Midterm grades 7-0 CORSAIRS HALFWAY TO HISTORY

Corsairs quarterback Andrew Luck (left) and Black Dogs defensive end J.J. Watt are the AWP's first-half offensive and defensive MVPs respectively.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

It's time again to hand out midterm marks for all the NFFA franchises, as well as the first-half superlatives. In many ways, it has been an unusual season so far. One team is undefeated, while four teams have won only two of their seven games — but the 12th Avenue Bakers aren't one of them.

First, here are the halfway honors:

Offensive MVP — QB Andrew Luck, Downtown Corsairs: The league’s leading scorer by almost 50 points, Luck already has 19 touchdown passes — only four short of the total of 23 he posted in each of his first two seasons. Without question, he is the surprise of the first half, surpassing older, more-celebrated signal callers.

Defensive MVP — DL J.J. Watt, East Nashville Black Dogs: Since Watt joined the Black Dogs in week four as part of a blockbuster trade with the 12th Avenue Bakers, the Dogs have been on a tear, scoring more than 182 points per game thanks in no small part to the addition of Watt’s 13.2 points per game. Watt has not only outscored all defensive players by double digits, he has outscored all but five running backs and all but five wide receivers, and is in the Top 50 among all scorers.

Top Coach — Ray Ray Lewis, Downtown Corsairs: Ray Ray has the Corsairs halfway to a perfect regular season, something accomplished only once in league history during the 2008 Black Dogs’ perfect 16-0 championship season. With the team’s 7-0 start, Ray Ray runs his regular-season record as head coach of the Corsairs to 16-5.

Top Exec — Buddy Ryan, East Nashville Black Dogs: The East Nashville GM gets the nod here on the strength of two big trades he negotiated. Prior to the draft, he traded RB DeMarco Murray to the West Nashville Beelzebubbas for their first round pick, number three overall, which enabled the Dogs to leapfrog the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and draft their franchise quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Then after week three’s games, he negotiated the six-player trade with the Bakers that brought J.J. Watt to the team.

The following are the team's midterm grades. The key players rankings in parenthesis are the players' points rankings at their position.

A+ Downtown Corsairs (7-0): At the halfway mark, the Downtown Corsairs have a perfect 7-0 record and a two-game lead on their closest competitor for the number one overall playoff seed. In addition, they have a five-game lead in the Linardo division battle with only seven games to play. The Corsairs' win streak has been fueled by the league's most potent offense that averages 178.9 points per game. But they've also been lucky — having had the fewest points scored against them, 136.3 points per game.
Key players: QB Andrew Luck, 324.4 pts. (1); RB Le'Veon Bell, 107.8 pts. (3); WR DeMaryius Thomas 104.2 pts. (4)

A- East Nashville Black Dogs (5-2): East Nashville sits atop the Jorge division, but the race is tight, with 12th Avenue and West Nashville one game back of the Black Dogs. The Dogs kicked it into gear in week four after acquiring the league's top defender, J.J. Watt. In addition to Watt, Dogs WR Antonio Brown and DB Prince Amukamara are the leading scorers at their positions.

Key players: QB Aaron Rodgers, 281.5 pts. (4); RB Matt Forte, 117.4 pts. (2), WR Antonio Brown 123.3 pts. (1); TE Antonio Gates, 78.3 pts. (3); DL: J.J. Watt, 92.4 pts. (1); DB Prince Amukamara 75.6 pts. (1)

B 12th Avenue Bakers (4-3): With Peyton He Hate Me leading their offense, the Bakers have their best chance ever for a championship. One game behind the Black Dogs in the Jorge division race, and tied with the Beelzebubbas, the Bakes have wins over both which gives them an edge in terms of the head-to-head tiebreakers.

Key players: QB Peyton He Hate Me, 292 pts. (3); PK Stephen Gostkowski, 73 pts. (1)

B- West Nashville Beelzebubbas (4-3): The Beelzebubbas are only one game back in the Jorge division, but have lost to both their primary competitors, the Black Dogs and Bakers. The team’s predraft trade for DeMarco Murray has paid off in a huge way, as Murray has emerged as the league’s top back, averaging nearly 20 points per game. What has hurt the ‘Bubbas is the quarterback play of Drew Brees, who is averaging 12 fewer points per game than he did in 2013.

