner also announced he is fining the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs franchise $8.5 millions dollars — "a million dollars per point" — for an unnamed, three-strikes-you're-out offense.

Surprisingly, the release stated that Money has also fined the West Nashville franchise $10,000 for "excessive use of force" against the Midtown Mojo last weekend.

WOODY BEGINS VIGIL ATOP 12 SOUTH BILLBOARD

Sports columnist and Bakers hater Larry Woody (encircled) maintains his vigil atop this billboard overlooking Sevier Park.


WOODY BEGINS VIGIL ATOP 12 SOUTH BILLBOARD
Sportswriter says he hates Bakers 'guts'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

From a billboard overlooking the corner of Kirkwood Avenue and 12 South, and facing I-440, sports columnist Larry Woody can see Grey Goose stadium, home to the 12th Avenue Bakers. Woody is atop the billboard after promising to remain there until the 5-3 Bakers have a losing record again.

Writing for the Tennesseeya News Services, Woody has eviscerated the Bakers and their popular owner QCurl Sharif in column after column this season, reminding his readers of the Bakers' long history of losing. When asked what he has against the Bakers and their owner, Woody said, "I hate their guts, I hate everything they stand for. QCurl Sharif, and people like him, are the reason we lost in Vietnam. Goddamn, drug-using peaceniks. And dirty, free-love, hippies."

As each week has passed and 12th Avenue's record has improved, Woody's columns have become even more venomous. In one, he wrote: "It will take more than a few wins to eliminate the stench from the stinking carcasses of six-straight losing seasons that foul the air along 12th Avenue."

As a gesture of good will and to demonstrate there are no hard feelings, Sharif had some provisions delivered to the columnist, including a case of Grey Goose, which he accepted, and a Satanists for Obama bumper sticker, which he declined.

So far, Woody's stunt seems only to have fueled further the enthusiasm which has been building all season long in the Bakers nation. Some fans gathered below the billboard, brandishing signs bearing humorous, anti-Woody slogans, such as, "Woody never had one," "Even Woody couldn't beat Biddle," "Woody sucks Mark Martin's exhaust pipe," "Woody spelled backwards = Idiot," and "Woody borada nikto." According to one Bakers fan, East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon had been at the billboard earlier carrying a sign that read, "Woody delenda est."

But Bill Cheatham, a high-profile Bakers fan and longtime critic of Woody who was carrying a sign that said "Larry Woody is a prick," had a less-than-amused take on the columnist's billboard vigil. "I wasn't in Nam, but I was in Cheatham County and I've got a rifle," Cheatham said. "And I can see that billboard from my front porch."

LINARDO DISASSOCIATES NAME FROM ‘SUBTRACTION DIVISION’

Jorge Linardo, shown here consoling the Pompatus of Love at Club Gitmo last night after her team's loss, has asked the commissioner to remove his surname from the NFFA's "weak-sister" division.


LINARDO DISASSOCIATES NAME FROM ‘SUBTRACTION DIVISION’
Calls for swift action by commissioner

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a startling development early Tuesday, NFFA Founder Jorge Linardo called upon NFFA commissioner William D. Money to rechristen the league’s Linardo division.

The demand, issued in an extremely rare press interview in sub-level 11 at Club Gitmo, stemmed from the division’s poor performance this season, Linardo said. “Even Jim McMahon, who is like an illegitimate son to me, has started calling it ‘the Linardo subtraction,’” said the CEO Emeritus of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize. “It is simply unbecoming and a personal affront.”

Dr. Linardo acknowledged that one Linardo division team, the Atlanta Smack Daddies, has at least achieved respectability with a 4-4 record. “With all respect to my good friend Tony Soprano, nobody in that division has been a winner this year. I know it’s been difficult for Tony. When everyone else in your division is floundering, it can create a giant sucking vortex that brings you down.”

Linardo said he is fine with leaving the name of the Jorgé division intact. “They’re all winners, and I’m proud of them,” said El Jefé of the Beelzebubbas, Black Dogs, Bakers and Animals. I think Dave [the Animal] would have a winning record, too, but he’s been off doing the Lord’s work.”

Before calling an end to the 10-minute interview, Linardo said he had already placed a call to Commissioner Money requesting that his name be removed from what he called the “weak-sister” division. Had he suggested any alternatives, a visitor wondered.

“How about the L division?” Dr. Linardo said, forming his thumb and index finger into the shape of that letter. Then, characteristically, he leaned his head back and laughed silently.

Update: Two missing sports reporters, who had not been seen since the Beelzebubbas’ media conference last week, were waiting at the south guard tower as this reporter left Club Gitmo early Tuesday. The pair appeared healthy but shaken, said their “quote-unquote disappearance” had “all been a big misunderstanding,” and refused to answer any further questions on the subject.

HOW THE SCOUTS WILL BEAT THE BAKERS

Scouts LB Keith Bulluck guaranteed a victory
tonight, but didn't specify which team.


