MIDTERM REPORT CARD: HOGS, 'BUBBAS AT HEAD OF CLASS

Midtown fans have turned losing into a fashion statement.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — It's the halfway point of the ninth NFFA season, and once again, it's time to hand out the teams' midterm grades.

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (7-0): A+
The Sea Hogs are perfect so far, have a two-game lead in the Linardo division race, and are showing no signs of suffering from any curse of the champion. In fact, they are the favorites to win the title for the third time, and become the first champion ever to repeat. They not only have scored the most points, they have had the least number of points scored against them. Also, their defenders have scored more points than any other team's defenders.

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-1): A
Like the Sea Hogs, the Beelzebubbas  have a two-game lead in their division race. Their only loss was to the Hogs on the opening weekend, and since then, led by league-leading QB Philip Rivers, they have reeled off six straight Ws, averaging 165 points per game. The team demolished its three division opponents, winning by an average of 50 points.

Atlanta Smack Daddies (5-2): B+
The Smack Daddies are right where you would expect them to be at the halfway point: more wins than losses, third in points scored, and on track for a return to the playoffs and a chance for a third ring. And this, despite down years for two of the team's leading players: QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Chris Johnson. The Daddies only losses are to the Sea Hogs and Beelzebubbas.

Cambridge Animals (4-3): B-
After posting their second straight win last weekend against 12th Avenue in what some are calling the greatest game in NFFA history, the Animals have their "awesome awesomeness" back. With a stable of high-scoring RBs — they have five averaging 10 or more points a game — the Animals have the inside track for the second wild-card playoff spot.

East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4): C
The Black Dogs find themselves in unfamiliar territory. To begin with, they aren't atop the Jorge division, where they have been entrenched for the past five seasons. During that time, they have been the highest scoring franchise, but this season, they are next-to-last in points scored, having tallied more than 200 fewer points than the league-leading Sea Hogs. Although Coach Jizzle McMizzle vows the team will turn their season around and still make the playoffs, it looks as if what goes around has finally come back around for the Dogs.

12th Avenue Bakers (2-5): C-
Despite only two Ws, the Bakers get a C- because they have been the victim of bad luck. In three of their losses, they have scored more than 150 points, including last weekend in their two-point loss to the Animals in the so-called greatest game in league history. Owner QCurl Sharif has privately blamed QB Drew Brees for the Bakers slow start, but new GM Rahm Emanuel has dropped hints that head coach Snoop Dogg is the problem. Stay tuned for more drama in Baker nation.

Alamo Scouts (1-6): D
The Scouts were the preseason darlings of Methlon's NFFA Preview magazine, but they have disappointed so far. Starting QB Ben Roethlisberger missed the first four weeks of the season because of his suspension, plus they have only one RB in the top 10 and only one WR in the top 30. MeeMaw Murrman had better get her skillet out and start applying some motivation upside some players' heads, starting with stud WR Larry Fitzgerald.

Midtown Mojo (0-7): F
As each winless week has passed, the Midtown franchise has fallen further into disarray. After being hospitalized in a coma, owner Mojo-D has disappeared, as has mascot Mojo Jojo and GM Miss Lee Yhn. Word on the street in Hillsboro Village is that Mojo-D's hated rival Randy Rayburn is running the team now. Whether that is true or not, the team's Volvo-driving, chablis-swilling fans, who were giddy after the draft, have taken to wearing paper bags over their heads, which they consider a fashion accessory.

TROUBLE IN BAKERLAND: SHARIF NAMES EMANUEL NEW BAKERS GM

The 12th Ave. Bakers are trying to stop the bleeding, according to owner QCurl Sharif, with the hiring of new GM Rahm Emanuel. It is reported that head coach Snoop Dogg opposed the hire.By Faith Popcorn
TWELVE AVE. PUBLIC RELATIONS
NASHVILLE -- As the 12th Ave. Bakers have watched their 2010 season unravel — a season for which the fans and owner QCurl Sharif had high hopes — a battle has apparently transpired behind closed doors in an effort to place blame for the poor start, and to find a way to turn the campaign around.