Key players: RB DeMarco Murray 139.2 pts. (1); LB Luke Kuechly 75.7 pts. (1)

C- Cambridge Animals (2-5): The Animals knocked off their bitter rivals from 12th Avenue to close out the first half, and there are indications that DTA’s awesome awesomeness is kicking in for a second-half run for the playoffs. DTA’s beloved Tom Brady is beginning to look like the quarterback who won multiple Super Bowls. Combine that with the league’s top stable of running backs led by Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster, and the Animals are looking dangerous. They are only two back in the wild-card race with seven games to go, and appear to have the best chance to make the playoffs among the four 2-5 teams.

Key players: RB Arian Foster, 105 pts. (4); WR Devin Hester, 103.6 pts. (5); LB DeAndre Levy, 72.3 pts. (2)

C- Atlanta Smack Daddies (2-5): The defending champions have been snakebitten so far, with two of their losses by single-digit margins; which may not be surprising when you consider no champion has ever been able to repeat. One of their problems is they have had the third most points scored against them. Another is they are weak at running back — they don’t have a single back ranked in the Top 10 in scoring at the position. Still, like the Animals, the Smack Daddies are only two back in the race for the two wild-card berths.

Key players: WR Randall Cobb, 104.7 (3); TE Julius Thomas, 84.4 pts. (1); LB Levonte David, 65 pts. (5)

D+ Village Green (2-5): The Green are not only underperforming, they are a team in turmoil. They fired their star coach Stuart Smalley (23-23) and replaced him with a reanimated John Wayne (1-2). Holy shades of the Bakers! Now if all that weren’t enough, owner Dave Goodrow pulled a Bob Irsay last week and moved the team to Ames, Iowa in the middle of the night. Despite having the second-highest scorer in the league in Philip Rivers and a stud running back in Marshawn Lynch, The Green have the second-lowest point total for the first seven games. Even though they are only two games behind in the wild-card chase, it's hard to imagine The Green turning their season around.

Key players: Philip Rivers, 294.3 pts. (2); Marshawn Lynch, 92.5 pts. (5)

D+ Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs: How far the mighty have fallen. The Sea Hogs are used to being one of the NFFA's elite teams, but now without QB Peyton Manning for the first time in a decade, the Hogs are on the bottom looking up. But quarterback isn't really the problem. They would have the same record even if they still had Peyton. They have scored the fewest points, more than 300 points less than the high-flying Corsairs. They've also had the second most points scored against them. Even though they are only two games back for a wild-card spot, owner Tirik Obobber needs a miracle to get the Hogs back to the playoffs.

Key players: WR Jordy Nelson, 107.2 pts. (2); DB Leodis McKelvin 72.6 pts. (3); DB Harrison Smith 71.6 pts. (4)

GREEN LEAVE THE VILLAGE FOR IOWA

A convoy of trucks bearing the worldly possessions of the ex-Village Green drives to the team's new prairie home.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

Despite the Village Green's close victory over the Atlanta Smack Daddies in week seven, the team unexpectedly and quietly slipped out of Nashville under cover of darkness Monday night, much like the Colts leaving Baltimore in 1984. There were only scattered, tepid celebrations in the Village after their surprise victory, and even the Goodrow-A-Go-Go was subdued. Goodrow himself was hanging out at the back bar, and was overheard muttering "f*cking ingrates..."


Early Tuesday, a convoy of plain moving vans was spotted heading north on state highway 163 in Iowa - there were no visible markings on the trucks, but one driver was seen at a truck stop wearing the signature Village Green meggings.

The Green offices were empty, and owner Dave Goodridge was not available for comment, but it is reported that the team has established a new home near Ames, Iowa, USA. An unnamed source close to the team theorized that new Green Coach John Wayne beckoned Goodrow in his dreams to "build it, and he will come. The late victory sealed Goodrow's decision to follow his dream."

