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| Marshawn Lynch speaks to reporters this morning about winning the Jorge division championship in his first season as head coach of the Black Dogs. |
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
With a win over the defending champs from Cambridge this past weekend, East Nashville improved their record to 9-4 and clinched the Jorge division title for the eleventh time in the past thirteen years. The Black Dogs also claimed the No. 1 seed in the playoffs.
"This is the reward you get when you are willing to run through a muthafucka's face over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again," Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch said at his Tuesday presser. "Winning the division was goal number one, and frankly, pretty much expected around here. Now we've got to run through a muthafucka's face three more times to get dat ring."
One reporter in town from Boston asked the Black Dogs how much his team's victory over the Animals was due to "the grandmother of all curses" put on them by the Beelzebubbas, to which Lynch smiled and said, "Well, I don't believe in curses, but the curse is 2-0."
Amazingly, the Black Dogs are the only team to have clinched a playoff berth with only one week to go in the regular season. It's one of the tightest campaigns in the league's fifteen-year history, comparable only to the 2004 season, when the five teams that hadn't clinched a playoff berth were all mathematically still in the hunt for the final wild-card spot on the season's final week.
This year, the other three teams in the Jorge division — Cambridge, London, and West Nashville — all have 6-7 records (assuming West Nashville's one-point win over London holds up) and remain in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth. The Animals and the Bakers square off in Cambridge this weekend, and the Black Dogs head to West Nashville to take on the Beelzebubbas. In Cambridge, the winner will be 7-7 and in the running for one of the two wild-card berths, while the loser will be eliminated. If the 'Bubbas knock off the Dogs, they will finish 7-7, too, and also be in play for a wild-card spot.
In the race for the Linardo division crown, the picture is a little murkier. The Downtown Corsairs and Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are tied atop the division with 7-6 records, but the Sea Hogs own the tiebreaker and would be the division champs if the season ended today. But it doesn't, so 6-7 Atlanta is still in the mix, as well. If the Sea Hogs beat the Daddies this weekend, they will clinch the division title, no matter what the Corsairs do by virtue of the league's tiebreaker system. The first tiebreaker is overall winning percentage, which would be equal for both teams. The second tiebreaker is division winning percentage, and the Hogs have a better division record than the Corsairs. In order for the Corsairs to claim the division title, they not only need to knock off the Village Green this weekend, but they need the Daddies to defeat the Sea Hogs.
On the other hand, if the Daddies knock off the Sea Hogs and the Village Green defeat the Corsairs, the Daddies, Hogs, and Corsairs would all have 7-7 records and the Daddies would win the division title via the league tiebreakers. The first tiebreaker (overall winning percentage) would be equal for all three teams. The second tiebreaker (division winning percentage) would eliminate the Corsairs, but there would still be at tie between the Daddies and Hogs — both would be 4-2 in the division. That would bring the third tiebreaker, total points scored, into play, and the Daddies have scored 130.6 more points than the Hogs, a seemingly impossible margin for the Hogs to overcome in one game. So, the Daddies would win the division and the Hogs and Corsairs would then fight it out with at least one other 7-7 team from the Jorge division for the two wild-card playoff spots.
Unfortunately for president-elect Donald Trump, his Green team was eliminated from the championship playoff hunt this past weekend with their loss to the Sea Hogs. After the Hogs' come-from-behind win Sunday evening, Trump went on a Twitter rampage Monday morning, disparaging team owner Tirik Obobber.
Obobber was not available for comment at press time. A source close to the embattled owner said he was on his yacht, still celebrating his victory over Trump's team. "He just did what Hillary couldn't do — beat Trump," the source explained. "So he threw a party for the team featuring 50 Korean hookers, 25 cases of Dom Perignon, and a quarter pound of Sour Diesel primo buds."
There is one thing left for Trump's Green to play for: If they knock off the Corsairs this weekend, they will deny their hated rivals the division crown, and possibly even a berth in the playoffs.
SIDEBAR: Wild-card possibilities
Six teams remain in contention for the final two wild-card berths. The first tiebreaker for the wild-card berths is head-to-head record, and the second is total points scored. Here are the sixteen different playoff scenarios entering week 14:
Playoff seedings, scenario 1 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7).
Playoff seedings, scenario 2 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7).
Playoff seedings, scenario 3 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Smack Daddies (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the Hogs by 19.5 points going into the final weekend.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 4 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14.
Playoff seedings, scenario 5 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Animals (7-7).
Playoff seedings, scenario 6 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7).
Playoff seedings, scenario 7 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Animals (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Daddies.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 8 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Animals.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 9 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Beelzebubbas (7-7), depending on which team has the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the 'Bubbas by 58.9 points going into the final weekend.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 10 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 11 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite also being 7-7 and having head-to-head records equal to the Daddies, the Bakers and 'Bubbas would not get the fourth seed and make the playoffs due to having scored fewer total points than the Daddies.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 12 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers and Corsairs would not make the playoffs due to having worse head-to-head records between the three 7-7 teams vying for the fourth wild-card spot.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 13 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the 'Bubbas.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 14 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 15 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Daddies (7-7) 4. Sea Hogs (7-7). (The head-to-head records among the four teams competing for the fourth wild-card spots are all equal, so the final spot will be decided by total points scored, which probably will leave the 7-7 'Bubbas and Animals on the outside looking in. The Sea Hogs lead the 'Bubbas by 39.4 points going into the final weekend and lead the Animals by 77.4 points.)
Playoff seedings, scenario 16 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals and the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to having the worse head-to-head records between the three teams vying for the final wild-card spot.)