HOW THE SCOUTS WILL BEAT THE BAKERS

By Larry Woody, Tennesseeya News Services

Admittedly, I am among the dwindling disbelievers, remaining a staunch skeptic regarding 12th Avenue's alleged transformation into a playoff contender; but being in Nam taught me to be a disbeliever. Believe me, the Alamo Scouts will pull out a victory over the Bakers this evening.

The Scouts have four players (TE Dallas Clark, PK Adam Vinatieri, LB Keith Bulluck, DB Courtland Finnegan) tonight, while the Bakers have two (PK Rob Bironas, DB Chris Carr). Trailing by just over 40 points going into tonight's finale, here's how Thurman Murrman and his miracle boys will do it:

Vinatieri kicks three field goals and one extra point for a total of 10 points.

Clark catches four balls for 50 yards and a touchdown for a total of 11 points.

Bulluck, the self-annointed Mr. Monday Night, will get his usual share of the tackles, let's say eight, plus a sack where he forces and recovers a fumble, then returns it for a touch. That would give him a total of 21 points.

Finnegan has already demonstrated his affinity for the pick six — as has Peyton Manning — and Finnegan will get one tonight for 65 yards. Add in a handful of tackles (4) and another pass defensed for a total of 23 points.

The four players' projected scores total 65 points, which will give the Scouts a final score of 167.5.

For the Bakers, let's say Bironas has a pair of field goals and a pair of PATs for 8 points. And let's project Chris Carr to have 11 points on kickoff returns and 2 points on punt returns for a total of 13. Those additional 21 points would give the Bakers a final score of 164 and their fourth loss.

Read it and weep, Bakers fans. In fact, if the Bakes don't lose, I will climb atop a billboard in the 12 South area and remain there until the Bakers have a losing record; which will make me more of a sitting duck than I was in the latrine at Pleiku.

On a related note, Scouts matriarch Eudora "Meemaw" Murrman, who dubbed the four remaining players The Four Skilleteers, has called for a pre-game, prayer vigil tonight in parking area Q of Grey Goose stadium to pray for a Scouts victory. She requests that all Alamo fans bring their Bibles and their skillets.

BRADY LASHES OUT AT PORTER, MONEY

Mojo Coach Tom Brady in happier times

BRADY LASHES OUT AT PORTER, MONEY

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

From his hospital bed, injured quarterback-turned-Mojo-Coach Tom Brady lambasted NFFA journalists and Commissioner William D. Money in a profanity-laced, drug-addled tirade.

This reporter receieved a call from Brady, who is recovering from his latest surgery at the Planet Mojo compound's infirmary (nicknamed the "Staph Lounge" for its poor hygiene record), where he is on a potent intravenous cocktail of morphine and cow antibiotics. He said his people would pick me up in five minutes; indeed, I was accosted, trussed up like "Tommy" and taken to the secret rear entrance of Planet Mojo.

As soon as I entered the room, Brady ranted "I get my [expletive] knee infected, operated on AGAIN, and when I come to, the first thing I read is that asshole [R.E. Porter, who covers the NFFA for Associated Web Press] dissing my team with an F mid-term grade. There's not even a mention of ME, for Chrissakes — I'm the best [expletive] player in the goddamn league! I got injured the first quarter of the first game of the season — I think that MIGHT have something to do with the team's record! You work with that dickhead? Tell him to watch his candy-ass, 'cause Tom Brady's coming for him."

Brady then turned his fury to the commissioner: "And that little pussy is completely in the pocket of Money, that dangerous [expletive] sociopath — that SOB is keeping him up to his eyeballs in teenage Thai boys and crack, just so the little [expletive] will publish whatever the Commish wants. That bastard is out of control — his team's undefeated, McMahon won't shut up, and Buddy Ryan just keeps on sucking both their dicks."

The morphine must have kicked in then, because he turned mellow talking about his team: "The way the Pompatus has supported me is way [expletive] beyond what an employer would do. Mojo D caught some tough breaks early, but he's shown faith in me and I'm just appreciative that he hasn't treated me like a piece of meat."

At this point, Brady nodded off and then the aforementioned Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, burst in, brandishing an Alamo Scouts souvenir skillet and accompanied by some hulking members of the Mojo's internal security team, led by the Mojo-masked former coach C.O. Jones, who silently pulled the curtain, hustled me out of the room, replaced the "Tommy" device on my head, threw me in the back of a windowless van, and delivered me back to the FSN office after stopping at Provence in the Village to pick up some lunch.

MCMAHON CALLS LINARDO 'LOSER DIVISION'

Following his weekly media conference, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon shared a laugh with one of the national guardsmen
who will accompany his team to Fidalgo Island this weekend.