The team's unofficial home, the Goodrow-A-Go-Go (a gift to Goodrow from Dr. Jorge Linardo) was shuttered and dark, with a hand-written, blood-stained "condemned" sign on the door. But a hostess who identified herself as "Heaven Lee" stated on the phone that the "cash drawer is empty, the vault is empty, and all the drugs and liquor are gone."

More on this breaking story as it develops, but for now, it appears that the NFFA has now reached into the prairie heart of Amurrica.

GHOST OF BIRONAS REFUTES SHARIF'S CLAIMS IN PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif (right) and late coach Rob Bironas (left) in happier times.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a shocking development certain to dampen the sky-high spirits in Bakerville, the AWP has received from a source who wishes to remain anonymous a copy of a chat between Saddam and the ghost of Rob Bironas that took place in Saddam's Chat Room at Club Gitmo last night during Monday Night Football. In the chat transcript, the ghost of Bironas refutes claims made by his former boss, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, during his recent interview with Playboy. The following is the portion of the chat addressing Sharif's claims.

Saddam: Welcome back to my chatroom, biotches.
Oct 13 2014, 8:23 PM
GhostOfBironas: Whassup, Saddam?
Oct 13 2014, 8:30 PM
GhostOfBironas: I just saw QCurl's interview with Playboy. I think it is important for everyone to note he mentioned Mushroom Mates. In other words, he was tripping when he sold that pile of Bull Pate´ to Playboy.
Oct 13 2014, 8:40 PM
GhostOfBironas: First of all, Faith and I never had a thing. Secondly, J.J. Watt was known as "J.J. Watt, M.D." in the locker room. No, he's not a "Medical Doctor," but he does have a "Mule Dick."
Oct 13 2014, 8:46 PM
GhostOfBironas: And I never signed off on that trade. That trade only looked good to someone on the other side of a crack pipe.
Oct 13 2014, 8:51 PM
GhostOfBironas: The main reason QCurl wanted to get rid of J.J. was he couldn't stand seeing J.J. outscore his offensive players week after week.
Oct 13 2014, 8:51 PM
Saddam: Welcome, Rob. MosDed sez he had talked to you and that you might stop by.
Oct 13 2014, 8:52 PM
GhostOfBironas: That's right, Saddam.
Oct 13 2014, 8:53 PM
Saddam: Do you mean to say that Sharif was less than truthful about Faith? And other things?
Oct 13 2014, 8:53 PM
Saddam: You know, Faith and I really hit it off.
Oct 13 2014, 8:53 PM
GhostOfBironas: Well, the truth is shifting sand in QCurl's world, Saddam.
Oct 13 2014, 8:54 PM
Saddam: I think I saw the guy who killed you
Oct 13 2014, 8:54 PM
GhostOfBironas: Was it Snoop Dogg?
Oct 13 2014, 8:55 PM
Saddam: I don't know. When you were over here that night putting down a bet, I watched you leave on the security cam
Oct 13 2014, 8:55 PM
Saddam: There was a white Escalade following you.
Oct 13 2014, 8:55 PM
GhostOfBironas: Ray Ray.
Oct 13 2014, 8:55 PM
Saddam: I noticed vanity plates on it that said "Ray Ray." Ring a bell?
Oct 13 2014, 8:55 PM
Saddam: Who's Ray Ray?
Oct 13 2014, 8:56 PM
GhostOfBironas: My former teammate, Ray Lewis.
Oct 13 2014, 8:56 PM
Saddam: You mean the coach of the Coarse Hairs?
Oct 13 2014, 8:56 PM
GhostOfBironas: The one and same.
Oct 13 2014, 8:56 PM
Saddam: Da-amn
Oct 13 2014, 8:57 PM
Saddam : We don't serve that kind of Haterade over here
Oct 13 2014, 8:57 PM
GhostOfBironas: I heard he wanted to come back as coach of the Bakers.
Oct 13 2014, 8:57 PM
GhostOfBironas: So he needed to get me out of the way.
Oct 13 2014, 8:58 PM
GhostOfBironas: I wasn't telling those Belmont students that night I was going to kill them. I was telling them someone was trying to kill me.
Oct 13 2014, 8:58 PM
Saddam: I'm surprised Sharif didn't keep you on. Being dead is not a big obstacle in this league.
Oct 13 2014, 8:58 PM
Saddam: I fear that Sharif is a necrophobe.
Oct 13 2014, 8:59 PM
GhostOfBironas: LOL.
Oct 13 2014, 8:59 PM
Saddam: You might latch on with the Village Green if John Wayne doesn't work out.
Oct 13 2014, 9:00 PM
GhostOfBironas: I'm thinking about taking a job as an analyst.
Oct 13 2014, 9:01 PM
Saddam: You could make a killing off that with the networks' per diem. Since you no longer have to eat, you can pocket an extra $200 a day.
Oct 13 2014, 9:03 PM
GhostOfBironas: I also am considering reaching out to DTA. I figure that would tweak QCurl.
Oct 13 2014, 9:03 PM
GhostOfBironas: I was an Animal for a few weeks. You probably didn't know that.
Oct 13 2014, 9:03 PM
Saddam: You're not gay, are you?
Oct 13 2014, 9:03 PM
GhostOfBironas: No, but I can pass.
Oct 13 2014, 9:04 PM
Saddam: DTA has the most finely tuned Gaydar in the league.
Oct 13 2014, 9:05 PM
GhostOfBironas: It wouldn't matter. He would want to tweak Q.
Oct 13 2014, 9:06 PM
GhostOfBironas: McMahon offered me a spot on his staff if another head coaching job doesn't work out.
Oct 13 2014, 9:11 PM
Saddam: You should ask Playboy for an opportunity to respond
Oct 13 2014, 9:13 PM
GhostOfBironas: I may do that.

