DTA's zombie poetry slams may feature Walt
Whitman (left) 'verses' Edgar Allan Poe.
Whitman (left) 'verses' Edgar Allan Poe.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Leaked grand jury testimony indicates that Dave the Animal of the Cambridge Animals is the latest NFFA owner to become ensnared in the widening web of investigation into the abuse of zombies at QCurl Sharif’s now-infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald, FSN has learned.
Sources, who said they wish to remain anonymous because leaking grand jury testimony is illegal, suggest that DTA, as he is widely known throughout New England, conspired with Sharif to reanimate prominent American poets who would compete in “zombie poetry slams” as part of what was laughingly dubbed the “Undead Poets’ Society.” Allegedly, DTA had planned to organize a two-day Deadstock festival in which reanimated poets would face off against each other, reading one of their own works, with the winner (as determined by audience approval) allowed to rip the face off his or her zombie poet competitor.
The sources allowed FSN to hear what were purported to be audiotapes of a cellphone conversation between DTA and Sharif in which DTA outlined the plan. “First round will be something like Marianne Moore and Elizabeth Bishop in a bitch fight,” says the voice on the tape. “Then maybe Robert Frost vs. Longfellow or Edgar Allan Poe vs. Walt Whitman. We’ll bill the event as Zombies Verses Zombies.” Get it? Ver-sess. People will be lining up to see Allan Ginsberg against Bob Dylan.”
Reminded by former Bakers coach Snoop Dogg, who also could be heard on the tape, that Dylan is not dead yet, DTA replied, “Everything is fluid.”
Then DTA continued: “Like Auden was saying at the Lodge the other day” — an apparent reference to a reanimated version of the Anglo-American poet — “'poetry makes nothing happen.’ He’s right, and he also agrees with my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay. You might get $200 and a year’s free subscription from the New Yorker if they publish your poem. And then everyone just skips to the cartoons. This is a way to make some real money from poetry. Poetry slams have been done to death, so we’re gonna do it to un-death. Can you imagine what people would pay to see Shakespeare vs. the Earl of Oxford? It’s the Thrilla in Unrhymed Iambic Pentameter, is what it fuckin’ is.”
Reached for comment, Ellis D. Hayes, who is serving as chief legal counsel for Sharif, said that the tape is “obviously a bigger fake than the Shroud of Turin,” before urging the media to bid on his auctions at ebay, where he said he is currently offering “the Williamsburg Bridge, a gallon jar of pixie dust, Napoleon’s shriveled and desiccated penis and several relics of the true cross.”
In a related development, Nashville police issued an arrest warrant for Beelzebubbas General Manager Chuck Barris following his indictment by a grand jury. Authorities said that Barris had until 8 a.m. Wednesday (CST) to turn himself in. Through team spokesperson Maryjane Livingood, Barris said that he would not begin any negotiations with the police until after the conclusion of the Bubbas-Sea Hogs game last night. “The evidence will show,” said Hayes, “that Chuck had legal permits to be carrying zombies on his truck, including concealed zombies, so our position is that these charges are not only baseless but constitute police harassment and restraint of legal commerce.” Hayes also announced that, as he had predicted, no charges will be filed against the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs.
Sources, who said they wish to remain anonymous because leaking grand jury testimony is illegal, suggest that DTA, as he is widely known throughout New England, conspired with Sharif to reanimate prominent American poets who would compete in “zombie poetry slams” as part of what was laughingly dubbed the “Undead Poets’ Society.” Allegedly, DTA had planned to organize a two-day Deadstock festival in which reanimated poets would face off against each other, reading one of their own works, with the winner (as determined by audience approval) allowed to rip the face off his or her zombie poet competitor.
The sources allowed FSN to hear what were purported to be audiotapes of a cellphone conversation between DTA and Sharif in which DTA outlined the plan. “First round will be something like Marianne Moore and Elizabeth Bishop in a bitch fight,” says the voice on the tape. “Then maybe Robert Frost vs. Longfellow or Edgar Allan Poe vs. Walt Whitman. We’ll bill the event as Zombies Verses Zombies.” Get it? Ver-sess. People will be lining up to see Allan Ginsberg against Bob Dylan.”
Reminded by former Bakers coach Snoop Dogg, who also could be heard on the tape, that Dylan is not dead yet, DTA replied, “Everything is fluid.”
Then DTA continued: “Like Auden was saying at the Lodge the other day” — an apparent reference to a reanimated version of the Anglo-American poet — “'poetry makes nothing happen.’ He’s right, and he also agrees with my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay. You might get $200 and a year’s free subscription from the New Yorker if they publish your poem. And then everyone just skips to the cartoons. This is a way to make some real money from poetry. Poetry slams have been done to death, so we’re gonna do it to un-death. Can you imagine what people would pay to see Shakespeare vs. the Earl of Oxford? It’s the Thrilla in Unrhymed Iambic Pentameter, is what it fuckin’ is.”
Reached for comment, Ellis D. Hayes, who is serving as chief legal counsel for Sharif, said that the tape is “obviously a bigger fake than the Shroud of Turin,” before urging the media to bid on his auctions at ebay, where he said he is currently offering “the Williamsburg Bridge, a gallon jar of pixie dust, Napoleon’s shriveled and desiccated penis and several relics of the true cross.”
In a related development, Nashville police issued an arrest warrant for Beelzebubbas General Manager Chuck Barris following his indictment by a grand jury. Authorities said that Barris had until 8 a.m. Wednesday (CST) to turn himself in. Through team spokesperson Maryjane Livingood, Barris said that he would not begin any negotiations with the police until after the conclusion of the Bubbas-Sea Hogs game last night. “The evidence will show,” said Hayes, “that Chuck had legal permits to be carrying zombies on his truck, including concealed zombies, so our position is that these charges are not only baseless but constitute police harassment and restraint of legal commerce.” Hayes also announced that, as he had predicted, no charges will be filed against the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs.
