BUBBAS HEX ANIMALS Santeria high priestess dispenses ‘grandmother of all curses’

The Santeria high priestess at Harvard Square on Monday afternoon.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Last month, reporters at one of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas’ weekly press availabilities laughed when owner Mos Ded announced that he was preparing “the grandmother of all curses” against the Cambridge Animals, who in 2015 had announced the “mother of all curses” against the Bubbas. On Monday afternoon, some of them gasped as Ded kept his promise.

Members of the media covering the Bubbas-Animals game in Cambridge received an invitation to gather at Harvard Square at noon for what the announcement billed as “a revelation of how the NFFA works.” They witnessed the arrival of an elderly woman described as a high priestess of Santeria — an Afro-Caribbean religion involving animal sacrifice. She was dressed all in white except for a red sash and a large red flower in her headdress, and she occasionally puffed on a large, fat cigar.

The priestess was accompanied by Anton Chigur and four members of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team, who spread out white sheets on the floor where the priestess and her “assistant” — a doll dressed in a matching outfit — were to sit. 

As reporters and photographers gathered around, the priestess produced from under her blouse a faded photo of Animals’ owner Dave the Animal, on whose face she drew a mustache and multiple pockmarks with a red Sharpie pen. Then she began to chant a monologue that, except for the words “Cambridge Animals” and “Garfield,” were unintelligible to the onlookers. After several minutes, she turned to the doll and exclaimed, “It is done!” before unleashing a loud, disturbing cackle.

The woman did not remain for questions, nor did reporters attempt to ask any. One member of the FoA security detail, however, did respond to a question about why no chickens were sacrificed in the ritual in accordance to what is widely believed to be a practice of Santeria. “You have just seen an Animal sacrifice,” the guard replied ominously. “No chicken was necessary.”

Significantly, perhaps, the Animals needed less than 12 points Monday to overtake the Bubbas, but their two players in the game scored barely half that amount. As a result, the Bubbas have swept the Animals in the regular season for the second consecutive year.

Afterwards, as he and Chigur were celebrating in the visitors locker room, Ded was asked whether the season sweep made up the Bubbas’ loss to the Animals in last year’s championship game. “No,” Ded replied with a slight smile. “Some debts cannot be repaid.” 

WTA SUSPENDED, LEAGUE TO INVESTIGATE Improper benefits to English teacher alleged

By Ariel Muth-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a startling development, Cambridge Animals’ wunderkind general manager Wilder the Animal was suspended from school Monday after officials claimed he had bribed his freshman English teacher in order to avoid classwork.

WTA leaving BHS after being suspended. 

According to officials at William S. Burroughs High School in Cambridge, where WTA is a student, Wilder had provided his teacher with four club-level season tickets at The Zoo, as the Animals’ stadium is known to fans, plus tickets to the Animals’ game against the Bakers in London. “He was basically making all personnel moves for the team during English class,” said Principal Thurston Howell IV. “And he bribed the teacher not only to look the other way but to give him A’s in everything but poetry. I admire the young man’s entrepreneurial abilities, but this is totally unacceptable behavior for a BHS student.”

Sources said that WTA’s shenanigans came to light when fellow students, who believed Animal the Younger was receiving special treatment, informed the principal. At least one student, however, cast blame elsewhere. “It was kind of cool that all the personnel moves for the NFFA defending champions were getting made right in our classroom,” said the student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. “But it was the worst kept secret in town. Everybody but the principal and Mr. Dave the Animal knew about it. This only became a thing because the principal was pissed he was getting cut out on the ticket deal. Wilder will learn from this.”

No length for WTA’s suspension was given, and attempts to reach DTA, who was said to be in New Mexico for the annual chilé harvest, were unsuccessful. 

Reached on Tuesday, Deputy NFFA Commissioner Meadow Soprano promised “a thorough and fair” investigation. “We take allegations of organized crime very seriously,” Soprano said, “especially when it looks as disorganized as this appears to be. I suspect this will be a topic that gets discussed at Mr. Sharif’s annual Integrity Dinner in London this weekend.”