‘FOUR FAMILIES’ RALLY BEHIND 'BUBBAS

This young Bakers fan showed his support for the Beelzebubbas
against the hated Sea Hogs yesterday at Richland Park.


‘FOUR FAMILIES’ RALLY BEHIND 'BUBBAS
Nashville Teams Stand United Against ‘Hated Sea Hags’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

At an unprecedented rally today at West Nashville’s Richland Park, representatives of the city's four NFFA teams announced their support for the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in this weekend’s championship game against the hated Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Billed as a “unity summit,” officials from “the Four Families” — as the teams are sometimes informally described in Nashville — said they were seeking to rally East Nashville, Midtown and 12th Avenue fans around their city’s representative in the title shootout.

Though none of the team owners were present (Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs was en route to Nashville from Pakistan, but addressed the crowd of 10,000 via satellite), the rally did feature Mo and Cash Money, daughters of NFFA Commissioner and Black Dogs owner William D. Money, who has not been seen in public in two months. GQ Denney confidante Furious George represented the Baker Nation, while Midtown mascot Mojo Jojo was there for the Mojo, who were upset by the Sea Hogs in one of last weekend’s semifinal games.

Jojo warmed up the crowd, who braved near-freezing temperatures, with an unplugged version of “Happiness Is a Warm Gun,” before launching into a furious tirade against the Sea Hogs — which he continually referred to as the “Sea Hags” — and their “criminally insane owner and Axis of Evil member, Kim Jong Il.” Shortly after Jojo’s remarks, which at times became almost incoherent fulminations, reporters noticed fans wearing “Beat the Sea Hags” T-shirts.

The Money sisters, reminding the crowd that they had been forced into sex slavery by Sea Hogs’ owner Triki Bobber, urged the Beelzebubbas and their fans to “take no prisoners” on Sunday. “Terminate with extreme prejudice,” Cash Money shouted as she left the stage, leading the crowd in a cheer of "Death to Triki Bobber."

For his part, Furious George calmly said that the Beelzebubbas “carried the hopes and dreams of all Nashvillians against the foreign enemy.” He also announced that he had begun a talent search for a new rock band, which will be called “The Hated Sea Hogs,” that will be the first act to play at the rebuilt Cherry Bomb Café when it reopens.

Biggs, speaking via a sometimes tenuous satellite hookup, was visibly moved by the show of support. “Even though Mojo D and I have exchanged occasional gunshots in the past, I love you all,” said Biggs. “I know that, if the situation were reversed, the Bubbas would be 100 percent behind our brothers the Black Dogs, the Bakers and the Mojo. We want to win for you the way Jorgé would have won, if you know what I mean” — a remark that drew thunderous cheers from the crowd — “and we aim to make Nashville proud this weekend.”

JORGE SPEAKS!

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon dropped a bomb at his weekly press
conference when he produced a letter from Jorge Linardo. (AWP/FILE)


JORGE SPEAKS!
McMahon reveals Linardo letter blasting Mojo owner

By R. E. Porter, Associated Web Press

East Nashville Coach Jim McMahon may be known for bombast, but the bombshell he dropped this week was huge, even by his own 20-kiloton standards.

At his weekly press conference Tuesday morning at Foobar, McMahon distributed copies of a letter purported to be from Jorge Linardo, the former GM of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, who vanished and was presumed dead after the Indonesian tsunami of 2004.

McMahon addressed the media following a brief statement from Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan, who blamed his team’s 183-153 semifinals loss to the Beelzebubbas on “sinister forces” that affected the play of QB Tony Romo. "I'm pretty certain that Simpson bitch works for [Triki] Bobber," Ryan said. McMahon refused to answer any questions about that game, saying that he wanted “to focus 133%” on the upcoming third-place contest with the Midtown Mojo.

“And on that note,” McMahon added, “let me clarify a claim that our opponent has been making that he was the fair-haired son that old man Linardo never had.” Then he produced the Linardo letter, which, he said, dated from late 1990. The 5-page handwritten note, addressed to Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs, included Linardo’s recollections about his sports media business and the early days of the NFFA.

The letter was heavily redacted with black marks — “because of homeland security concerns,” McMahon explained. But one paragraph on page two was highlighted in yellow. In it, Linardo describes Midtown owner Mojo D as a “young tag-along wannabe punk-ass bitch who reminds me of Vanilla Ice” and who had begged Linardo to allow him to serve as his apprentice. The letter went on to state that Linardo had disassociated himself from Mojo D, whom he described as “unstable” and “lacking a moral compass.”

McMahon said that Biggs had given him the letter for safekeeping before departing on his infamous “Taliban Safari” in Waziristan. McMahon had decided to make the letter’s contents public, he said, because “this [expetive] charade has gone on long enough. You know that little-kid villain in The Incredibles who turns evil and crazy because Mr. Incredible won’t let him be a superhero helper? That’s Mojo D.

“And, now, if you’ll excuse me,” McMahon said, ending the press conference abruptly, “I have a tray of morning margaritas to finish.”

Handwriting experts retained by AWP have already begun analyzing the letter for authenticity, but their report will not be ready until after New Year’s Day at the earliest. Beelzebubbas spokesman Wiley Peyote, however, said that the handwriting and signature appeared to be “authentically Jorge.”

“It’s like hearing our leader speak from the land beyond,” Peyote said.

However, Linardo’s surviving son, Pico “Skip” Linardo, noted that his father often changed his handwriting style “to confuse terrorists, including terrorists inside the US government.” The younger Linardo said he could not be certain that the writing was Jorge’s.

Boyd X. Biggs, who remained in Pakistan through the weekend as his team won under the direction of Interim Player/Coach Andre Johnson, was not immediately available for comment on this story.