Another of Tirik's Tirades

The Problem with JoJo

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

As poorly qualified as I am to institute change, I hope you will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic.

Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous blogs and postings: If JoJo the Monkey bites me I will bite back. I have never read anything he has written that I would consider wise, logical, pertinent, reasonable, or scientific.

JoJo's statement that he can scare us by using big words like "orangatangulation" and "chimpanzeefication" is no exception. What's more, he sometimes uses the word "anti-anthropomorphism" when describing his projects. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response.

So, sorry for being so long-winded in this blog, but JoJo's assertion that his philosophies are based on the theory of evolution serves only to illustrate his ignorance and poorly hidden bigotry.

That's all for now. Pax vobiscum.

Another of Tirik's Tirades

- - My complaint with MOJO D

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that Mojo D's philippics are the direct result of a policy of abandonment and neglect.

Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what Mojo's particularly self-indulgent form of snobbism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of insecure politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution.

Admittedly, I feel that there is more wisdom to be found in three of Aesop's fables than in the sum total of everything that Mojo has ever written. But that's because some of my acquaintances express the view that Mojo's tirades do not pass muster by any objective standards. Others express the view that Mojo loves everybody so much, he wants to rip out the guts of everybody who doesn't love everybody as much as he does. I am prepared to offer a cheer and a half for each view; together, they paint a sufficiently complete picture of Mojo to warrant a full three cheers.

In a nutshell, Mojo D wouldn't be able to lead an active disinformation campaign if he were working on a level playing field.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

Jizzle McMizzle - Where to start???

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

Allow me the honor of giving you a brief lesson in Jizzle McMizzle's many sinful attributes. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. Bestial, dirty hooligans are sharply focused on an immediate goal: to prime the pump of mandarinism. My message is clear: It's impulsive for Jizzle to cause riots in the streets. Or perhaps I should say, it's quixotic.

It is deeply unfortunate that Jizzle has a certain fondness for hedonism-prone scaramouches, because Jizzle's abhorrent imprecations can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, and ignorance. If the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to ruin my entire day. I've left out many criticisms of Jizzle McMizzle from this wailing wall of a blog. Nevertheless, I maintain that it's a start—a philosophical space where we can plant a new flag symbolizing all that is wrong with Jizzle.

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

There are a number of frightening facts about the NFFA that I absolutely must make public. But before I do I need to go into a fair about of detail explaining how the NFFA likes to launch into nonsensical non sequiturs. Hang in there; this explanation won't take long.

Let's review the errors in the NFFA's statements in order. First, the NFFA makes it its job to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. What a joyful affair it would be for the NFFA if it managed to get away with turning masters of deceit loose against us good citizens. It'd be laughing through its snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. It'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that one of its most diabolic compeers is the point man in a process of creeping fascistization of our society. And here, I suspect, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in its strictures.

In closing, please remember that my ultimate goal is to create and nurture a true spirit of community. If I advance, follow me. If I stop, urge me on. If I retreat, kill me.

QGIRL SHARIS GOES PUBLIC; URGES PEACE IN THE STREETS

Sharis has been at the heart of many of the Bakers' front office decisions.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVEGAS — Following recent days of speculation, troubled singer Amy Winehouse revealed to the press that she is indeed QGirl "Sharis" Sharif, sister of 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif.

Sharis made the surprise admission this afternoon at a press conference at the Cherry Bomb Cafe, with her brother at her side. She used the forum to call for peace in the streets that have seen fighting following the bombing of the Jo-Jo-A-GoGo. Midtown Mojo fans have been attempting to destroy the Cherry Bomb in a misguided fit of retaliation.

"As surely as I can stop smoking crack and meth, the Mojo fans can stop attacking innocent people and structures," Sharis said. "Our organization had nothing to do with it, though I understand many of our fans applauded the incident. I think there are residual hard-feelings about the way another monkey appeared on the landscape when Baker fans felt it was a proprietary mascot.

"Still, our organization deplores the current situation and calls for peace."

Following her statement, her brother draped a shroud on her from behind and led her to the bar. For his part, QCurl has seemed shaken by the death of former Beelzebubbas' owner and coach, Boyd X. Biggs, and has kept a low profile after his bid to host a wake for Biggs was rebuffed.

The Bakers stand at 5-3 following last weekend's hard-fought win over the Mojo, and look to improve their record this week against the anemic Alamo Scouts. A 6-3 record would put them solidly in the race for a playoff spot.