Neither Sharif, nor the ghost of Bironas was available for comment at publication. When reached at Club Gitmo, Saddam said, "Where did you get the idea Saddam has a chat room?"

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: QCURL SHARIF

A still-grieving 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif during a recent visit to the gravesite of the team's former head coach and kicker Rob Bironas.

By Anson Mount
Playboy, Oct. 5, 2014

In 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif's first interview since the tragic death of coach Rob Bironas, and following the volatile hours after the trading of franchise favorite J.J. Watt, Anson Mount of Playboy magazine sat down in the starcrossed tastemaker's home and talked about those recent events, and his childhood, part of which was spent on the streets of New Dehli . Sharif is a founding owner of the NFFA, business magnate, investor, confidante to the president, philanthropist, convicted felon, and in perpetual recovery. The shedding of his Russian partnership, in favor of a new, controversial tryst with Petro Poroshenko, the Chocolate King, and president of the Ukraine, has led to charges of corruption and even cheating, all of which Sharif denies.

PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: [silence]

PLAYBOY: I can't help but notice that we're listening to Willie Nelson. He's a friend of the Bakers, is he not?
SHARIF: Snoop and Willie have recorded at the Tree House, so yes. The Bakers have a lot of friends. Of course, I think Willie is a true original just like this franchise. We don't have the rings, but by God, no one likes to walk into Bakerland on Sundays. And, now in light of this latest event, I have to hope that this will be the year — we have added motivation.

PLAYBOY: How did you first find out about Rob Bironas's death?
SHARIF: I received a phone call from Snoop. He was crying. It was hard for me to understand at first, and then the bottom fell out for me. The floor gave way beneath me, and I realized a bedrock personality of this franchise had fallen. I mean, Jesus, I hadn't even been back that long from a really heavy scene with Faith, and then ... then this. At least, it appears he was having a little fun with people before he went out. Kidding with some college students, that sort of thing. And, as it appears he had been at the Cherry Bomb that night, at least for part of it, I think it fitting that we've named a new signature drink in his honor — the Number Two. Kind of has a ring, don't you think? Snoop came up with the idea. I've tried to talk to Faith since this went down, but apparently the doctors in Ukraine prefer to keep her pretty heavily sedated. I don't think she really knows about him, yet. We're hoping to bring her home soon, though, so that will make things seem a little more normal around here. We'll tell her then. I think she had a thing with him back in the day.