MCMAHON CALLS LINARDO 'LOSER DIVISION'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Perched on a bar stool at fooBar, holding court Wednesday at his weekly media circus, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon called the NFFA's Linardo circuit, the "loser division."

McMahon's incendiary comment came midway through a freewheeling press conference in which the Black Dogs coach was clearly enjoying his team's record-setting 7-0 start.

"I want to congratulate the Black Dogs," he said in his opening remarks. "I just draw up the plays, they have to make them.

"I also want to congratulate our division rivals — the [12th Avenue] Bakers and [West Nashville] Beelzebubbas — as the only other teams to have a winning record at the halfway mark.

"Which brings me to our sister division, the Linardo division," he said, then paused to take a long drink from his Morning Glory margarita™. "If Jorge was dead, he would be spinning in his grave right now after the division that bears his surname failed to field a single team with a winning record over the first half of the season. That is an NFFA record of another sort.

"But Jorge isn't dead, and I saw him the other night at the Jojo A Go Go, where he told me he is completely disgusted with the Linardo division, except, of course, the [Midtown Mojo's] Pompatus [of Love], who worked for him when she was just out of college. He also said he doesn't take offense that I referred to the division as the Linardo subtraction, which is a point I naturally wanted to clarify with him, if you know what I mean.

"Anyway, I read somewhere we need only four wins to clinch no less than the number three seed in the playoffs, and I immediately gave thanks that our next four games are all against the loser division."

When Joe Biddle asked to clarify that the coach had called the Linardo division the "loser division," McMahon said, "Joe you may need to look into a hearing aid. What other division could I possibly be talking about? The Linardo division is the division that doesn't have a single team with a winning record. It should be obvious, even to someone with your limited intelligence."

Larry Woody of Tennesseeya News Service asked McMahon if he thought the Bakers would make the playoffs. "Of course," the coach said. "Hell, if the Linardo division winner didn't get in automatically, the playoffs would be just a Jorge divisional tournament."

When another scribe asked his thoughts on East Nashville's upcoming game on the Sea Hogs home field, McMahon said, "To Osama Obobber, or whatever his name is these days, I say, 'Para bellum.'" The coach then introduced members of the Tennessee National Guard who will accompany the Black Dogs to Fidalgo Island this weekend.

MIDTERM REPORT CARD

Coach Jim McMahon, who spent Tuesday on an area golf course,
has guided his Black Dogs team to a perfect 7-0 start.

MIDTERM REPORT CARD
Black Dogs ace first-half tests

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

It is the halfway point of the 2008 NFFA season and time once again for the AWP's midterm report card. You know it has been a wacky season so far when the usually snake-bitten 12th Avenue Bakers, who posted a league-worst 2-12 record a year ago, earn a better grade than the defending champions Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

1. East Nashville Black Dogs (7-0) — A+
This is a no-brainer. Under the guidance of coach Jim McMahon, the Black Dogs are not only, as usual, the highest scoring team (154 ppg), and in their customary spot atop the Jorge division, they are the first team ever to make it through the first-half of the NFFA schedule without a blemish on their record. McMahon has had the Dogs on cruise control, defeating their opponents by an average of 35 points and running their NFFA record for consecutive regular-season wins to 14 games. With 11-3 being the best possible record any other team could record, the Dogs need to win only four of their final seven to clinch, at worst, the number three seed in the playoffs.

2. 12th Avenue Bakers (4-3) — B+
This is beyond Cinderella. The Bakers are the league's perennial whipping boys; their owner, lovable, yet ineffective, if not outright incompetent. They have never made the playoffs, never had a winning record, never even had a winning record for a single week prior to 2008. But that was the past six seasons, and this is now. Now, they have the second-highest scoring offense (148 ppg) and have posted the two highest, single-game scores of the season. Now, they are second only to the Black Dogs in the league's power rankings. Now, their owner has the second-highest coaching efficiency for the first half of the season. Now, the Bakes are doing more than their share of the whipping. If the playoffs began today, 12th Avenue would be the number three seed.

3. West Nashville Beelzebubbas (4-3) — B-
The preseason favorite of Music City Sports Book to win their second NFFA championship, the Beelzebubbas have had a disappointing first half. The blame rests largely with owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs, who is at the bottom of the coaching efficiency ratings. The 'Bubbas have been up-and-down, like a coke-barbituate roller coaster, winning their first two games, then losing two, then winning two, then losing again last weekend to the Dogs. In spite of all that, and thanks largely to the extreme mediocrity of the Linardo division (or Linardo subtraction, as McMahon recently called it), West Nashville would be the number four seed if the playoffs began today.

4. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (3-4) — C+
Since the league's beginnings, each champion has followed their title season with one filled with disappointment. Maybe it is that they spend too much time in the off-season partying, or in some cases, in federal detention; or maybe it is some curse on the victors; but whatever it is, the defending champions from Fidalgo Island seem to be continuing the pattern. While Sea Hogs fans have been quick to blame their team's failures on discredited owner Tirik Obobber, the poor play of star quarterback Peyton Manning, combined with a hit-and-miss Krankenstein strategy, have rendered the Hogs offense so inert NBC analyst Keith Olbermann began referring to the team as the Sea Cucumbers, or Sea Cukes, for short. (After week four, Olbermann also named Obobber his worst person in the world.) Still, because they have scored more points than the Atlanta Smack Daddies who have the same record, they would win the Linardo division and be the seeded second if the playoffs began today.

5. Cambridge Animals (3-4) — C+
After a 3-1 start, the Animals fortunes went south when owner Dave the Animal went west to guest star in six episodes of the AMC series, Breaking Bad. Instead, his team broke bad, losing three straight, and now find themselves looking up from the Jorge division cellar. That's the bad news. The good news is the Animals are one of only four teams to have topped 1,000 points in the first half of the season; plus, it turns out that Dave, a self-proclaimed coaching genius, is a coaching genius after all, sitting atop the coaching efficiency ratings for the first half of the season. So, in spite of Dave the Animal's flirtation with cable television stardom, Cambridge is in good shape for the stretch run to the playoffs; that is unless the meth and crack markets take a downturn.

6. Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4) — C
After a disappointing 3-11 campaign in 2007, team owner Lex Dominica has zealously worked the waiver wire, but the results have been mixed, at best. Two of the team's keeper players, Eli Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson, are on the verge of being benched, and general manager Tony Soprano has indicated disciplinary action may be forthcoming for what he described as "disrespecting the Bing." Frankly, the club has never recovered from the loss of tight end Alge Crumpler, the team's spiritual, chemical, and pornographic leader, to free agency after the Smack Daddies championship season in 2006. (It should be noted, that Crumpler now plays for the 12th Avenue Bakers.) Atlanta fans were baffled when Dominica chose not to make Crumpler a keeper player and local sports talk radio has been flooded with calls demanding that the team make a trade for Crumpler. In spite of it all, the Smack Daddies' record is identical to the division-leading Sea Hogs, which leaves them well-positioned for the run to the playoffs.

7. Alamo Scouts (2-5) — C-
The Scouts started 0-4, but two of those losses were narrow, and they all were before Meemaw Murrman, grandmother of team owner Thurman Murrman, and her cast iron skillet became team symbols and inspirations. The Scouts may be the league's lowest-scoring team, but they have the good fortune of being in the Linardo division, where two wins puts you just one game out of first. The Scouts are the second-hottest team in the division and enter the second half of the season with reason for ThurMurr to have high hopes of making the playoffs, instead of just hoping to get high when the playoffs start.

8. Midtown Mojo (2-5) — F and B-
Under the direction of team owner Mojo D, the Mojo began the season like the second coming of the Bakers — the pre-2008 Bakers. After dismissing team mascot Mojo Jojo, and having, by his own admission, a "bad" draft, Mojo D turned the reigns of the team over to the Mojo's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn. After getting schooled by the Black Dogs in her debut, and suffering a half-point loss to the Scouts in her second game, the Pompatus has put together a two-game win streak, even though she has never run a team before. The team has averaged a respectable 140 ppg in her four weeks at the helm and are the hottest team in the division. Therefore, the Mojo get a split grade: Mojo D gets an F; the Pompatus gets a B-.

HOW BAKERS WILL STILL LOSE

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who was prematurely celebrating an expected victory over the Animals at the Gold Rush last night, showed concern when he learned how they may still lose.

HOW BAKERS WILL STILL LOSE
Losing season still on track

By Larry Woody, Tennesseeya News Services

If you think the Bakers’ lead is safe this week, that just tells you one thing: You haven’t been covering the Bakers for very long.

Back when I was humping it with my rifle platoon in Vietnam, and also when I was covering NASCAR, we had a saying: “It ain’t over till it’s over — especially if it’s not over yet.”

Old habits die hard. With the Bakers, that habit is losing. That’s why, in spite of their 172-107 lead after Sunday, it’s way too early to count the Bakers out of the L column for this week.

It could happen all too easily.

How? Like I said, easily.

Let’s say the Bakers’ remaining linebacker Nate Webster gets 10 points — a reasonable prediction. Against the tough New England defense, Michael Pittman could easily lose a couple of fumbles before being pulled from the game. That’s a minus six points right there, giving the Bakers a net gain of four points for the evening.

Now, let’s say Jay Cutler gets 45 for the Cambridge Animals tonight. That’s not even his season high. Randy Moss has receptions for 90 yards and a touchdown and gets 15 points. A walk in the park for Moss. Then you’ve got linebacker Mike Vrabel. Even if he has zero tackles and if the Patriots don’t throw him a TD pass in a goal-line situation, as they often do, all Vrabel has to do is intercept a pass and return it 50 yards to rack up 16 points. Remember, the Bakers’ defensive lineman Terrell Suggs scored 15 points all by himself on a similar play yesterday. And Terrell is fat.