"I'm afraid this whole Jo-Jo-A-GoGo thing has distracted us a bit," Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg said after the press conference. "We can't overlook anyone, given our history. And, I, personally, would like to extend the olive branch to Dave the Animal as well. For a divisional brother to feel so hurt that he would side with an outsider ... well, he must really be hurtin'.

"I'm inviting him to hang with me and QCurl in the Treehouse where we can reminisce and apply salve to those wounds. I would also invite the public to join us to witness the applying of the salve. Tickets will be made available at a reasonable price."

Team officials have set the tickets at $200. They may be purchased exclusively online at www.bakersonline.com.

MIDTOWN MOJO MANIAC MARAUDING 12 SOUTH

Metro police try to restore order in the DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12th Avenue South.


By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In the wake of the fiery destruction of the Jojo-A-Go-Go last week, citizens of Midtown are rampaging through the streets between Midtown and 12th Avenue South, home of the Bakers. Stoked by the assertions of Mojo D that the Bakers and GM QCurl Sharif are responsible for the conflagration and ensuing death of Beelzebubbas' Coach/GM Boyd X. Biggs, the Midtown faithful are driving steadily toward Grey Goose stadium, where they hope to corner Sharif and bring him to justice. Midtown GM Mojo D issued a "fatwa" on Sharif, despite the fact he is neither an ayatollah nor a Muslim.

Metro police chief Ronal Serpas has declared a DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12 South, but the authorities have been unsuccessful in trying to quell the violence between Mojo and Baker fans. Bakers super-fan Bill Cheatham was defending the Baker perimeter and was unavailable for comment. Stay tuned to FSN for more on this breaking story and developing news on the last tragic days of Boyd X. Biggs.

BIGGS’ DEATH CONFIRMED Business as usual at Beelzebubbas HQ; police investigating Bakers

Boyd X. Biggs, ? - 2009. (AWP FILE PHOTO)


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — The Beelzebubbas organization seemed remarkably unaffected and even upbeat this morning following the explosion and fire at the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go that apparently killed team owner Boyd X. Biggs.

Police confirmed late Sunday that one body, identified as Biggs, was found in the smoldering ruin of the Midtown nightspot, which is owned by NFFA founder Jorgé Linardo. The identification was based on dental records. Nashvegas police forensics experts said the body, like Biggs, had no natural teeth but a full set of permanent dentures.

At a brief news conference Monday, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations Anton Chigur said that Biggs had gone to the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go to demand that the Midtown Mojo stop treating the club as their own, and that they reimburse Dr. Linardo for damage caused by their fans after the Mojo’s first victory of the season two weeks ago.

Chigur also dropped a bombshell on the assembled media. Biggs, he said, had been fired as team coach early Friday afternoon. An announcement had been planned for Saturday, but was postponed after Biggs’ death.

How, one reporter asked, could Biggs have been fired, since he was also owner of the team? Who fired him? “I can’t say,” Chigur replied. “All I know is that he was fired on Friday. That is,” he added with his mouth slightly upturned, “before he apparently got fired the second time.”

No replacement for Biggs has been named. Injured running back Leon Washington handled the coaching duties for Sunday’s game.

Chigur announced that both the team’s offices and Club Gitmo, its unofficial headquarters, would remain open as usual for business. He also said that no memorial service for Biggs had been planned at this point, “although I understand there will be a celebration at the Cherry Bomb Café” — an apparent reference to allegations by the Mojo that the 12th Avenue Bakers were behind the nightclub bombing.

Among Bubbas’ fans, there appeared to be no mourning either. Before Sunday’s game at Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium, the PA announcer’s request for fans to observe a moment of silence in Biggs’ honor was met by a resounding chorus of boos.

“That’s how he would have wanted it,” said 'Bubbas’ Offensive Coordinator Li’l Wayne. “He didn’t get to where he got by respecting people just because they wuz dead. He believed that when someone died, it just created opportunities, and Biggs believed in creating lots of opportunities, if you know what I’m saying. So, actually, the fans were showing their respect for Biggy by booing that moment of silence bull[expletive].”

Detectives are investigating the possible role of the Bakers in the bombing, said a spokesperson for the Nashvegas police department. A number of people in the team's organization are persons of interest in the investigation, including owner QCurl Sharif and head coach Snoop Dogg.