PLAYBOY: There are those who think the tragedy had an effect on you leading up the Bakers' game with the Corsairs. A game you lost convincingly. How do you answer that?
SHARIF: People have talked about me in this league for years. They're obsessed with me. Analyzing everything about me. Did QCurl drop acid with Obama? Did QCurl have Steve McNair killed? Did QCurl sleep with Mr. TD? Did QCurl lose his mind when he traded away J.J. Watt? The answers are yes, no, yes, no. J.J.'s a great player, but he's always played for a losing team here. I had to make the hard decision that he has been part of the problem. You have to titrate properly, but with the correct and measured balance of Mushroom Mate in the bloodstream, all things become clear. And, this became clear to me — and Bironas gave me his blessing — that J.J. was a cancer on the team. He has known nothing but the bottom here. And, I know he won't bite me. I've seen the so-called 'Mr. Perfect' naked, and he is not perfect — if you know what I mean. If he comes back on us, certain facts about him could emerge. Meanwhile, I wish him well. I hope he beats others for the Black Dogs. I may have overrated Cousins — I mean we want to unload Peyton ultimately — and my disdain for the Corsairs is well known and may have clouded my judgment there, but J.J. was on his way out. Playing out his contract and being a part of the problem here had sealed his fate. Bironas and Snoop thought he might be Aryan or something. Maybe a white witch. We may have had some laughs and partied a few times, but between the lines, the guy hurts his team. McMahon will know what I mean at the end of the season. And, C.J.'s not that secure, himself. I mean, J.J., C.J., this shit's got to be gone. I'm starting to look for some good Muslim players. What about that Sanu guy in Cincy? Is he Muslim?

PLAYBOY: Some might find those last remarks a little offensive.
SHARIF:  We need offense. And, right now it looks like the Muslim players want it more.

PLAYBOY: Would you care to tell us how you wound up in bed with Petro Poroshenko?
SHARIF: Nude, and under the influence. I had been invited to Ukraine to speak at a fundraiser there — raising money for a school for mail-order brides, or something. And, the next thing I knew, Faith and I were in the raw running down a hallway in what appeared to be a Soviet-era Holiday Inn or something like it. I was tripping on the pattern in the rug while we were running, and Faith was checking doors with no luck, until we came to the end of the hallway and we entered an opulent room which held a chocolate-covered orgy. Dripping gold chandeliers — the works! I remember, vaguely, seeing some big guy on top of her — kind of a Rosemary's Baby thing — and then I woke up the next morning in bed with Big Chocky — I literally found myself in bed with him. Faith had disappeared. Our traveling companion had disappeared. Then, Petro told me of the heartless Mother Russia. Of Putin's thievery. Of how they were mocking me in Europe. He offered me a way out. He asked me to stay and fight, and in return, he would save the Bakers. We haven't looked back since that morning. Actually, I did look back once, literally, from my tank and I saw Faith flying through the air, blown from her vehicle. Her beautiful hair seemed on fire. She's a redhead, but this was different. And, I thought I saw a smaller figure, a primate, running into the woods from the burning vehicle. Later, Petro assured me that she was alive, and under excellent care. I can't wait to see her. To tell her how wrong I've been. You know, it's funny, but she always hated J.J. Watt. She hadn't wanted me to draft him in the first place. Later, I heard secondhand that she had been victimized by him. Something to do with an insecurity he had with his body, and that he had gotten rough with her after a failure to achieve. Now, I don't know this for a fact, and it had nothing to do with the Bakers letting him go, but it has become clear to me that he has no place with us. We're moving to a new beat. To a new future.