So, without even an extraordinary effort, the Animals gain 76 points and beat the Bakers by 183-176.

Improbable, you say? It was also “improbable” that any NFFA team could start the past three seasons with a combined record of 0-19. You can see it coming. History does not lie. Like Coo Coo Marlin used to say, “Mark it down.”

TIRIK OBOBBER???

Ballswellia, the miracle herb shown growing in India, which regrows severed tissue.

TIRIK OBOBBER???

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Not since The Artist Formally Known As Prince has a public figure attempted such a radical change in his public persona as that announced today by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber, formerly known as Triki Bobber, who before that was known as Tricky Bob.

In a press release issued today, Obobber had this to say: "Effective today I am changing my name to Tirik Obobber. I am a different person than I used to be. I can thank Meemaw Murrman for that. By whacking me over the head with a skillet and clipping my cods, she made a new man out of me; a more gentle man, a more sensitive man, a more compassionate man. For this I am forever grateful to her."

"I have chosen the name Tirik Obobber, as it symbolizes CHANGE, a change we can believe in."

Obobber continued: "I hear that other key figures in the NFFA, namely Boyd X. Biggs, Jim McMahon, Buddy Ryan and Commissioner Willie D. Money (the self-proclaimed "Sopranos"), also had their nads removed recently. I condemn and denounce these nut cuttings. I want everyone to know that I had nothing to do with these despicable acts. I do not know who carried them out, but I am offering a million dollar reward to anyone who can conclusively prove who committed these terrible acts so they can be brought to justice.

"I am pleased to report that my tes-tay-tays are growing back. I have been seeing an Ayurvedic physician in India who has prescribed for me a rare herb that promotes the re-growth of severed tissue. The herb is called Ballswellia. It is working for me. To show my support to "the Sopranos" who unfortunately suffered the same fate as myself a couple of weeks ago, I am sending a year's supply of Ballswellia to each of them free of charge in hopes that they will be able to re-grow their packages as well.

"To my opponent this weekend, Mojo D, I wish him and his team the best of luck."

OUT OF THE FIRE, INTO THE FRYING PAN

A Scouts fan has her photo taken in front of the giant
skillet sculpture which now stands outside The Alamo.


OUT OF THE FIRE, INTO THE FRYING PAN
Scouts fans ready to greet Smack Daddies with noise and cooking Utensils

By Lenny Lopez, Fantasy Sports News

In a move that is creating controversy in some quarters of the NFFA, fans of the Alamo Scouts will be allowed to bring iron skillets inside their stadium, The Alamo, for this weekend’s game against the family rival Atlanta Smack Daddies.

In recent weeks, skillets have become the unofficial symbol of the Scouts following the well-publicized use of one such cast-iron cooking utensil by team matriach Eudora "MeeMaw" Murmann to subdue what she described as “varmints.”

Since then, Scouts fans have shown up outside The Alamo brandishing skillets over their heads. Some have also brought large metal serving spoons and used them to beat their skillets like drums.

For this week’s game — pitting owner Thurmann Murmann against his uncle, Lex Dominica, who is Meemaw's son — the Scouts announced that fans for the first time would be encouraged to bring skillets and spoons inside the stadium to create a cacophony when the Smack Daddies have the ball.

However, some observers have suggested that the new policy violates the NFFA’s ban against weapons inside league venues. “Considering that the skillet became a symbol for the team only after MeeMaw Murmann used it in an act of violence, however righteous that act may have been, I think this is a clear violation of league rules,” said Professor Irwin “Swifty” Lazar of the University of Texas Law School and a recognized expert in sports law.

Reached for comment in his bunker office below the NFFA Tower in Nashvegas, Commissioner William D. Money said that he had personally approved the skillets. “If you can say a skillet is a weapon,” Money said, “then you could say that having my black dogs inside the stadium is a weapon, and no sane person would ever say that. Besides, I didn’t realize we had a ban on weapons. You couldn’t enforce one in Texas in any event. I know for a fact that MeeMurr has a conceal and carry permit.”

In Murmann Plaza outside The Alamo, the Scouts have erected a giant skillet statue, which has quickly become a magnet for fans wishing to snap souvenir photos. Meanwhile, in preparation for this Sunday’s game, the team’s marketing department has prepared two videos to be shown on the stadium JumboTron featuring Duane “The Rock” Johnson. In one, Johnson beats a skillet with a spoon and announces ominously, “Hey Smack Daddies, it’s dinnertime. Come and get your whuppin.’” In the other, Johnson brandishes a skillet and asks, “Can you smell what MeeMurr is cookin?”

MCMAHON LOVES 'WILD DOG' FORMATION

Ronnie Brown is a triple-option threat in
East Nashville's 'Wild Dog' formation.