At end of day Wednesday, Sharif addressed reporters and announced the hiring of former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel as the new Bakers GM. According to Sharif, Emanuel was approached last weekend as the team suffered a narrow loss to the Cambridge Animals.

'He was my guest this past weekend,' Sharif said. 'And, despite the loss, he was impressed with the team and the fan base. He noted that we are scoring points, but seemed unable to close the deals. He communicated this to Mr. Dogg at dinner later Monday night — and to be honest — it didn't go over well. In fact, Snoop turned over the table and one of the Touchdown Tasers caught Rahm's suit on fire.'

Emanuel signed a contract Wednesday morning and Snoop Dogg talked to reporters and fans from the Treehouse Studio last night. He was wrapping up a tribute record honoring Tammy Wynette with a cover of 'Stand By Your Man' by Lady GaGa.

'I guess we'll find some common ground,' Dogg said. 'But, if the state of the White House is an indication of what he's going to do for us, then I have some doubt ... no doubt. This is the NFFA for dogg's sake — we strap it on and get down with the best week in and week out. I mean, shit, we've got the fourth best offense in the league and our defense played lights out last week. It's hardcore out there. Sometimes the bear eats you. Hell man, we had three players knocked out our game two weeks ago. I hope Mr. Emanuel is ready for this. Politics ain't nuthin' but showbiz.'

Dogg is the winningest coach in Bakers' history, compiling an overall record of 19-17 to date, and has carried the team to the playoffs twice after replacing the popular Randy Warhol. His postseason record is 1-3.

'Snoop's record is not an issue,' Emanuel said from Sharif's home this morning. 'And his job is not in jeopardy. But, as QCurl says: 'Why settle for mediocrity?' ... I have confidence that Snoop will get the players motivated and back on course.'

When told today of Emanuel's comment, Dogg was somewhat surprised.

'If Rahm wants to get up in my business, he'll find out what jeopardy really is ... in fact, I'll leadpipe him so bad he'll look like Alex Tribek.'

MCMIZZLE GOES OFF AT OCTOBERFEST

Cell phone photo of East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle during an altercation with 12th Avenue fans at Saturday's Octoberfest celebration. (Photo courtesy of Missy Bass)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — On the eve of his team's visit to 12th Avenue, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jizzle McMizzle caused a scene yesterday at the annual Octoberfest in the Germantown area of Nashvegas.

According to witnesses attending the event, an obviously drunk McMizzle engaged in a verbal altercation with several Bakers fans.

Jeremy Huff, who was attending the fest with his wife and son, said three young men wearing Bakers merchandise and sporting QCurl tattoos, confronted McMizzle outside one of the beer tents and challenged him about his team's mediocre start.

"The fans started it," Huff said. "It looked like McMizzle was having a hard time staying upright."

Missy Bass, another attendee, said one of the men told the coach he "sucked," to which McMizzle slurred, "I'll have you know that rumor's not true."

Bass said the conversation continued as follows:

"You're going down tomorrow, chump," one of the other men told him.

"I've never lost to the Bakers," McMizzle replied.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass," the first man said. "Last year, next-to-last game, sucka."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot about that," the coach slurred. "Well, we're still gonna kick your asses."

"Y'all gonna be in Baker Nation, Coach. Y'all may not make it out alive."

Bass said at that point, McMizzle pulled a gun, and mumbled something about they better not make him mad. The first Bakers fan said to the others, "That dude is whack. Let's get outta here," and then started to leave.

As they walked away, McMizzle yelled at them to stop. "I'll tell you one thing," he said loudly. "The curse is gonna get the [expletive] [Fidalgo Island Sea], Hogs. Somebody big on the Hogs is gonna get hurt, probably [expletive] Peyton [Manning, Sea Hogs starting quarterback] — and it could happen this weekend. Write that down."

"I ain't got a pen, Coach, or any [expletive] paper," the first Bakers fan said. "Write it down, your damn self. See ya tomorrow in the nation, sucka."

The curse McMizzle referred to is curse of the NFFA champion. Not only has no champion in the eight-year history of the league been able to repeat, in many cases they had a big fall the following season. With their 4-0 start, there is no evidence the defending champions from Fidalgo Island are suffering any such affliction.