PLAYBOY: You've never spoken much about the early years. I've heard you were raised in an orphanage. Others have said you led an early life of secret privilege. Do you think your past points to your future? To the future of the Bakers?
SHARIF: I don't prefer to dwell on the past, but I was raised in an orphanage. I've always been open about it. I was brought up by nuns in the heart of New Dehli. The Hindi respect the selflessness of certain Christian sects. I remember receiving a daily bath from Sister Echo. She was young and full of herself, and infused within me a bounteous joy. I learned to be hopeful, and to look to a brighter day. I learned to worship the female form. I became obsessed with anything that had breasts. I studied the mythology of the great cultures. Ultimately, after many perfumed nights, I became a follower of Artemis. There were festivals in which Sister Echo and I painted one another with bright and colorful plant dyes and ran through the streets of New Dehli. I thought it strange that she would harass the poor. But, she told me to remove myself from losers and walk in the light of sex. I was 13 years old, maybe 14, when she introduced me to the Animal. He, too, had been raised there, in the same orphanage, but removed from me, and he had also been pampered. But there was one glaring difference. He had been raised by monks.

PLAYBOY: You mean Dave the Animal — of Cambridge?
SHARIF: I'm sorry. You must have heard me wrong.

PLAYBOY: Not at all, I heard you quite plainly.
SHARIF: I think you need to leave now.

PLAYBOY: You did say Dave the Animal.
SHARIF: You're no longer welcome here. If you don't leave, I'll have you removed.

PLAYBOY: Are you high?
SHARIF: @#$% you!

At this point during the interview, the audio became indecipherable with the sound of keys hitting the floor and furniture being overturned. Mount later filed the interview under duress, and under the threat of legal action. It appears here in its entirety.

MCMAHON SAYS 'BAKERS CHEATED' Satan confirms deal with Sharif

Black Dogs wideout Percy Harvin reacts to having the first of three touchdowns called back because of questionable penalties Monday night.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Jim McMahon's weekly media circus took a nasty turn yesterday when the East Nashville coach bluntly accused the 12th Avenue Bakers of cheating in their victory over the Black Dogs last weekend.

Holding court outside Barista Parlor Wednesday morning as Hank Williams' "Your Cheating Heart" played repeatedly over the sound system, McMahon made the accusation in response to a question about the three touchdowns by Black Dogs wide receiver Percy Harvin that were called back on penalties. 

"The Bakers cheated, pure and simple," McMahon said. "Cheating has always gone on in this league with certain franchises — not the Black Dogs, of course. I remember the infamous $50,000 handshake that ensured Clinton Portis would not suit up for the Bakers in a Monday night game against the Beelzebubbas. Then there was the time Black Dogs players were dosed with LSD just before a game against the Animals. And of course there have been questionable calls by the refs that nullified touchdowns. But never three in one game. I mean, c'mon, man. It's one thing to cheat, but it's another thing altogether to make it so obvious. They're going to ruin it for everybody."

McMahon was also asked about his last-minute decision to pull tight end Antonio Gates, who scored 18 points, from his starting lineup."That was the damndest thing," he said. "I can't explain why I did it. Even after I had done it, I thought to myself, 'I should put Gates back in the lineup,' but then I didn't do it. 

"I suspected some kind of voodoo," said McMahon. So he went at midnight Wednesday to the Satan Tree in Sevier Park and used an incantation he had learned from Devlin Redd, the head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café, to summon the devil.

"I asked him point black, 'Did QCurl sell his soul to you?'" McMahon recounted.

"Hell yeah," was Satan's reply, according to the coach, "but that happened a long time ago. In fact, I resold it a year later to Goldman Sachs, and they divided it into tranches and sold pieces of it to hedge funds and institutional investors. The arrangement I made with Sharif this time was a whole different deal." McMahon went on to explain that Satan said under the terms of his contract with the Bakers' owner, he could not disclose the details, but that it involved future considerations. Of course, all Satan's deals involve future considerations, he added.

"He said 'you'll know what went down when I come for my due,' and then he kind of smiled and disappeared in a cloud of smoke," McMahon continued. "The whole place smelled like rotten eggs for about five minutes."