MCMAHON LOVES 'WILD DOG'
East Nashville coach plans to use it extensively against West Nashville this weekend

By R.E. PORTER, Associated Web Press

At his weekly media circus at fooBar, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon couldn't stop talking about Black Dogs running back Ronnie Brown and the team's new "Wild Dog" formation which features Brown as the quarterback in a variation on the old Single Wing.

"I'm just trying to stay ahead of the defenses in this league," McMahon explained when asked what made him add the "Wild Dog" formation to his playbook. "If you'll recall, I was the original Dr. Krankenstein. Now almost all of the league's teams have followed my example and those who haven't are at the bottom of the standings.

"I'm sure it will only be a few seconds before other teams are trying to duplicate the success we are having with the "Wild Dog," but we spent the entire offseason working on the formation, so it may be next season before our opponents can begin to catch up."

The coach was asked to what extent he planned to use the "Wild Dog" against West Nashville this weekend and he said, "A lot. [Boyd X.] Biggs has never seen anything like this. I'm expecting Ronnie to have a record-setting day.

"If anyone sees Biggs, tell him I've got something for him." When Joe Biddle took the bait and asked what he had for Biggs, McMahon said, "Canes pugnaces."

DAVE THE ANIMAL MAKES CABLE TV DEBUT

Dave the Animal, shown here in a production still from AMC's
Breaking Bad, will appear in six episodes of the series.


DAVE THE ANIMAL MAKES CABLE TV DEBUT
Plays himself in recurring guest role on Emmy-winner ‘Breaking Bad’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal, who also has achieved fame as a meth and crack cocaine kingpin, and as Poet Laureate of the United States, is about to add a new accomplishment to his long resumé/rap sheet. Later this fall, he will appear in a recurring guest-star role on the AMC Network series, Breaking Bad.

The Emmy-winning series revolves around an Albuquerque high-school chemistry teacher who becomes a manufacturer of crystal meth after learning that he has terminal cancer. In his guest appearances, Dave the Animal, portraying himself, arrives in Albuquerque for a semester as Guest Professor of Poetry at the University of New Mexico. According to the story line, Animal discovers that the chemistry teacher’s meth operations threaten to erode the sales from his own operations.

Around the country, the Animals operate drug franchises branded regionally under a variety of names: Crack-in-the-Box, CrackDonald’s, Cracky D’s, Crack Barrel Old Country Shacks, Crystal’s, and the spa resort chain Club Meth. The organization also recently unveiled a new social irresponsibility line of products, Animal’s Own, which contributes all profits to drug unrehabilitation.

Shooting for six episodes featuring Dave the Animal was completed last week, but production will continue throughout October. The first “Animal” episode will air during sweeps month in November. In one of two “teaser” clips released to the media by AMC, Animal is driving an all-terrain Jeep, attempting to run over the series’ star. In the other, he begins a lecture to a college class by reciting a poem that begins “There once was a man from Nantucket.”

It is not known whether the Animal will be featured in any Breaking Bad episodes beyond the initial six now in production.

TWO JOURNALISTS MISSING AFTER BUBBAS PRESS CONFERENCE

Anton Chigurh, the Beelzebubbas director of community relations, has been unavailable for comment regarding the missing reporters.


TWO JOURNALISTS MISSING AFTER BUBBAS PRESS CONFERENCE
Apparently defied Chigurh’s warning against ‘dumb questions’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Two sports correspondents disappeared Tuesday after attending a press conference staged at Club Gitmo by the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

Nothing has been heard from either of the veteran reporters — Joe “Sixpak” Shakur of the NFFA Network and Rollin Weed of the Grundy County Picayune — since they were seen with Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigurh, who conducted the press event.

“We hope that maybe this is all just something harmless, like they got a little over-served in the media hospitality room in sub-basement nine,” said NFFA Network spokesman Doug Wells, who added that the channel had asked NFFA commissioner William D. Money to investigate.

The media had turned out in force for the first of what were promised to be weekly pressers at Club Gitmo, which has become the Beelzebubbas’ unofficial headquarters. Chigurh announced that he would be conducting the question-and-answer session instead of Coach Boyd X. Biggs, who was “busy.”

In a brief opening statement, Chigurh said that the Bubbas’ had “underperformed” in week six against the 12th Avenue Bakers because Biggs and several of the team’s offensive leaders, including Adrian Peterson, Pierre Thomas and Jonathan Stewart, missed the team bus and did not arrive at Grey Goose Stadium until halftime. “Fortunately,” he said, “the big guy downstairs was looking out for us, and by the grace of Lord Beelzebub we prevailed.”

Before taking questions, Chigurh laid out one ground rule. “No dumb questions,” he said.

Shakur, who was first to be recognized, asked if Chigurh could confirm a report that the Beelzebubbas held a pregame team meeting that began at 1 a.m. Sunday and included heavy drinking by Biggs and the players. Shakur also asked if Chigurh could elaborate on the claim that Biggs was too busy to meet with the media, since, he said, he had seen Biggs moments earlier with Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon.

