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| Atlanta Smack Daddies RB David Johnson is the first-half offensive MVP. |
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
This may be the easiest AWP midterm report card ever. That could be because it’s the closest race ever for the Dead Lombardi trophy at the halfway point. Only two games separate all eight teams.
There is one team with five wins, two teams with four wins, and five teams with three teams — and the three-win teams are all tied (in terms of their record) for the final playoff berth. As far as the grades are concerned, that’s as easy as A-B-C. Well, not quite. Here are the 2016 midterm grades and superlatives:
A- East Nashville Black Dogs (5-2): The Black Dogs have the best record, but have been far from dominant. They’re only fifth in points scored, but have been helped by having the third-fewest points scored against them. Still, this is a team that lost it’s coach and GM in the offseason, and were poised for a big fall, in the opinion of media observers and league insiders. While they may not be running through a “muthafucka’s face,” new GM/coach Marshawn Lynch has the team poised to win their eleventh Jorge division title in thirteen seasons.
B+ Downtown Corsairs (4-3): After starting 0-2, the Corsairs fired their head coach (Megatron) and have won four out of five since naming rock star Jack White as their new coach. White clearly has a lot of time on his hands since announcing he was taking a break from touring. Under White’s direction, they have surged to the top of the Linardo division behind an offense that has scored the second-most points.
B- Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (4-3): With four wins, the Sea Hogs have already surpassed their win total for each of the last two seasons, when they won only three games, so it looks like the insanity may be back. Although they’ve scored the second-fewest points, they also have had the fewest points scored against them, and roll into the second half of the season on a two-game winning streak. Only time will tell if the insanity has truly returned.
C+ Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4): Lex Dominica’s Smack Daddies team has scored the most points, but also has had the second-most scored against them — which seems to be their situation every year. At least one longtime NFFA insider claims it’s because of the curse of the Dominicas. Even so, if the playoffs started today, the Daddies would claim the second wild-card berth.
C West Nashville Beelzebubbas (3-4): Speaking of curses, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal claimed prior to the season to have put the “mother of all curses” on the Beelzebubbas. After a 3-2 start, franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger went down in week six during their game against the Bakers, a game they lost by a tenth of a point. Then they had go with backup QB Derek Carr in their pivotal matchup last weekend with the Black Dogs, and the result was the Bubbas hit the turn on a two-game losing skid and not knowing exactly when Roethlisberger will return. Word on the street is the Bubbas are working on the “grandmother of all curses” for the Animals, bringing in practitioners of Santeria, the Afro-Caribbean religion that involves animal sacrifice.
C London Bakers (3-4): The Bakers are another of the league’s accursed teams, the victim of "the curse of Tom Brady" put on them by DTA at the beginning of last season, just the latest in a long line of curses DTA has directed at the Bakers. But so far in 2016, it was the curse of not having Brady that was the primary cause of their 1-3 start; that and having more points scored against them than any other team. Since Brady returned from his four-game suspension, the Bakes have won two out of the last three, to the delight of their new UK fanbase, particularly new Baker superfan Adele.
C Cambridge Animals (3-4): As reigning champions, the Animals, of course, are enduring a curse of their own: the curse of the champion. In the fourteen-year history of the league, not only has no reigning champion ever repeated, no reigning champion has ever made it back to the title game. Since DTA is the king of casting curses, there is a certain justice to him having to endure a curse of his own. Last season, Animals GM Wilder the Animal looked like a genius in leading the franchise to its second title game and first ring. This season, not so much. Maybe its the curse; or maybe, as one owner suggested, WTA “got a little too big for his britches.” Or maybe it’s because he’s making all his moves at school while he’s in freshman English class. Whatever, WTA has been on the wrong-way rollercoaster with the team’s two franchise QBs — Drew Brees and Philip Rivers — prompting DTA to demand that Brees be the permanent starter, according to a source close to the team. Despite the familial friction, WTA has guided the team to a two-game winning streak to avert a disaster.
C The Village Green (3-4): After a 3-1 start, the Green slid into the halfway mark on a three-game losing jag, the result of “rigged” games according to team owner Donald Trump, who went on a Twitter rampage after losing to the Corsairs. “Mojo D is a total loser,” he tweeted. The Donald already is tweeting about the rematch with his hated rivals, vowing on social media to “grab the Corsairs by the pussy.” The Green started 3-1 with Carson Palmer under center, but after Palmer missed week five with an injury, Coach Stuart Smalley has gone with Dak Prescott and Tyrod Taylor at QB, and the result has been three-straight losses to finish the first half of the season. Some league insiders think Trump ordered Smalley to bench Palmer after learning the California native is a registered Democrat. Others say if Trump weren’t distracted by his presidential campaign, Smalley would have lost his job already. That may change after November 8.
Superlatives
First-Half Offensive MVP: David Johnson, RB, Atlanta Smack Daddies: Johnson is on pace to score more than 290 points and could break 300 points, something no player other than quarterbacks has accomplished.
First-Half Defensive MVP: Landon Collins, S, Downtown Corsairs: Collins is on pace to score more than 170 points, with an outside shot at 200.