The AWP has learned Bakers owner QCurl Sharif acknowledged privately in a conversation with another owner that his team had indeed cheated, but did not elaborate on how they did it. Acting commissioner Bill Money independently investigated the allegations the Bakers had cheated and concluded they were true.

There have also been rumors that the benching of Gates and the mediocre performance by Black Dogs defensive end J.J. Watt (four points) which secured the Bakers win last weekend were merely the "final details" of the blockbuster trade between the two teams that sent Watt to the Dogs.

Sharif was not available for comment at the time of publication. More on this as it develops.

CORSAIRS CELEBRATE 4-0 START

Mojo D holds forth at the Downtown Corsairs' "4-0: Here We Go!" Celebration at The Palm Saturday. He conjured up the team's 2012 championship, including the infamous "Rather Be Lucky Than Good" ring.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

Planet Corsair partied hearty in downtown Nashville Saturday, as Corsair owner Mojo D threw a lavish "4-0: Here We Go!” extravaganza at power-broker steakhouse The Palm. What started as a media availability soon turned into a swank throw-down for the downtown Nashville glitterati, with Nashville Mayor Karl Dean, Nashville chanteuse Hayden Panetierre, US Rep. Jim Cooper, and ex-pat Taylor Swift enjoying The Palm's wildly popular "60-Burger” (an homage to Corsair QB Andrew Luck’s remarkable early season success: a double-Angus burger with white American cheese on a white-bread bun crusted with black truffle flakes), and pitchers of Corsair Triple Smoke Bourbon Manhattans, seasoned in Armagnac casks (courtesy of Corsair founder and fashionista Darek Bell). 

In the background, Jack White led an all-star band - including Victor Wooten on bass, Steve Winwoood on B3, and Keb Mo' on guitar - in a set of downtempo covers of Brazilian superstar Gilberto Gil, fronted by white-hot Meghan Trainor ("All About That Bass"). Despite a very public split before the season, White and Mojo D have appeared to patch things up, and dueted for a verse of “Girl from Ipanema."

Despite the protests of his staff, Mojo D took the microphone and answered some questions from the gathered Corsairs faithful:
Comment on the Corsairs 4-0 start...
"It's what we planned from the start, but for damn sure not how we planned it - how do you plan for losing your stud, keeper RB?.
There are some especially gratifying stats:
- a sweep of the Jorge - same as our 2012 championship season
- a 3-game cushion in the division, which doesn’t say much for the rest of these assholes
- Top of the power ranks, even though I have no idea what that means
- We are most proud of the team’s 94% coaching efficiency: Ray Ray is a damn genius."
*Notably. there were no Corsairs players present, nor was coach Ray Lewis. Officially, all personnel were focused on their Week 5 tilt with the Village Green. But sources close to the Corsairs report that Lewis feared that celebrating a 4-0 start was “premature e-smackulation” and would bring bad juju to the team, and encouraged his players to avoid the event.

Your early season success has given the Dogs and Bubbas their only losses - talk about your decisions so far.
"Start with Lucky: he has been a machine. My best draft ever kept the loss of AP from ending my season; the Bell-Bernard backfield has been solid, and has helped shore up an average performance from DezMaryius. Add a couple of key free agents: Kelvin Benjamin will be a top 5 WR; maybe not this season. And Matt Asiata has been a revelation - 28 points in week 4: who da thunk it?"
Why didn't you Asiata start this week?
"Research! There are teams in this league that don’t do theirs, but road teams on Thursdays are dismal. Love him, but knew it was not Matt's night." (note: Asiata scored 4.2 points Thursday)

Give us a preview of this week's matchup...
"Poor Goodrow: I predict such a crushing loss that he will leave Nashvegas, chased from the Village with pitchforks and torches -- not just for generally shitty play, but mostly for firing the beloved Stuart Smalley. John Wayne is just way too butch for the Village - bold choice, but I don’t think the Duke can help them.
Goodrow fancies myself my nemesis, and he may have earned that privilege. He owned me last season, and there will be payback."