After a long pause, Chigurh replied, “That’s a really dumb question, and dumb questions are out of bounds.” He added that it was impossible that the reporter could have seen the Black Dogs coach. “West Nasty is no country for old McMahon,” said Chigurh with a thin smile.

Weed then asked why Biggs chose to start backup quarterback Kurt Warner over Phillip Rivers, whose 48-point performance went for naught Sunday. “You know,” said Chigurh, “I am disappointed to say that’s another really dumb question.”

A silence fell over the room for almost 10 seconds before Chigurh said, “If there are no further questions, thanks for coming, enjoy another round of drinks on us, and see you again next Tuesday.” Almost as an afterthought, he added that he would be handling the pregame coin toss at West Nashville’s Hell Stadium on Sunday.

Several witnesses claim to have seen the missing reporters walking away with Chigurh and two large, unidentified men as the press conference ended. Late Tuesday night, Chigurh was “busy” and unavailable for comment, said Beelzebubbas’ media coordinator Maryjane Livingood.

EAST SIDE - WEST SIDE STORY

Longtime friends Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon (left) and Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs square off this weekend.


EAST SIDE - WEST SIDE STORY
Black Dogs coach says, 'It's on'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

The first half of the 2008 NFFA season will close with a prime-time, East-West match-up between the teams with the best records: the league-leading and undefeated East Nashville Black Dogs (6-0) and their division rivals, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (4-2), who have the second-best record.

The Black Dogs have won 13 consecutive, regular-season games dating back to the seventh game of last season, a one-point loss to the Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas also knocked off the Dogs in the opening round of last season's playoffs, 183-153.

Reached at Club Gitmo early this morning where he was celebrating his team's win, but mourning the loss of starting quarterback Tony Romo, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon admitted that despite his long friendship with Beelezebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs, this weekend's contest on the West side was "more than a fantasy football game."

Slurring his words, McMahon said, "It's a classic, [expletive] turf war. That [expletive] between Midtown and West Nashville isn't a turf war — it's a [expletive] neighborhood spat. This is East Nasty versus West Nasty, the two best teams in the league. This [expletive] is on."

McMahon paused while someone in the background said something to him, then he continued, "Jorge [Linardo] just reminded me that I am on the West side at this moment and I ought to show some mother-[expletive] respect, so I'll sign off now and resume this train of thought at my weekly gathering of the media tribes Wednesday morning at fooBar, on the East side where free speech is still alive."

When pressed further on the fact that two of the Black Dogs last three losses have been to the Beelzebubbas, McMahon would only say, "That's last season, baby, and therefore, mother-[expletive] ancient history."

MCMAHON: I AM SCARED OF DAVE THE ANIMAL

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon was feeling
good at his weekly media conference.


MCMAHON: I AM SCARED OF DAVE THE ANIMAL

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

At his weekly media circus held at fooBar, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon was near-euphoric and it wasn't because of the Morning Glory margaritas he was consuming. No, McMahon was high on the Black Dogs 5-0 start.

At the beginning of the season, McMahon allegedly confided to West Nashville owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs that he had challenged his team to shatter the record for regular season wins they set last season with a 12-2 mark by having a perfect season in 2008. When asked if he indeed had made such a challenge to his team, McMahon said, jokingly, "I can't recall.

"But what I do remember is that dating back to last season, the Dogs have won 12-straight, regular-season games. And according to Elias Sports Bureau, that is also a new NFFA record and counting. So, yeah, life is good — at least in the East Nasty.

"And actually, life is pretty damn good in the entire Jorge division," he continued. "Every team has a winning record, and overall, the division is 14-6. But unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the Linardo division. Talk about your weak sister. Only one team has a winning record, and their overall division record is a pitiful 6-14.

"It makes me wonder if they should change their name from the Linardo division to the Linardo subtraction?" he deadpanned, which got a few laughs from the members of the media in attendance.

"But seriously, folks, we've got a tough division game against the [Cambridge] Animals this weekend at the Dog House. Three weeks ago, when Dave the Animal took home the Coach of the Week award, QCurl [Sharif] told me it made him 'sick to see the Animal's ugly face' on the NFFA site. I can only imagine Q is so sick of seeing his face by now that he is throwing up because Dave's face has been there every week since then.

"So, let's face it, this will be our toughest test to date. The Animal is some kind of genius and I admit he scares me, and I don't mean his team. I am scared of Dave the Animal as a person. You know, he's some kind of meth kingpin, which makes him a really scary mofo.

"So, after we put the big bite on his team this weekend, I'll definitely be watching my back."

McMahon spent the remainder of the conference drinking margaritas and testing the remaining reporters' knowledge of Latin phrases. He stumped them with Disce aut Discede, which means learn or depart.

