By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network
Ending months of speculation and rumor, the team formerly known as (Midtown) Mojo re-launched itself over the weekend simply as “Corsairs” at a lavish media junket on the Chinese island of Macau. The team has a re-vamped front office, new logo, and an outspoken new coach, Cee-Lo Green, whom it appears will be the face of the organization. He replaces the disgraced and indicted Mojo D, who remains the team’s GM, but was uncharacteristically quiet during the event.
The team has made a “complex, multi-faceted deal” with Nashville-based Corsair Artisan Distillery, which has naming rights to the team’s stadium, as well as the team itself. Green said “we love Corsair – they’ve made us rich already this season, and their Red Absinthe, with its floral notes, is a fantastic 21st-century adaptation of the hallucinatory wormwood concoction. We are just hoping to keep Mojo D out of it during the draft.”
Corsair’s artisan spirits flowed freely at the sky casino at Wynn Macau, where the team is based – largely because of the team’s new owner, a shadowy Chinese warlord known as General (or Comrade) Lee-Yhn. During the off-season, former owner Sheikh Yrbouti sold the team to Gen. Lee; reached by satellite phone in his desert compound, Yrbouti said “he made me an offer I could not refuse, plus he also purchased a large option on oil futures. It was – how do you say – a no-brainer.”
Lee did not attend the proceedings, but according to Media Relations Director Rosetta Stone, the “raging popularity” of the NFFA in the world’s most populous country “made the move a no-brainer.” The weekly lottery for tickets to Corsairs “home” games is expected to greatly expand the team’s coffers – Stone declined to give specifics, but it is clear that it stretches into a weekly seven-figure windfall.
Stone also declined comment on the commonality of the new owner’s name and the team’s former muse, Miss Lee-Yhn, the Pompatus of Love, saying only “do you have any idea how many people named Lee live in China?” Still, the question remains.
Other questions also remain: where exactly will the team play? Because of his indictment on unspecified charges, Mojo D could be taken into custody anywhere that is American soil; but there is no indication of a permanent home for the team. Sources tell FSN that a massive construction project is underway in the Chinese port city of Chongdu, and team officials have assured the league that there will be a Corsairs venue when the season starts.
Corsair Artisan Spirits founder and distiller Darek Bell smiled when asked about the stadium and said “it is an entirely unique venue that will cater to the high-end NFFA fan, but I can’t say much more than that. I can say that the bars in all the luxury suites will feature a full complement of Corsair Artisan spirits. Could I interest you in a tumbler of our Triple Smoke Whiskey? The Chinese love this stuff!” He went on to say that the naming rights are a big part of Corsair’s push into China: “they have a growing high-roller class with tons of cash and a thirst for the western lifestyle – it’s a no-brainer for Corsair.”
Despite the profusion of “no-brainer” decisions surrounding Corsairs (which is an old term for “gentleman pirate,” as well as an ill-fated 1960s American sedan), the selection of Cee-Lo Green as the team’s coach is a head-scratcher. Mojo D’s one comment at the media event was about Green: “Cee-Lo has exactly the right attitude to succeed in this league, and it is summed up succinctly in his huge hit from earlier this year: ‘Fuck You’. He brings that same in-your-face-ness to his coaching, and I expect the team will respond.”
Green echoed Mojo D’s comments and added: “this is a new adventure for me – I’ve followed the NFFA closely for years, and this crazy-ass bunch of unhinged muthafuckas is just right for my brand of competition.”
The Corsairs open their season against the East Nashville Black Dogs.