Some have criticized you tonight for celebrating too early - what do you say to them?
"Asher has taught me that every moment is precious, and you gotta appreciate the right now.  This moment is beautiful for Asher, and the Corsairs thing is pretty cool too. Delight in all your blessings."

MCMAHON STUNNED BY WATT DEAL

Defensive end J.J. Watt rewarded his new team with an 80-yard pick six Sunday.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a rollicking presser this morning at the Barista Parlor in East Nashville, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon was in rare form, wearing his emotions on his sleeve, but also sticking it to his league rivals in typical fashion.

McMahon began the weekly media event by expressing condolences to the 12th Avenue Bakers for the loss of their beloved coach Rob Bironas, but since the Black Dogs play the Bakers this week, the coach's comments quickly turned from sympathy to mockery.

"I don't know who's on first," McMahon quipped, "but Watt's in East Nashville." He, of course, was making reference to the team's recent trade with Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, which landed them J.J. Watt, one of the league's best defenders.

"Since our game was already over, J.J. and I were hanging out at Club Gitmo during Monday Night Football the other night," the coach said. "He kept playing 'Rock the Casbah' on the jukebox in the Colt 45 Bar & Grill, and he would dance around — better than he does in that Verizon commercial — and sing along loudly when it got to the line, 'The Sharif don't like it.'" McMahon laughed, as did members of the media, at the thought of the giant defensive end dancing to The Clash hit.

"When they showed a replay of J.J.'s 80-yard pick six, I asked him what he was thinking as he ran down the field to the endzone," McMahon continued. "He said he felt like he was running toward a championship and away from an out-of-control dumpster fire on 12th Avenue."

At that point, McMahon turned the press conference over to Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan. "I just want to publicly express my thanks to QCurl for pulling the trigger on that trade," Ryan said with a huge grin. "When we lift the championship trophy at the end of the year, you'll be there with us in our hearts."

Reaction around the league to the news of the trade ranged from shock to outrage to laughter. When Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica heard about it, he joked owners would be lining up outside Bakers headquarters waiting for the doors to open. "You can get such good deals in Bakerville that my players are calling it the Stein Mart of the NFFA," Dominica said.

Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, who is traveling backwards through time, said it was the worst trade of all time in the NFFA, "and that includes the league's future history," he added.

Meanwhile, friends and teammates of Beelzebubbas backup quarterback Ben Roethlisberger expressed relief over the Bakers-Black Dogs deal. Earlier in the week, the Bubbas had proposed swapping Roethlisberger for Russell Wilson, but Sharif eventually rejected that idea. "When he thought he was going to the Bakers," said one teammate who wished to remain anonymous, "Big Ben said he would kill himself first, and we believed him. I'm so glad he's still with us."

McMahon fielded a few questions about East Nashville's win over Fidalgo Island the previous weekend. One member of the media asked his thoughts about scoring more than 200 points against the Sea Hogs. "Well, I always want to score the most points possible," the coach who has tallied the most 200-point games in NFFA history said. " Hell, I want 300 [expletive] points. Now that would be something.

"But I was surprised the Bakers didn't put up more of a fight," he added. When one of the reporters interjected, "You mean the Sea Hogs," McMahon said, "Oh, did I say Bakers? That's interesting. I guess the Sea Hogs reminded me of the Bakers because it was so easy — it was like they weren't even trying."

After a team PR man said McMahon would take one final question, a reporter asked whether the coach thought Watt could match his remarkable inaugural performance as a Black Dog this week against his old team.

"What are you talking about?" asked McMahon as a puzzled expression crept across his face.

"Um, you know," said the reporter, "can J.J. score another 22.5 points against the Bakers after they traded him to your team?"

"The Bakers traded J.J. Watt to us?" the coach exclaimed incredulously. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Did Buddy give up our first-round pick next year?"

When reminded of the terms of the trade, McMahon once again shook his head. "That just blows my mind," he said. "I'm going to need a tray of margaritas to get my head around this."

And with that, the coach left the podium and headed for Rosepepper Cantina.