MCMAHON HOLDS MID-GAME PRESS CONFERENCE

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon paid a mid-game
visit to the press box at Grey Goose stadium.

MCMAHON HOLDS MID-GAME PRESS CONFERENCE
Black Dogs coach disses feel-good Bakers

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In an unprecedented move, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon left the field at Grey Goose stadium last night, took an elevator to the press box, and held an impromptu, mid-game press conference because, "It makes me feel good to dump on the feel-good story of the year being written by QCurl [Sharif] and the [12th Avenue] Bakers."

McMahon went on to say that it was "nothing personal" against Sharif and that he looks forward to the reopening of the Cherry Bomb Cafe at Thanksgiving. "The feel-good story of the year will be when I finally get another Touchdown Taser™," he said.

When asked if he was declaring victory over the Bakers prematurely, the Black Dogs coach said, "Only if you think Drew Brees is capable of putting up 75 or 80 points against Minny Monday tonight."

After pointing out that the Dogs would have at least a two-game lead on the rest of the NFFA after this weekend, McMahon returned to the sidelines.

MCMAHON TO QCURL: 'SAYING AIN'T DOING'

This Midtown fan expressed his sentiments about the
Mojo's 0-4 start during their loss to East Nashville.


MCMAHON TO QCURL: 'SAYING AIN'T DOING'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon was relaxing with a Morning Glory margarita at fooBar when his cell phone rang late Thursday afternoon. The caller wondered if McMahon had any response to 12th Avenue owner QCurl Sharif's prediction earlier that day that the 3-1 Bakers would put a "royal beating" on McMahon's 4-0 Black Dogs this weekend at Grey Goose stadium.

After being assured Sharif had actually made that prediction, McMahon said, "Well, I've got a message for QCurl: 'Saying ain't doing.' Talk to me after you do it."

McMahon went on to point out: "The Bakes have three wins, but two of them are against the winless Scouts and Mojos, and they haven't even played anyone over .500, so now we'll see how they handle a good team.

"But speaking of the Mojo, that reminds me," the coach continued after ordering another margarita, "I heard Midtown was like a ghost town after the game Monday night. I heard some Midtown residents were calling the team the Ghost Town Mojo. And did you notice that some of their fans at the game were wearing paper bags over their heads with the words Midtown NoNos written on them? I left a message for the Pompatus of Love offering my condolences, but she hasn't hit me back yet."

On a related note, Mojo D left his sensory deprivation chamber this afternoon long enough to send an email obtained by the AWP in which he predicted "the Mojo will run the table in the division." When McMahon learned of this claim, he said, "More likely, the Mojo will leave the table and run to the bathroom."

CHERRY BOMB TO RE-OPEN DURING BACCHANAL

Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg, shown here with Taylor Swift, is one of several
acts confirmed to perform at the Cherry Bomb Cafe after the game.

CHERRY BOMB TO RE-OPEN DURING BACCHANAL
Sharif confirms plan in rambling conference

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers' PR Director

NASHVILLE— QCurl Sharif, owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, announced Thursday at an often-confusing lunchtime press conference that he would be re-opening the fabled Cherry Bomb Cafe at a new undisclosed location in the neighborhood.

Mayor Karl Dean, Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg and singer Amy Winehouse attended the conference held today at the small sister club QBar on West End.

"This has been a tragically beautiful season so far for us," said Sharif. Though claiming to be clean and sober for the past four weeks, Sharif seemed out of touch with his surroundings at times. "We are rolling, and with a royal beating of the Black Dogs this weekend, we can keep aiming toward the playoffs.

"With the wave of enthusiasm we are now riding, I wanted to let the Baker Nation know that we plan on re-opening the Cherry Bomb on Thanksgiving weekend to coincide with the Bacchanal. This night promises to be a throwdown of unparalleled proportion. Is Mommy here?"

After rocking his head backward and staring at the ceiling for several moments, Sharif was helped back to his seat by Snoop and Winehouse. The coach/rapper then addressed the audience and revealed that new plans for the club included a basement studio where he would be producing and recording an "incendiary" country record with Winehouse in December.

"This bitch will be off the chain," Dogg said. "The Curl is giving me the total green light and I promise to deliver. Now before all you hillbillies start writing about how distracting this will be — I'll just say that I just whip these bad boys up and turn em loose on Sundays ... ain't no big thing."

After a few cursory remarks by Mayor Dean, Sharif again took the podium explaining the need for security regarding the exact location of the club, and then declared war on the league. "We got no shame. I'll kick all that ass. Eat me," he said. One unnamed reporter in attendance immediately asked "Is that urine on your slacks?" and was hustled from the bar.

Sharif revealed later that the stain was not urine but had to do with a Winehouse incident on the way to the conference.

"She's a hot mess," he shouted at the departing gaggle of reporters. "And that mess has a hit in it!"